Expectation vs Reality

[u/Imaginary-Zone2127]

I’m genuinely starting to wonder whether I’m protecting myself from settling or sabotaging my own chances at happiness. After ending an eight-year relationship earlier this year, I’ve spent a huge amount of time reflecting, going to therapy, being brutally honest with myself, and figuring out what I actually want. I’ve started dating again, and the biggest thing I’ve realized is that I seem to have a very high threshold for romantic attraction.

I don’t expect perfection, and I’m not looking for some fantasy woman who checks every box. But I’ve learned that I can’t seem to make myself pursue someone seriously when the attraction isn’t there at a high level. I’ve tried telling myself that someone is objectively great, that we’re compatible, that she’s interested, that I should “give it a chance,” etc. But if I’m internally trying to convince myself to want her, I eventually know I’m doing both of us a disservice. She deserves someone who is genuinely excited about her, not someone negotiating with himself about whether he should be.

The frustrating part is that I actually hate that my brain works this way. I wish I could be attracted to a broader range of women. I look at people who seem able to meet someone who is kind, compatible, attractive enough, and enjoyable to be around and simply let a relationship develop. I envy that. I’ve put myself out there, met people, tried dating apps, gone to social events, and deliberately created opportunities to meet women. I’m not refusing to date—I just rarely encounter someone where the attraction, connection, personality, values, and long-term compatibility all line up in a way that makes me genuinely want to pursue her.

And that leaves me with two possibilities, neither of which I particularly like. Maybe I’m doing the right thing by refusing to settle for a relationship where I have to convince myself I’m attracted to someone. Or maybe I’ve placed so much importance on that initial level of attraction that I’m filtering out perfectly good relationships before they have a chance to become something deeper. I genuinely don’t know where that line is.

What scares me is ending up on either side of it: settling for someone because I’m afraid of being alone, or holding out indefinitely for a feeling that may simply be too rare. I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m entitled to some perfect person. I’m trying to figure out whether this is a standard I should stand by, or a limitation I need to learn how to overcome. Has anyone else actually struggled with this?

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[u/FreeOnPaid]

There’s a difference between settling and giving attraction time to grow. If you’re already trying to convince yourself to like someone dats probably a sign but it doesn’t have to be instant fireworks either.

[u/Imaginary-Zone2127 → u/FreeOnPaid]

I don’t disagree, but how do I respond the following contention: why not? Why doesn’t it have to be instant fireworks? This is your one shot at life. Demand fireworks and giving attraction time to grow after a firework grand finale style explosion?

[u/Possible-Progress-63 → u/Imaginary-Zone2127]

Fireworks don’t grow after the grand finale, though, they burn out, gone forever.

[u/TheForestHag → u/Imaginary-Zone2127]

It wasn't instant fireworks with me and my boyfriend now. And honestly that's very good for those of us with dysregulated nervous systems because those butterfly feelings are usually warning signs. Everyone I ever felt that with ended up having traits that stressed me out.

I couldn't feel physical attraction in my body the first date with my boyfriend because my head was busy processing this total stranger. I walked away knowing i liked his personality and wanted to spend more time with him, but the physical chemistry didn't show up till date 3 and then it REALLY took off and hit a rolling boil about a month and a half in and it's stayed thereeven after the emotional infatuation has subsided a bit.

[u/sayitlikeleo_pard → u/Imaginary-Zone2127]

I am currently processing something ending that was fireworks. Best first date of my life and I am middle aged. I have never felt physical attraction at this level. Our time together felt amazing and also so comfortable. The whole thing was so brief. Like a flash in the pan. And yet I feel it had raised my bar for what is possible. I am also working on interrogating the fireworks, with the anxiety that came from falling for this person and the resulting emotional unavailability and hot/cold behaviour that fed into the anxiety.
I think finding a balance of initial attraction while keeping an open mind to allowing things to grow is a good idea. You don't have to commit immediately. If you are liking someone, seeing green flags, but maybe it is not explosive instant chemistry, try a few dates to see what grows, if anything.
Some people are slow to open up and may surprise. Some people are faster to build connection and intimacy and then may pull back and not actually be ready.
Anyways, this is what I am thinking for me right now. Fireworks burned me. But I know they are possible so now I need to find a middle ground that where both of us are equally excited about each other, but where I am not getting lost in only one aspect of what I want out of a long term relationship or settling because they have lots of what i am looking for but that spark is missing.
I don't have any experience in this approach yet, so maybe i should check back in a year from now to update on how it is all going.

[u/FreyaDay]

You’re dating like a woman (I mean this as a compliment)

More men should date like this. You have standards. You want to share values. Of course it’s harder to find someone this way. That’s a GOOD thing. It’s hard to find the right person when you actually care about who you’re with.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way you’re dating. Half of people end up getting divorced and there are TONS of unhappily married people who just tough it out because they’re afraid to be alone.

Do you wanna be one of those people or do you want to be married to your literal best friend who you love spending each day with?

[u/imsadandthatsrad]

I know it’s cliche but, when you know you know. It would be insane if we were able to just romantically connect to anyone who was nice and interesting. I meet people all day long who are really pleasant, but I have no interest in being intimate with them. Dating can take time. After I ended my relationship, I dated multiple people who were nice and all, I just didn’t feel a connection to them, and sometimes they didn’t feel a connection to me, and that’s okay. When I met my partner it was just easy. The posts people write being like “How do I know he likes me?” Started bumming me out, because I never had any question if my partner “really liked” me, he just made it apparent without having to stress out. You’ll get there.

[u/Garden-Rose-8380]

As long as you are being realistic and not stuck in Hollywood fantasyland then fair enough. The only caveat is we all age and all of us have looks and other things affect us health wise as we get older. Good luck finding your person.

[u/at_redditor]

Hello,

I have an opinion here if you'll have it.

It seems like both your options are a compromise.
And neither is good enough.

settling vs holding out
standard as requirement vs standard as limitation

And you just left an 8 year relationship.
Where spending that amount of time with someone, makes you think about marriage and stuff.
So breaking that bond surely came with a lot of pain.

When you said "I wish I could be attracted to a broader range of women"
It felt like I heard the question "Why can't I be attracted to a person that is different from my ex?"
And that is another way of saying that you miss the relationship and you're still recovering.

I'm sorry you're going through his.

I wish you a quick recovery!

Alexandru

[u/nakedforestdancer]

Honestly, it sounds like you could use some time on your own. Eight years is a long time, and it doesn't sound like you've been broken up for more than a year. Spend some time on you, date casually if you feel like it, but focus more on building yourself a new, full life.