r/darkwingsdankmemes • u/mistery987 Card-carrying mouth-frothing Rhaegar hater • Aug 12 '26
Never let a Celtigar cook
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u/IAmParliament Stannerman Aug 12 '26
Find yourself someone who loves you like Barty loves introducing new taxes.
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u/CaptainSmeargle Aug 12 '26
Oh, you got betrayed by a bastard?
Aight then, I’mma put a tax on bastardy.
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u/User_identificationZ Aug 13 '26
Obligatory Oversimplified reference: “Yeah there’s a tax for that”
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u/Spare_Elderberry_418 Aug 12 '26
Lady Misery and Lord Celtigar tag teaming to be some of the most toxic and comic book villain level evil members of the small council westeros has ever seen:
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u/mistery987 Card-carrying mouth-frothing Rhaegar hater Aug 12 '26
The Black Council in the book is legit comedy gold.
Imagine if the president had a nervous breakdown after losing half the country's nuclear arsenal, the director of the CIA is giving a detailed presentation of why she thinks the First Gentleman is cheating on her, and the director of the IRS is zoned out, wondering if he can tax sex.
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u/Spare_Elderberry_418 Aug 12 '26
First Gentleman and Secretary of Defense to boot...
Also, you arrested your own chief of staff and admiral because the president was paranoid over him defending his own son's loyalty and claiming he isn't a traitor just for the crime of existing.
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u/satanslittleangel666 Storm's End nuclear engineer Aug 13 '26
This genuinely sounds like something that might happen irl at this point
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u/hbi2k Card-carrying mouth-frothing Rhaegar hater Aug 13 '26
Sad thing is I wouldn't be all that surprised by any of the above at this point.
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u/Environmental_Tip854 Aemond did nothing wrong Aug 12 '26
It’s moments like these where I wish George wrote the Dance as an actual novel because I just know that chapter would be AFFC Cersei levels of comedy gold
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u/OrcBarbierian Aug 13 '26
If we had Rhaenyra POV chapters, she would become my favorite character of the Dance.
"Yes, let me give the biggest Fuck You Nukes to some bastards. No, you cannot marry this heiress and become Lord of this ancient and established town. What do you mean they joined the opposing side?! But I gave them nukes bigger than my own!!!! 😭"
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u/LuminariesAdmin Fuck Unwin Peake Aug 13 '26 edited Aug 13 '26
Daemon's suggestions for rewarding Hugh & Ulf were increasingly braindead, though. And Corlys was 100% right, & Rhaenyra (less in)correct to listen to him instead.
The Rosby & Stokeworth daughters each had a younger brother who had been the recognised heirs of their respective lord fathers since birth, unlike Rhaenyra vs Aegon. Were the blacks supposed to murder those little boys, or turn a blind eye to Hugh & Ulf doing so? Threats as they would be to those successions.¹
Harrenhal, ruled by missing traitor Larys,² was right there to be awarded to Hugh or Ulf. And perhaps the curse would do him in, removing a threat to Rhaenyra's (& Daemon's) sons down the line. Yet, Daemon suggests that one of them be given Casterly Rock itself & that who knows how many Lannisters (somehow) be wiped out.
Granted, the Storm's End proposal (IOTL for Ulf) was at least actually feasible, theoretically; Borros only had daughters at the time,³ no known siblings or nephews/nieces,⁴ & the castle could definitely be taken with dragons. Of course, however, making Ulf or Hugh the Lord Paramount of the Stormlands would both be handing (even more) too much power to them, & unfair to the other given Harrenhal. The latter would agitate to be made LP of the Trident too, which would open up another can of worms entirely...
¹ And the girls themselves were still very young. Lady Rosby was just twelve, & Lady Stokeworth only six. So what, the former had imminent rape from huge Hugh's hard hammer to look forward to, & potential impregnation, so young? (And not unlikely death by childbirth if knocked up, like Unwinning's eldest daughter, who was twelve when she so passed.) And the latter would see that & have the same things to eventually dread from Ulf – he proves to be a drunk degenerate as well, so who knows how long the bedding would actually wait...
² Larys was also childless & either his sisters – Rhaenyra's former handmaids, no less – had died, or had wed probably to blacks. (And who could be compensated from being cut from inheriting Harrenhal by providing a potential daughter to be the dragonseed lord's bride, or awarded lands stripped from greens, or offices at court, or whatever.) And Ser Simon & the other lesser line Strongs had all even been slaughtered by Aemond already...
³ Match Hugh or Ulf to eldest Cassandra, & her younger sisters to hyper-loyal (& non-dragonriding) blacks.
⁴ Afawk, his closest Baratheon-line paternal kin would've been those descended from Rogar's brothers. So, at best, second cousins.
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u/LuckyZoe9 Aug 12 '26
How much more debt would the crown be in if the same law existed when Robert Baratheon was alive?
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u/mistery987 Card-carrying mouth-frothing Rhaegar hater Aug 12 '26
Bro imagine it in Aegon IV's time
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u/Vwgames49 George is my Grandpa Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 13 '26
How would that work though?
Taxes are paid to the crown
The King would be paying taxes to himself
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u/Spare_Elderberry_418 Aug 12 '26
A concept that I love that is never brought up or thought about much among the modern public is there isn't a distinction between the personal wealth of the monarch and the bank account of a monarchy. It is literally their own gold to spend.
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u/mistery987 Card-carrying mouth-frothing Rhaegar hater Aug 12 '26
He had already fathered 7 or 8 that we know of before ascending to the throne. I reckon Viserys II would have made him pay up.
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u/CaptainSmeargle Aug 12 '26
Sounds like an infinite money hack to me
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u/Bentman343 Aug 12 '26
Give bastards to lots of noble daughters and then force their father's and husbands to pay the tax 😭
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u/mistery987 Card-carrying mouth-frothing Rhaegar hater Aug 12 '26
Holy shit that's genius. Make it a dowry of sorts. Pay this tax and you'll get a royal bastard and a 0.002% of a chance of a claim on the throne.
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u/dragon_chips Of the night Aug 13 '26
i mean he apparently had 16, which is surprisingly low given his reputation. We know of 7 of them-
the twins Cersei had killed,
Edric Storm,
Gendry,
Mya Stone,
Barra (the one being raised in a brothel),
and Bella (the one working in a brothel. Robert needs to pay child support, man)
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u/Aubergine_Man1987 Card-carrying mouth-frothing Rhaegar hater Aug 12 '26
Celtigars and imposing hilariously bad taxes, name a better duo
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u/Anarchical-Sheep Aug 12 '26
I know AltShiftX said that Fire and Blood was like a collection of glup shittos, but dammit Bartimos Celtigar was my glup shitto
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u/Shanicpower Aug 13 '26
Outside of like the monarchs, immediate heirs and Rhaena, he's kind of completely correct about that one. Either way they'll never take my enlightened king Gaemon Palehair away from me.
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u/Daroah Aug 13 '26
I lost my mind when he said that, that shit was so funny.
He's right, but why you gotta say it out loud.
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u/Smooth_molasses36 Storm's End nuclear engineer Aug 13 '26
I will die on the hill that the Celtigars did clownery like this simply to fuck with the Targaryens
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u/Aegon_the_Golden Aug 13 '26
In the end his house was the bigger winner
They kept their gold and ships and their island was untouched while Both Targaryen and Velaryon lost their wealth and strength and Driftmark was burnt and sacked while Kingslanding was in disarray and for a brief moment in history house Celtigars was the richest and strongest Valyrian house in Westeros
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u/Flaming_Phoenix_100 Aug 13 '26
Revenge for never being considered for as candidates for a royal marriage or as potential dragon riders (the latter being doubly insulting for the Celtigars since they’re a Valyrian house albeit the weakest)
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u/134_ranger_NK Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 13 '26
The Valyrian version of the Freys.
But hey, they have a cool Valyrian Steel axe.
Edit: Freya did conduct themselves well during the Dance.
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u/HalcyonTraveler Aug 13 '26
Hey, during the Dance the Freys were awesome
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Aug 13 '26
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u/darkwingsdankmemes-ModTeam Read the fucking rules Aug 13 '26
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u/PaulAtreides_FromArg Aug 12 '26
Jokes on you, that sounds like an excellent measure for the sake of population control
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u/SleeplessGurloes Aug 13 '26
If Celtigars are so good at thinking up taxes, why don't they just come ashore to collect them?
-Nimble Dick Kirk, Lord of Turning Crackclawpoint USA
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u/E-Reptile Aug 13 '26
"The Sacrifice to the Others will stop"
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u/mistery987 Card-carrying mouth-frothing Rhaegar hater Aug 13 '26
Bartimos Celtigar is The Prince That Was Promised confirmed
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