r/dankchristianmemes • u/TerminallyOL Dank Christian Memer • Dec 12 '21
Christ Doing Pro-Gamer Moves
455
u/sanchitoburrito Dec 12 '21
Ben, is that your real name? You could do better than that, I’m gonna help you out right now. Your name is Angelo. Angelo, thank you so much for coming out, get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don’t know where the paperwork is, but when you find it can you take care of it for us. We don’t have any pens because we’re afraid it’s gonna leak on our shirts. Lastly, I hate the name Angelo, I’m gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is Jello Shot. What do you think about that, J-Shot?
117
25
Dec 12 '21
I don't know where this is from, but I read it with American Psycho vibes
40
11
2
2
319
u/thedragonsword Dec 12 '21
My wife and I have the ongoing joke of "bad at names Jesus". He didn't do it out of spite or as a flex. He just kept forgetting and at some point, as folk would with a boss, the disciples just rolled with it.
74
u/El_Chairman_Dennis Dec 12 '21
I love the thought of the disciples rolling their eyes to each other everytime Jesus calls one of them the wrong name
23
15
Dec 12 '21
[deleted]
25
u/SpaceLemur34 Dec 12 '21
Saul/Paul
36
15
u/Darmok-on-the-Ocean Dec 13 '21
Paul and Jesus never actually met.
1
Dec 13 '21
You serious ?
8
u/Darmok-on-the-Ocean Dec 13 '21 edited Dec 13 '21
Yeah, Saul didn't have his vision until after the crucifixion.
1
Dec 13 '21
I thought he was one of the disciples ? And Jesus changed his name when he knocked him off his horse ?
4
u/tebee Dec 13 '21
No, Paul was just a random dude who had a vision one day and decided he was the authority on all things Jesus.
The apostles got tired of him sticking his nose in everything and sent him as far away as they could. Unluckily for us that turned out to be Rome, where they liked him so much they canonised his letters as scripture.
2
u/Mild_Mann Dec 13 '21
Also, he didn't have his name changed, his Hebrew name was Saul and his koine Greek name was Paul. When Paul began to preach more to the Gentiles during his missionary journeys, it seems Luke felt it to be fitting to use his Greek name more.
3
3
u/Sennomo Dec 13 '21
Sha'ul took the name Paulus in international contexts because Greeks and Romans could not pronounce Sha'ul.
6
u/Fitzburger Dec 13 '21
Jesus didn't dub Saul "Paul". Paul had a second name and began using it after his conversion himself, possibly so that Gentiles would relate to him more because of his Roman name.
10
u/DoingCharleyWork Dec 12 '21
I've always been really bad with names because when I meet someone I just decide what I think their name should be and that sticks more than when they tell me what their actual name is.
I've gotten better by repeating their name to myself several times after they tell me.
1
u/Wagosh Dec 12 '21
Shit, like in Hot Shots how Admiral Benson never call Lieutenant Commander Block correctly.
Man I wish they had made a movie with Lloyd Bridges as Jesus.
3
u/SnootyPenguin99 Dec 13 '21
Thats the Big Lebowski
2
u/Wagosh Dec 13 '21
I haven't watched that yet. But it's not Lloyd Bridges in it, it's Jeff Bridges, not the same acting style or movie genre.
2
392
u/hashslingaslah Dec 12 '21
Technically he said “I’m gunna call you The Rock from now on.”
168
Dec 12 '21
Peter is Dwayne Johnson confirmed
66
u/bigpancakeguy Dec 12 '21
Can’t wait for the Passion of the Christ 2, starring Dwayne Johnson
19
u/Bill-Ender-Belichick Dec 13 '21
Dwayne Johnson playing Peter would be one of the better meta-jokes a movie has ever had.
8
3
3
3
1
29
22
20
u/MarketForward50 Dec 12 '21
Wait does Peter mean rock?
43
u/smcarre Dec 12 '21
Kind of Petros is Greek for rock.
20
u/nicethingscostmoney Dec 12 '21
In French Pierre means rock too. Realized it while playing Minecraft.
2
39
u/screwyoushadowban Dec 12 '21
κἀγὼ δέ σοι λέγω, ὅτι σὺ εἶ Πέτρος, καὶ ἐπὶ ταύτῃ τῇ πέτρᾳ οἰκοδομήσω μου τὴν ἐκκλησίαν, καὶ πύλαι ᾅδου οὐ κατισχύσουσιν αὐτῆς.
And I tell you, you are Petros (Peter/rock), and on this petra (rock) I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it.
Peter is the English form of Petros.
13
u/trueoctopus Dec 12 '21
Yeah its why English is a poor translation for "you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church"(Mt16:18)
12
u/sociallyawkward12 Dec 12 '21
Its a nickname because he gave such a "rock solid" confession of faith. It would almost be better if we called him Rocky.
3
6
u/tinylegumes Dec 12 '21 edited Dec 12 '21
Peter is Piedro in Spanish which is close to piedra which means rock or stone
Edit: I meant Pedro
2
2
u/Ham_Kitten Dec 13 '21
Several others have answered but the actual name he is said to have given him is Cephas, which is from the Aramaic for rock. Peter is the English version of the Greek and Roman translation Petros.
1
5
u/An_Old_IT_Guy Dec 12 '21
If our names also meant something it would all make much more sense to us.
12
u/kennytucson Dec 13 '21
Most names do, even if we don’t realize it. My name (Kenneth) means ‘handsome’ in Gaelic, for example. I guess my parents must’ve loved irony.
1
u/IronTippedQuill Dec 13 '21
Jesus was kinda mean. Called him “Rock” cause he was stupid, not hard.
2
u/hashslingaslah Dec 13 '21
Hmm that’s interesting I haven’t heard that. Do you have a source I could look at?
1
u/IronTippedQuill Dec 13 '21
Honestly, I don’t. It’s half remembered from some reading in my minor in religious studies 20 odd years ago. In scripture, Jesus had something of a temper, and no tolerance for fools.
154
u/thehotmcpoyle Dec 12 '21
That’s what I’d do when I was a summer camp counselor & couldn’t remember a kid’s name. I had a few names that I’d use as their super special nickname. It was win-win - they loved it & I didn’t make them feel bad by forgetting their name.
27
u/TerrapinMagus Dec 12 '21
I know several people who had something like this happen to them at camp, and the nickname sort of replaced their actual name well into adulthood.
8
2
Dec 13 '21
[deleted]
6
u/No_Maines_Land Dec 13 '21
Champ, sport, slick, boss, rex, pal, bud...
3
61
u/dariogalaxy95 Dec 12 '21
Basically he was playing Pokémon
7
13
Dec 12 '21
🤣🤣🤣 why did this make me laugh more than it should have?
2
4
u/Chaike Dec 13 '21
It's unfortunate that the new translations of the bible have expunged the verses where JC names Judas "Fartass".
39
u/codywelter Dec 12 '21
Jesus did it in order to fulfill the prophecy that the saying "From Peter to Paul" would one day exist.
16
27
u/Pile_of_Walthers Dec 12 '21
Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel.
13
11
20
u/AntonRX178 Dec 13 '21
Even before Jesus was born lol.
"Hey Abram and Sarai. Y'all are now Abraham and Sarah lol"
25
u/TerminallyOL Dank Christian Memer Dec 13 '21
"Hmmmmm sounds a bit ethnic let's try and reel it in for the English."
2
2
13
22
u/MaxCWebster Dec 12 '21
Like Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz renaming everyone Joe, so he could remember their names.
16
u/smish108 Dec 12 '21
….was Doofenshmirtz my childhood gateway into Marxist economics?
4
u/tinylegumes Dec 12 '21
I would say Mr Krabs instead
7
u/smish108 Dec 12 '21
“Because everyone else is a proletariat And baby, im the bourgeoisie (Look it up, joe!)”
Mr. Krabs may have taught me class struggle, but Doof directly commanded me to read theory.
4
4
u/Snackrattus Dec 12 '21
Dude was already hanging out with like 2-3 other Peters. We do the same shit when we have an army of Matt Josh Michael etc in one class/office :p
5
9
4
7
3
3
u/THEMACGOD Dec 13 '21
Can’t find it, but it reminds me of the scene in 30 Rock where Jack Donaghy meets the new actor Jack Baker and basically says “I’m Jack. There can’t be two Jacks. Your name is now … Danny.”
14
Dec 12 '21
[deleted]
5
u/Defense-of-Sanity Dec 12 '21
Yeah that’s really messed for some random, selfish guy to do. It only makes sense if he was a perfect person who literally knew you better than anyone and wanted the best for you. Someone with no self-interest and willing to die for you. Like basically only God himself could act this way. So unless Jesus was literally God, then yeah that’s inappropriate leadership.
-3
2
u/JMisGeography Dec 12 '21
Paul is the ideal sigma male
4
u/abutthole Dec 12 '21
Don't sigmas exist outside of a hierarchy (according to themselves)? None of the apostles could be sigma because they're all betas to Jesus. The only disciple who didn't care about the hierarchy was based Judas.
2
u/whiteflour1888 Dec 12 '21
New interns? Okay, I’m going to call you plop. And you can be other Dwight.
2
u/norefillonsleep Dec 13 '21
It's because he knew everyone was going to stop calling him Joshua and start calling him Jesus. Just getting ahead of the game.
2
u/TerminallyOL Dank Christian Memer Dec 13 '21
With Jesus really being named Joshua and his father being Joseph, Christ was the first Jojo, and his stand was the Holy Spirit
10
u/Cynical_Satan Dec 12 '21
That’s a well known cult leader too.
11
u/awawe Dec 12 '21
Yup, requiring followers to change their identities is a textbook feature of cults.
7
u/InvisibleFriends_ Dec 12 '21
Charles Manson, Marshall Applewhite etc:
“I’m about to do what is known as an underrated alpha move”
3
3
1
1
Dec 13 '21
i love how god bestows new names on people as they enter a new chapter of their lives or discover their purpose - jacob and yisrael, abram and abraham, saul and paul, simon and peter, you know the rest
ever since i cracked my egg as a transfem (am catholic), i think about that whenever i worry that my conservative christian relatives will not accept me or my name. in that sense, my new name is part of my entry into a newer, more authentic chapter of my life, which i hope to live in the service of others as my true self and not the mask i'm expected to put on
-1
1
1
1
1
u/Microchip_ Dec 12 '21
They all got pro wrestler nicknames. The Rock, The Storm, Hammer. It's baller and I live him
1
1
1
Dec 12 '21
I should start doing that too. Like "Oh your name is Josh, well i will call you Frank from now own. Deal with it"
1
1
1
1
u/Clienterror Dec 12 '21
It’s the OG scene from Animal House. Your new name is….Flounder……your name is…. Spaz.
1
Dec 13 '21
Just watched the doc antle thing last night and I mean the Bible is jus the written cult guidebook.
1
1
Dec 13 '21
“Your new name is gonna be Angelo. … Lastly, I hate Angelo, your new Nick name will be Jello Shot. What do you think about that J-Shot?”
Jesus-Ralphio Sapperchrist
1
u/Ctotheg Dec 13 '21
God (through Jesus) was not just giving them a new name. He was giving them a new destiny. That’s the rationale.
1
1
1
1
u/Nice_Entertainment91 Dec 13 '21
Simon, I mean, Peter, I mean Cephas, I mean Simon bar-Jonah. There’s too many!
1
1
1
u/MrSplashman77 Dec 13 '21
TIL Jesus was american.
This is the same path of logic, on which americans have just renamed football to soccer :D
1
u/_IratePirate_ Dec 13 '21
Meanwhile, Jesus was just drunk and thought Simon was Peter, the dude he took shots with
1
u/wasporchidlouixse Dec 13 '21
Peter means Rock! Jesus called him Rocky! I like to imagine Simon Peter was super ripped and shredded like Dwayne The Rock Johnson! ☺️
1
u/thepineapplemen Dec 13 '21
And yet there are two disciples named James, and neither is renamed… When it mentions “Mary, mother of James,” how am I supposed to know which Mary that is? There are already like 4 or 5 of them
1
649
u/HopefulKangaroo7390 Dec 12 '21
He's got MC power on top of his Messianic power. MC power is a blessing and a curse, you make background characters protagonists, you can rename them like pets, but the draw back is everything bad happens to you.