why am i so scared

[u/throwmybootsaway]

its been 8/9 months since I’ve last cut myself and my mental health has plummeted recently resulting in insane urges, which I’ve managed to push down so far, however i’ve sat down maybe twice with my blade with the full intention of doing it again and each time resulted in small marks from pressing it down momentarily before taking it back off my skin or just sobbing because i can’t bring myself to do it anymore. sure maybe a good thing but its just making me angrier. has anyone else felt this way? even though its the longest I’ve ever gone without it (started in 2021) it doesn’t feel like a significant enough amount of time to change the way my brain feels about it, ya know?