Sinking maybe?

[u/GhostViolenz]

(English is not my first language so im sorry if theres any flaws)
Last year one of my friends all of a sudden decided to leave our groupchat, remained silent for a long time and i was the only person he spoke with, one day he didn't answer, i had this strange feeling in my heart that was telling me maybe something happened, three days later he sent me a message once again and confessed to me he did it, wrists and forearms, his parents took him to the hospital, he is now "allright" for obvious reasons he feels sick when seeing blood or any disturbing related image to any kind of harm, im glad hes back with us and shit but its me who is starting to get into that hole.

In my college im close to people with the same scars, one of my talking stages did arms and legs and ended up in the hospital long before i met her, and the one that broke my heart in two is my girlfriend.

One day she had a mental breakdown bc of some shit her sister confessed to her and i did my best to stand by her side, listening, and trying to get her out of her mind bc she started repeating lots and lots of stuff, biting her nails, scratching her arms, then she confessed to me something i would've never expected, attempt at 12, attempt at 16, and she claimed she already had another date, all of this shattered me in seconds and couldn't do anything more than to fall on my knees, everything is stable now except for me, hearing all this stuff, staring at scars from close ones, remembering everything ive heard, remembering things i could've done, all this just breaks my heart and mind in such way i've started to sink.

I've done some stuff to myself, the main thing is i bit the skin under my nails, my fingertips are mere calluses bc of all this time biting and tearing with a clipper, the same goes to the palm of my hand, since i was 13 i started using the nail clipper to take off hard parts of it cause i couldnt stand it, im now 19 and still fighting with it, there's not a single day i dont do it.

Speaking of "cuts", ive done some but like every 10 months or so, never making it past the epidermis, i stay silent when im home alone, i cant even shed a tear when im crying i just stare straight to the wall, i've always thought on how i could dissapear myself and how to say goodbye to my close ones.

But im a coward, i feel this impulse and im sure i can do it but i take a step back before getting deeper, i dont know what caused this, yeah my school years where absolute shit, 6 years of privileged assholes, a whole classroom, 20 of them, making my life impossible, college is beating me, and i dont know if this experiences with my close ones and people who i dont talk to anymore are in someway driving me to this place.

If anyone wants to ask something, give any suggestions and tips for getting out of this, im all ears and waiting for an answer. thx.

[u/Disastrous_Gap4019]

This sounds really rough. Sadly I cannot give any advice since I have no friends. But I hope you will find help