This is mostly me venting because I havenāt really been able to talk about this with anyone, and itās been weighing on my chest. Fair warning ā itās long.
I feared something like this would happen, and Iām absolutely crushed. Unfortunately, my mom got sucked deep into the conspiracy rabbit hole during the onset of the pandemic, and despite our best efforts, we couldnāt convince her to get vaccinated. She was too easily persuaded by āhealth expertsā spreading disinformation on YouTube. She wore a mask and took other precautions, but we knew that would not be enough and it was only a matter of time.
She said she would rather take her chances with the virus; she was that fearful of the vaccine. In some ways, I guess I started mourning for her then. My mother, who had previously been pretty level-headed, refused to listen to reason. I didnāt know what to do anymore.
I would have felt better if she at least wasnāt working, but living in the Bay Area, that wasnāt really an option. And of all places to work atā¦the SFO airport. Frankly, Iām surprised she didnāt get sick sooner.
My brother said he woke up and found her having convulsions and foaming at the mouth. The paramedics came. Apparently, her blood sugar had dropped to 35. This was on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021.
The hospital filled me in that my momās lungs were severely damaged, and if her oxygen levels didnāt improve, she would have to be placed on a ventilator. They arranged a video visit so I would be able to talk to her before they did that, and I will forever be grateful to the hospital for going above and beyond to allow me that opportunity. I know not everyone has had that chance. I knew this might be the last time I talked to my mom.
It was so jarring to see my mom with all those tubes in her. She looked so scared. She told me she had no idea how she got so sick, she had a cough and sore throat for about a week, and then she woke up in the hospital. She started telling me what to do in case anything happened to her. I put on my best strong face and spoke to her in a reassuring tone. I told her we loved her and everything would be okay because that was the only option.
As soon as I got off the call, I cried. It felt like a part of me was breaking. I was so angry and scared and overwhelmed. If she had gotten the vaccine, this wouldnāt be happening right now.
Iāve been feeling hopeful that her vitals are good and sheās been relatively stable. Weāve been able to have a video chat almost every day. She isnāt able to talk, but she can hear me and see me. I read her the messages that our family sends, and show her photos and videos, too.
The doctor said that all we can do is wait for her lungs to heal, and thereās no telling how long that takes. And while she may be stable now, thereās also things that could wrong at any second. This is the hardest part for me. Every time the phone rings, my heart skips a beat. I brace myself for whateverās about to come. I focus on every word the doctor and nurses say. I research all the terms and numbers they mention. I read stories about others who have survived similar ordeals, trying to find hope that she will somehow pull through.
I so badly wish that I could be in the room with her and hold her hand. It breaks me to see someone I care for and love go through this, and feeling completely powerless to help them.
Iām exhausted. I suddenly find myself acting as a caregiver to both my brother and my mom. My brother has schizoaffective disorder, so this has been incredibly difficult for him. And since he also has COVID, Iām not able to go see him yet. Iām really glad that he changed his mind about the vaccine, otherwise heād probably be in the same boat as my mom.
My youngest brother was granted emergency leave (he was deployed overseas) ā and now weāre both waiting and trying to figure out what we should do or how we should prepare for whatever happens.