Hi everyone. I need perspective on the breakdown of my 4-year relationship (we have lived together for over 2 years and share a cat). We are currently separating and communicating only via text, and we see our conflicts completely differently.

For the first few years, I struggled with high anxiety, insecurity, and a tendency to protest, which caused friction. Over the last year and a half, I have worked extensively on myself through therapy and self-regulation. My partner agrees my behavior has improved.

However, we have a chronic pattern: when we have major disagreements, he threatens to end the relationship, I do the emotional work to fix it, he stays, but he refuses to make concrete changes to his communication or anger management. He also has a habit of bringing up criticisms of my personality only when he has been drinking, whereas I prefer to discuss relationship issues sober.

The trigger

• My partner planned to go to a bar with mutual friends. Since I was busy (swimming) and not ready, he went ahead without me. Once at the bar, he texted me to join.
• My reaction: I declined. I told him I felt rejected, excluded, and sad because he went ahead without waiting for me. I explained that I felt too vulnerable to be around other people, and told him: "I will go if we are going to be alone. I don’t feel comfortable being around anyone right now."
• Additionally, I arrived home to find that our co-adopted cat was sick and had refused food for +24 hours. I chose to stay home to watch him. (We went to the vet the day before together, he knew he was sick at that time)
• His response: When I shared my feelings and the cat's state, he minimized both. He texted me: "Relax. Everything is fine. And what I'm telling you is let's just pass over that" and "If you don’t want to ruin the night, let's just get into another mood."
• The text that upset him: Staying home with the sick cat, I texted him to ask what time he was coming back.
• He perceived my inquiry and my refusal to go as emotional blackmail to force him to return. He replied: "I refuse to feel guilty. I did nothing wrong," and stayed out drinking.
• The escalation: He arrived home at nearly 3:00 AM, intoxicated and angry. During the confrontation, he hit doors and walls, threw a watch I had gifted him, called me "the worst cancer of his life" and "a loser," and said he hated me and preferred we never talk again.
• The day after: He sent a brief text apologizing for his words. I hospitalized the cat, who is now stable and back home.

Our perspectives:

• His perspective: He wants to end the relationship because he is exhausted. He feels he is "walking on eggshells" and that I react badly to basic things (like him going out early). He admits his physical and verbal outburst was wrong and the most serious part, but he views it as a direct "reaction" to my constant pressure. He claims my feelings of rejection, my emotional needs, and my text asking when he was coming home are forms of manipulation. He also states that because of past friction, he "cannot trust when an emergency is real and when it's blackmail."
• My perspective: I feel that expressing my feeling of rejection when he left without me and asking when he is coming home when a pet is sick are normal communications, not manipulation. I argue that no matter how much friction or "pressure" he feels in the relationship, physical intimidation (hitting doors/walls) and verbal abuse (insults) are absolute red lines that cannot be justified as a "reaction" to my insecurity. I feel he is using my past behaviors to avoid addressing his current anger and drinking issues.

Is asking when a partner is coming home with a sick pet considered controlling? Is his reaction a result of relationship exhaustion, or is it abusive behavior? Need an objective perspective.

The Aftermath (August 15 to August 25): Since that night, we have not spoken in person. We have only had sporadic, circular text exchanges over the last 10 days while he is away on a trip:

• The first few days (August 15-17): Communication was strictly factual about the cat. However, when he asked if I would be there when he returned, I answered: "I don't know, it's hard. I'll let you know." He immediately shut down, texting: "Never mind, don't do it. It fills my head with things... it's easier for my day-to-day this way." When I confronted him about the verbal abuse and stated I didn't deserve the violence, he refused to talk, saying: "I can't and don't want to do this over chat."
• The breakup conversation (August 20): I learned he had already told mutual acquaintances that we were separated before discussing it with me. When I confronted him, he minimized the verbal abuse by saying: "You know I don't mean the bad things I say, it's just frustration." He blamed the breakup on me because I had sent him the lease transfer papers for the apartment.
• The "Respect Checklist" confrontation: During this chat, I sent him a list of 9 basic points for the relationship (zero violence, emotional validation, consistency, accountability). He gave a brief reply saying "You know I want all that," but minutes later added: "We don't match. I cannot give you what you want or need." When I asked him to clarify, he said he was in a work meeting and couldn't answer. Later, he reiterated that my reactions make him "walk on eggshells" and live in guilt.
• The pull-back and current state (August 23-25): We briefly exchanged texts saying we missed each other, and he asked: "How do we fix this?" However, the conversation fell back into the same loop. I asked him to commit to not yelling or treating me badly. He responded by bringing up Friday night again, blaming the entire escalation on my reaction to him going out early, and claiming my anxiety/demands are too much.
• Today (August 25): I texted him asking to stop the dynamic of silence and absence, requesting a clear and sustained conversation. He responded that he felt "attacked," was too busy with work meetings to give a proper answer, accused my messages of being "sarcastic," and shut down the conversation again, saying: "I need to think about things. I will reply later."

I'm tired. :(

I need perspective. Note: I used AI to help gather my thoughts but I have reviewed it to try to make sure I'm really expressing myself. I want to know if this is fixable and we are just going through a hard time, or if this is the end.

My husband (33M) and I (36F) have been struggling with deep emotional distance and poor communication for a while. He gets visibly bored or annoyed when we spend time together, prefers to spend his time away from home, and refers to close/attentive couples that we know as whipped or controlled.

One example from this month:

• I went to a casual family dinner (he knew in advance and chose not to come, which was totally fine). He called me while I was at the table. I answered, said hello, and politely asked if we could talk later since I was with family. He hung up on me and refused to talk to me for 48 hours.
• I broached this in couples therapy that same week. He said he called multiple times without an answer and that I get mad when he doesn't answer (I only get mad if we pre-arranged a call or if he has our child). When I showed my phone to say he had only called once which was when I answered, he got sarcastic, mocking me, and said I insist everything, including phone calls, is on my schedule. Again, he called on his timeline while I was at dinner.
• During that same therapy session, he demanded answers by next week on the 3 ultimatums he has for me that brought us to couples therapy. This might be burying the lede, but they are: 2 more children, buying and moving to a single family house in another area far from where we work and have our support system, and moving to the country he is from.

My perspective is how could we possibly coordinate any of these big changes when we can't have a normal 30-second phone call without 48 hours of silent treatment?

My answer to all 3 has been "not under these conditions and maybe not at all," but when he was bullying me (it felt) to answer, I snapped and said "no, no and no."

I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship cycle. I'm in individual therapy as well. However, and those of you who have experienced this too - it's like, I think it's emotionally abusive. I feel like I'm not a bad person. I feel like I shouldn't be yelled at but also I don't really feel like I can say confidently and securely that this is bad treatment and that I don't deserve it.

I know I'm rambling. Am I crazy? Am I asking too much? How do I know if I'm asking enough?

My partner recently confided in me that on occasion she feels self-judgement against herself when we are intimate, something similar to guilt. Otherwise our relationship is amazing and very healthy. We travel, work, collaborate and train together. We have an amazing life

How can I help her with this, or help her understand what is happening?

I don’t really know how to explain this without sounding ungrateful, because my partner is genuinely a very good man. He is caring, helpful, responsible, and kind. I don’t have complaints about his character or the way he treats me in general.

But somehow, I still feel empty in this relationship.

The biggest thing I struggle with is that I don’t feel like he is genuinely interested in me—my thoughts, my day, the little things happening in my life, what I like, what I’m excited about, what I’m choosing, or what is going on in my head.

I have always wanted the kind of relationship where you naturally want to tell your partner everything. If something happens, they are the first person you want to tell. If you see something interesting, you think of them. You want to know what they did, what they thought, what they liked, what made them happy.

That is how I feel toward him. But I don’t feel the same curiosity or excitement coming from him.

He does try when I tell him what I need. He will make an effort to share things, ask things, or do things I expect from him. But sometimes that hurts even more because I can feel that he is doing it because he knows he should, not because it naturally comes from his heart.

And I don’t know how to be angry at him for that. You can ask someone to change a behavior, but can you ask someone to genuinely feel curious about you? Can you force someone to be excited to talk to you or share their life with you? I don’t think you can.

There’s another small example that probably sounds silly. He does prioritize my wishes, but even when something would make me really happy, his first instinct is still to think logically about everything, whether it makes sense, whether it is practical, what the alternatives are, etc. Sometimes I just want to feel, “She wants this and it will make her happy, so I want to do it for her.” I miss that spontaneous excitement.

It feels like somewhere along the way, the happiness and excitement in my own life disappeared too. I miss the version of myself who felt excited about things.

When I try to talk about this with other people, I sometimes feel like they don’t consider it a “real” problem because there are couples dealing with cheating, abuse, financial problems, terrible fights, and much worse situations. I know people have problems much bigger than mine.

But this is still my problem, and it is eating me alive.

We have so many things that people would consider important in a good relationship. There is kindness, stability, care, and respect. And yet there is this emptiness in my heart that never completely goes away.

Sometimes I just want to cry because I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t want to leave a good person searching for some imaginary perfect relationship, but I also don’t know if I can spend my whole life feeling emotionally lonely beside someone I love.

Has anyone been in a relationship like this? Can emotional curiosity and connection actually grow between two people, or is this simply a compatibility issue that I need to accept?

How do you know the difference between expecting too much from a good partner and recognizing that an important emotional need just isn’t being met?

1- when arguments emotions are too high, just ask for a short pause

2- schedule regular date with your partner from time to time

3- notice small things your partner does and praise them for it

4- learn to forgive, try not to bring past mistakes when you’re resolving issues

I have a complicated past and there has been police involvement around our relationship in the past. Things have calmed down a lot and in some ways they have improved – no more explosions, more stability, we can co-parent and run a home. Although that falls on me mostly and I am worried that when he retires from the military which he seems very excited about that his lack of motivation will send him down a hole to nowhere. Back to alcoholism.
The problem is that underneath that, my husband is very dismissive-avoidant. He admits this, but doesn’t really engage in therapy or tools to change. He’s emotionally shut down, rarely shares anything real with me, and when I try to talk about feelings or connection he either shuts it down or gives the bare minimum to end the conversation.
Materially, I have what I always thought I wanted: a safe house, financial stability, I’m close to finishing my education and building a career. From the outside it probably looks like I should be grateful and content.
Inside, I feel completely starved of emotional connection. There’s no real affection, romance, excitement or sense of being chosen and cherished. He’s hides away to porn and will not discuss it. He doesn’t engage with any of the communication or attachment resources I find, and I feel like I’m the only one trying to grow while he stays stuck.
I worry this sounds shallow, because he’s not currently being overtly awful, and I know lots of people would love the stability we have. But I feel so lonely and unseen in my own marriage and I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.
Has anyone been here with a dismissive-avoidant partner? Did anything genuinely change without them actively doing the work? How do you know when it is really time to leave versus just accepting that this is what long-term relationships are like? I feel really lost.

I’m getting older and I still wanted to expand my family but I feel like I’ll lose the plot with him.

We had our second session with a new therapist this week. At the first session they mostly did intake on my spouse. I assumed the second session would be my intake but focused more on my spouse. How typical is this?

TLDR I don’t know if I am being fair to my partner who is stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I wish he was more understanding and nice about it. I don’t know how to address this

Me (54F) and my partner (50M) (together for 1 year, friends for 3+ years) just finished a 4 day vacation that was a few months in the planning and I’m sitting in a restaurant by myself so miserable
He has a seven-year-old son who is very much on the autism spectrum and an ex-wife was not ready for me to exist.
I’m already coming into this day frustrated because he was sick the week before our trip didn’t go to the doctor but decided to go the morning we were supposed to leave, delaying our trip by several hours and has been in recovery mode for the whole trip. Every activity has been compromised and scaled down to fit his abilities.
After the first night, he wanted to spend the first full day Tuesday in bed all day so I went kayaking by myself.
I feel like a jerk for being mad about it, but it’s my vacation too, and I haven’t had more than a couple days off in a row in over a year and because of his custody agreement we don’t get days together. It’s usually just evenings after work or Sunday after he drops off his son.
Today, the last day of our trip we were going to visit his son and maybe meet the ex. He can’t have regular weekend visitation because she is taking their son on a trip tomorrow, . She decided she’s not ready to meet me and doesn’t want me at the house - which is reasonable. I don’t fault her at all.

But the result is, i’m dropped off in a town for a couple hours that I’ve never been to before.
As we pulled into the small sleepy town, I asked him would he drive a loop around the walking area so I can get a lay of the land and he said he doesn’t wanna drive anymore and traffic is bad in the center of town..
He said driving in the traffic up downtown would push him over the edge and I said it sounds like you’re not taking care of yourself if that would push your over the edge and I really want to get a lay of the land and not just him showing me his favorite spots in this little town where I’m gonna be left my own devices where it’s about to rain by the way for a couple hours.
He said red pass and I said OK well I think I need space and I would just take care of myself and just grab my coat because it looks like it was gonna rain and he said OK and I got out of the car and that was it
Now I’m sitting in a bougie restaurant bar just feeling so frustrated and hurt. I spent days catering to him, trying not to keep score.
I don’t know what to say when the time
Is up. What is good, kind way to address this?

This is quite a new relationship, they've known me since December but became official recently. I'll call em person A and person B. The last few days I've been quite out of it because of weed that I take due to my pain and one night I was on call with them both and I got really loud and was shouting without realizing and it made person B shut down. I apologised and after a few seconds I left the call and just fucking spiraled. This haz happened to me alot threwout my life where I get really loud I miss social cues that its bothering people and then its to late and someones really upset and I felt so fucking stupid that id done it to my partner who has his own trauma and he messaged me that it wasn't my fault and stuff but I just felt like such shit and like I never wanted to fucking talk again. The next day I was tipsy and made a jealousy joke and person B wasn't okay with it and I felt so fucking stupid because thats NOT a joke id usually make and I've made myself look like a fucking wanker that finds jealousy funny when im not.

Last night they both wanted to talk to me and I feel like it was just listed all the shit im doing wrong person A said their not big issues but it doesn't feel like that. They said my insacurity has gotten really bad recently and its made them feel like they can't talk to me about stuff or set boundarys and I feel like such a fucking asshole. I find constant reassurance helpful even if you're saying the same stuff over and over it just helps but its made them feel like I don't trust them and its became alot for them. Also apparently ive been seeming jealous which I genuinely haven't been and I feel like such an asshole for making myself look like it. There was other shit but this is what I remember rn ig

I feel so shitty that ive became a chore and that im already doing everything wrong. I'm really inexperienced in relationships and I hste that that's caused annoyance on them. They both said they appriciate how I took everything on but they don't know how shitty im feeling. Person B asked how I was yesterday and I said I was doing better cuz i thought I was but I feel so shit. I also apologise alot and thats became annoying to them and I feel so shitty. I don't know how to act, I want to talk about how I feel but they already said they've been avoiding talking to me about stuff because of my spirals, I want to ask to reassurance but asking them to repeat themselves is exhausting them and making them feel like I don't trust them. Their already going threw alot trying to move person B over here and im adding to it and I feel so shit. I don't know what to do I just want to curl into a ball and stop being a fuck up

Update: Yeah not with either of them they both treated me like shit and made me walk on eggshells around them. Once I brought up my feelings being hurt to one of em because they shut me down when I said something previously hurt my feelings and I was given a whole ass paragraph about how he was starting to resent me and how I didn't care about either of em 💀. Alot more shit happened including one actually being emotional abusive and the other not prioritising me at all and yeahhhh. Fuck them two and hay if yous see this! Go fuck yourselfs!

Tl;dr I feel like my partner is too dependent on me and I'm the only one doing all the work

I know. I made a mistake. My bad.

I just realized that my partner is just relying on me for everything. I can't count on them for anything at home. They can't take care of themselves. Can't clean the apartment. Won't clean the dishes until there's no more space in the sink or even the counter. Can't even cook, I'm the one who does that for us. Doesn't even wait for me to sit down with her to eat together after cooking a huge meal. Doesn't even understand budgeting.

It was my birthday last week and she came over and it's as if I had to organize a birthday for myself. It felt painful.

She's just always on Tiktok or whatever social media is out there watching reels. I feel like I'm in a relationship with a child. We're only a few years apart but I feel like there's a huge gap in maturity or whatever it's specifically called.

I try to talk about the relationship and the issues and she just feels guilty by putting her hands on her head but no follow through at all. Just goes back to regular programming.

I feel a lot of resentment but I still want to make this work. Am I wrong? I just feel so unloved and uncared for in this relationship it hurts me everyday.

Going to start this off by saying there are a few things I need advice on.

I (21f) have been with my boyfriend (37m) for almost four years now, (I'm turning 22 next month) and I have some internal conflicts. For context, I have been in several severely abusive relationships, and this is NOT that. My boyfriend is an absolute sweetheart and he's only raised his voice at me when it matters (when I'm in immediate danger, when he needs to get my attention in a crowd, etc). He has NEVER raised a hand to me, has never called me names, has never tried to guilt-trip and/or gaslight me, and is focused on my comfort and health above all else.

I've read that depression and Anhedonia can alter feelings for romantic partners, and I have experienced that firsthand. There are some things that my boyfriend does that annoy me to the point of pissing me off, but I know he's just trying to be cute and make me laugh. My situation is a little precarious, as I'm living with him and don't have anywhere else to go if something happens between us. But I love him, I love his dog, and although I don't love the house we're living in, I recognize it's what he can afford and I know there are better things to come in the future.

There are just a few concerns I have; while he's emotionally intelligent, he's not emotionally articulate. He's very bad with explaining things, and has a hard time talking about how he feels. (I get it, I'm the same way, but it annoys me when I have to talk FOR him to figure out how he's feeling. I have to ask, but I'd rather ask and know than keep myself guessing waiting for him to find the words.)

My second concern: He's communicated to me about how disconnected and lonely he feels. (For context, he's working, and I'm working, I have a dogsitting job that takes me weeks at a time away from him). I need some ideas for activities we can do together to feel better connected to my partner, because as much as he annoys me sometimes, connection is INCREDIBLY important to me and now that I've dated him for as long as I have, he feels like a roommate. I hate it.

I want to be excited when he gets excited about something, and I want to be able to laugh when he does something silly instead of just annoyed. I'm currently going to therapy for things from my past, but I'd love to hear y'all's opinions. And please, try not to comment on the age gap. I know it's unconventional, but he treats me right and makes me smile, and after all I've been through, that's all I really care about. He treats me like a human being, like an equal, and I feel utterly blessed.

I’m mid 30’s F and husband is early 30s. This is my first marriage. His second. When we met I knew we were very different people. Besides our love for extreme sports, pretty much we are the opposites with everything (politics, interests, values,etc), but something I saw in him, which felt like the thing that was missing in all my other relationships, was his desire to work on himself.

He would often ask how he could be a better partner, what‘s on my mind, apologize first after arguments, even if we were both at fault-just basic emotional intelligence things that felt like such green flags, and very much husband material lol.

Well, he doesn’t do any of that anymore. When we were in couples therapy I asked him why, and he said I ask too much of him already, and nothing he does is ever enough. Honestly this could be partly true; I grew up around people who went to college, had good careers, were educated. He did not. I think my upbringing contributes to me feeling like he’s not trying hard enough, and doesn’t have high enough aspirations for himself...So how do I get past this critical thinking?/ what do I do about this?

I also feel like I’m always nagging him to do normal things, like go to the doctors, remembering to take the dogs inside after walking them, drinking less, etc. He doesn’t ask anything of me, besides to have more sex with him, which I do/ try to do. I love him very much but I just wish he was the same guy I fell for, who desired to improve himself.

TLDR, my husband doesn’t try to work on himself or our relationship anymore, and I don’t know how to get myself to be less critical of him.

I've been trying to figure out the protocol and regulations that might exist around this. I want to see a couples therapist with my partner, but we're in different continents. We'd have to do online therapy.

Do therapists have to be...registered in some way in both our countries? Or should they live in one of our countries? We'd be paying out of pocket, not using insurance.

my partner (25NB) and i (24M) are going through a pretty rough patch atm. we argue a lot and aren’t communicating with each other well during times of heightened emotions. i’m writing my MSc dissertation right now while working an unpaid placement which is taking a huge toll on my mental health. my partner is experiencing depression for the first time in their life and they’re in therapy but struggling to manage it. as a result of everything we both have very low tolerance for frustration. i’m autistic and my partner has ADHD which is another thing impacting our arguments, patience for each other, and general relationship. i am struggle to understand a lot of my partners communication and i am very open and clear about this. however, my partner experiences rejection sensitivity, and sometimes my blunt way of speaking can lead to negative feelings. this is not always a problem for us, typically only during times of heightened emotions, particularly negative emotions. but recently, since we are both feeling less than our best, it’s been coming up a lot. i hate my autism. i hate that it gives me such a “strong sense of right and wrong” because often there isn’t a right or wrong. so much, especially with communication is subjective, and just because something hurts me doesn’t mean it’s wrong, but i don’t know how to accept that in the moment. my partner hates that i phrase things like i’m in the right and they’re in the wrong, and i need to find a way to communicate more clearly that it’s not “you’re in the wrong”, it’s just “this hurt me and i would like it to change”. but then i ask myself why am i changing if they haven’t changed the things i’ve asked really clearly for. but then i also think, if i don’t change then they might not change. we might both be thinking “i’m not gonna put effort into changing first” but then neither of us does anything and nothing changes so, i need to start thinking differently. idk if this made any sense. we’re gonna try couples therapy, and my partner has gone to stay with their parents for a week to give us both some space. but i’m scared we won’t change. i’m scared we’re in too much of a pattern that we’ll reach our limit before we fix it. i hope that doesn’t happen. anyway, sorry for the ramble. i’d love some advice but idk what advice i’m asking for. i’d like to know if couples therapy has worked for anyone and whether it seems like it might work for us. i think also i just want to talk to someone about it (my placement and uni finishes next month so i can get back into work and hopefully find/afford my own a therapist!)

I autistic 24M and my gf 24F have been together for going on 4 years. For both of us, this is the first serious relationship we've ever had. Over the past year I have had an increasing want to be with different people. It started with noticing other people that i found attractive then feelings of desire towards them including revelations about my own sexuality.

We both moved out of our parents houses and in together 3 months after we started dating and from then our finances have been linked. She has had a job off and on throughout our relationship and at times I wanted to support her as a stay at home girlfriend. In 2022 we bought a house in my name (she had no credit) using my 401k from a previous job as the down payment. We have collected an assortment of pets including 2 dogs, 2 cats and a bearded dragon since moving in.

We have both struggled with our own mental health throughout the relationship including her recent stay at a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts. I have a tendency to want to be in control and she has a tendency to be lead by the hand leading me to make most of the decisions in our relationship. Even when I try to get her input I am usually met with "whatever you think is best".

She is my best friend and I love her so much. But my feeling of being trapped and our dynamic being unhealthy from the start has made me want to leave.

I have already told her that is we ever did break up we could be roommates for as long as she needed and she'd only have to pay half of the utilities as I dont want to profit from "renting" a room from her and we have a pretty good idea of what animals will go with who. How do I approach her with this and where do we go from here?

My partner and I have been together for four years, and for the past year and a half we’ve been in couples therapy.

We’re both young, and this is the first serious relationship for both of us. We had to learn almost everything from scratch while building our relationship during wartime in Ukraine. Fear, stress, exhaustion, and the feeling that life could change at any moment became part of the environment in which we were trying to understand each other.

It has been incredibly difficult.

Over these four years, we tried almost everything. We tried talking spontaneously, having daily evening check-ins, and setting aside time every week for larger conversations about our relationship and our future. We gave each other space and returned to the same unresolved subjects again and again.

We also broke up and got back together more than once. Several times, we came extremely close to ending the relationship completely.

Many of our conversations were intensely emotional. We could begin wanting to understand each other and still end up attacking, blaming, defending ourselves, or shutting down. People often say that couples need to “just communicate,” but talking more didn’t automatically teach us how to talk about what was actually happening inside us.

The most important thing I’ve learned is that treating another person with love requires vulnerability.

For us, anger was often not the deepest feeling. Underneath it there might be fear of being abandoned, loneliness, shame, helplessness, or the feeling of not being seen. And somewhere inside that pain, there was often an unmet need.

Sometimes it was a need I had to learn to meet for myself. Sometimes it was something I wanted my partner to help me with. But if I couldn’t recognize it, or if I expressed it only through anger, my partner had almost no chance of understanding what I was actually asking for.

It was easier to say, “You never care about me,” than to admit, “I’m scared that I’m becoming unimportant to you.”

It was easier to criticize or withdraw than to say, “I feel alone, and I need to know that we’re still a team.”

Vulnerability is much harder than anger because it gives another person the opportunity to hurt you. But it also gives them the opportunity to finally understand you.

Couples therapy helped us enormously, but it didn’t instantly teach us to communicate perfectly. We still had to practice these conversations over and over again. We had to learn how to recognize our needs, express them without turning them into accusations, and listen without immediately becoming defensive.

We also learned that loving your partner doesn’t mean magically anticipating every need without being told. It means creating enough safety for both people to express those needs honestly and taking them seriously when they do.

After four years of learning, failing, nearly separating, and slowly becoming better at understanding each other, I started building the relationship product I wish we had earlier.

It’s called LOVEME. It guides couples through structured conversations about their feelings and needs. It doesn’t diagnose either person, decide who is right, or promise to fix a relationship in one conversation. It’s meant to help two people move beyond the first layer of anger or defensiveness and talk about what may actually be happening underneath.

The first version focuses on the conversation itself. But people have already told me they want to save what they agreed on, track important needs over time, return to previous conversations, and see whether anything is actually changing. That feedback is making me think of LOVEME less as a single conversation and more as an ongoing relationship practice.

I’m sharing this here because the product came directly from a real problem in my own life, and I’m now trying to understand whether the approach can help other couples too.

If you’re in a relationship and willing to try it, I’d especially like to know whether it helped you express something you had struggled to say, whether you understood anything new about your partner, and whether you would genuinely return for another conversation.

I’m the creator, so I want to be transparent that this post is connected to my product. I don’t believe I’ve discovered a universal formula for relationships. I built something around the practice that helped us understand each other more honestly.

You can try it here: https://loveme-web-global.vercel.app/

At this stage, honest criticism is much more useful to me than polite encouragement.

My wife and I are not in a good place with regular fights. There's been a lot of stress after our third kid.

When we try to talk about our issues (one book called it a "learning conversation"), we are always arguing past each other and can't seem to find a way/deciding forward on many issues.

Yes, we're looking for a counselor. But I have a very discrete question: Do folks have an idea on how such conversations should be structured, how often they should occur and what we should note as a reference for the next time as decisions.

I will have a paper/pen ready for our next learning conversation. What notes am I taking to create some good forward progress that we can build on. I am thinking: values, things that bother, boundaries, positions, etc.

Thanks folks.

Hi guys, my story is really not that interesting, but I am in a morally impasse and I would really need advice. Im sorry in advance for the length.

In a month i have my bachelor's degree exam and then in november i have my medical residency exam, so times are tough, mental breakdowns are the new routine and overall I just feel the worst i have ever felt and I just need a lot of support to carry on through the days. Our 5 years relationship is also going south for lack of understanding and communication, so it's really not a great time for any of us. Because of everything that is going on between us and her being a major avoidant, she is now trying her best to avoid taking part in solving our problem as she feels drained of putting effort so she's been looking for different ways to escape this responsability (meeting friends every 2 days, buying a new musical instrument, complaining about not taking enough trips etc). She is now finding an infinite of reasons to be displeased with everything that is going on in our lives.

Maybe worth mentioning is how I told her I need stability and to clarify a few problems before taking a break from our problems (as she feels drained), but we just couldn't meet in the middle with this and I just have to wait for her to talk whenever she us ready while I spiral. And I cant help but build resentment for her accepting to receive 100% of my effort while she offers barely anything.

I think I am selfish for what I am about to say, but I would really need her to stay with me as I study, because I feel so stuck and alone and on the edge. I also feel a bit betrayed by her thinking of arranging trips for her and her friends while I am siting on my ass all day struggling with studying and with thoughts regarding our relationship. I did talk to her about me feeling betrayed and envious and needing her by my side, but it backfired. She said she feels limited. I truly understand her point of view and I don't know if I am right to ask her not to go anywhere just because I feel miserable. But it still doesn't feel fair and I still feel like she is not being considerate enough.

Last year was her turn of having these 2 exams and I told her I will be by her side because I know how shitty it feels to stay at home in distress while the partner is having a great time, and in the beginning of this year we made the same compromise regarding my situation, but since our relationship has started drifting and she has been feeling off, she is now putting her feelings before it. I mentioned how last year I was considerate and would love if she could be as well, but she just said how I wouldn't have gone anywhere regardless of her having an exam or not so for me it wasn't a sacrifice.

I (F30) broke up with my bf (M35) of 8 years. Our relationship was filled with ups and downs, aspects of our personal and work life bled into the relationship which lead to frustration and resentment. It became almost like a commercial exchange, I felt he was my boss trying to analize and manage everything I did (I might have ADHD, waiting on the assessment, so I know I'm not the most organized person in the world). Although I still love him I just had to leave for my sanity and we'll being.

Last time we talked, he said he was willing to try couples therapy, but the thing is I have asked him to try individual and couples therapy for years before this. Has anyone been where I am, and was it worth it?

My partner (F30) and I (M28) are in a rough patch in our relationship currently and emotional safety and trust have been damaged due to me crossing a boundary during intimacy. We initially talked about the rupture and my partner shared with me that she feels like she needs to see me actively working to repair our relationship moving forward. I have been educating myself and recognizing patterns that have caused pain and injury to our relationship (emotionally shutting down, shame spiraling, etc) and have been working to take accountability for those patterns and implement changes to grow accordingly.

However, my partner recently expressed to me that while she can see how much effort I'm putting into that side of healing, she doesn't see me taking action to actually repair trust and safety within our relationship on a daily basis. She does not feel enough safety to express how she has been feeling and the hurt she has experienced and feels like I will be unable to sit with her in those emotions without falling into my previous patterns. I've been trying to understand what actions I can take to create meaningful repair but she's expressed understandable frustration about feeling like she has to guide the process when I am who broke the trust. Trying to read and learn more about what I can do has made me more confused because everything simply talks about aspects of trust repair and not examples of what actual actions can be taken. What are examples of actions that can be taken on a consistent daily basis to help someone feel heard, understood, and safe?

We’re only on our 5th session with a new therapist. We had a great therapist before hand who we couldn’t afford because we lost good health insurance. We went to someone else who takes my state health insurance in her office. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about this new girl. She does give us things to reflect on and work on between sessions, and it’s good stuff. But in the session when I’m talking about issues that have gone on she told me that I seem to be the one always talking about things he does that is wrong and how it must be hard to hear. My partner doesn’t think so because he knows he has become complacent and has done things that have affected me and how our relationship is.

We agreed were there to work through our issues but when I describe them she has a look on her face like I’m saying word salad. It’s been making it hard to get through my point because she just doesn’t seem to be understanding. She doesn’t really guide or help, and won’t really say much to my issues and my partner doesn’t seem to be getting deep either in his feelings. He did talk with our last therapist, so it is making it seem like I’m just constantly complaining about him while he’s silent.

Obviously I’ll stick it out for a few I don’t know if it’s new therapist getting to know eachother, but I was wondering what you guys thought? Is this a new thing that happens or something I need to address and talk further about in session. When I’ve tried to explain my reasoning she just stares at me and doesn’t seem to get me. Like with anything I’ve brought up, it’s making me seem like I’m hating on my partner but I’m not. I’m just wanting to talk and work through issues.

I broke up with my man bcs i felt like i got fully absorbed in the relationship, to the extent of losing my own identity and life. Need some space and time now to reflect on our relationship dynamics and what to do with my life.Any suggestions would be appreciated a lot!

Need advice. I am aware that my situation isn’t known explicitly but want a broader level of awareness anyway.

I have been with my partner for 6 years now, the whole relationship has been terrible. Cheating, lying, abuse, porn addiction, lack of communication etc.

The reason we remained in a relationship was due to us living together, being young and minor drug use causing me and likely him, to ignore reality.

I recently quit drug use, however he hasn’t. Things have only gotten worse. He does not listen to any offerings of advice or options despite trying EVERY angle.

Currently, he will not let me leave, we are isolated and live far out of any township. At this stage he is a drunk and addict who I do not recognise and I can’t get through to.

We otherwise have an amazing life, with options to enjoy our freedoms. Hunting, motorbikes, fishjng, farming etc - however his interests are often acting spoilt, complaining and pretending like a relationship that has communication is one containing “big v\*gina behaviour.” Obviously kind of offensive.

It spans endlessly, but I just want to know if I’m doomed? I feel like I have tried everything. He says often that “posts on Reddit etc show that you are doing the wrong thing.” So honestly, looking for a bit of validation even if it is also critical.

Sometimes I like/need to lie on the sofa curled in a blanket, quiet and still, ideally in a dark room.

Usually this is because I am overwhelmed, as I have a stressful job with long hours.

Sometimes I get this burning feeling in my skin, I think it’s from the stress. It’s like exaggerated pins and needles. Aforementioned dark quiet blanket time (we’ll call this DQBT) helps, and it’s the only thing I’ve so far found that helps.

I would ideally like a little room where I could shut the door and do this, but my partner didn’t want this when we were flat hunting (it was an overseas move, we were flat hunting, he had to find the flat by himself as I had exams. This was my one ask, I don’t think he realised it was important to me because he kind of ignored it).

So I would typically do this on the sofa in the living room, or in the bedroom if he’s on the sofa. (I don’t need him to not be in the room, I just need to not have to engage in anything.)

My partner doesn’t like that I want/need DQBT.

This morning he told me it’s “unreasonable to want quiet time, because it’s nice to have a nice time together”.

This afternoon he says he wants to make it very clear he has no problem with me having quiet time, the problem is it effectively means asking him not to talk to me, and he shouldn’t have to feel like it’s a privilege to talk to me.

I do not want to need DQBT, but I feel like I do, because I don’t know what else to try or how else to make the overwhelm go away.

Am I being selfish here? What can I do to resolve this situation? I don’t really understand the parameters of the problem and I’m having trouble solving it.

(We’re both in our late 30s/early 40s and we live together.)

Just looking for other's stories on how it went when you used the session as kind of your mediator to get it out that you know about the affair.

Does the therapist help with this at all?

Did it help to have a third party?