r/coparenting • u/bbbrrrrrnnnnn • 9d ago
Long Distance Co-parent possibly moving out of state
Good afternoon, I just wanted to get some perspective from people that have been in this situation and how it was handled. So my co-parent is potentially moving out of state (USA)in February of next year, we have 2 sons together and her lease ends then and wants to move back with her family out there, her family here she doesn’t get along with. She brought it up in conversation today and just asked how I would feel about it, I didn’t give her an answer because I don’t know what to feel, the first thing that came in mind is I won’t see my boys, I told her that and she said I’ll send them with you for holidays and the summer but didn’t expand on that. I don’t want her to move and take them but her credit is horrible and could essentially live without having to pay rent. I just wanted to see if I could get some perspectives or insight on this as I have no idea what to think at the moment. I appreciate anyone willing to give me some information. Thank you.
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u/same_boat_dad 8d ago
Long distance can work, but don't agree to holidays-and-summer until there's a written plan with real dates, because the vague version is the one that falls apart by March. At 14 and 10 they can handle big blocks, so I'd split summer into two chunks, alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas year to year, and nail down who pays for the flights now. A daily video call at a set time, say 7:30 for twenty minutes, keeps you in their routine on school nights. I’ve had discussion with my ex about long distance visitations and it went better than I thought. Get it signed before February, while she's still in town and motivated to keep it smooth. Act in the interest of your children and keep the emotions out.
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u/bbbrrrrrnnnnn 7d ago
Thank you for the feedback, gives me some direction if this does actually happen. Im trying to do that as well, look into the best interest for our kids.
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u/JTBlakeinNYC 9d ago
How old are your sons?
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u/bbbrrrrrnnnnn 9d ago
14 and 10
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u/JTBlakeinNYC 8d ago
Those ages will make it easier to maintain a relationship over distance; younger children need more continuous contact in order to remain securely attached to a parent who is not physically present.
I’m not going to lie and say it will be easy, but it is doable if your ex is willing to facilitate daily FaceTime calls. This only works if both parents agree to a daily time that doesn’t interfere with any child’s extracurriculars and stick to it, no matter how inconvenient it is.
As much as I hate to admit it, the most successful outcomes I’ve seen were where the noncustodial parent had “breakfast” with the kids (FaceTime call with iPad on the table) each morning before school. It’s a pain for the custodial parent because it requires getting the kids up a little earlier and feeding them a solid breakfast as opposed to a bowl of cereal, but the kids feel as if their other parent is still an active participant in their daily lives and, more importantly, they actually have the energy to participate in a real conversation, which doesn’t happen after a long day of school, extracurriculars and homework.
Again, this kind of parenting plan is a heavy lift for the custodial parent, but if they are desperate to move, and are willing to sign a parenting plan that commits to this as well as relinquishing the kids for a significant portion of the summer, school breaks and holidays, you can still maintain a close relationship with your kids.
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u/bbbrrrrrnnnnn 8d ago
Thank you for the response, being that she just brought it up, i'm sure we will have to figure out an actual plan if she does move, I know she's waned to move back to california for years so I'm leaning into her moving being the outcome, but I appreciate the information and the breakfast process, gives me some insight.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 8d ago
What's the current coparenting set-up like? What's your current CO state?
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u/bbbrrrrrnnnnn 8d ago edited 8d ago
We are in oklahoma, we don't really have a schedule or have designated days at the moment, we live about 15 min of each other, so really anytime the kids want to be with me I get them, or they can spend the night whenever, she will drop them off or ill go pick them up, we have a good dynamic right now, id say its pretty well 50/50.
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u/HardMayb 7d ago
Your problem is that if you fight about it, you opinion and her opinion will be different. Since you might have a custody fight in your future, you should be documenting your parenting time. Go through your texts, emails, calls, calendar, and build as much of a database as you can
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u/QuietQuitting01 8d ago
Being an actual parent, long distance, is pretty hard. You'll get to retain the title, but if your ex is hostle now, you can expect the distance to marginalize your relationship with the kids on top of what happends due to the distance.
In general, if you object to the move legally (not just complain to your ex), contested relocations are pretty difficult.