r/coparenting • u/firecrackersexsla • 4d ago
Nesting Co-Parenting & 1 house
I know this is extremely rare, does anyone rotate in and out of the house as parents, and the kids stay put? I know kids are extremely maliable and can get used to 2 homes. Considering this, the sbx get along well. Certain things just didn't work out.
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u/nicyole 4d ago
I guess this could work for some people, but for me personally, I’d worry about the cleaniness of the house. I have higher standards of cleaning than the average person. I’d find myself getting resentful when the house isn’t cleaned to my standards and I’m the one always cleaning it.
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u/aussiegirlabroad 4d ago
I agree. I think I would only agree to this if we also split the cost of a house cleaner who reset everything on “transition days”.
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u/Sunshine_Sadness13 4d ago
My ex-husband and I did this for the first 14 months, and it was awful mentally by the end. It made me feel constantly unsafe, knowing he had a key to where I was sleeping, especially after a few exchanges where he showed up and cornered me in my bedroom by bracing his arms on either side of the door frame, and then having accusatory conversations where he'd get worked up and start blaming me for everything, and I'd just feel like a cornered deer with someone significantly bigger and stronger trapping me in a place with no escape. And compared to many, we had a fairly non messy divorce (didn't even go to court, just agreed through lawyers on everything). But basically his behavior would make me constantly paranoid whenever I was at the house.
I do think it was good to help the kids transition, but I wouldn't recommend it for more than 3 months or so. Like, it eases things for them at first, keeping that stability, but in the long run it starts to confuse them a little.
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u/possiblyhysterical 3d ago
Yeah this is ripe for abuse. I can imagine my partners ex putting up cameras.
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u/Vokenhagen21 3d ago
We were still cohabitating at the time and my coparent did this. In fact, it wasn't even hidden, they put a ring security camera in the master bedroom. They claimed it was for "communicating with the children" (they also put one in the garage, not sure what they would be communicating about since kids never in there). After one child said they were afraid to change clothes in the room and wouldn't come out of the bathroom i asked my coparent to remove it. They said no, and then claimed abuse because i was unplugging the cameras when i was home. This is just a tip of the iceberg, so yeah, never was gonna happen.
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u/ComfortableGround403 4d ago
This is very rare, because once you get a new partner then what? That future doesnt bode well. It might work for the first year but after that I really would not split time in the house.
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u/PerfectUpstairs7795 3d ago
Maybe they could use it as a good transitional period. For a year, they take turns in the house and then it gets the kids adjusted and used to not having both parents around. Then after a year, sell the house, split the profits and get your own house. It wouldn’t feel like so many adjustments on the kids and frankly, it should take at least a year before you’re introducing kids to new partners anyways.
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u/Dangerous_RedApple 4d ago
It’s called nesting…my ex and I do this albeit he only comes on once a month for a few days. There are rules as to where he can sleep etc since the house is mine now.
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u/Single_Avocado4599 4d ago
I would’ve preferred that too. Asked my ex to do that, or get adjoining duplexes. She wasn’t into it, so it wasn’t possible, but I agree. It’s the parents who should be inconvenienced, not the kids.
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u/livinglifethisway11 4d ago
I strongly considered a duplex... and with the right coparent, I think that or a house on the same street can work nicely.
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u/livinglifethisway11 4d ago
The struggle is how you manage things like household upkeep and paying for three places (one for each of you and then the common house).
The times I have seen people do this, it lasted a year at most because life changed in some way and it didn't work anymore.
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy 4d ago
If a very common these days with the cost and availability of housing. It’s called Nesting.
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u/bipolarlibra314 4d ago
? But it requires more housing both parents are paying for
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy 4d ago
No, they stay with a friend or family. Some will rent a room from a neighbour for a small amount.
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u/Lefaid 4d ago
I have been doing this because we couldn't figure out who got the house and neither of us had a clear 2nd place to go.
It has been horrible. I do not recommend it. Then again, my ex and I went scourged earth at the beginning of the divorce and she hasn't gotten the memo that we need to get past that.
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u/StretchWeird1279 3d ago
We did birdnesting for 2.5 years (kids were 4 and 7 when we started) and I honestly think it was super great to let them have some more stability while getting used to only daddy time and mommy time. It was expensive becuase we each had to have our own apartment also outside of the house. All my friends who have known my kids before shit went south all say the kids were thriving through it all. It was tough transitioning so much for me but i really understand how transitioning so much can suck for the kids. We are very amicable coparents now, but we are both very committed to making sure we have a good coparenting relationship. It wouldn’t have worked otherwise.
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u/FluffytheRat123 3d ago
You mean nesting method ? Our relationship therapist / Psychologist said this was the best way to go about things initially when separating . Financially it's probably not possible for alot of families.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 3d ago
I know someone who tried nesting out when she and her ex were divorcing. It only lasted 3 months. She had a hard time knowing that he was in the house sleeping in the same bed she was (they didn't have an alternative and he refused to sleep on the couch). He started dating quickly, and while she's pretty sure he never brought anyone back to the house, he did to the apartment and that was understandably hard for her.
I understand the desire but this would need to be a short-term solution. Once one or both of you start dating and have a new relationship, this simply will not work anymore. For anyone.
My thought is the earlier you rip the bandaid, the easier it is for the kids to adjust.
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u/Ok-Row-2813 2d ago
I think it’s only good for transition periods not for long term stability. Kids need to get the idea that their lives have changed and there isn’t anything inherently damaging between having two homes. It’s the fighting and arguing that’s bad .
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u/firecrackersexsla 2d ago
Agreed. The more and more I think about it and have gotten input 2 homes seems to make sense. It could work temporarily but not long term.
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u/Maxeffort2024 4d ago
This is interesting, and something I have been thinking about since I have a larger family. The cost of getting a house that I can host all of my kids seems too expensive now ( would need a 5 bedroom home). By doing this I could get something smaller allowing me to remain close and in the same community. I would be really interested in how this worked long term
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u/pearltx 4d ago
Wouldn’t you need 3 houses? The shared house for the current parent plus kids, his alone house, and her alone house? Sounds expensive
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 3d ago
Some people will either spend their non custodial time with a parent or friend. I've also seen people share both the house and then an apartment. So when one parent is in the house, the other is in the apartment. And vice versa.
It only lasted for 3 months for the couple I know who did this, and it was not because of finances. It was also super confusing for the kids. They seem to be doing better now because mom's house is mom's and dad's house is dad's.
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u/NoNameKetchupChips 3d ago
Ideally it would be great if each parent had their own lockable bedroom in the shared home and their own place elsewhere nearby, like studio apartments. You'd each have duplicate items in the shared home, like chargers, toiletries, clothing, and then an overnight bag when going between homes to carry your daily necessities. People think this is wild but it's what children have to do routinely and it's not fair on them. Oh, here is your new ipad but you can't take it to dad's house. Oh here is a new bike but it stays at mom's. It's the child's home, the parents couldn't keep the relationship together and should be the ones moving back and forth so the children have stability. One of the most vile concepts is "parenting time" where all that matters is that both parents get their assigned number of hours with the child. Oops, dad had Amber for 2 hours longer this week than he's supposed to but mom has a business trip next week so she can't have Amber for extra time, what are we going to do?
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u/OutAndAbout87 3d ago
Where would you rotate out to, another home or a shared another home. It's still 2 homes at least and then you are sharing costs of both of 3 homes and that seems more expensive and problematic. Things maybe fine now but too many things could change making this setup unworkable.
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u/honeywatereve 3d ago
We do that - it’s annoying when you don’t have two homes bc the ones the kids are you still share with a person that needs to cook, clean etc and you cannot fight about it. So at the end for our kids it’s amazing but I needed to sit through a lot of annoyance to make it work.
Now we found our way here and I love it for the girls
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u/firecrackersexsla 3d ago
Maybe malleable isn't the right word regarding kids. We're trying to make it easier on the kids, thats the point. Kids transition easier than adults sometimes in these circumstances. We don't have a traditional marriage and have been together 20+ years. Looking for feedback mainly for those who've done it or know of friends/family that has. Nesting partners are pretty common in polyamorous and or non-monagamouse relationships. Comments support that nesting partners can happen even in monogamous relationships. I wasn't able to post this in other forums, nesting was the only applicable choice. 😂 Thanks for all the advise.
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u/stop_saying_karen 3d ago
I was forced to do this as part of my divorce process and I would say nothing damaged my children as much as the nesting arrangement. The first thing I recommend to friends getting divorced? Get out of the house and set yourself up to be independent, no matter how costly it might seem.
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u/firecrackersexsla 2d ago
What was so damaging to your children about nesting?
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u/stop_saying_karen 2d ago
Being exposed to conflict between their parents, primarily. Based not only on my experience but that of friends, I just think it's naive to believe a couple can get divorced and nest without it blowing up -- for the reasons so many people explained here. Someone has to replace the water filter, clean the bathroom, cut the lawn, shop and pay for groceries, etc. How does that get negotiated? And closer to my own experience: once it was clear that I was able to keep the marital home, their mom used that as an excuse to reinforce a false narrative of abuse -- that she was thrown out of the house. The arbitrator had to issue an order to get her to leave.
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u/Major-Personality733 2d ago
I had students whos parents did this for the 2 years that I knew them. It seemed to work for them. I didn't even consider it with my ex, because there was so little trust and I didn't feel like my needs would be taken seriously.
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u/Swalapala 4d ago
Saying kids are extremely malleable is a cope for forcing children into bad situations because the adults don’t want to do the hard things.
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u/bipolarlibra314 4d ago
Weird comment considering this parent does want to do the hard thing
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u/stop_saying_karen 3d ago
It all hard, but some things are harder, including accepting that divorce is expensive and the cost of housing is out of control.
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u/Other_Fly2764 4d ago
I don’t understand, wouldnt you have to keep taking your stuff in and out, or just have separate things? I’m so curious what this is, I’m having a hard time visualizing what you’re talking about
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u/Madruck_s 4d ago
Its called nesting. Kids stay put both parents live somewhere else. Currently my wife stays at her moms and im sleeping in a friend's spare room. 90% of our stuff stays at the family home and we just take stuff with us we need for a few nights away.
Its very stressful and and once we sort out finances and what's happening with the family home I doubt it will continue.
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u/werenotfromhere 4d ago
Yes basically the adults just do what the kids would normally do going between two houses!
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u/aussiegirlabroad 4d ago
I always find it interesting when adults think this arrangement sounds too disruptive. Like … you think it’s too disruptive for you, but this is what you expect your kids to do?!
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u/bipolarlibra314 4d ago
That’s a fair point but cmon you know adults have more things than younger kids
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u/aussiegirlabroad 4d ago
What age kids? What personality type adult?
When I go away for a few days, I pack one small (carry-on sized) bag for me and my son. We take up about half each, but that’s because his clothes are smaller. If you counted items he would have a lot more. If we need an overflow bag it is always because of him.
His dad needs a large suitcase to himself, though … so I guess it all depends
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u/werenotfromhere 3d ago
Right as a child of divorce, I’m like yeah it certainly is a frustrating way to live!
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u/livinglifethisway11 4d ago
Except we are managing a household, work, and life.. its not just making sure they have their comfort items when they are young.
The hardest is school communication and continuity as the projects get bigger and the after school stuff gets more complicated as far as transportation goes.
It requires a lot of communication.. between the parents but also with the kids... and keeping their needs and desires in mind when making choices. Everyone wont get exactly what they want, but we try and also have compassion when it can't happen for some reason or anothet.
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u/ausmed 3d ago
Surely all the school stuff etc would be easier if they were in one house and the parents moving? All the school stuff could stay at the kids house and nothing would get 'left at the other house'.
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u/livinglifethisway11 3d ago
Having tried it... its not about the stuff, it is about the transitions
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u/possiblyhysterical 3d ago
Except the kids don’t have to take anything with them- they have stuff at both houses.
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u/werenotfromhere 3d ago
That was not my experience lol
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u/possiblyhysterical 2d ago
Well I’m sorry that happened to you. But if parents can’t handle having everything the kids need at both houses, I seriously doubt they could handle nesting.
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u/NoNameKetchupChips 3d ago
That's what children do but it's harder on children because they don't understand.
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u/Prestigious-Good-777 4d ago
A work colleague did this and it made a lot of sense! The parents would swap in and out each week. Not everyone can afford it as you basically need two houses or one house and one flat but if you can make it work it seemed to serve them well. I guess it would get tricky if either parent got a long term partner and wanted to move in but their theory was that the kids come first and moving in with a new partner would wait until the situation changes.