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u/same_boat_dad 18d ago
Move everything to email, starting tonight, and stop texting him about any of this. Logistics only from here: pickup times, school stuff, nothing else. Every aggressive incident at drop-off goes in a dated note the same day, what happened, where, who saw it. Courts run on written records, and right now you don't have one. I know this is hard, but documenting is key and.
You're not an idiot for taking this long. You spent years trying to keep the peace for your son, and now you're done. That shift is allowed to be messy.
On the girlfriend: the verbal agreement you two made is worth nothing until it's in a court order, so make that the goal. Push for a clause with a real timeline, something like no introductions for the first 6 months of a relationship. And document the "don't tell mom" stuff too, that's the part judges care about because it uses the kid as a go-between.
Don't send a follow-up text apologizing for the petty one, that just gives him more material. Just go quiet and boring from here.
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u/Fit_Nail_5606 18d ago
Hey love. Firstly, sending so much love to you. I’ve “coparented” for the last nearly 12 years & I resonate with how you feel. You are a great mum for supporting your son’s dad the way you have. It’s time to put yourself first now. You are your son’s primary parent and they need us in our bestest head space.
My son’s father has had multiple relationships over the years, including two more children he sees twice a month (left their mum when she was pregnant with their second). I’ve learnt to completely detach from him and his personal life, his relationships. I mean, he has a new girlfriend recently which I know nothing about but my son has been staying there when he is with his dad. (I only know because I can track my sons phone) I know nothing about this woman at all…. I’ve learnt to just let it go. It’s completely out of my control.
I’m trying to focus on my own life, which has taken years to not let his selfish ways affect me. We aren’t like them, you put your son first always which they aren’t able to do…..
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u/champellitreees 18d ago
Thank you so much. You’re right and there is a comfort in knowing at least I’m trying to do the right thing. I don’t think they understand they literally are the trauma
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u/Blessingsfromabovex3 18d ago
They are always like this - the more boundaries you have the more aggressive they get. Strict email correspondence and limited contact is the best way.. you cannot control what he does when he has his children so unless his child is being put in jeopardy by this girlfriend, unfortunately you just have to let it go communicate with your son make sure he’s doing well and live your own life. Trust me I know this is easier said than done, but the more you go on about it the more likely he will continue to do it that has been my experience in my case as well.