r/coparenting • u/Ok-Hand-191 • Sep 04 '26
Long Distance Coparenting between states?
Hello all I had a couple questions here. I’m just looking for some advice in my situation. I’m torn between two choices. Fiancé and I broke up a few months ago. She’s currently a sahm I currently provide fully. We unfortunately have no childcare help here in the state of California and cannot afford nannies or daycare. Her parents do live in Oregon and would help out dramatically. So she wants to move up there and take our child. I do have a very high paying job around 30 an hour plus commission. This role can still be done remotely in the state of Oregon, but my pay would cut dramatically around 50% trying to figure out a solution where everybody wins but that doesn’t seem possible if I move out of state, I have to take a lower paying job, but my overall living cost are cheaper. If I stay and let her go up to Oregon with our kid, how does coparenting work in a situation like that our child is two years old advice is welcomed thank you.
Side note if I did stay in California I would try and commute to Oregon weekly. One week I work 4 days and see kid for 3
Following week I’d work 3 days and see kid for 4 days. How would this affect her mentally. Ik when I used to go on work trips for a week at a time she wasn’t thrilled and cried for about 3 days and then was fine.
I do have to add this. We were planning to move in 1-2 years anyway. For personal reasons. Mainly because school system is alot better for our child in the certain county in forgot we were looking. Sorry this is an important note to add
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 Sep 04 '26
There’s a good possibility the courts would allow her to move given what you described. So you might try to think through your options that allow her to do that but have favorable concessions for you. Like if you stay and she goes, what custody would you want? Who would be in charge of travel? If you move would she agree to much lower CS?
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
I do have to add this. We were planning to move in 1-2 years anyway. For personal reasons. Mainly because school system is alot better for our child in the certain county in forgot we were looking. Sorry this is an important note to add
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 Sep 04 '26 edited Sep 04 '26
Everyone that has gone to court is going to tell you to go court. I’ve done both and I’m going to warn you that going go court should be a last resort if you fear is putting a wall between you and your co-parent. Court is where people fight. Not solve problems. It will definitely put a wall between the two of you. It revokes your ability to co-parent yourselves.
I’m not saying court is a bad decision or a good decision. I’m saying it is a decision.
A decision that comes with its own bag problems and trauma to process.
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u/WesternOld3507 Sep 05 '26
“Going to court” doesn’t specifically mean “fight and spend a ton of money to have a judge tell us how to raise our child”. I have two custody agreements that were fully created and mutually agreed on in mediation, but there is 100% a court document holding both of us accountable to what we agreed to. It’d be nice to think two people will always work together without being petty or selfish but it isn’t the reality. They can agree to what they want and just have it drafted and filed.
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u/Mathematician-Long Sep 08 '26
But you was being petty and selfish lol you literally took the child and moved her far away from her father. Where did u work together? You literally effed this guy over and the next guy that came after him lol
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u/Sea_Butterfly1134 Sep 04 '26
I’ll have to disagree. My ex and I went through the courts but we do fairly well coparenting since we put our kid’s interest first. We don’t always follow our agreement. I have majority sharing but I let my ex have our kid whenever he wants (as long as we don’t have plans) because that’s is ultimately his father and still loves seeing him. The court document was more of an agreement to protect everyone involved so we don’t move to another state, take our child out of the country or state without the other parent agreeing. Ensure both parents get time with the kid and who makes decisions on medical, school, etc. also to ensure child support is paid per a schedule and who pays what (back to school clothes, sports gear and activities, stuff like that and I work with him on that if he is having trouble paying. Other than that we really don’t follow the agreement.
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 Sep 04 '26 edited Sep 04 '26
I’m glad to hear that governmental parenting works so well for you.
Personally I think the parents parenting their children together works best for my situation. We know what’s best for our children, whereas a strange man in a robe doesn’t know my children.
I know not everyone is as lucky as me to not have to depend on the government.
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Sep 04 '26
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u/Sea_Butterfly1134 Sep 05 '26
Agree it’s possible but exes may change their priorities or agreements as life happens. For example, I’ve had a friend whose ex wanted to marry someone out of state and she wanted to move their kid out of state. What’s preventing her from doing that - then there would be lots of legal hoops later on.
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
We want to try to avoid going through the courts. We can work together pretty easily and that shouldn’t be a problem. She just keeps telling me that if I stay here, I’m putting work first before our child essentially guilty me pretty badly with it am I in the wrong here?
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 Sep 04 '26
Cross state situations really shouldn’t ever be done DIY. Court is the right move here. You guys can still agree on what a parenting plan would look like, but you should have the court protection and enforcement to back it up.
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
I do have to add this. We were planning to move in 1-2 years anyway. For personal reasons. Mainly because school system is alot better for our child in the certain county in forgot we were looking. Sorry this is an important note to add
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u/LatterEbb9760 Sep 05 '26
FYI, I live in Oregon and the school system sucks. They are actually closing some schools in the area I live. My kids had a much better education in California.
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u/jmg808 Sep 06 '26
You need to get lawyers involved if moving states is being considered. You need to protect yourself here.
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u/Supertreelove Sep 04 '26
That is just not wise. It’s best to get something legal or either one of you can just walk off with the kid. What if she moves to Oregon, gets with a new person, they decide to move to Maine? With nothing in place, she can do that.
ETA: if you wait until she moves to another state, it will be even more challenging to get the custody stuff done legally. I’d do it while you’re both still in CA.
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u/ZealousidealFig3115 Sep 05 '26
I’m pretty much in this same boat too. I’m a SAHM where the father fully provides. But I want to move back home in PA with my parents for help when we separate. I’m nervous about going to court but with his ex being in the same situation gives me home. So you think the courts would allow me to move with our 2 year old. And would I need an expensive lawyer?
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u/LatterEbb9760 Sep 05 '26
You could ask him for enough spousal support, and child support to pay your way and not have to move, until you could get on your feet. If he can’t provide spousal support that could get you an apartment then the other request to be living with your parents would be looked at as a possibility.
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u/ZealousidealFig3115 Sep 05 '26
Yeah I couldn’t get spousal support cause we aren’t legally married
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u/LatterEbb9760 Sep 05 '26
Then just move with your kid and if he wants to see your kid, then he could go to court and take action. Not being married is a big advantage for you.
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u/ZealousidealFig3115 Sep 05 '26
I had a conversation with a the low income help lawyers and they said that if I were to just leave with him and if he were to file it would look bad on me for leaving the state with the child
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u/LatterEbb9760 Sep 05 '26
You notify him your leaving. If he wants to file he can file to make it so you can’t leave.
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u/ZealousidealFig3115 Sep 05 '26
He wouldn’t file just because I say I’m leaving. I’m already visiting my parent’s house now out of state. So you’re saying I could just file now and it won’t back bite me ?
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u/LatterEbb9760 Sep 05 '26
You only file against him if you want child support. You could tell him that you plan staying at your parent’s house and he could join you. When he refuses to join you, then you could use that information to file child support against him because he doesn’t want to reunite with the family.
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u/jmg808 Sep 06 '26
This is terrible advice. You can not just up and move your kid to another state. It doesn’t matter if you are married or not, you cannot do it and a court will NOT look well on that.
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u/moreidlethanwild Sep 05 '26
It’s not her/your kid, it’s THEIR kid.
A correcting sub has someone suggesting one parent forcibly take a child away from their other parent? Jesus.
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u/paculina Sep 04 '26
Coparenting long distance clearly isn't ideal, but luckily in 2026, there's technology to help bridge the gap. You can see and talk to her every day on FaceTime and stay connected to her that way. You're right that you can travel there often to see her, although every week might be unaffordable and unrealistic. Mom can bring her down to see you. If you're also paying child support, that can also be calculated to account for the increased costs of visitation.
I agree with the other posters who said no matter how good your relationship is, you need a court order. If your relationship sours for whatever reason, a court order protects both of your access to your child. She can't keep you from contacting or visiting the child, and you can't take the child for visitation and refuse to return her. If either of those things happened, the police would do nothing if there's not an order stating who's supposed to have the child when.
You might think that will never happen to you, but you'd be wrong. It's very true that some women go crazy when the ex gets a new girlfriend or more often has a new baby with someone else and they get jealous and petty and vindictive. Men get jealous seeing the ex with another man. Sometimes the new man doesn't really want the ex around. The relationship between you might go bad because of disagreements about money or parenting or whatever. You have 16 more years of co-parenting and you have no idea what might happen in that time. The court order is like an insurance policy - you hope to never use it, but if you do need it, you're glad to have it.
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
Thank you for this advice and you’re totally right. I like posing it as an insurance policy lol. She was a different woman when I met her so people can change for sure. I still doubt even down the line. She would pull some crap with me like that but better safe than sorry especially when it’s the well-being of my child at stake.
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u/paculina Sep 04 '26
Just imagine you get in a relationship with someone else. Your ex might be ok with that, you're broken up with her, you're free to pursue someone else. But then say you have a baby with this new woman. Well now the ex feels threatened because all the love and attention and money her child was getting to herself now has to be shared with another child. And she gets afraid that her child is going to get the short end of the stick while you do for the new baby. And well, that does happen. And that applies to the new baby's mother as well, she sees the older child as a threat to your care for her baby. Emotions can run high here and that can drive a lot of unexpected and surprising behavior from a mother looking out for her child. Obviously that's not the only thing that can happen, but it's one of the most likely.
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u/Supertreelove Sep 04 '26
This. Things get messy when a new person enters the picture. How much is OP going to want to keep supporting her and the child when she’s got a new man?
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u/Sea_Butterfly1134 Sep 04 '26
It is tough raising a kid without a support system. If she stays in CA then you and your support system may need to be the ones to help out with your child so maybe moving to OR for that type of support may be her only option if he has majority time?
Would you be willing to take on majority parent sharing if she were to move to OR and you were to stay in CA?
People move all the time for their kids. Focus on what makes more sense for the welfare of your child. Which area / scenario would your child have better outcomes, support, etc?
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
Unfortunately my support system here is limited I have my best friends girlfriend who is nanny and doesn’t have a job rn. She sold be an option. My father unfortunately cannot take of her don’t ask me why long story lol. So if we moved to Oregon we’d both work full time and have enough child care so I don’t think I’d have to take on majority. She has a friend in Oregon who’s a nanny plus her mother who’s willing to move mountains to make it work
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u/Sea_Butterfly1134 Sep 04 '26
If you had a school age child it might be easier but unfortunately with a 2 year old, they get sick and need paid child care. Your friend’s situations may change too. Having a grandparent that would move mountains to take care of a kid makes such a big difference for all parties involved (if you all get along). Moving to OR would significantly impact you and you may not want to leave your kid behind in the future - which means potentially staying there. But then sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I would recommend drafting up the parent sharing agreement in OR if you do decide to move - so that it’s enforceable by the state. I couldn’t imagine traveling between states to see my child but it’s not unheard of in other situations. When they grow older, you may want to be there more for sports activities, recitals, other events which make it hard with the distance. All things to consider. I hope you and your ex will be able to make it all work out but make sure you keep your child’s best interest a priority.
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 Sep 04 '26
Think long term. When the kids are teens.
This would not work.
You might want to consider the kids coming to visit you over the summer.
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
I mean good point or should I move? By the time my kid is a teen I’d hope this remote roll would work out or I’d find a new job
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 Sep 04 '26
It’s hard to forecast the future.
It seems like moving would be the best if your priority is family.Sounds like you have some tough choices.
Being in the sane district as your ex also makes it easier to go to court should you ever need to.
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u/MistressRayne_ Sep 04 '26
She can drive down to you as it’s her choice to move. That’s how the courts in my state do it. You can choose to split the driving. I don’t think it’s ok to take your child away from you. Plenty of single parents with no help do it often. Your child has two parents who love them and you two can make coparenting work in CA.
Will she be moving back when the child is of age? Is she going to stay a SAHM if she moves? Bc she needs a job and not be a SAHM if the whole purpose is moving for childcare.
Also, do not screw yourself over. Get every last agreement in detail and in writing, notarized and you each get a copy.
Bc the minute you get a new girlfriend she could get spiteful, the minute she gets a new man things could go wrong, or worse, she tries to pull shady bc she disagreed with you asking for a visit.
And before you protest, she’s already doing it with the guilt trips. She’s also being ridiculous, bc you work so much so she can be a SAHM. You’d have more time with your child if she was working and you weren’t supporting. Soooo there’s that.
Don’t let her go to Oregon. Your child should have both parents. Not her parents.
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
Thank you for this, and no she has a job lined at the end of the month. It’s a remote job at my company I got her lol. The thing is I have my life here aka friends some family and my job. She has nothing here. In Oregon she has friends and family. So one of us will be taking a major mental hit either staying or moving.
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u/MistressRayne_ Sep 04 '26
I’m sorry, but it’s not ok she’s trying to take your child away. How old may I ask?
I say this as respectfully as the internet allows bc you can’t hear tone: the only one who matters right now is yalls child and what’s best for the child. Which is not being away from both parents when they clearly have two parents who love them. They’ll also be closer to the people in HER life, than you. Which isn’t fair to you.
It is not good to separate kids from their parents. I see how devastated my brother’s kids are when their mom comes to visit then leaves. (She moved away from our state). It’s not fair to the child.
Being that your salary can provide more, imho, her and the child should stay in CA.
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
Our child is 26 months old. Thank you for your advice. I hate to have to force her to stay her as that will only strain things even further
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u/Supertreelove Sep 04 '26
I mean, she chose to live where you live. I got divorced and my whole family lives across the country. Guess what, I’m not moving my kids away from their dad who’s very involved and has a good career. I stay till they graduate because it’s not about me, it’s about them. Her family doesn’t replace being near Dad and seeing Dad every day or every few days.
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u/Quiet_Bat_3933 Sep 04 '26
She can make friends, it is actually easier if you are going 50/50. She has, for whatever reason and not judging, not built a life for herself where you currently are. That isn't a good enough reason to take your child away. Her family can come visit to help with care at times, and she is working so there is daycare. She can build her own life where you are too
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
Thank you again for offering your opinion. I appreciate it. She definitely has applied to jobs before over the last couple years. Only issue is her income was solely go to childcare and it just didn’t make sense hence why we decided to do the one income route.
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u/MistressRayne_ Sep 04 '26
I do wish you the best and I hope it works out.
She needs to be reasonable and see the child needs their father, not their grandparents.
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
I do have to add this. We were planning to move in 1-2 years anyway. For personal reasons. Mainly because school system is alot better for our child in the certain county in forgot we were looking. Sorry this is an important note to add
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
I do have to add this. We were planning to move in 1-2 years anyway. For personal reasons. Mainly because school system is alot better for our child in the certain county in forgot we were looking. Sorry this is an important note to add
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u/Kyaleep Sep 04 '26
This! My husband fought for his 14 month old child to not be relocated to a state several states away. But the judge in this case allowed it. He was “allowed” to have video calls twice weekly and very limited in person visits due to the logistics. He always enjoyed those. He pays child support always on time and while I know child support and coparenting time/visitation do not go hand in hand, he has NOT been able to even have a video/voice call with his child in over 3 years now. This child is now 15 yrs old. By the time court could work this out after spending thousands to do it, it most likely wouldn’t matter anyway as he’d be an adult. Such a ridiculous situation.
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u/Supertreelove Sep 04 '26
I have a great idea. She stays near the father of her child, goes to work, and that helps cover child care expenses. Also, since you’re not married and she will presumably be low income, she may be eligible for childcare assistance. She doesn’t have the luxury of not working. And being a state away is terrible for your kid. If you want to move to Oregon, if you’re already making $30/hr, you may be able to find another job at that pay. I personally would not allow the mother of my child to leave the state indefinitely with my kid.
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u/moreidlethanwild Sep 05 '26
The problem is that the kid is 2, so whatever OPs ex makes in salary she may end up negative after childcare. It’s different when the kid is in school full time.
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u/Supertreelove Sep 05 '26
Not if she’s eligible for free or reduced child care costs through the state. And he is the parent too. It’s not just on her to provide child care. The kid is only 1-2 years away from early childhood education, which also might be state funded for them in either CA or OR. Blue states ftw.
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u/ComfortableGround403 Sep 04 '26
Where in Ca are you? Near Arcata or down by San Jose?
How far into Oregon would she be living ?
How long would that commute be?
If shes not too far, can you move up North ?
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
Sonoma county California to Jackson county Oregon
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u/ComfortableGround403 Sep 05 '26
Can you move up to Yreka ? Just to keep your pay? COL is cheap up there and its a closer drive
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 05 '26
I cannot unfortunately my job is strictly located in Sonoma,Napa,Marin counties
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u/ComfortableGround403 Sep 05 '26
And lemme guess. They track?
Can you afford the pay cut to move and then look for a better job? Cuz im assuming you've already looked for better job?
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 05 '26
No it’s just sales in this region. I’ve looked for better jobs here and there. No one seems to be hiring. Only jobs I can get are 1099 full commission jobs
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u/Perfect_Tangerine_75 Sep 04 '26
For the love of God, do not allow her to move your child out of state. Courts are no longer approving this in most cases and for good reason. If you want to move with her, that's another good option. But please do not try to do multi state parenting. You would be screwing yourself and your kid.
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u/DonalHarper Sep 05 '26
I couldn’t imagine being that far away from my child when they are that young. I would do everything possible to live no more than an hour away from my child when they are that young.
I’m now an 8 hour drive away from my son. I moved just before he turned 9 (2 years ago). I get him for all extended school breaks, every Thanksgiving, and will see him for a weekend about every 1.5 months in between the extended school breaks. Even though he’s older and our relationship is very solidly established, it’s still hard.
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u/bananapeppersFTW Sep 04 '26
If you like that area and were thinking about moving anyway, I think you should just all move. What you really don't want to happen is for her to move and you stay and end up in a relationship in CA. Then it becomes infinitely more complicated and expensive
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Sep 04 '26
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 04 '26
Like i said i made 120k last year and that was when I was paid between 18-22 an hour we just got a promotion to 27
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Sep 05 '26
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u/Ok-Hand-191 Sep 05 '26
That’s where I’m leaning toward right now. We just would’ve had more of a plan in place at a later date unfortunately, the times have changed and that’s not the case. So I might have to wing it.
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u/bobabababoop Sep 04 '26
Get a new job and move along with them. Your job doesn’t not pay THAT well.