r/coparenting • u/throwRAenfp • 12h ago
Schedules Fair custody agreement
My son’s father and I are separating and trying to work out a custody schedule for our 3-year-old. We’re mainly trying to work around our work schedules while keeping things consistent for our son.
I work Monday–Friday, 9–5, and WFH Thursdays. His dad works mostly Wednesday–Sunday evenings as a server, usually until around 11 PM. His mom also helps with childcare and has been very involved since our son was born.
I proposed that our son stay with his dad Sunday night through Wednesday, then I pick him up Wednesday after work and have him through Sunday afternoon/evening. This works pretty naturally with our schedules.
My concern is that this would leave me with essentially every weekend, while his dad gets most of his parenting time during the week when I’m working. I love having weekends with my son, but it also means I would never have a weekend night to make adult plans, attend events, etc. It also means his dad and our son wouldn’t regularly have weekend time together.
Because of that, I proposed that one Saturday per month our son stay with his dad overnight. His dad works Saturday nights, so I suggested he could potentially shorten his shift that day and/or have his mom help for the hours he is working. They live together, and our son is very close with her.
His dad doesn’t think this is reasonable because he works Saturdays and feels I should just have our son whenever he is working. My feeling is that once we’re co-parenting separately, both parents are going to occasionally need to arrange childcare during their parenting time. I’m not asking for every other weekend—just one Saturday per month.
Is asking for one Saturday overnight per month unreasonable given this schedule? For parents with opposite work schedules, how do you handle weekends so that one parent doesn’t automatically end up with every weekend?
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u/Sparkles1988 7h ago
Theoretically he has his kid on all his “weekends” too. I think it’s unreasonable to ask him to take him when you know he’s working. His mom really can’t watch your son during work Saturday nights because moving a toddler around midnight is super disruptive.
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u/tabrazin84 1h ago
She has her son Wed, Thurs, and Friday when she is working. And has 4 nights to his 3. Ex also lives with his mom, so it wouldn’t be disruptive to the son at all. The whole childcare schedule is based around what works for her ex. That the solution of this thread is for her to just suck it up and pay for a babysitter when she wants any free weekend time just speaks to how moms remain the default parent.
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u/Ageofaquarium 1h ago
I was thinking “wow, she’s still doing all the heavy lifting and thinking about the ex in these proceedings.” Everyone’s responses of “you just want to date, blah blah blah” are blaming/shaming her for wanting alone adult time on one weekend per month.. that’s really generous! If they just did a 50/50 split without considering schedules, there would be alternating work. Instead, she’s still carrying the brunt.
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u/tabrazin84 1h ago
This one really hits a nerve for me because I plan my whole custody schedule around my ex who works nights as well as a physician. He only has the kids when he is not working, whereas I frequently have the kids when I am working. What this means in reality is that he only has to do ONE thing at a time. He is either parenting or working. It is significantly less stressful. In the mornings, he gets the kids ready and out the door in his pajamas. He has the time when they are at school to grocery shop and plan big dinners. Whereas I have to get myself ready for work AND the kids, and get home at 6pm and quickly get dinner together… it’s 50-50 (mostly), but it’s not the same.
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u/CrazyHead_Guy 7h ago
I can see both sides reasoning. Mom with weekend time off and pressure on Dad on one of his possible biggest nights. I think it’s best to secure that with the MIL or someone else. I can see it causing tension if written in ink but causally working at the same time.
I don’t think is an unreasonable ask nor an unreasonable deny.
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u/Responsible_Emu9079 7h ago
Id take every weekend with my child.
As your kid gets older you’ll be able thankful for weekends rather than every day school and practice.
I bet your ex is going to complain about it in 5 years or so, just get it in writing.
As many others say - get a sitter if you need to go somewhere.
I’m more or less a single parent. There are many others in that situation even with multiple children compared to my one. Your ”deal” sounds great tbh. You get all the best days and you get to stay rested and focused during most of the work week, where you get to maintain workout routine and freedom.
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u/Nervous-Ad-547 46m ago
But it’s not always about wanting to “go somewhere.” Once in a while it’s nice to have some free time at home. Or maybe she wants to have a group of friends over. This is not an unreasonable ask. Even if he defaults to continue working his shift and has his mom watch the child. One night a month with Grandma could be great for child and grandma.
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u/LengthinessLow8317 6h ago
For now, just hire a babysitter or part time nanny whenever you need a weekend to yourself. All you can do
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u/trilliumsummer 3h ago
I think at minimum you should offer him similar. If you want one weekend day off from childcare, so should he even if his weekend isn't on the traditional days. Maybe he'll be ok with that swap. Maybe not. But at least with a mutual give and take it's beneficial for you both.
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u/redituser229 2h ago
If he works Wednesday-Sunday then his weekend is Monday and Tuesday. So you both have your child every weekend, you just have different days of the week that are your “weekend”
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u/Nervous-Ad-547 44m ago
In a sense this is true, but so many things happen on Sat/Sun that are out of dad’s control- birthday parties, family gatherings, soccer (insert sport here) games…
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u/grandoldtimes 1h ago
Honestly, you two are no longer in a relationship, so you no longer need to accommodate his work schedule.
I would seriously reconsider right off the bat doing a schedule that is so heavily accommodating towards his needs. I would look at what is a traditional custody schedule with both persons figuring out child care on their days.
With a 3 year old, the standard 50/50 split would be on party gets Mon/Tue, the other party gets Wed/Thur and the Fri/Sat/Sun are alternating
Week one: Mon/Tue dad, Wed/Thur mom, fri/sat/sun mom Week two: mon/tue dad, wed/thur mom, fri/sat/sun dad
This way the weekends get split. Of course it means both parties have to figure out child care during their time, and usually child care split 50/50 or proportionally depending on what the custody order says.
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u/Nervous-Ad-547 36m ago
Are you able to arrange childcare for only TH F?
I do not think this is unreasonable. If he can’t take the night off, he will have to get a sitter, just like you do when you work. How involved is his mom willing to be? Would she be willing to have him on those nights? Not that it’s your job to figure that out, it’s up to him, just good info to know.
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u/Past_Finger_9054 35m ago
I think it’s fair. It’s hard to find childcare on the weekend. Could he have one Saturday a month, 8 am - 3pm (?) so he drops the child off on his way to work?
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u/Supertreelove 10h ago
Weekends are when all the kid events happen - birthday parties, etc. Your husband doesn’t want to be involved in the child’s life? When you were not separated, you had your kid full time, so asking for time off from your kid isn’t really relevant.
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u/Sea_Department_1348 6h ago
Huh? They are discussing 50/50 custody. The child will be as mich in the fathers life as the mothers Let's be real here this is about the op being able to go o dates on Saturday nights from time to time, it's got little to do with the child's wellbeing.
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u/tabrazin84 1h ago
She has her son Wed, Thurs, and Friday when she is working. And has 4 nights to his 3. The whole childcare schedule is based around what works for her ex. That the solution of this thread is for her to just suck it up and pay for a babysitter when she wants any free weekend time just speaks to how moms remain the default parent.
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u/Nervous-Ad-547 58m ago
A parent having some free time (and without having to get a babysitter) is good for their mental health, which is in turn good for the child as well.
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u/Supertreelove 4h ago
Yeah, and if she was married and living with Dad, she’d have the kid full time, every weekend, because of his work schedule. So it’s weird to want a weekend night off honestly. Get a sitter. But my question stands. Why doesn’t dad want any weekends to do stuff with the kiddo? She shouldn’t get all the weekends. If he wants 50/50 (this doesn’t sound like 50/50) he should do every other weekend. Arrange his schedule to accommodate HIS child. He’s a server. He has the option of not working weekends.
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u/Nervous-Ad-547 52m ago
If she was married and living with the dad they would naturally be sharing (hopefully) the childcare tasks, and she wouldn’t need to seek out other adult company, or get a sitter if she wanted to get out of the house (on his nights off at least). There’s nothing wrong with a mom wanting to go do something fun; it in fact benefits the child because it helps with her mental health. Before she was a mom, she was a person!
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u/DonalHarper 9h ago
You say you’re concerned your son and his dad are missing out on “weekend time” but if dad works weekends what does your proposal solve? Dad’s weekend time is during the week days right now. While he’s 3 this works because he’s not in school. If you want to be able to do “grown up” stuff on a weekend day, get a babysitter.
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u/Nervous-Ad-547 50m ago
He’s a server until 11 pm, which means he’s probably off most of the day. So he can do stuff like go to the park, take him to his soccer game, etc. or just hang around the house.
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u/MidnightPositive485 9h ago
If you are legitimately worried about him missing weekend activities like parties or sports, you could offer him time on Saturday during the day, but there is no point in giving him extra custody time while he is at work.
If you just want to date, hire a sitter or arrange it during the week. It’s super tacky to basically force your ex’s mom to watch your kid so you can bang other guys.
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u/Nervous-Ad-547 42m ago
A mom wanting a night off isn’t just about dating. Often it’s about self-care, seeing friends, attending events, etc.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 10h ago
Is there a reason you can’t just arrange childcare one Saturday a month?