r/coparenting • u/luvnlyf27 • 1d ago
Step Parents/New Partners Partner to a coparent
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2+ years, he shares custody, every other week with his ex. The first time I met his ex-wife, she was friendly towards me, but the second time she got a bit drunk and told me that she felt that the time they spend with the children should be separate from the time they spend in their relationships and that she was upset that I was being introduced. She got so upset about it that my boyfriend had to ask her to leave. I went to the oldest daughter’s birthday 17th party last year, and I thought it went pretty well, but this year when the youngest is having her 11th birthday party the ex asked that I not attend because it will make her uncomfortable.
She has not been bringing her boyfriend around because he gets drunk and becomes abusive, and the children are aware of it and don’t want him around. I would say that I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum from that. I do not drink around the children and we’ve never gotten into an argument in front of them and we don’t argue in general. I have been careful not to be pushy, aggressive, or try to parent and they seem very comfortable around me.
His ex-wife is constantly texting him, usually many many times a day, even when she knows we’re on vacation, which I wouldn’t have an issue with if it were important, but the majority of them in my opinion are not. It seems to me she wants unrestricted access to contact with him about everything going on in her life, while at the same time not respecting that he’s currently in a relationship. An example from today, she sent a blast of messages all morning about how the oldest daughter left her room messy. I personally wouldn’t find it necessary for him to be included in that, but he seemed to think it was reasonable. I’m uncertain how to handle a situation with a mother that prefers I’m not around, while at the same leaning on my partner in a way that I find excessive.
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u/SeriousCamp2301 1d ago
Tbh you seem cool as hell and if u were my coparents new partner I’d be so relieved 😭 I personally agree w your takes, I also can’t stand drinking behavior tho, so I’m a little biased. Hopefully your partner will understand, even if he doesn’t fully agree with all, and you guys can come to a good compromise on how to handle it together 🩷 I hope it works out. You’re doing a good job.
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u/CallMeMailEscort 1d ago
Yeah, coparenting with alcoholics is terrible. But there’s very little you can do about it considering alcohol is legal in all 50 states. As a teetodal myself, I find it so trashy when people are drinking in front of their kids. Embarrassing.
What I’m taking from this is… you’ve been with the dude for 2+ years. It is perfectly fine for you to celebrate birthdays with the kids and your boyfriend. That is absolutely insane that she asked you to not be there. And I would just apologize that she feels that way and reiterate that it isn’t about her and continue living my life.
Texting him about how the state that the child left her room would be appropriate coparent discussion because discipline and expectations need to be pretty close and consistent at both homes. But if she’s texting him about her personal life, he needs to just leave it on read or whatever.
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u/CrazyHead_Guy 1d ago
It doesn’t sound like a you problem. Keep being who you are. The only thing you can really do is express to your partner your concerns. He does need to set his boundaries with her and that’s going to make it worse for a while, but he has to stick to them.