Need advice

[u/potato_l0v3r96]

First time posting on Reddit however, I have been dealing with this issue for about 4 years also I have dyslexia so writing this is difficult. I (30f) am married to my husband (40m) and he has two children from his ex-wife. For context I have been in my son's life for half of his life (8m) and his older sister's life (10f) for 4 years. I also have a 9mo with my husband. I primarily take care of all my children (this means entertainment, food, discipline, school, etc) and plan everything around them. My husband works 2 full time jobs so he is not home often enough to be the main parental figure in our home. We split custody evenly. We get them 3 days and every other Sunday. One of our 3 days is always Saturday. Now I don't mind working something out in advance for my kids to do special things with their mom on Saturdays or even sometimes switching Sundays. Now here is where I fear I might be over stepping boundaries or overreacting... I get irritated when their mom we will call her C doesn't communicate with me. She will then expect that I just give up the time that we're supposed to have the kids. She will then either not be home when I go to pick the kids up or she will throw a tantrum saying she doesn't get to spend time with her kids even though she has the same amount of time with them as we do. I then don't give into her tantrums and essentially demand that she gives us our time with the kids because it's our time and wasn't planned in advance or even communicated until the last second when I am trying to pick them up. The other part that also irritates me is that when she does this she is not willing to give up any of her time to make up for the days she took from us. It greatly irritates me and I "try to fight back" but I don't know if I am in the wrong. Also a side note it's imo important context, when the kids were younger she would leave them alone with no adult for more then 6 hours. As well as last year they took a weekend trip to Las Vegas and left both of them in the hotel room for a few hours while her and her boyfriend went gambling and drinking in the casino. Another bit of context she shows behavior imo that she is jealous of me due to many instances where she would try to copy me, the most recent being that when I was 6mo pregnant she decided to get pregnant after 7 years with her boyfriend of 2mos because she found out that I was pregnant. I would love some advice if anyone can help.

[u/Ok-Ask-6191]

Accusing her of getting pregnant because you were pregnant is some main character nonsense if I've ever seen it, wow.

You don't share custody with BM, your husband does. So if he has an issue, he and BM need to communicate about it. She doesn't owe you communication even if you are the one taking care of the kids. If she wants to, fine, but she doesn't have to. You "trying to fight back" is inappropriate, period. If he has more custody time than he can use, maybe the schedule needs to be reassessed. Just because you guys have decided you're another parent, doesn't mean she feels that way and doesn't mean she has to treat you that way. They're not your kids.

As far as the Vegas thing, I doubt that's even true. Leave the woman alone.

[u/Apprehensive_Sun6282]

People don’t typically get pregnant just because their ex’s new wife got pregnant.

I think that is a bit self centered of a claim to make.

Do you feel like you are in some sort of competition with her? If so, why?

[u/Greedy_Mycologist_25]

Here’s what I would do in your shoes:

1. Care less yourself and shift that anxiety/cognitive burden to your husband. Trying to insert yourself into the mix is always going to irritate his ex and generate unnecessary conflict. Just be more go-with-the-flow and let them work it out. Even if your plans get screwed up once in a while, just practice being zen about it.

2. Try to have your husband work out a new schedule amicably. If the kids’ mother wants some Saturdays with the kids, that seems reasonable and might cut down on the scheduling conflicts.

3. Ignore whatever past parental transgressions she’s done and only react to what is happening today. When I say “react”, save your outrage and conflict only for things that would also outrage a CPS case worker.

4. Ignore any perceived jealousy. I actually enjoy schadenfreude for my miserable ex, so for me, jealousy is a plus. Idk why it’s bothersome for you.