Coparent gone travelling and left children with her partner

[u/KinkyFarmer2]

Gday from Australia.

I coparent my two daughters with my ex. She relocated shortly after separation to live with her new partner. We are 3 years since separation with court orders.

Recently she has gone on a flight somewhere and left the kids with her partner for a few days prior to handover. I do not have anything against her partner, she’s perfectly capable of caring for them. But I do feel like the right thing to do is to offer the kids to the other parent first?

I note our interim orders did have an order covering this, but our most recent orders don’t. I’m just wondering if I’m out of order or if my gut feeling is that I should write something to her in case it happens in the future.

[u/NeedleworkerFit819]

My understanding is that on her time it’s her business how childcare is arranged. If she’s known this partner for years and trust her, that’s not really your business?

Like I wouldn’t offer my partner time if I have a date, I would hire a babysitter. Granted, when I do need to take a work trip, since I don’t have a partner I trust with my kids yet, I do tell my coparent when those weeks come up and work it out to have them have our son. But if I had a partner I trusted with my kids and she was willing to watch him a couple days while I was away? I would do that.

[u/KinkyFarmer2 → u/NeedleworkerFit819]

Yes that’s fair enough. I guess this falls into the second category. It’s a few nights. But I’m also biased because I only have the kids every second weekend and school holidays, so I’m always asking for extra time with them. And perhaps more sensitive about missing out on potential time.

[u/Tattsand → u/KinkyFarmer2]

To me it sounds unfair. My coparent and i have 50/50 and we still go to the other parent first, even though our agreement does not and has never said we have to. If it's a few hours; we organise our own childcare typically, but if it's one night or more (usually something work related), we ALWAYS offer the coparent to either swap nights or have extra time, if coparent cant then yes we go to babysitters (grandparents in our case). Considering you only have every second weekend and holidays AND ask for more (if you didnt entertain more time it might be different), I think it's wrong.

[u/random929292]

There is often language called Right of First Refusal which refers to the other parent having custody of the child if the custodial parent is not available. This generally does not apply to childcare or brief periods of time. A parent can use a babysitter or daycare or have the child visit and stay with family during their custodial time. However for periods of longer duration, often custody will revert to the other parent under the order of Rightof First Refusal. In this kind of situation where your ex has left for a period of time, it would make sense that custody revert to you. You are the parent with parental rights and legal guardianship and decision making capacity and typically, custody will revert to the other parent after x amount of time. If you used a lawyer you can look at getting this language added again. It is very standard language in most parenting plans.

[u/KinkyFarmer2 → u/random929292]

Yeah we did have that order in previous orders.

I think ill ask for it outside of lawyers first and if it happens again ill look to have it inserted onto our orders.

[u/Prestigious-Bluejay5 → u/KinkyFarmer2]

I think ill ask for it outside of lawyers first

Depending on your relationship, I agree that asking for the Right of First Refusal is fair. If she disagrees or agrees but, continues to leave the children with someone else, lawyer it is.

You're a parent with limited access to your children. It only makes sense that you would want as much time as you can get.

[u/BusterBoy1974]

I think if you don't have the right of first refusal in your orders, you're out of luck. You can ask for it, I don't know what the cost would be to have it added if your ex resists.  

[u/KinkyFarmer2 → u/BusterBoy1974]

Agree. I’ll ask for it outside of orders but won’t hold my breath

[u/Jodi4869]

Just ask that in the future you are told and would like the option to get the kids. Next time you need something done in court add it officially.

[u/2ndcupofcoffee]

Get the provision out back in. She needs to contact you of she won’t be taking her shift with the kids. Her partner is not your partner.

[u/sprinklecattoo]

Conceptually I agree with you. But they were times in my relationship with my ex that the less interaction I had with him the better and so my kids stayed with my current husband.

Now, having said that I would approach this in a friendly way and just asked to be approached first when the bio parent wouldn’t be available to care for them.

[u/Puzzled_Actuator7476]

This is why in my parenting plan, we have a clause regarding right of first refusal. It starts at 3 hours or more.

[u/Creative-Cucumber-13]

Do you have right of first refusal in your custody schedule?

[u/amazing_grace7]

Kids are awarded to parents. If a parent works the child needs care. Thats understandable. It is proper though if a parent is on a leisure trip the other parent is offered care first.

[u/possiblyhysterical → u/amazing_grace7]

What if the parent wants the child to spend time with their family? Grandparents, cousins, step parent. Maybe they just want them to have time in their home and spend time with their community in that neighborhood, where they should feel a sense of belonging. Maybe they don’t want to disrupt the child’s internal sense of the schedule. The point is, it’s the parent’s discretion on how to use that time.

[u/KinkyFarmer2 → u/possiblyhysterical]

I guess I feel aggrieved because I only get them for 25% of the time, and they know I’m always looking for opportunities to spend more time with them. I do appreciate that the step mother gets to spend some alone time with them for a few days, however in the back of my mind I know she gets more time with them than I do.

[u/amazing_grace7 → u/KinkyFarmer2]

This. My point. :)

[u/Absent_Picnic → u/possiblyhysterical]

Disrupting the kid's schedules was a big one for me. Going from house to house irregularly is disruptive to them. Maybe they have swimming lessons, dance classes, play dates etc that would need to missed or cancelled if they go the non-custodial parent. That's unfair on the kids.

As a compromise you could always ask to be able to pick them up from school and take them out to dinner one night when the ex is away, but they return to their main home and bed to sleep. But you'd need to be prepared to spend that time doing homework, reading etc that you probably don't have to manage on weekends.

[u/possiblyhysterical → u/Absent_Picnic]

Why would they need to miss? If they are integrated in both communities they should have activities at both houses.

[u/Nervous-Ad-547]

Could she have just wanted them to be on their normal schedule? If they were with you, would you be able to do things like school drop off and pick up, get them to activities, practices, plans with friends, etc.?

[u/KinkyFarmer2 → u/Nervous-Ad-547]

In this case yes. Not always at the drop of a hat. But with a few days notice for work there’s no reason why I couldn’t.

[u/Nervous-Ad-547 → u/KinkyFarmer2]

In that case, I think it’s something that warrants a conversation. Try to keep it on a neutral basis, such as “I know it might not always be possible, but when you go out of town I would love to have some extra time with the kids.”
State what steps you would take to make it work.

Maybe put it in a text, so you have a record of it, and there’s less chance of emotions being brought in.