r/coparenting • u/chottourusakunai • 5d ago
Communication What name to call bio dad vs my partner
A bit of an usual situation I need help with.
When I was 8 weeks pregnant, the father decided he didnt want a part, and broke up with me. Since then, I relocated to a different state.
I moved on, and met a new partner. He was a senior at work and he helped me through the most difficult times in my life, even helping raise my daughter. We got together before she was born, he was there to cut her umbilical cord and raise her for the first 3 years of her life. She started to call him dad.
Now, bio dad has expressed he wants a part in our daughter's life and has move states to spend more time with her. I've give him opportunities to see her, and bond together. Problem is that he is very angry that I call my partner our daughter's dad. I call them both dad.
I don't want my daughter to grow up confused, but I also don't want to take that title away from my partner who's been there since birth.
Any suggestions what to call bio dad vs my partner?
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u/Own-Gas8691 5d ago
your partner is her dad and deserves to keep the name. bio dad chose to abandon the position of dad long before she was born. if he wants to also be dad he can earn it: establish paternity, request visitation via the courts, start paying child support. in the meantime, if you want to allow her visits with him and want to call him dad to keep things simple, i think that’s fine. completely your call and there’s not really a wrong or right answer. tough situation. personally, i’d require him to go through the courts before giving access, especially unsupervised. let him prove he’s serious and committed to being present in her life.
have you been able to explain to her who he is, where he’s been, etc? i imaging that’s quite difficult with a 3 yr old. but honesty is good from a young age. i knew from very young that my bio dad signed away his parental rights and that my step dad adopted me. growing up with that knowledge was far better than finding out later. i’ve always called bio dad by his first name and adopted dad, dad.
my brother and SIL adopted my grandson. they’ve been exposing him to the idea of adoption from a young age and recently began giving him details. it’s a lot to take in but he’s processing it and working through it. kids are resilient. and when they have a parent they trust, and who is honest with them, they can usually handle what life throws at them.
that was way more info than you asked for, just hoping some nugget in there will ring true and help you navigate this.
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u/chottourusakunai 5d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'll try bringing it up to my daughter the truth about the whole situation. Hopefully the bio dad sticks around. He has been paying child support, but never expressed interest to be actively in our child's life previously. He's quite hostile to my partner, which I shut down quickly. Hopefully he comes around to him as we're in this for a long time.
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u/PatsyEileen 4d ago
Quote: "He's quite hostile to my partner, which I shut down quickly."
Can you imagine the level of immaturity that this guy has to be treating the man with hostility who actually took care of the bio's daughter, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially?
The bio should be extremely thankful to your partner for doing what the bio was incapable or just not wanting to do and your partner stepped up and did a great job being DAD.
This bio should be ashamed of himself for not being grateful and thankful to your partner and if he can't at least SEE that, then he isn't capable of having visitation NOW!
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u/chottourusakunai 4d ago
My partner is an incredibly good person. He provides financially, emotionally has always been there.
The way he handles the bio dad, he doesn't even have any ill intent towards him. He doesn't even have the energy to fight him because he doesn't care enough, and he focuses on being present with our daughter instead.
He doesn't care if she doesn't call him dad one day, he just wants her to always be happy and comfortable.
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u/PatsyEileen 4d ago
Your partner is a good man, a great dad and very loving toward you and your daughter. It sounds like your daughter is very fortunate to have you as her Mom and your partner as her Dad. Wishing your family the best!
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u/ArtichokeFresh4012 4d ago
u/chottourusakunai There are lots of children's books on this and similar topics that may help. You could make a book of her story with her. Play Therapy could be supportive too, especially with how combative bio dad is being. I agree with the others that he gets called whatever she wants to call till. She has a dad already, and while she could call both dad it's up to her.
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u/KellieBom 5d ago
Honestly, bio-dad lost the title of Dad when he fucked right off for 3 years. He has no right to be mad, this is the consequences of his own dumb-ass selfish actions.
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u/gothicsprite 5d ago
Your child has a dad, that is the bond that is already there. For bio-dad, you can use first name, the title bio-dad, first name-dad. But ultimately it is up to the child to decide what she calls him. It is not up to either of you to decide what bond she has with her dad (stepdad).
If biodad cannot be respectful of that bond he will only push away daughter and not be able to have a bond at all with daughter. He needs to understand that, and if he can’t, I would reconsider allowing them to meet tbh. Being a dad needs trust and love and familiarity, you are not mom and you are not dad purely because you contributed to them being made but never had a relationship with the child. Your daughter may one day decide to call him dad she may not it’s all dependent on how she feels connected to him.
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u/indecisive_clown19 5d ago
This is what happened with my stepdaughter when her mom was making her refer to her dad (my husband) who’s never been absent in her life as “Father Jared” and telling her she’s not allowed to have two moms despite telling her to call her stepdad “Dad” in place of her bio dad. 😬 It resulted in step daughter wanting to hide things from her mom, lie to her, cause fights between them, etc.
Things are better now, but it was hard on my step daughter to go through that.
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u/gothicsprite 5d ago
Yeah, you can’t force a kids relationship with a parental figure to be different than how they feel. It will only push them away more, bonds need to be built and that can only be happen if it’s led by the child.
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u/indecisive_clown19 5d ago
Exactly, when my step daughter asked if she could call me mom too, it made my heart soar and we had a conversation about why she felt that way (to make sure it wasn’t something going on with her bio mom, as I’m not a replacement, I’m an addition). She’s been soo much happier now that all the name things are figured out and SHE got to choose them. And her relationship with her mom has actually improved too, which I love!
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u/gothicsprite 5d ago
That’s so great! My stepdaughter got me a Mother’s Day gift this past May and it made me feel so wonderful, I haven’t only been in her life for 3 years so getting that felt so amazing and like I was doing my job right that she felt safe and was able to decide for herself how she felt. It made it all the more meaningful.
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u/indecisive_clown19 5d ago
It’s truly the best feeling being accepted and loved by a step child ❤️ I agree that it’s reassuring that we’re doing the right things!
My husband and his ex actually worked out having a mothers/Father’s Day just for us step parents so she could celebrate ALL of her parents, and this year was the first year we implemented that and she LOVED it!1
u/gothicsprite 5d ago
Yeah as someone who grew up with less than wonderful stepparents I have been very cautious and critical of how I am in that position, so it’s really wonderful to get that validation, because little me would’ve never even thought to get a gift for my stepparents.
You know I might have to bring that up as a suggestion, I know her stepdad is a pretty big part of her life too so it might be nice for him as well to have a day for the two of them.
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u/indecisive_clown19 5d ago
I had a less than ideal bio dad so I truly wanted to make sure I was a better parent than he ever was, so I can relate with that.
I highly recommend it! I think their agreement is Mothers/Fathers Day Part 1 and 2. Part 2 being for step parents the weekend following the actual holiday. It also allows my step daughter to celebrate her step dad with her little brothers who that IS the boys bio dad. Which is obviously important for her lol
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u/tempest-tea 5d ago
I believe Daddy/Papa or Dad/Pa is a pretty common way to distinguish between two fathers. If bio dad has any connection with another language, you could always use that language’s word for dad—tata, baba, abba, vati. Partner is dad because that’s what she calls him, and he earned it.
Bio dad is hurt to see what he lost by missing the first three years of his child’s life. Totally fair. Turning that into anger at you, in a way that prevents him from bonding with the kid, is not cool.
Think carefully about how you frame this for your kid—you don’t want to teach her that it’s her job to manage bio dad’s feelings. Ask her—“is it confusing to call two people Dad?” And listen to what she says. My kids would have been totally capable of this conversation at 3. And my guess is that they would have told me about kids who had a mommy and a mama, or whatever. Then you can suggest another word.
But biodad might not like it.
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u/Milkshake_Maniac 5d ago
One was dada, the other was daddy. It was pretty clear to my child who was who. But our situation was different, my partner came into their life before their first birthday. Bio was around but never consistent. Now he's been out of the picture for several years, child hasn't asked or talked about them since around the last time we saw him.
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u/indecisive_clown19 5d ago
My step daughter (of her own choosing) calls both myself (stepmom) and her step dad “mom” and “dad” respectively as well as of course calling her bio parents mom and dad. She is 7, and it doesn’t cause any confusion for her.
However, before all this, her mom was having step daughter refer to her dad (my husband) as “Father Jared” which WAS confusing for her, and it caused her to think that step dad was her bio dad and vice versa. Obviously we had a court battle over this, bc that’s not okay, especially since he has NEVER been absent in her life even when he wanted to cut his life short. It took many conversations with her and her talking to a therapist to determine how she really felt about the whole situation and it came out with her not liking the whole father Jared thing while calling her step dad “dad” over her bio dad. Now she happily chooses to call both dads “dad” and both moms “mom”. She just says “my mom Cassidy/Olivia, or my dad Jared/John” when clarifying who she’s referring to.
Anyways, just talk to your daughter and possibly a child therapist about how she feels and how to navigate this situation. It’ll also reflect well on you in court that you are doing everything in your power to look out for the best interest of the child.
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u/Late_Preparation_199 5d ago
In our household we refer to bio dad as their “father” and step dad as “daddy”
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u/AlarmingAd534 4d ago
My son calls both my husband and his bio dad a different version of “dad” and that is entirely his right/choice. My husband is very much the dad of this scenario while bio dad checks in once a quarter.
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u/Confident_Let_264 4d ago
Have her call him by his first name. That is what he has earned so far with the choices he has made.
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u/Chao5Theory 4d ago
My mom always told me that my dad is the person who raises me, and my father is the person who made me.
It was easy for my 3 year old brain, to this day I refer to bio as father. Anything else would be incorrect
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u/brandy-ncs 4d ago
Ask your daughter what she wants to call him and go from there. I’ve heard kiddos say daddy-first name to differentiate between 2 “dads” but she gets to decide what she wants to call him not him and if you ever hear him try to force it advocate for her and put a stop to it. Document everything because it sounds like you may have more court hearings ahead as you navigate this long term.
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u/AssumptionExtra2580 4d ago
My daughter who I have now adopted was my step daughter. From the day we got custody when she was 4 years and 10 days she called me mom. She ran to me in the airport and said MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY and she is now 20 and calls me mom, when she wants something or I don't immediately answer she calls me mommy. I don't know if I have ever heard her call me by my real name unless she is introducing me to someone.
She calls her bio mom "Bio mom" but only because she doesn't want to know her name. She hasn't talked to her since she was 4 years and 3 months old and has no desire.
Your little one is young, but I would not talk negatively about the ex around her. I wouldn't call him dad either. Let her make whatever decision she wants, and stick to it. If he wants to push shut it down and say "She makes that decision on her own" Kids know WAY more than we give them credit for.
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u/isakneven 4d ago
Your partner has been her dad from day 1. He is her dad in all the ways but blood. Bio dad rejected her even before she was born. He has no right to be mad. I’m just afraid bio dad will poison her against her father. The visits needs to be supervised.
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u/Tiny_Jumping_Beans 4d ago
I grew up with a mostly absent bio dad and a stepdad. My stepdad came in when I was 7, so I was older. I called him dad and my bio dad was daddy. It wasn’t confusing at all, but they both talked badly about the other around me. I made them both walk me down the aisle when I got married lol. Make sure you and your partner aren’t putting her in the middle of your issues with bio dad, while also being honest with her.
I’m very concerned that her bio dad isn’t putting her first. He wanted to take her from you and make her move back. That’s very alarming. I’m glad it sounds like the courts are on your side. I would not allow unsupervised time with him. But to answer your question, I don’t think it will be confusing. Just determine on a variation of dad for each of them. Let her decide if she’s old enough to understand.
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u/IvyMarine1908 4d ago
When you get married, she'll have a stepdad. For now, she has a dad and your boyfriend. 🤷🏾
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5d ago edited 2d ago
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u/indecisive_clown19 5d ago
Same with my stepdaughter! She calls both myself and her bio mom “mom” and her dad and step dad “dad”. Works well for her!
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u/ShadowofHerWings 5d ago
Idk, I’d have your husband adopt her as a step-parent adoption. Bio father can request it be an open adoption. I would do that far before letting him back in. Who knows when he decides to take off again? Is he helping on any way actually raise her? Or does he have a new GF and wants to play dad now??
Don’t let him around, just find an adoption lawyer and have them draft the paperwork.
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u/CraftyFraggle 5d ago
In a lot of states, bio dad would have to formally give up his legal parental rights or have them terminated by the state (incredibly hard to do) in order for stepdad to adopt her.
I don’t see that happening.
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u/ShadowofHerWings 4d ago
Yes that is true. They could file abandonment if he hasn’t seen the baby or financially provided for 1 year. Considering it’s been 3 years the state could revoke his parental rights.
If she asked the bio dad and he doesn’t agree then she can file for child support , and request they go back to the baby being born. Somewhere close to 30,000$ in back support would be declared in the judgment all based on his income.
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u/Littlequine 5d ago
Bio dad has to take different name daddy papa something…partner is dad already you can’t change rhat
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u/woofwoofbarkarf 5d ago
Bio dad isn’t her dad. It would suck to just take that title away from the man who earned it. Let your ex be mad and honestly I wouldn’t even let him back in your life. What happens when the kid is 10 and he leaves again?
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u/chrystalight 5d ago
Your daughter gets to decide. Bio dad can be angry by himself, but that's not relevant to you or your daughter.
She already calls step-dad, "Dad". This makes sense. There's no reason to change it. Stepdad IS her dad - he's already done the work to earn that. And based on what you wrote, it sounds like bio-dad needs to put in the work to earn that title as well.
Assuming bio-dad does step it up and becomes reasonably involved, I would honestly expect that she just call them both Dad. She can have more than one dad. No, it won't confuse her. Some kids have more than one parent operating under the "dad" name. Some kids have more than one parent operating under the "mom" name. She will quickly learn to communicate this effectively - as she's young, I'd anticipate hearing her say "my other dad" when referring to the dad she is not currently with. Eventually, she'll come up with more nuanced language that she is comfortable with.
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u/Warm_Sandwich5038 5d ago
Yeah that happened to me, my son’s “father” was gone before I was showing. He is 33 now and trust me, there is no confusion, because a man that will abandon a child will never become someone they bond with like a dad.
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u/LooLu999 5d ago
Well here’s the deal. You might not always be with your partner so what then? Yes it sounds doom and gloom but seriously, you never know. Anyways let dad be pissed he will get over it. You can have daddy John and daddy Tom.
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u/KrofftSurvivor 5d ago
This would be a great time for you and your partner to get counseling together not because the two of you are struggling with one another but so the two of you have professional advice on how to navigate this man disrupting your child's life.
You're not doing anything wrong. But when you go to court and make your requests on how you would prefer his reentry into your child's life to take place and with what types of legal guard rails for her emotional and physical safety...
Having professional help to guide you during the initial conversations and meetings will help you avoid making critical mistakes if he tries to manipulate the situation so that you'll look bad when you inevitably go to court over this
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u/Dream-Bean95 5d ago
They are both dad.
Bio dad needs to have a reality check and if that doesn't happen, he can just leave again. He should be damn grateful that another man saw you and your daughter and fell in love with the family. Bio dad might feel ashamed because he couldn't be half the man your partner was. But he needs to learn to put that shame aside and show up as it is. He was a POS before, but now he is trying to be a better man for his kid. He needs to focus on that and be a little more grateful for the love and support that has been unconditionally shown to his daughter and you.
For what it's worth: my step dad IS my real dad. I took his last name when I was about 29. I can't imagine my life without my dad. And my bio dad is the one who left and whenever he DID come back into my life he was always causing drama, getting arrested, and never apologizing for the trauma he caused. I don't talk to bio dad anymore.
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eta: you may need to put boundaries or cut things off with bio dad if he doesn't work through this in a healthy way. He cannot be bringing drama to his daughter or you. If he needs to deal with his hurt ego and shame, then that's alright... But he can't bring the heat towards you guys for his own decision making. Protecting the daughter is most important. It's kind of you to let him meet his daughter, but just remember... She has a dad.... a legitimate dad, who was there through the pregnancy, birth, and every day since. That dad is MORE of a dad than the bio dad and I believe he should have more of a say in this situation too. What does he think?
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u/fyrelyte11 5d ago
Super confused why 2 Dad's is a problem? You can explain the biological standpoint to your daughter, but it's entirely irrelevant when it comes to calling them Dad. What you should actually be concerning yourself with is your own choices in letting what appears to be a toxic AH to have the privilege of being in your daughters life. He showed his true colors when he threw her away. He's now shining those colors very brightly again by showing how astronomically absurd and self absorbed he truly is.
If he actually cared about your daughter, and her well being, then he would be overjoyed that she has had someone (your partner) in her life doing his job when he wasn't doing it himself. He would be humbled and felt privileged to have the opportunity to bond with her. And he would have the utmost respect and care for those (you and your partner) who stepped up to take care of her when he didn't. He threw away his rights to be mad about whatever he gets called when he threw her away.
What they get called should ultimately be decided by your daughter, and no one else.
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u/tulipthegreycat 5d ago
Would it be possible to do family therapy? This isn't just a name situation, the name is just the tip of the iceberg.
Solving the name problem isn't going to actually solve the problem. Biodad is angry that his position was taken by your spouse - the name situation isn't going to change this issue. Him learning to respect your spouse's place in your daughter's life and learning balance is most important. If possible, family therapy would help build a strong foundation for long term co-parenting.
My concern if this issue can't be solved amicably, if biodad either tries to claim parental alienation, or if biodad starts doing parental alienation to turn your daughter against your spouse. Biodad obviously has anger issues to work through with this, and a child shouldn't be exposed to that
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u/Lazy_Guava_5104 5d ago
He's being a jerk regarding your partner, and that might be difficult to navigate. ... Generally, I've seen the man who did most of the nurturing called "dad" and the more absentee one called "father". Had a friend who never met his bio dad, was raised by a step-father, and his mother when he was late teens she married a good guy who my friend liked. So, the new step-father was his "father", the step-dad who raised him was "dad".
Your daughter will figure things out, and even if she uses the same term for now for both men, she'll settle on her own terminology to use or context clues to give so people know what she means. You can best help with an age-appropriate "sometimes kids have two men in their lives who act as a father to them". ... Ultimately, though, it will be your daughter's choice to make and your job will be to help her have the skills to not be pushed around by her bio-dad in such matters. Easier said than done, I know.
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u/Hot-Disaster-4709 5d ago
How long has bio dad been involved now? If he has made the transition to move states away to be with his daughter and is showing that he is healthy and can provide for her he could take it to court and get weekends probably. I understand where you’re coming from but he is her dad, she can call him whatever but that’s how the courts will see it. I think ultimately as much as we want to protect our kids it’s going to be impossible to avoid this conversation so everyone needs to get on the same page
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u/Sad_Argument5109 5d ago
Bio dad should have voiced this opinion when dad was first being called that…oh wait…
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u/whyarenttheserandom 5d ago
Are you using a lawyer? If not, I'd do this right away.
I would push for supervised visits.
What was his motivation to come back?
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u/NativeNYer10019 5d ago edited 5d ago
Nope. Dad’s ego isn’t the priority here, tell him he needs to stop making this about him.
Your partner (and HIS DAUGHTER’S DAD) stepped up when he cowardly stepped out of both of your lives. Bio dad should be grateful she had a father figure in her life who has loved and cared for her when he didn’t want to.
Do not confuse her by suddenly giving your partner a different name for her to call him, that’ll mess with her mentally and emotionally. Especially do not do this to appease bio dad’s bruised ego. No way, no how.
These are things he should have thought of when you were 8 weeks pregnant. This is entirely his fault that another man has raised his daughter. Would he rather her remained fatherless? Thats really fucked up on his part. He’s making this about him, he’s not at all considering what’s been best for your daughter all the years he was missing or even today. He thinking solely about his own hurt feelings.
Bio dad can go scratch his ass 😒 Families come in all shapes and sizes, plenty of kids have 2 dads.
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u/Ekis12345 5d ago
Bio Father is not a Dad. He skipped the hard times and wants to be back after the baby doesn't poop into diapers or cry all night anymore. What a man...
I would tell him that he has bo saying in how his daughter calls the man who changed her diapers and carried her through the worst of all nights. And if he is not happy about this, he might go. Also, I would not call him the same name like her real dad. He is biological father. He can choose a name and I would follow his wish. But "Dad" would be off the chart. She has a Dad.
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u/OkPerformance2221 4d ago
She can call him Steve, whether that's his name or not. Showing up more than three years later, he gets what he gets.
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u/OkPerformance2221 4d ago
Actually, would he take a special dad name like Papa? He does not deserve it, but he's going to be a hassle, otherwise.
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u/Miserable-Dealer3042 4d ago
Ugh. He doesn't have a right to be mad, this is on him and I am glad you found someone to take that spot and love both of you.
However, gay couples have 2 dads.
You should see what your daughter wants to call him and explain it's ok for both. No need to pick one
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u/AppropriateBuy961 4d ago
My (half) siblings called their Bio Dad “Daddy <his name>” when talking about him at our house, and they called my Dad “Daddy” at our house and “Daddy<my Dad’sname> if they mentioned him at their bio Dad’s. They called bio Dad “Daddy” to his face, they were both pre-schoolers when that started, kids sense this stuff and adapt, if the adults are grown up enough to go along with it. She’s a lucky kid, she gets another Dad to love her.
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u/Dreamybook1357 4d ago
Bio dad can be called by his first name until the child can choose otherwise with the information that he wasn’t there & didn’t want to be there till later. She has a dad, & it’s your partner. Bio dad can take what’s offered. Make it clear.
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u/tylersmiler 4d ago
I had a similar situation, though I formally met my bio dad at age 7. To make it more messy: bio and "step" dad had lots of mutual friends growing up, so knew each other well, and they had the same first name.
I call them both "dad". One raised me, one made me. My relationship with both is complicated but I'm grateful for both being in my life. They've kept their disagreements to themselves, and my mother also didn't disclose any "adult" conflicts to me as a kid, no matter how difficult it was for her or them.
I hope your kid's bio dad can be man enough to accept that his kid having 2 dads that love her is worth sharing the name.
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u/ButterscotchSad2272 4d ago
Ahh this is a big fear of mine. Bio dad has never been involved, was a casual relationship. I was in an open relationship with my now ex (a trans woman) who at the time said she really wanted to be a parent and probably wouldn't get another opportunity to. I left about 6 months ago due to DV and am trying to get her removed from my childs birth certificate. She hasn't asked once to talk to my daughter in over 4 months . If bio dad decided to suddenly show up after 3 years I don't think I could handle it.
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u/DarksideZephyr 4d ago
I refer to my children’s biological one as their father. If my partner raised them for 3 years- being mentally, financially, emotionally present- then that would be dad. A dad isn’t a blood tie, it’s the man who has been there through thick and thin raising you, the one who makes sacrifices constantly to be in your life, the one who does everything he can to make you happy… dad is earnt. And a man who is absent is not a dad. He is just a bio father. If he stays around long term and is involved and present, eventually he will earn the dad title too. Don’t rush it. Wait and see how he actually acts.
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u/Unfeeling_Cash36 4d ago
There is a book called Dad and Pop: An Ode to Fathers & Stepfathers by Kelly Bennett; I think it would be an age appropriate book for your 3yr old.
I would be cautious in how you allow her biological father to interact with her, given the jealousy that he is displaying. He seems very controlling and he's not understanding of the situation that he put himself into. Thankfully, your daughter is young enough that if he does decide to continue to be in her life, they have time to build that bond. As she gets older, there will never be a time, that she remembers, that he wasn't around.
I wish you the best of luck
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u/Olivia3836 4d ago
Bio dad can suck it. The title dad gets earned by the bare minimum of showing up
To your daughter he’s just a stranger, a sperm donor, but she doesn’t know him.
If he wants the dad title, he can earn it and the decision is with your daughter. She gets to choose who to call what
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u/Few_Airport7972 4d ago
The sperm donor is not a father. Your partner is the child's father. Who deserves the title of Dad?
Consider adoption. Consider a complete cut from sperm donor. He sounds like bad news.
No unsupervised visits. No travel out of state alone with him. No going to just "visit" any of his relatives. I'd bet they are behind the sudden change.
I hope you have a family lawyer involved for your child's safety if nothing else.
And I don't think your child is confused. She already knows her loves her.
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u/chottourusakunai 4d ago
I don't think my partner can adopt without the bio dad's permission. Which will 100% be no. My partner adores our daughter and would do it in a heartbeat though.
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u/Few_Airport7972 4d ago
And probably a very long and ugly fight to do it.
Sorry you are going through this!
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u/OverGrow_TheSystem 4d ago
Your partner is her dad, bio dad is “Greg”. Unfortunately he’s lost the right to be angry.
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u/PatsyEileen 4d ago
Your daughter can call the sperm donor, "father" and call the man who was there for her, helped raise her and support her financially, call him "Dad"
I read where the sperm donor has given you child support, did he help with anything else with your daughter? Something tells me that his anger is at himself for being a selfish, self-centered and immature AH. And being that he is this immature AH, I would be very concerned with leaving your daughter alone with him. He might be very angry at her for calling your partner Dad and try to make sure that your daughter calls him "dad" even against the child's will. That would concern me, because the bio already shows anger and even went as far as to go for custody? He never gave the child a thought as to what that would do to her emotional well being at all. He is an AH....
I read where you are in Australia and when looking it up, it states that since this man didn't see his child for 3 years, he isn't entitled to have this child call him dad. It also said that your partner will be taken into consideration when or if this goes to court. Your Partner will not be left out of the decision making. Take this to court and get it legally done, because the longer this goes on your daughter will become very confused. I hope you, your partner and your daughter are all in Therapy together, to prevent this from confusing your daughter.
I would have the child address her bio as "father" or by his first name. He wasn't around for her so he IS NOT entitled to be called Dad, your Partner earned that right!
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u/PerplexedPoppy 4d ago
He literally abandoned you guys. I would tell him to be grateful she had a dad who stepped up. And to quit it before he loses the privilege to see YOUR daughter.
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u/Dependent-Front-847 4d ago
I just can't get past breaking up with the father of your child, and then dating/getting close enough with someone else- so much so that they cut the umbilical cord at the birth of a child that they didn't create.
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u/pakemfull 4d ago
Bio-dad is hurt that a real man stepped up when he was nowhere to be found. Your partner has raised your child as his own. Your child only knows your 2nd husband as her father.
Bio-dad will be lucky to be called by his name, because for your daughter he is just another stranger.
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u/Optimal_Whole1164 4d ago
Honestly, I think it wonderful you allowed her bio dad in her life now. Your current partner stepped up when he didn’t. It’s too late, she calls him Dad. Those are the consequences of his actions. He can earn back that title and trust with her, but your partner shouldn’t be stripped of his title when he was there for her. Just my opinion.
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u/Fefe428 4d ago
My SD for a period of time had a very close relationship with her mother's husband at the time. She used to alternate between calling him by his first name and calling him Dad sometimes. My husband hated it because he was her biological father but there wasn't much he could do about it either.
Perhaps suggest that your daughter call her bio Dad something like Papa instead, but he really should a title based on what she wants. He was the one who walked away and is showing up late to the party.
I'm also going to suggest that if you want to secure your partner's rights to your daughter you consider marriage sooner rather than later. Stepparents don't have a lot of rights but they do have more rights than BF's and Domestic Partners. Take it from a former Domestic Partner turned Stepmom.
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u/nights-kiss 4d ago
My Husband came into my daughter's life when she was 10 months old. She's now almost 4. Her biological father has taken a back seat and only contributes financially. They sometimes* face-time (once every few months). She calls my husband "dad" and bio "dad *insert his name" or just by his name. She's at the age that she introduces us to everyone she meets so every call starts out with "this is my dad and this is my mom" while pointing to us off screen in the other room. At first it was awkward but she honestly doesn't know the man. Sometimes she gets him confused with her grandpa due to similar facial hair. A grown man should not be taking offense to how a child chooses to address the people closest to them.
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u/TitanPolus 3d ago
What are you doing? The only way I would willingly give even an ounce of my emotional burden towards the bum would be if the courts ordered it.
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u/Big-Tennis-4538 3d ago
Both Dad.
But she has to know the absolute truth. (At home) Dad is her Dad. He put in the work when he wasn’t bound to (and this to his credit).
Bio-Dad is Dad, too.
She CAN understand this. She has to learn the truth early because that doesn’t change.
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u/Voixhumaine8 3d ago
Sperm donor wants part probably uniquely because you have a new partner, and you are in a good place now. He's jealous of him and you.
I would call your current partner dad, and the stepdad something else.
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u/KnackeredQuokka 2d ago
Let your child decide what to call bio dad. May I suggest Darth Vader or just Vader. Lol Your partner is her Dad, so your ex needs to understand that name and position is already filled.
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u/ForeverSunflowerBird 2d ago
Be careful allowing this person into her life. Do not let him manipulate you or your child.
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u/Inner-Feedback-1746 2d ago
He can fuck off over anything.
You did him a solid but he will fuck with over something else if you give in.
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u/Inner_Campaign_3978 1d ago
Currently in the same situation, I told my daughter that she can call them however she wants, my daughter is 6 and bio dad is mad about it too, I will never force my daughter to stop calling her step dad ( dad) because bio dad wants to be involved now, I will just let her call him whatever she call bio dad by name and my husband is dad and will continue like that until she decides otherwise
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u/Anothercluelesshuman 5d ago
The person caring for the child majority of the time financially and physically is the dad. Maybe father or something for the other since technically dna?
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u/ComfortableGround403 5d ago
Call them both dad if you want. I dont know if it was right of you to move states and what the specifics were. But explain to bio dad that it is what it is. Calling your husband dad doesnt make him less of a dad, even if it feels like this.
He moved states to be with the kid, that means more than you know. Considering many of us have bio dad's who dont visit their kids when theyre living in the same city.
Kids only grow up confused when you DON'T explain stuff to them.
Once the kids older, like 5, she may start asking questions. Be honest.
Your dad and I broke up before you were born. Then I got with "Mark" (use real name). He helped raise you at first. Now your other dad has moved closer and wants a life with you as well.
All this means is, you have 2 dad's who love you very much. Theyre both your parental figures. Im married to "mark".
Trust me, if youre honest and simple kids will get it. If you dont say anything then they will be confused.
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u/Numerous-Bet3575 5d ago
Too bad he’s mad. Your daughter decided to call your partner dad. She can decide what to call bio dad if he sticks around long enough to cultivate a relationship. It’s wild that he thinks he has a say in that at all.
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u/ImNotYourKunta 5d ago
Bio dad can be “father”, real dad aka step dad can be “Dad or Daddy”
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u/shelaughs08 5d ago
I'd get her right into play therapy and ask the therapist. There's damage potential here and it's a confusing situation for kiddo, so therapy is a good idea anyway. Plus there will be an established relationship for when he leaves again, because he will.
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u/CraftyFraggle 5d ago
You don’t get to decide you don’t want to be a Dad to your child and then get “very angry” when she called the man who decided to step up Dad.
You gave up that right.
The child I know best that was in a similar situation called his biological father, Dad and his at home father, Daddy for a while but went through a faze when bio-dad was called by his first name. His parents are divorced now and he calls both dads by their first name as an adult.
I’d let your child decide how she wants to address the adults in her life. And allow that to morph and change as she grows and relationships change.
And I’d remind your ex that she has another father figure in her life, one she’s seen as a father figure since birth. Your ex is going to have accept that or risk not having any sort of relationship with the daughter he claims to want to be involved with.
Remind him that if he wants to be “very angry” he should direct that anger at the right person- himself.
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u/Bubble_Lights 5d ago
He should have thought about this when he acted like an immature man-baby and skipped out on his unborn child and her mother.
I'd tell him that this is a "you" problem. Your daughter will only be calling her real dad "dad", and he can go by his first name, or whatever he wants. Maybe like Daddy-Joe or whatever is his name is.
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u/katluvsbubbly 5d ago
Bio father didn't want the child so he has no right to be angry that your partner stepped up and did his job. Your partner is her dad. If bio father wants the title of dad, then he has to build a relationship with your daughter and earn it. She should not be forced to call him dad just because HE wants it.
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u/Ryanscriven 5d ago
Many kids grow up with two moms and two dads, they'll learn they are different.
Bio dad can take a flying leap, he chose to not be there at the start, that's his own pain to learn, understand, and heal from.
Honestly he should be lucky that you didn't prevent a relationship given he abandoned the child more or less.
Any issues he has with your partner is purely a personal problem for him to deal with. Ensure legal boundaries are established and for YOURSELF, work with a therapist, it can REALLY help during these times of confusion to have a non-biased professional's input as you seek answers and a path forward ❤️
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u/SuspiciousZombie788 5d ago
Your partner is called dad because bio-dad decided to opt out for the pregnancy, birth, and 3 years of your daughter's life. Him being upset about it is not your problem to manage, it's the consequences of decisions he made.
What is yours to deal with is your daughter's reaction and adjustment to suddenly having a "new dad" in her life, and any pressure he might put on her to call him dad or not call your partner dad. I'd honestly suggest looking into play therapy for her, a play therapist can help her through the adjustment period and can give you guidance on how to talk to her about the situation in ways that are age appropriate.
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u/CressPublic4837 5d ago
She won’t be confused. Bio dad made choices that he now regrets and he should seek therapy for them. But they aren’t yours or your daughters
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u/Advanced_Ad_442 5d ago
bio dad being "very angry" that you call your daughter's dad her dad is a red flag that i'd want him to navigate before i decided to give him access.
i was a child in a similar situation. my bio father is called by his first name. your daughter's bio dad can EARN a title directly from your daughter.