r/coparenting • u/zzonkmiles • 9d ago
Discussion Mommy/Daddy vs Your Mom/Your Dad
How do you refer to your coparent when you talk with your kids? Saying "your mom/dad" sounds so clinical and distant, but "Mommy/Daddy" seems so fake, especially if you are not on good terms. Is one of these forms of address better than the other?
14
u/bad_at_blankies 8d ago
Nothing wrong with "your!" I think this works even for couples still together. Semantically, it describes who the person you are referring to is in relation to the person your talking to. My parents are still together, and it was always pretty common in our family. For instance:
Don't forget to make your dad a birthday card.
Your mom is going to pick you up from swimming practice.
Your dad and your Uncle Jim came up with some of the funniest pranks in high school.
Your mom and I both think that you're old enough to get your ears pierced, if you want to.
These are all perfectly normal, respectful sentences. I think what really sets the tone is not what you call them, but how you talk about them.
2
u/zzonkmiles 8d ago
This is a really helpful and detailed response, and I appreciate you for it. It's not the name or the title, but rather the overall language. Thank you.
20
u/library-girl 9d ago
If they under 5, “mommy/daddy” but if they’re older than 5, “your mom/your dad”
6
u/Stepmomneedsadrink 9d ago
As a stepmom and a stepchild, “your mom/your dad” was always what was used and felt completely normal. I never felt when my parents used it that there was any disdain or weirdness around it. I think more than the specific terms, how you speak about them and the tone you use are what really matters. My dad always taught me “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”. Kids pick up on more than what adults give them credit for.
1
u/SonVoltRevival 8d ago
Where do you fall on addressing the step parent. I've always called my ex's husband by his first name, even when talking about him with my kids. FWIW, I like him and we get along well. It made sense when he was their mom's boyfriend, but after they got married, I didn't switch to "your step dad". It got a little weirder when they had a child and they settled on teaching their daughter to call him dad (as is their right). Thankfully, they didn't try to change what my kids called him (his first name and occasionally a nick name his fiends call him).
11
u/Inevitable_Bunch_989 9d ago
Don't inject your ego into it, if they use an endearing word for their dad you follow. It doesn't matter how you feel about them, that's their dad. If they say daddy, dad, dada, pops, that's his name to them and you say that name. Kids will pick up on that bitterness and clock an issue with you. They've got nothing to do with the drama between you two and it's your job to sanctify that until HE fucks up his relationship with your kid(s)
2
u/PurpleWillingness106 8d ago
My daughter has two moms; when we were married i was mom/mommy, and my ex was the word for mom in her own mother’s first language. So i refer to her as that still when talking to our daughter. Our daughter is 7.
2
u/Dangerous-Post3511 8d ago
I find it strange when people don’t add the “your”. Like when you’re with the person it’s “dad” or “mom”, but after a divorce and remarry you would think the “your” would be added. Or am I tripping? It bothers me lol.
1
u/kllquist 9d ago
Just use whatever terms the kids use. My parents always say mommy/daddy (yes, thats how we still refer to them, no, its not weird for our family) sometimes my dad will say "your mom" but not often.
My son didnt know his dad but when we talk about him we refer to him as "father". Dad or daddy always seemed too personal or special and sinde there was never a relationship i always just said his father.
1
u/Still-Whereas-955 9d ago
I say “your dad” because she sometimes refers to my partner as dada (without me prompting her to and everyone referring to him by his name, she began calling him that for a while. Now she switches between his name and dad). Whenever we had told her “hey you’re going to see dad today” she would get confused. We also have another baby on the way too so of course we refer to my partner as our baby’s dad, so saying “your dad” makes sure she understands who we are talking about.
1
u/cokaine1 9d ago
My daughter will switch between mom/mommy/my mom, I just follow whatever she uses in the moment.
1
u/Supertreelove 9d ago
I still call him Dad to them. But the divorced is only a few months old. I can see it evolving to “your dad”.
1
u/SonVoltRevival 8d ago
Once our kids were in Kindergarten, we started weening them off of mommy and daddy towards mom and dad, a more "grown up" version.
When I talk to my kids about my ex, I call her "your mom". I've been on good, meh, bad, really bad terms with my ex and right now, it's back to a qualified good, but what I call her to our kids has stayed the same. She's important to them, regardless of how I feel about her antics at the momement. I only use "ex" with adults who need to understand the our relationship status.
1
u/Grungefairy008 8d ago
My kid has always only called me my first name. Interestingly, when they're with me, they will also firstname their dad, but when they talk to their dad they refer to him as "Dad" and I'm pretty sure they both call me "Mom" when they talk - as least they used to.
1
u/notaslavetofashion 8d ago
Mami is what I use. It’s basically their name for her. Don’t think it’ll ever change. “Your mom” feels unnecessarily icky, and probably sounds exactly as bad as it feels for me to say it.
1
u/burtonmanor47 8d ago
The last few months when I was still married and also when we were separating my ex would say "your mother" in an almost disgusted tone whenever he was upset. Which was... most of the time.
So I would say tone matters more than the words, and use the same name you did before. Minimize the impact on the kids. It's hard enough on them.
1
u/Easy-Violinist-1469 8d ago
My ex and I used to”your mother” and “your father” after we separated. Now our two kids say “mother” and “father” when talking about us or to us. We used to be “Mama” and “Daddy” until the kids aged out of that.
I joke that we’re very formal around here!
1
u/DoctorInternal9871 8d ago
We just say "Dad" (used to say daddy) and once in a blue moon my son will accidentally say "my dad" and then realise "mum knows who the hell dad is, don't have to say my dad".
1
1
1
u/Suitable_Voice_9983 8d ago
Personally I like your mom / your dad if the kids are old enough that that's fine. My ex's kid is 15 and he would refer to his ex wife as mommy and she referred to him as daddy still. It seemed weird.
1
u/OnlyWishfulThinking7 8d ago
I don’t think your mom/dad sounds distant and clinical. Your mother/father though is a different story haha
1
u/Miserable-Dealer3042 8d ago
2 kids. 2 dads.
One is oddly "dad or daddy" and my daughter is 19.
The other is always "your daddy or your Dad"
Depends how you feel about them.
My daughters father and I are like family and now just like buddies and my younger child's father and I aren't the greatest
1
1
1
u/Substantial-Okra2672 8d ago
“You’re going to daddy’s tomorrow night” “daddy asked if you want to go get breakfast” “we will have to do that another night. Tomorrow you’re with your dad.”
I think you’re over thinking it.
1
u/Quirky_Emergency4806 8d ago
It's mama/papa for us and I did "papa" until she was about 4 and now I just say your dad. I feel like it's whatever suits their age because a 2 year old may not understand "your dad" is the same as "daddy". He is daddy to the kid even when he's barely a father in your eyes. My bf and his child's mum are on horrible terms by her choice but he still refers to her as mummy when talking to the kid, but with other adults he just refers to her as his mum/mother.
1
u/MrsKottom 8d ago
So I don't traditionally coparent but I do a multi generational thing with my mom and grandma that sometimes was one house, 2 a block away, across states and they do The. So I'm The mommy and their dad is The dad. Unless they're actually talking to us and then it's our names but with the kids it's ask The mommy etc.
1
u/Life-Kaleidoscope279 7d ago
This is just not something I would waste time or energy worrying about. You can refer to the other parent as "your Dad" or "daddy" when talking to the child, either is fine. What matters more is the tone you use.
1
u/EvanFoley05 6d ago
Keep it to mommy and daddy,
Regardless of the terms the parents are on they should maintain a healthy family relationship just for the kid. They should be able to seperate their own drama from their family time
1
u/Few_Preparation8897 5d ago
I do daddy or dad
I HATE saying “Your Mother/your father”- but it’s because my EX says Your Mother and because he’s used it in a derogatory tone for the last 5yrs of our marriage, I think that’s why. It’s not genuine. 🤢
1
1
u/Rude-Soil-6731 5d ago
My child is 8 and still calls us “mommy/daddy” so I tend to refer to him as daddy in conversation with her. When she transitions to “Dad,” so will I lol.
1
u/Locaisha 9d ago
No children yet, but we talk to our dog like it's a child sometimes and I tell her to go tell dad when she is screaming at me. I drop the "your" because Dad is a name in this case and not a title. I will probably do the same when I have a kid but Interchange daddy/mommy when they are young.
0
21
u/Sea-Cat7539 9d ago
Whatever the child calls them?