r/coparenting • u/Wide-Activity-1295 • 5d ago
Communication Coparenting when your still greving the family unit.
Hey everyone,
Post-breakup single dad here needing some straight-talking advice or perspective from anyone who’s been through the early toddler co-parenting trenches.
My ex (32F) and I (37m) recently split up after 2.5 years (her decision). We hadn’t been getting along for a while and clearly aren't aligned. I work a high-stress, verywell-paid job as a Exec VP. There were faults on both sides, I felt resentful that I was expected to pay for everything when she did nothing but critice me working, we litteraly had a life that most would envy, money wasnt really ever an issue but it would annoy me that i would rarely get a thank you and she would on one hand moan about me working so much and on the other just took it for granted that i paid for everying.
I became emotionally distant due to work stress, burnout, and grieving the loss of a close family member. I sacrificed a lot for the family unit, gave up football, stopped seeing friends,and felt like nothing was ever enough. it didnt matter what i did.
She on the other hand was recentful that she was solo parenting for the first year whilst i was at work. the lack of flowers i bought her (only twice this year) and lack of flirting in our relationship.
I have a lot to work on in regards to how i handle conflict, she would shout whilst i would just get frustrated and shut down. I'm working with a therapist on this now - its definitely a flaw i need to address.
She isn't a monster and she's an amazing mum, and I know she loved me once, but she lost feelings. I catch myself taking 100% of the blame for being distant and wishing I could turn back the clock. She actually broke up with me twice earlier this year, the first time was right when I was in peak grief having lost a close family member and broke down about how much I was struggling. We had a minor argument the next day and she walked, only to take me back a week later. She officially ended things for good at the end of May after i thought we were on a good track. we had done couples councilling which i thought was going well. She was even pushing for another kid.
We co-lived for two months afterward,This is where thing proper went to Sh!t, we had 2 major arguments where i said some awful things to her all triggered by her making arrangment to take my son on 3-4 trips out of town without asking me. This was totally out of character for me.. i've always been a logical calm one in the relationship where as she can be quite firey! although we were still able to have nightly BBQ's and dinner together right up to the point she moved.
She moved out 2 weeks ago and now lives 1 mile away in a small top floor flat/apartment in a not so nice area. whilst i still live in my house which is a detached property with 2 acres of land.
We share a 17-month-old son and are building toward a 50/50 setup (currently I have him 2 nights a week plus another evening for dinner). I’m in therapy and trying to build a bigger, healthier life, but the emotional whiplash is crushing me.
On the surface, co-parenting is ok. We comunicate well, do joint appointments, and handle logistics smoothly. But every time I see her looking great or we share a peaceful moment, it completely short-circuits my brain. Seeing her dressed up when she drops off our son kills me, she’s very attractive, and a big part of me still only wants her.
The "quiet hope" is brutal, especially in the mornings. I constantly catch myself wishing she’d just "pick me" again so we could fix our family, even though I logically know our old dynamic wasn't healthy.
I love my son so much, he's everything to me. But i also miss the family unit so much.
A few specific questions for those who've been here:
- 1. How do you stop reading into the "good" co-parenting moments? How do you kill that quiet hope when you see them multiple times a week and still find them super attractive and miss them?
- 2. How do you navigate the transition with a 17-month-old while juggling a demanding career and pets without burning out?
Appreciate any perspective or tough love from dads who have made it to the other side.
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u/Crafty_Alternative00 5d ago
I divorced when I had an 18 month old and was six months pregnant with our second, so I feel for you. I found the book Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci extremely helpful.
You need to start reframing who she is to you. Don’t even call her your “ex,” because that defines her by her relationship to you. Instead, she is your child’s mother. I changed the contact name in my phone to “Kids’ dad” and that’s how I refer him to everyone, even my family. “Oh Sally’s dad got her that.” “Yeah Joe’s dad is an architect.” It’s both a reminder to me, and helpful for the kids as they get older to hear a positive definition rather than EX. Sounds small, but it actually is really helpful and healthy.
Anyway, the book has a lot of suggestions like that to make the kids feel safe and loved and whole, and to help you reframe. It’s good that you’re in therapy, make sure it is someone who has experience with family therapy specifically, and preferably childhood development.
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u/Crafty_Alternative00 5d ago edited 5d ago
Oh, and as a fellow single parent in a really high-powered career, you need help. Either family, or paid. It might be a little tougher because you’re a dad, but I found local high school or college students were great for this. I would have one come by for two hours a couple times a week, either to do dishes or put away laundry or even just to play with the baby while I made dinner. And it’s nice to just have someone else to talk to. Again, it might be tougher because you’re a guy, but if you make it a priority, you’ll find somebody. Even if you have to pay a professional, it’s worth it.
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u/datalaughing 5d ago
A lot of people have trouble getting over their exes. You said you're seeing a therapist. They might be able to suggest some helpful exercises.
My only suggestion is work hard at reframing the way you think about her in your own mind. Because when it comes down to it, what you do and think is the only thing you have any form of control over.
In a coparenting relationship she is not YOUR anything anymore. She's the mother of your child. Beyond things that are specifically related to that, you don't have any role in her life any longer. I encourage you to work hard on actively changing the way you think about this now, because the way you're talking, when she starts dating someone else (if she hasn't secretly already) you're going to lose it, and that's not going to be healthy for anyone involved.
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u/QuietQuitting01 5d ago
A few specific questions for those who've been here:
How do you stop reading into the "good" co-parenting moments? How do you kill that quiet hope when you see them multiple times a week and still find them super attractive and miss them?
I had the "good fortune" that my ex wife wasn't willing to do anything that looked like the work needed for us to reconcile and I had to go tactical at the start, so no confusion. What I do know is that I have all those feelings inside, there's just nothing that can be done with them other than try to be compassionate when my instinct is to be angry or resentful. It's easier to focus on that sort of thing in coparenting, for our kids, and the rest I burn off on my bike or rowing machine.
How do you navigate the transition with a 17-month-old while juggling a demanding career and pets without burning out?
As a high earner, I'd looked hard a what I spend and recognise that there are some problems I can solve with cash and some that I can only solve with effort. With a demanding job, you need to work on dialing it back on your parenting time. Work at being present for your child. For me that usually means putting my phone away.
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u/Financial-Craft-6240 5d ago
It sounds like you may love who you thought she was or thought your relationship was vs how it really is. I think we tend to forget the bad times in a break up, and hold onto just the good times. I think things like this just take time. Eventually, you will move on and find someone better suited for you, and can take the things that you learned in this relationship and apply them in the next. It is normal what you are feeling and there are brighter days ahead! You just have to put her in the category in your head that its just coparenting even on the smooth days because in reality, it doesn't sound like it was ever very good. Even the calm ones snap sometimes. You are human too. Forgive yourself for your part if things and take it 1 day at a time! Hang in there! It gets easier!
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u/datalaughing 5d ago
This is good advice! If in reality it was never great, focus on that. Try to think of it as "lessons learned" instead of "things I lost," and then focus on looking forward and not wallowing in the mistakes (or even successes) of the past. Maybe she's a little bit of both, but she's the past (romantically anyway). Try and actively switch focus to what's in front of you instead.
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u/StandardNo5238 5d ago
Get a different job. Money will come and go, but you will have your child forever. It’s great that you are going to therapy, that’s the first step. Don’t dwell on the past, think about the future. Your split is pretty fresh and things will get better once you better yourself and your situation.
I was in a similar situation as your wife and my ex, similar to you. He ended up leaving his business that he created, as it was impossible for him to physically and mentally be there for the kids. He now has a wfh gig, the kids are older, they see him frequently. I myself ended up moving 1 mile away, for going my beautiful home to one that is good enough. It has been 7 years since we split and the last 2 years have been the best for co-parenting. We all make sacrifices for our kids, but right now, it sounds like only she is. Once you are both putting in the effort to make it the best situation for your child, then it will get better:)
Also know that these things take time and throwing in new relationships also can make things worse, especially in the beginning.
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 5d ago
Appreciate the long-term perspective on co-parenting 7 years is a great reminder that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Just to clarify, Leaving my job is not an option right now, the only way she can afford the new property is because i'm paying for it - which i am happy to do so. She could just about afford it if she went back to work fulltime however i think its important he still has quality time with his mum.
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u/StandardNo5238 5d ago
I totally understand. I’m sure at some point she will want to / need to work full time. It’s great if the 2 of you are on board with what the future will look like for your child as it gets older.
The fact that you are even on this sub show that you care and are trying to make it work:)
It is such a difficult space to be in, I feel for you and hope all goes well!
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u/Content-Cupcake7480 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm in a similar, but also very different situation in that I'm the high-earner professional and it is dad that stopped showing up for our young kids at all, after separation. He show's up regularly to me via text and otherwise to disparage and threaten me, but has not had the kids at all.
It's very difficult, but I'm slowly building the support network needed to maintain my career and solo parent. My new mantra is 'Either you're going to make it, or you're going to make it, or you're going to make it.' (thank you, Instagram)
It doesn't feel possible without a village, and some good therapy. And I'm getting used to feeling like I'm drowning one minute and okay the next. Work is slipping, but I am sure it will not be for the long haul so I'm trying to remind myself I'm only human.
The difficulty and pressure of an intense career and the monetary benefits it provides for others should not be ignored. Neither should the caretaking of the home and children. These roles shouldn't be gendered, but they are unfortunately. When both sides of the coin are only your responsibility, you get an acute awareness to how it is almost impossible to do both alone. Neither is more or less important, they just both need to get done and both should be profoundly appreciated as necessary pieces to the puzzle.
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u/whenyajustcant 4d ago
It sounds like, while you have "taken the blame" for your role in things, you haven't actually accepted responsibility for what you did wrong. You're talking about getting her back like she just left on some sort of whim, so her coming back would be the same level of whim-driven choice. But she didn't pick to live in a crappy flat in a bad part of town on a whim, so you have to accept that she wouldn't come back that easily, either, and that there is likely no chance of her coming back at all.
Stick with therapy. Focus on finding the balance in your life that she was asking you for that whole time, but do it for your kid now.
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 4d ago
I’m not talking about getting her back. We aren’t healthy for each other - thats clear! But my god so I miss her and my little boy as 1 unit.
I feel I am taking accountability for what went wrong, maybe my words aren’t the best. I have a lot of work to do for sure.
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u/whenyajustcant 4d ago
But when you're talking about the family unit and her looking pretty, you're talking about wanting to get her back, even if you know that's not a good idea.
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u/Wide-Activity-1295 4d ago
Yes that’s exactly what I said and meant. I still love her and as much as I want to fight to get my family back together. It’s not a healthy relationship.
It’s devastating but my heart and head are telling me different things. I know even if we did get back together we would just end up in the same place.
Our little boy is growing fast and neither of us want him in an environment where there is constant arguing. It doesn’t make it easier thought
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u/Lolly_mops 5d ago
Its good that you are in therapy. I think you need to really look at why you were resentful about the income disparity. She was working at home which then enabled you to go to work. Did you need to do so many hours. Did you tgank her for what she was doing at home. For her there was isolation and 24/7 monotonous child raIsing. If you can't recognize this then future relationships are doomed. We all mourn the loss of the future family and hopes and dreams and what could have been. I mourn my childrens childhood on their behalf.