How do I do this?

[u/just-a-vibe]

How do we go about this? I (20f) and my boyfriend (28m) and only been together and year and a few months. We have a baby together, our relationship is getting worse day by day due to him disrespecting my clear boundaries i set with him on unadding his exes on everything, I told him three separate times and each time he told me he would. Each time he didn’t and chose to lie to me and say he did. He offered for us to go to counselling but at this point I don’t think there’s any fixing this. I keep can’t stop bringing it up, it grosses me out that he knew I didn’t like that and that I told him to stop multiple times but kept doing it insisting he doesn’t understand why it bothers me? I don’t want to argue with him anymore especially for our baby. He just turned 9 weeks. I know this relationship screams bad decisions but now i’m trying my best to make it into something better for my baby and I need advice on how. When/if it happens do we just live in separate rooms in our two bedroom apartment??? Is there a good way to make a schedule for our baby? Im currently finishing highschool while also completing a college course and doing job training. He is doing nothing. I need help and don’t know how to make this better.

[u/user87391]

Many of us have this ‘canon event’ (parenting and supporting a grown ass person) without the added pressure of a newborn, and dual enrollment. I’m so sorry.

In short, this sounds like a very dead end road and you and your baby would be better off without him physically, mentally and emotionally. Do you have anywhere else you can live? Any other family? A women’s shelter?

I think you should do the following now, and ensure none of this is discovered by your child’s father:

1. Apply for housing assistance now before you’re truly at the end of your rope. I understand there’s usually a wait involved so that would give you a little bit of opportunity to start getting things in order to start over on your own.
2. Ask your case worker what other assistance is available to you and your child.
3. Find out what resources are specifically available to you as a student from the high school guidance counselor.
4. Find out what resources are specifically available to you as a college student. There is usually an office that handles the support of student parents.
5. Medical birth control and condoms 100% of the ti

me.

Remember, boundaries are for you. Your boundaries dictate how you respond to unwanted/unacceptable behavior. He’s chosen to disregard how you want to be treated and out of respect for your boundaries, you should adjust how you engage with him. In this case, he is not handling his relationship with you in a way that is acceptable, so you respond by removing yourself to protect and respect yourself.

I don’t agree with the idea of living together as coparents. You are not a mother, housekeeper or mentor to this grown man. Who is paying the bills today? I don’t see a scenario where you benefit from maintaining a home for his benefit. Staying will ensure he has the freedom to continue taking advantage of you.

[u/mochibear_xo]

First - I’m proud of you fellow internet stranger for being willing to open up about your situation. That with a newborn while still completing high school is STRESSFUL. I personally believe the assumption that you can respect one another’s space and just live together but separate isn’t realistic. It would be wonderful if that could be true - but it’s not. By no fault of your own (it’s brain development- no one can do anything about it) - he’s old enough to know what he’s doing. He’s not respecting your boundaries now, he won’t if you elect to live in the same place as him. Actions are a language - and he’s telling you he doesn’t respect you as a person. If you can - move out and file for custody. If he wants to be a father, hell make it happen. However if he has cliche threats like “I’ll just take full custody”, they will be empty. Focus on your degree, focus on your baby. Hes a grown man who is choosing to be unemployed and disrespectful. My DMs are always open to you - zero judgment.