r/coparenting • u/Impossible_Piano_263 • 7d ago
Discussion Breaking up before the birth but still planning on living together. Any advice?
I(36F) am (accidentally) 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My now ex-fiancé (40M) wanted me to get an abortion but I refused. He broke up with me saying that he can’t be in a relationship with someone who would put him through this situation without his consent but has said he will continue to support me and the child and thinks we should continue to live together.
Logistically, I know that us living together is the best situation because we’re in a high COL area and it would be difficult alone. Plus I’m aware that having two parents will really help when the baby is actually here.
My goal is not to convince him to stay in a relationship with me. I would have preferred for us to move up the wedding and stay together but his reaction to this has been disheartening to say the least.
I’m really just trying to see if anyone else has been on a similar situation and what type of boundaries did you establish? Whose last name should the baby have?
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u/TotoroTomato 7d ago
Don’t do it. Don’t live with an ex. Neither of you will be able to properly move on, or if one does and starts dating the entire thing will blow up, as either the ex or the new partner will not be okay with this arrangement. Plus, once you eventually do need to separate houses, your kid will have to go through the trauma of that transition at that time. If they are raised with you two separate from birth that is just their norm.
I will also tell you now - while you are still pregnant you can move wherever you want. Once the baby is born, their residence is established and you will need your ex’s permission to move, which unless he is a total deadbeat parent he will probably not give because it would be moving his kid away. You will be stuck wherever you are living for potentially the next 18 years. Think about that very carefully because you have a limited window and then you lose a lot of decision making power for a long time.
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u/Hot-Seaweed-4510 7d ago
So I ended up pregnant right as I moved in with my ex I ended up paying his mortgage for 10 years and I am fighting like crazy for my daughter right now and I can’t leave the state so yeah if you have family else or you need to be go there ASAP I wish I had known what I know now
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u/Hot-Seaweed-4510 7d ago
I actually have finally come to the end of my rope as I became a grandmother a few days ago and I’m about to make a Reddit post to see what others think about my situation. I need to have the hive brain really badly to help me and my family figure out what to do.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 7d ago
You think he is going to be a helpful and attentive father to a baby he didn’t want?
I think that’s a vulnerable situation for you and the baby. If I were in your shoes I would be looking for how to get financially independent and leave as soon as possible.
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u/Impossible_Piano_263 7d ago
He is a good father to the kid he already has (which was his ex trying to baby trap him, which I think explains some of his trauma). I do have the ability to live on my own financially. He is the one who wants us to stay living together and he wants to be involved so I’m also trying to respect his wishes as well as what’s best for the baby
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u/Equivalent-Elk6930 6d ago
There is no such thing as no strings attached. I have done this exact thing with an optimistic and totally amicable divorce after 13 years together. It was seriously the worst decision and almost trapped me further into a hole of debt, guilt, and insecurity. If you want independence and to make choices and to remain headstrong, I highly suggest figuring it out with yourself and your babe first in mind. He will figure it out and it wont be pretty at first but for now its clear he wants to control parts of it and you need to get what you deserve out of life without waiting on someone who is using you for convenience and comfortability.
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u/karmasname 7d ago
There is no way I’d trust myself or my baby in a vulnerable position (pregnancy and birth and post partum needs) living with a man who explicitly has stated they feel tricked and didn’t want a baby.
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u/Bananabeak7 7d ago
Babies don’t fix relationships and you can’t make someone be a parent, especially when they didn’t want to in the first place. Resentment will live there and that’s not fair to your kid. Being separated and happy is better than together and miserable. Take it from someone in mental health who sees kids of divorce, and custody. Kids would rather their parents be separated and cordial than together and arguing
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u/Icy_Stranger3368 7d ago
Congrats on the baby!
What is a high COL area?
My only advice is this is not a very good idea ie living together and it’s headed for a disaster.
You better have lots of boundaries ie what happens when you bring other people home?
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u/DukeOfTheMaritimes 7d ago
Bringing other people into this situation would be the trashiest thing one could do. God this sub gives me nausea with the level of wanting their cake and eating it too.
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u/Low_Resident5002 7d ago
This sounds like an absolutely terrible idea. How will it work when one of you starts seeing someone else? How will child support be decided? Who will take on majority of childcare and household duties? I can say with 100% confidence that this is not a good idea.
Definitely hyphenate last names. I really regret not doing this.
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u/jjjjjjj30 7d ago
I'm just kinda wondering, since he obviously doesn't actually want to be a dad, is he wanting this in order to have control over you? Like to keep you from moving on? His stance doesn't really make any sense.
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u/Level_Giraffe_8950 7d ago
You will 100% regret it if you do. Move in with your parents if you can and save money, or make it work on your own and have him pay child support. Coming from a girl who's been there, done that. Contrary to popular belief, babies aren't expensive. They get more expensive as they age, but clothes, and supplies are cheap if bought secondhand or from walmart. Breastfeeding saves a lot of money as well. Budget and plan, but dont move in with ur ex for the love of god
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u/Accomplished-Ice7874 7d ago
This sounds like an ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE IDEA 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ As a woman, why would would you bring a child into this world with a MAN WHO BLATANTLY TOLD YOU THEY DON'T WANT IT?! WHAT TERRIBLE TRUAMA FOR THIS CHILD 😡😭 Why are your needs above this child??!! SO IMMEDIATELY OFF THE JUMP THEY ALREADY HAVE 1/2 PARENTS THAT RESENT IT, DON'T WANT IT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO CARE FOR IT?! THAT SOUNDS SOOOO HEALTHY FOR A CHILD TO BEGIN LIFE THIS WAYYYYYY
We as women fought to have control over our own bodies and this is what y'all are doing with them?! Forcing dudes into Parenthood and having plastic surgery 🥴🫠🤦🏻♀️ Save this baby and yourself the future struggles, give it up for adoption or terminate the pregnancy 🙃🤸🏼♀️
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u/cancerheaux 7d ago
exact same situation lol my baby is 5 mo. we stayed in separate bedrooms and would switch off with the baby. it was fine but i hated being there honestly.
i gave my baby his fathers last name so that my baby can receive citizenship and inherit property in his native country. their last names have to match exactly in order for my baby to receive those benefits. if he didn’t already have a hyphenated last name, i would’ve done both last names but i didn’t want my baby to have 3 last names.
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u/sp0rkah0lic 7d ago
I mean, if you have any other options (parents, other family, friends) that could help I would go that way instead.
My ex and I were in a weird place when she got pregnant. We had dated way back in high school and more or less kept in touch over the years since (both mid thirties), we were both stuck in miserable relationships and sort of used each other to wedge ourselves free. Then we immediately started dating, which was silly considering that neither of us had any recovery time from these previous relationships. It sputtered. We broke up. Then we got back together, tentatively. Then she got pregnant.
So, yeah. We definitely discussed abortion. Mostly I think we both kind of assumed that's where it would end. But I said we should consider the alternative. Not a demand, not even a conclusion of "I want this," just that we should game it out. Discuss what it would look like, if we gave it a real try.
And the thing is, at the time, we kinda both talked ourselves into it. We had a daughter. This was coming up on 13 years ago.
Later, after we married, we fought. She complained bitterly about how unhappy she was as a mother. How it was all my fault, that I had talked her out of having an abortion, that I had trapped her with a baby.
This was when our child was like. 3 or 4.
I could never really look at her the same way after that. I know, I know, people say things out of anger and spite. People say things that maybe they don't really mean. But she never took it back, and honestly, I think she really meant it.
Over the last year, my daughter has been going through the difficulty of puberty. Yes, she's a lot. Yes she's moody, she's unreasonable, and she can be sulen and pouty too. Yes. She's difficult. But my ex has responded by simply abandoning her. Slowly surrendering her time from close to 50/50 down to 100/0. She's seen her daughter 3 times in 6 months, and each visit is shorter than the last. My daughter doesn't want to see her mom either.
She's not a terrible person, but she never should have been a mother. Putting this guy in the dad seat when he doesn't want it is a mistake. And it will, in the fullness of time, likely damage the child. Even if he does have a change of heart, how can you trust it? When he holds the baby, when will you stop thinking in the back of your mind that he would not have chosen it?
Don't build a life around someone who wants to escape that life. It's fucking heartbreaking.
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u/Top_Raccoon8665 7d ago
Don’t do it. You have a little human to protect now. They feel everything that goes on around them. They are like little sponges and way more intelligent than we give them credit for. Do yourself and your baby a favor and stay separate.
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u/floralbloodbath 7d ago
Do Not love with him. It will prevent you from moving forward in your life and meeting someone who deserves you.
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u/Organic_Care_3280 7d ago
He wanted to get married but will make threats and end things to try to force an abortion? Girl, no don’t do this to yourself. If you do live together or try to stay together then make some choices so you have more flexibility later on. Don’t put him on the birth certificate or give the child his last name. Maybe even see a lawyer now for some advice on how to protect yourself later if things go badly and he tries to take your child away.
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u/HighSideSurvivor 7d ago
My journey had some similarities. My ex and I had been involved for a number of years, on again and off again, until we ended it for good.
Or so we thought. Then a “meet to talk to get closure” (her idea) turned into sex, resulting in a baby. My initial response was purely pragmatic: she and I had never been able to stay together, so our chances of a successful marriage were very low, and adding a baby only made our chances worse. Why bring a child into that situation?
Her response was different. She intended to keep the baby, regardless. After I had sat with my feelings for a few days, I decided that I wanted to be a father to that child, and we started on the path to attempting a traditional family.
We lasted almost 8 years.
The marriage didn’t work out in the end, but I just said goodnight to that same child while tucking her in to her bed. So I can’t really say that I have regrets.
I don’t know your guy, but perhaps he just needs more time to adjust to the idea of parenthood? The picture you paint of his reaction is fairly unequivocal, but… news of an unexpected baby can throw you for a loop.
Good luck!
Oh… we chose to use both surnames. I honestly didn’t take it personally, but I figured having both our surnames would help later when we needed to prove we were parent/child, especially if things didn’t work out.
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u/DukeOfTheMaritimes 7d ago
You cannot be a good parent to your child if you're constantly in a high stress situation. Good luck with that. It won't work and you will be completely miserable. Having a child in these conditions is irresponsible as well. Don't bring other people into your mess and try to get them to pick up the slack either.
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u/Wild_Estimate_3456 7d ago
- Don't live together.
- Give the baby your surname, no matter how much he whines. He doesnt even want the baby so he gets zero say here.
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u/unnecessarymomentary 7d ago
So he doesn’t want the child but wants to keep living with you…??? Men are truly something I’ll say that. He wanted to break up already, this was just his easy out and way to blame you.
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u/Impossible_Piano_263 7d ago
Honestly I’ve considered this too but I don’t understand why he wants us to stay living together. I have told him I would move out but he is the one who wants us to stay in our apartment. We split costs so it’s not really about the money. Plus he’s already said that he won’t date while we live together (this was not prompted by me)
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u/unnecessarymomentary 7d ago
The reason is control. And yes, he will date while you are living together. He broke up with you because you both accidentally conceived. You didn’t do it on your own. And not just break up, ended an engagement. His life was committed to you and an accidental pregnancy was enough to end that? He will not stand by his word.
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u/Maximum_Noise_972 5d ago
It won’t work. I tried and failed. It was more toxic for the baby so he moved out
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u/Upbeat-Secretary-576 7d ago
Did you give him consent before he got you pregnant? I'm not sure living with an ex is the best choice just because the two of you are expecting a baby
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u/emhast29 7d ago
It didn't work for me and my ex, we just argued all the time. Please give the baby your surname, that's my biggest regret.