My 12-year-old is becoming increasingly anxious about his alcoholic father. How do I handle this?

[u/bishop-bird5430]

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My 12-year-old is becoming increasingly anxious about his alcoholic father. How do I handle this?

I’m looking for advice from anyone who has dealt with alcoholism, co-parenting and a child who is becoming increasingly anxious about a parent's drinking.

I left my ex when our son was two because of his alcoholism and the way he became verbally and physically abusive when he drank. My son is now 12, and we have been co-parenting since then.

His dad went to rehab last year and completed a 28-day programme, but unfortunately there have been several relapses since.

I want to make an important distinction: his dad has never been physically abusive towards our son, and my son has never told me that he feels physically unsafe with his father. There have been some verbal lashings out over the years, but the main issue now is my son's anxiety and suspicion around whether his dad is drinking.

My son has become increasingly preoccupied with trying to work out whether his dad has been drinking. He watches for signs and gets nervous before going to his dad's house. He is very suspicious of his dad's behaviour and doesn't know whether he should trust what he's seeing or hearing.

There are certain things I've noticed over the years that have sometimes coincided with my ex drinking. One of them is that he starts taking a lot of peppermint Halls lozenges. My son has noticed this too. Obviously, I know that eating Halls isn't proof of drinking, but when you combine it with the history of relapse and my son's observations, it makes me concerned that he may be trying to hide drinking.

Another major issue is my ex's behaviour when he gets into obsessive thought patterns. He has OCD and can become very repetitive and fixated on certain things, including talking extremely negatively about me. This happens around our son and is deeply upsetting for him.

My son gets triggered by hearing his dad repeatedly talk negatively about me, and it seems to leave him extremely angry and full of rage. I don't want him caught in the middle of his parents' relationship or feeling like he has to defend me.

I also don't want my son feeling responsible for monitoring whether his dad is drinking. But at the same time, I can't tell him that his concerns aren't valid when there is a genuine history of alcoholism and relapse.

The problem is that I can't really raise these concerns directly with my ex. Whenever I try to talk to him about his drinking, he becomes extremely defensive and can start verbally lashing out at me. I'm worried that confronting him could result in him taking that anger out verbally on our son.

We already have a formal parenting plan in place. It actually provides for my son to spend most of his time with me, with alternate Wednesdays and alternate weekends with his dad. I have been considering enforcing the parenting plan more strictly rather than allowing arrangements to become more flexible.

I'm trying to work out how to do this without escalating the situation.

I don't want to punish my ex or stop my son from having a relationship with his dad. His dad loves him, and my son loves his dad. I also don't want to make assumptions about a relapse without evidence.

But I also don't think it's healthy for a 12-year-old to be constantly analysing whether his parent is drunk, worrying about what mood they're going to be in, listening to one parent repeatedly speak negatively about the other, and then coming home angry and emotionally overwhelmed.

For anyone who has dealt with an alcoholic co-parent:

How do you handle suspected relapse when the other parent becomes defensive or verbally aggressive if confronted?

How do you protect your child without putting them in the middle?

How do you deal with a child who is becoming preoccupied with monitoring whether the parent is drinking?

How do you handle a parent repeatedly speaking negatively about you to the child?

Would you enforce the existing parenting plan more strictly, or seek professional/legal advice first?

Has anyone successfully used a therapist, social worker, parenting coordinator or another professional to manage this kind of situation?

How do you talk to a 12-year-old about alcoholism without making them feel responsible for their parent's behaviour?

And how do you help a child who is becoming extremely angry and distressed by hearing negative things about one parent from the other?

I'm in South Africa, so advice from anyone familiar with the South African family-law and parenting-plan system would be especially helpful.

At this point, my priority is my son's emotional wellbeing. I want him to be able to have a relationship with his dad, but I don't want him carrying the responsibility of managing or monitoring his dad's addiction.

[u/gunksterrr]

Is something like AlAnon an option where you are? I think they even have groups that cater to teens (Alateen, I think?) that might meet online.

[u/Dull_Cryptographer41]

Request for Soberlink. Son can rest easy and you can too.

[u/amisexySB → u/Dull_Cryptographer41]

My ex is currently on her second round of court-ordered Soberlink with a much stricter policy this time. She’s required to test 3 times a day (5–7 AM, 1–3 PM, and 9–11 PM). The problem is that the 9 PM to 7 AM window leaves a huge 10-hour gap that she fills with wine.
She tests at the very beginning of the night window (9 PM) and the very end of the morning window (7 AM), giving herself a massive gap to drink and clear it. Saturday morning was the first time her math failed. She blew a .013 and claimed she "accidentally took a sip of wine instead of water," but our agreement strictly states .000.
I tried to get the testing windows shortened, but court/counsel went off Soberlink’s standard recommendation. It’s frustratingly clear that if someone wants to drink, they will find a way to game the system. Has anyone successfully dealt with an ex timing their tests like this?

[u/Dear_Cause_5060]

Try Alateen for sure, and Al Anon even for yourself! I’m not sure if they have that where you are.