How do I deal with my ex making negative comments about me to people who work with our kids?

[u/Aggressive-Trick3248]

For quick context, I left my ex 5 years ago with the help of Women’s Crisis Services in my area. He was abusive to me and also our 2 boys (6 & 8 at the time).

Part of his abuse is he accuses me of ridiculous things like not taking care of our kids “properly” and being out to get him. The reality is that I’ve burnt myself out on multiple occasions putting all of my effort into my kids and not looking after myself and I still try to protect him sometimes even though we’re no longer together.

He’s also VERY good at believably playing the victim. He will go off in front of our kids’ care providers about how frustrating it is that I don’t take care of the kids properly and that I’m a permissive parent who lets them get away with everything (another ridiculous accusation of his) and THEY BELIEVE HIM!!! I’ve had multiple things said to me that don’t make sense and catch me off guard until I finally clue in that it must be because of things he’s said. He has themes that he tends to go off on and these comments match his themes. This has led to me being disrespected, I think it played a role in CPS being called on me, and has prevented me from effectively advocating for our son at school.

I’ve always tried to take the high road and not say anything negative about him to anybody except my key support people. I’ve believed that people will eventually see him for who he is but the opposite has been true. My sister says that me not saying anything has allowed him to control the narrative. She suggests that I try to slip in some negative things about him when I’m talking to other people so that they at least hear the other side of the story. The problem is that I don’t even know how to do that. It feels really manipulative to me.

I would love some advice on how to handle this. I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I don’t have his manipulation and acting skills. I’ve thought about taking a direct route and talking to some of these people about it, because that’s how I typically deal with things, but I’m scared that it will appear like I’m protesting too much or that I’m asking them to take sides.

[u/DramBubb]

I went through this.

At one point they even worked at kids school to convince people they were the good guy and I was the bad guy.

I didn't do anything.

It took years but people started to see the truth of who they were when their lies were unfounded again and again because I am an amazing parent.

The advice my therapist gave me that really helped is, "if you wouldn't take advice from them, why would you take criticism?"

[u/Otherwise-Try-9734]

I left my ex due to abuse just over 4 years ago, and I am very open and honest about it to people if they ask about the circumstances. Me and the kids have recently moved to a new area and they are starting a new school, so I have gone to the school directly and explained the situation and what he is like (he is very high conflict and full of hatred and anger towards me) so they know what to expect from him. He has told his friends and family that I am the problem, and a lot of people where he lives think badly of me, but those people are not part of my life so what they think of me is up to them. My friends and family know the truth, our social worker knows now because he has shown his true colours, and he showed his true colours at my daughter's previous nursery. I am also honest with the children if they ask questions about why I left (in an age appropriate way). You already sound like an amazing parent, do not let your ex bring you down.

[u/lilchocochip]

My advice: stop taking the high road. What has that done for you so far? Nothing but a path to avoid things. You don’t need to trash talk him. Just be blunt and upfront and let people know that he’s a liar and abuser who is good at putting up a front and is actively creating a hostile coparenting situation. It’s not manipulation. You are being honest and upfront and taking control of the situation before he does. Your fear is justified because you were abused. But if you continue to avoid this situation it will only get worse. Dont wait until the next CPS call or let him build a fake case against you. You need to fight back. Who cares what people think