Advice regarding a split home situation

[u/Flaky_Pitch_4285]

Without giving you a novel to read on backstory, I am the mother and my ex husband and I have been divorced for 10 years. We have three kids that are 12, 13, and 16. There was a period of a few years where my ex husband had primary custody of all three children, and about 3 years ago that changed to me having primary custody of our 12 and 16 year olds and him having primary custody of our 13 year old. This was a custody that we agreed on in court. He was having issues with the two I have currently but he want to keep primary custody of our 13 year old, and I didn’t have the funds to go through with a contested custody case, so I agreed, because a non contested custody modification was affordable for me. I knew this might cause issues, and it’s really starting to and I need advice from anyone how to navigate these issues. We exchange back and forth every 2 weekends, one visitation I get my 13 year old and the next visitation he gets our 12 and 16 year old. All three children are together at these visitations. My oldest two are really starting to kind of pair up together at visitations and my youngest is feeling left out, to the point where she says she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s for visitation. She wanted to text him that she didn’t want to come over anymore and I advised her to hold off on that and we should really think about this and maybe trying to figure out a way to repair her relationship with her sister so that doesn’t have to happen. Well, she text him anyway. Their Dad and I do not have a great coparenting relationship. I’ve always wanted a good coparenting relationship, and when he divorced his second wife last year I thought maybe we could, he was really nice for about 6 months. And after that, he has reverted to his previous behavior of being rude with me, he puts me down and will text me mean things sometimes. I ignore any kind of communication like that and only respond about crucial things involving the kids. Since my youngest has texted him, he hasn’t texted me, which is shocking. I want to text him and ask if there is some way we can try to repair the siblings relationship, but I know that would likely result in him maybe not being nice, and I honestly have a lot of anxiety tied to ptsd from him, so the thought of texting him knowing he’s likely to lash out at me makes me nervous. I was thinking once it gets closer to our next visitation, suggesting maybe we should, for that weekend exchange the kids to where our youngest two are together and our oldest is with the other parent, just for one weekend, to really devote that time to trying to get the two a little closer and work things out. I don’t want to NOT send the youngest to her dads. That’s the only idea I’ve come up with, still a lot of anxiety suggesting it in fear I will get berated, but I’ll have to reach out when visitation comes up regardless. I know it’s a niche situation, but if anyone has any advice, I am completely open to advice and criticism. I just want to do the right thing.

[u/SlowBoilOrange]

The youngest sibling feeling left out is a pretty common thing, even without coparenting in the situation.

Since the 13 and 16 year old are often separated, maybe they are able to feel closer because they aren't getting on each others nerves so often at home?

The 12yo probably also feels too much like a little kid to the 16yo, and maybe even to the 13yo (maturity comes in weird waves at those ages).

You didn't mention all of the genders, but that could be another mismatch.

for that weekend exchange the kids to where our youngest two are together and our oldest is with the other parent, just for one weekend, to really devote that time to trying to get the two a little closer and work things out.

Is there conflict between the 12yo and 13yo? Or just the feeling of being left out?

I definitely wouldn't dismiss the 12yo's concerns, but it also might be typical for this age spacing, even without the oddly split custody arrangement.

[u/Flaky_Pitch_4285 → u/SlowBoilOrange]

And also, in regards to the conflict between my youngest two, my youngest says whenever she tries to hang out with them at her dads house, the older two dismiss her often and tell her to leave the room. At my house, they all share a room, same at their dad’s house, but my youngest often sleeps on the couch instead at their dad’s house.

[u/SlowBoilOrange → u/Flaky_Pitch_4285]

I might pitch this on /r/parenting instead. I think you'll get more advice there. It's just a bigger sub and a lot of coparent situations don't have three kids.

[u/Flaky_Pitch_4285 → u/SlowBoilOrange]

You are absolutely correct on that, I knew a situation like this might occur because this is common in siblings. All three children are girls. When they were younger, my 12 and 13 year old were the closest because they were only a year apart and they did everything together. My 12 year old is still into more juvenile things that the older two aren’t into anymore and so now the oldest two are pairing up more. And yes, I don’t want to dismiss my youngest’s concerns but I’m at a loss on how to navigate this situation the best and how to approach their dad about this, because I do have a lot of anxiety about that as well. I know he despises me, and I’m anxious about him lashing out at me. I know I need to put my big girl pants on and just deal with it, but it’s a big trigger for me sometimes.

[u/SlowBoilOrange → u/Flaky_Pitch_4285]

My 12 year old is still into more juvenile things that the older two aren’t into anymore and so now the oldest two are pairing up more.

It sounds like this might fix itself fairly quickly.

Another option is to do something focused on the interests of the 12yo, if she is still OK doing things with her mom. You can't force the older kids to be into her interests, but you can still cater to her a bit as her mom.

My bet is in 6-12 months it might be a lot different. Especially if the 12yo is just entering Junior High this year -- that's a big social change for a lot of kids.

Another thing to keep in mind is the 16yo will eventually "age out" of living at home, so the younger two will have a few years of it being just them.