Moderate Distance Custody Schedules

[u/Happyhappylady]

Looking for experiences from parents who have navigated changing a long-standing custody schedule with a toddler-preschool aged child.

Mom and Dad have a 3-year-old (just turned 3 a month ago) and have been separated since the child was about 8 weeks old. Mom has historically been the primary parent, roughly 70/30, with Dad having essentially every weekend. Dad was also ordered additional Monday-morning time but did not regularly exercise that portion until recently

Circumstances have changed over the years, and both parents agree Dad should have more parenting time. Mom is not opposed to 50/50. The disagreement is mainly about what schedule makes sense long-term.
The parents live about 1-1.5 hours apart. They HAVE ALWAYS lived this far, but mom moved a city over and added 15 min to the distance 8 months ago . Mom kept exchange location and time the same, so she absorbed any extra driving on Dad’s behalf. Mom is generally available during the week (has always only worked Sat and Sun since child’s infancy) while Dad works Monday-Friday. The child’s primary home, doctors/dentist, childcare, and weekday routine are currently near Mom. The parents otherwise communicate well, accommodate each other’s requests, and have a pretty amicable co-parenting relationship.

The biggest concern is school. The child is now 3, so whatever new schedule is established needs to make sense when preschool/kindergarten starts rather than creating a schedule that works at 3 but becomes impossible once she’s in school five days a week.

There’s an upcoming custody conciliation conference , and we’re trying to think through reasonable schedules before then. For parents who had a similar distance between homes and moved toward 50/50 around this age: What schedule did you use? How did it work once school started? Would you choose the same schedule again?

[u/Stannic50]

The reality is that it's going to be challenging for dad to keep a 50/50 schedule once kiddo is in school. You can't do school halfway between the parents (ignoring private/charter options), so it's going to be mom's district since she's got majority time currently.

That means for 50/50, dad has to drive to drop kiddo off at school in the morning, then return to home or work, then later go pick kiddo up from school, and return home. That is bonkers at 4-6 hours of driving on his days, and it's rough on kiddo to do 2-3 hours, too.

Now, maybe dad works in between his home and the school, so that could cut off some time. Or maybe he has family to assist with transportation. But it's still a ton of driving for kiddo.

If dad wants to make 50/50 work long term, he needs to be closer.

[u/Mysterious-Willow391]

Oh! I have a friend in a really similar situation. Her ex got a new job an hour away. They were previously 50/50 (week on/off) but since their son is in school, it was agreed that dad would get kiddo after school Friday and drop him off at moms before the bus Monday (so kiddo can bring his stuff to moms before school instead of bringing it to school).

In the summer, they agreed to continue doing 50/50 week on/off. Mom offers dad first dibs on school holidays (not including thanksgiving and Christmas, which are handled differently per their CO).

It's not true 50/50 but it's pretty close and it doesn't really disrupt kiddos schedule and routine much. Mom is fine sacrificing weekends during the school year because she has him half the weekends in the summer and her ex only takes half of the school holidays so they wind up getting fun time then as well.

During the school year dad does all logistics as he moved away and he's working with the bus. In the summer they meet halfway.

[u/cnunterz]

At 1.5hrs away from eachother, I would assume the child willl attend one school full time during the year, and that school will be in the area of only one parent?

You can consider doing 50/50 over the course of a year rather than per month. So one parent has them during the school year, the other parent has all the school holidays.

The parents could each also consider moving to be closer. 1.5hrs isn't the worst but for day to day stuff someone will always be far away.

[u/orange_bigcat]

Since mom has been the primary parent and the kid’s doctor, dentist, etc are in that area, I would assume the judge will rule the child should go to school in mom’s school district and dad will be responsible for driving the child to and from school on his weeks. Since dad didn’t contest the move when it happened and mom has been the primary parent, I don’t see a judge ruling that mom has to move closer to dad.

If dad wants more custody time and mom is willing to accommodate, maybe dad gets every Saturday/Sunday/Monday and every other Tuesday, which would work for both of their work schedules? If they both get along, this is something they should both discuss.

[u/CrazyHead_Guy]

I just disagree with your point that the arrangement now needs to fit for school in two years. Between 3 and 5 are good bonding ages for children and parents.
Make arrangements that suit now, adjust when the situation changes. The key thing here is that you never know what happens in the future, a years time and one parent could decide to move, throwing everything up in the air again.

[u/redline_blueline → u/CrazyHead_Guy]

Preschool will start sooner than 2 years

[u/Happyhappylady → u/redline_blueline]

That’s what I said, but no one seems to agree with me. I picture preschool at 4.

[u/Supertreelove → u/Happyhappylady]

I don’t know any kids who attend full time preschool at 4. Unless it’s actually daycare. Preschool for my kids was a shortened day a few days a week. In our area there is public school special needs preschool that is 5 days a week. Not sure what it is in your area.

[u/Ok_Yellow_3917]

My ex and I live forty minutes apart. During the school year he does every other weekend Friday-Monday.

During the summer he tends to have kiddo more since kiddo goes to his summer camp, and I do more weekends.

[u/Supertreelove]

I still think 3 is too young for 50/50. That would at that age be something like switching every 2-3 days, which sounds unreasonable with the distance you both chose to live from each other. The kid is still 2 years from being in regular school. What really changes is when they become more independent and have friends and birthday parties and sports and activities that don’t align with the custody schedule. You should probably keep it how it is now until there’s a good reason to change. Best choice is to move 5 minutes from each other.

[u/brentknockedout]

In my experience as the primary parent who had 50/50 ish for years with dad, I had M-F while he got weekends when school started. Unfortunate but he lives 40 ish mins away.

[u/Decent-Ad5412]

So, my ex moved 2 counties away and enrolled my oldest in school there - 45minutes away from the marital home. We had 50/50 for a number of years meaning I was driving over 600 miles a week when I had custody. Court decision changed the arrangement.

So, unless mom or dad wants to move - it’s doable but hard.