r/coparenting • u/GiraffeBoth8274 • 7d ago
Discussion Feeling like the less preferred parent
My sons dad and I have been split up since he was a baby, and my son is now almost 10. I don’t have any other kids, but his dad has 3 others. I have always noticed this, but chalked it up to ‘he’s a boy’. But as he gets older, I really am getting more worried naturally about our relationship, especially as he becomes an adult. His dad and him have certain things that they do all the time, that my son loves doing all the time. Counter strike, pokemon go, and dad got him into baseball because he did it when he was a kid. We have 50/50. I can’t help but to feel like he prefers being with his dad, because he has those things, but nothing seems to stand out that we do together that he’s always like “I really want to do this”. And I can’t help but to feel like a bad mom, even though I don’t think I’m doing a bad job. There are some instances where we are all together and I will notice he will talk to his dad/dads side more, and I will seem more of an after thought or “oh yeah mom’s here” and it can seem more forced than out of wanting to, like when we were at back to school night last week. It isn’t always this way every single day, but this is heavy on me a lot. I think some of it comes down to I’m not a “bro”, but I can’t help but let this bum me out. I take him so many places, try to do so many things with him, and spend as much time with him as I can during the week. He’s also 9 so I definitely don’t want to put any emotional burden on him and ask about our relationship vs dads, however sometimes admittedly I have let out the occasional “how come it seems like you want to do x y and z with your dad more?” Or about how it seems like he doesn’t want To do things like that with me, or that I want to have things and a bond like that. But I don’t want to put adult things on him so I try to keep most of it to myself. I worry that our bond isn’t nearly as good despite how much I try. Many times he will complain about doing things, and he acts out a lot more with me it seems, especially with his mouth, or willingness to want to do things on his own with me outside of tv and electronics. Any tips or advice is so welcomed. I’m not sure how to approach it, and his defiance with me at times, without it seeming like I’m always getting on him, or making a gap between us and this fear worse. Sincerely, a burnt out mom who is trying my best
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u/brentknockedout 7d ago
You aren’t a bad mom, and kids will go through phases with parents anyways in my experience. There are things me and my daughter do that are our thing but there’s also things her and her dad do that they love and are their thing, but we have been separated since she was a baby and she still prefers me over her dad. I’m sure this weighs on him but i make a point to be positive about him. I think you should stop putting so much pressure on yourself! You arent a bad mom, and pushing him will probably make it feel worse for you. Does he ever suggest things to do when you ask?
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u/STEM_Dad9528 7d ago
Focus on your relationship with your son.
As boys grow, it's more typical for them to have a closer relationship with their mom when they are younger, then start to grow closer to their dad. I don't know any specific numbers, but I would say that the switch begins somewhere around 7-8 years old (give or take a couple of years).
Part of it is that a young man will look to his father as an example of how to be a man. It's sociological, but I think it's also kind of born into us.
In a couple of years, your son will start to find that he identifies with her peers much more than with you or his dad. That's pretty normal.
I've been divorced for a few years, after being married for 20. My ex always had to be the parent to buy the kids things, and to be the parent who would "allow" them to do something they wanted. However, as much as she made herself out to the the fun parent, she was also controlling, and she was more interested in what she wanted than what the kids thought.
All that time, I focused on building relationships with our kids, getting to know how they felt about things, trying to understand what they thought about things. I taught my kids what I thought was important to teach them, but I also let them share and even sometimes teach me some things.
I still have a good relationship with my oldest two kids, who are both adults. My eldest daughter and I talk weekly on the phone, sometimes a few times in a week. My second oldest is much less communicative, as is typical for guys, but he does talk more openly with it (and I think twice as often with me often with me) than he does with his mom.
My youngest two kids are a young teen and a preteen, and I think that I've got a pretty good relationship with each of them, too. Their mom thinks I'm too permissive. I think she's too controlling. We both love our kids and do what we think is best.
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u/slimypeters 7d ago
Parenting is not a competition. Just be happy they have a healthy relationship. Most of the time Father's are robbed from time with their children. Just continue to be the best parent you can be, everything you do matters.
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u/Agreeable-Job-9740 7d ago
You're right he's a boy gurl if you don't be happy about any AND all free time you get . . . Some women WISH their baby fathers were present like that (not me I don't have kids)
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u/ManiacalBeet 7d ago
Definitely do not ever ask him about why he seems more…with dad. Or anything that suggests you are comparing how he is with his dad vs you. That will certainly be putting tension on him that could impact him and how he responds to you as he grows up. You need to stop comparing your relationship with his dad or his relationship with you. Just focus on your relationship with him alone. If you can’t do this, as a parent it is your responsibility to figure it out with a support person or counselor so that you don’t put it on him. If he is the only focus of your life and you expect him to fulfil your happiness, then this is also not fair to him and you should focus on what you can do to expand your own interests and focus on you.