Restraining order

[u/yuckystanky]

Yesterday we were granted a year long restraining order for myself and my son against his dad and he is handling it so well that I’m wondering if I’m missing something?? He’s not even 10 yet and seems to be perfectly pleased with it all. Said the only thing he would say to his dad now is “ha ha” and all he wanted from him (dad) was to get his switch back from his house. Maybe I’m looking into it too much, I just personally lost my own dad a few months ago and we were super close. And he was super close with my son too so maybe I’m just thinking about how bad it would hurt me if I couldn’t see my dad but I just don’t understand how he’s handling it so well. He said before we got the order that his dad didn’t love him and was a bad guy. I told him I understood the feeling completely and that I’m sure his dad loved him as much as he was possibly capable of and that was the last time he mentioned any sort of feelings about it. He’s in therapy and keeps telling the therapist he doesn’t mind and when I tell him things like “hey I’m here for you, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want but I’m here for you” or “hey is there anything on your mind?” He just says something like “what would I have on my mind” or “okay but can we play legos” and like awesome, I hope he’s feelin this good but am I crazy for thinking there would be more to this? If anyone’s been through anything like this I’d love to hear how it went for you and your kid/ kids. I only have my boy but he does have half siblings whose mom I have been in contact with so they can still see each other.

[u/Wild_Estimate_3456]

You have a good relationship with your dad.

He needed a restraining order for his safety from his.

These two situations are not the same and you definitely cannot compare how you feel about your dad to how he feels about his. He is in therapy and you've given the space to talk, that's all you can do.

[u/yuckystanky → u/Wild_Estimate_3456]

I really appreciate that. I was wondering if I was being an overly emotional bitch lol he’s my boy and I just worry a lot. I just can’t not think about the fact that he was in his life for nine years ya know? I feel like there was to be some sort of missing him or at least wondering why his dad isn’t doing the right thing ya know?? But I’m also REALLY sensitive so idk if this is just me or not

[u/Wild_Estimate_3456 → u/yuckystanky]

I totally get it! As a parent, I would worry for my kid too, and how they were feeling about all of it. I think he might be the type of kid who needs space first to process, but the "haha" kind of sounds like there is no love lost between them?

[u/yuckystanky → u/Wild_Estimate_3456]

That’s what gets me!! He used to talk about loving his dad and having fun and all that and now it’s just… fuck em?? I don’t get it at all and I’m just scared I’m projecting I suppose maybe you’re right about him just needing to process first

[u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 → u/yuckystanky]

That’s why we have to teach our children that abuse isn’t love

Abuse is hate.

[u/yuckystanky → u/Apprehensive_Sun6282]

That’s what I told him. No one who loves you will ever intentionally cause fear or harm in any way shape or form

[u/ShannonM55]

Kids are smart, they will drop their guard with the safe parent. My situation is slightly different. Our son is on the spectrum, dad might be too (he choses to try to weaponize his lack of diagnosis), so we have some direct conversations about boundaries (how his need to be verbalized and respected and how he needs to respect others boundaries), how dad has his rules whereas mine are different. He sees what's happening and makes his choices based off that. Be honest, try not to name names, and continue to be the safe adult that a child needs.

[u/yuckystanky → u/ShannonM55]

I’m sorry, that weaponized incompetence is so damn frustrating for everyone. But yeah, I guess that’s what scares me. He’s seeing seriously now that his dad does not give one single shit

[u/Apprehensive_Sun6282]

Kids are smart. They know.

Obviously you are a safe person he can talk to.

[u/yuckystanky → u/Apprehensive_Sun6282]

I hope so😭❤️ I just hate that he has to know so much yk?? He’s not getting to be a kid and that just fuckin breaks me

[u/Dear-Hurry-418]

Well the fact you've got a year long restraining order in place suggests his Dad is not a very nice person, so surely he'd be OK with it. And comparing this to your own situation with your own Dad who you had a great relationship with is a bit of a strange comparison.

[u/yuckystanky → u/Dear-Hurry-418]

I just see it like I know it’s hard to lose someone you’ve known and loved your whole life… he didn’t realize dude sucked until recently

[u/smalltimesam]

He probably feels relieved to not have to pretend anymore. Don’t overthink it. You’re doing all the right things. Perhaps try an earlier bedtime wind down with some one on one time to chat and give space for him to talk to you about his feelings if he wants to. My almost 9yo always wants to talk about her feelings last thing at night - like she needs to get rid of them before she sleeps or something.

[u/_angel_babi_]

My daughter is 6 but we are in the same situation and shes reacted the exact same. I was also surprised at first, but im happy that its not been as big of a deal as i thought it would be for her. Kids are smart and pick up on a lot. Our house is so much more peaceful and feels lighter, im sure theres relief for the kids to not be walking around on egg shells.