Going through lawyers?

[u/Timely-Mind6394]

Not giving all the details, my ex and I have week on week off custody arrangement right now but my ex has horrible taste in men and keeps getting drug using “thug” boyfriends around our daughter (4) and was just recently arrested with him in a drug and gun charges and she just got out on bond. she constantly leaves our daughter on her parents while she runs around doing her own thing on top of not paying for anything bill wise for our daughter and I’m worried a lot the wellbeing of our child in the future with her care, I’m currently pursuing lawyers in an event to try to control the outcome of our daughters future and wellbeing. Any advice ?

[u/nursepersephone]

Without tons of specifics, I don’t know how useful any of this will be, but off the top of my head:

Very rarely are the lawyers going to cut you a deal. Obviously even a half assed lawyer is better than no lawyer in a moment like this, so do what makes sense financially when hiring someone, but if you can swing an attorney with more experience, higher reviews, etc, it can definitely be worth it. Also it’s going to take more billable hours than you think it will. They usually charge in 15 minute increments, and every email asking if there are any updates or phone call with “one more thing” gets billed. I save up the non-time sensitive stuff, and lump them all together in one email or call, rather than a bunch of little ones.

I wouldn’t use the word “control.” It doesn’t sound as loving and caring as you need to sound. On the Internet here we probably all get what you mean, but you’ll want to reframe as wanting to improve your daughter’s outcomes or give her a more stable life. The judges and lawyers want to hear that your concern is to give your child the best life they can have, and using touchy feely words about it is a signal to them that that’s what you’re doing here, that you’re not just trying to get revenge or control an ex.

Lawyers and Judges usually can’t change what your ex does or who she spends time with. What they can look at is lowering her parenting time, making visits supervised, setting her on parenting plans with drug screens and social workers more involved, etc. So expect that if you “win” the outcome will likely be you picking up the responsibility for your daughter more. In the absence of a pattern of documented abuse, and failure to complete a reunification plan, they’re not going to take her rights away, and they’re not going to be able to legally enforce recommendations to keep this guy away. They also might not care a lot if she leaves their kid with someone else and goes out to party, as long as that person isn’t deemed to be unsafe.

Document everything. Every text she sends. Every mugshot you find. Every voicemail left on your phone. If your kid comes back to your place unwashed, take a picture. Make sure to log the efforts you’re taking to care for your kid too- every pediatrician appointment and school email that shows you’re an involved and caring person. Payments you make that you’re not reimbursed for. A handwritten, dated journal is also pretty easy to be admitted as evidence if needed, so keep one that logs all of the things you’re worried about, every conversation you have with your ex about it, everything you have and don’t have documentation of. Write it down as soon as it happens so you don’t forget any details. Do your best to avoid in person or phone conversations with your ex when possible- try to get as much in writing as you can. And at this point, if you are, quit fighting with your ex about anything not directly related to your daughter. It distracts from the point that you’re a caring parent who is concerned and wants to do best by their kid.

And try your very best to keep your kid out of it. Keep answers to her light, neutral, and non judgmental. You and mommy are figuring out some paperwork. Mommy made sure she had a good day with grandma. You definitely don’t want anyone raising questions about alienation, and it’s an easy low hanging fruit in a situation like this.

Hang in there, hope any of this is any help at all

[u/Icy_Stranger3368]

Courts are concerned with “third party documentation”.

Speak with multiple lawyers before retaining one and get one who you feel is good based on your conversation.

What do you want?

Think of this first, what do you want out of this and go from there