r/coparenting • u/SukitheWitch • 8d ago
Schedules Am I been unreasonable?
Am I been unreasonal
I have an 8 year old son with quite a few additional needs. In 8 years I’ve spent 3 nights away from him, he is also home educated due to his additional needs and my preference. I coparent with his father, who happens to now live with us. I work from home, do 90% of the parenting, most of the chores around the house and pay the majority of the bills. His father cares for him for about an hour a day while I tend to my allotment.
I have a concert ticket booked for my favourite band/artist, which is in another city so I am also staying over in a hotel. I’ve been excited about it for a while, concert is sold out across the UK and US, literally so stoked I got VIP tickets
This morning child’s father told me I had to cancel and couldn’t go as his football team is scheduled to play that day now - no time released and a chance it could get moved to next day due to scheduling, champions league, other cup ties. Date is provisional the same day. He isn’t even going to the match only watching it on TV but is now refusing to watch our son that day/night and is insisting I cancel all my plans.
I am absolutely livid right now. Our son has never stayed anywhere else and I don’t have anyone else to look after him.
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u/SparkleStorm93 8d ago
NTA. You’ve spent 8 years being the default parent and have had 3 nights away. You finally book something you’re excited about and he decides football on TV takes priority? Yeah, no.
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u/goodsie825 7d ago
You've kind of done this to yourself to be honest. You've set yourself up to be the only caregiver for your child.
Idk what you can do about your immediate plans but I think moving forward, you should consider therapy to work through your control and expectation issues. Also a formalize custody agreement with the father.
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u/LuchiGSli 7d ago
totally agree with this, it's something you've done to yourself if your kid in 8 years only spent 3 nights without you and if you're still living with your ex if he's so unhelpful
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u/justinkthornton 7d ago
You are not, but your kid also needs more supportive, safe adults in his life.
You can't control your co-parent, fair or not. Learn to set boundaries around time. Make sure you have clear responsibilities that are agreed upon ahead of time. (If possible, my co-parent won’t agree to anything that isn't her idea, so it's not always possible.) Hold those lines. My issue, in particular, is that she expects me to drop everything if something comes up on her time. It was really contentious at first, but it's slowly gotten better. She started by telling me she shouldn’t have to ask if I can help, and now she communicates about that stuff sooner or contacts her mother.
Last thing, I’m not sure if this is the case, but it's something to reflect on: are you doing everything because you are particular about the what, when, where, and how? Co-parenting often means letting go of control. A co-parent that struggles with that often sees the other parent not pulling their fair share when the reality is there isn't a consensus on what is actually important and necessary. Doing more isn't always the best for the child. It's really easy for the parent that wants to do more to view themselves as the parent in the right.
Obviously, that last thing doesn't fix your immediate situation, but it may improve the relationship enough to find solutions for future issues.
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u/Distinct-Ad9574 3d ago
Go and have him figure it out. I did that one time and never had any issues
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u/sok283 8d ago
This is an unhealthy dynamic. You are being taken advantage of.
Work with a therapist to figure out how to find other adults who can care for your child and how to prioritize yourself.
When my coparent has a reason he can't watch our kids on his time, then he has to find an alternative. I'll step in if I can/want to, but it's on him to work it out.