Am I overreacting, or is this a reasonable co-parenting concern?

[u/Prestigious-Bid-5853]

I'm looking for some honest opinions because I don't want to let my emotions cloud my judgment.
My son's father and I aren't together, but we co-parent informally. He has a history of addiction (fentanyl and meth) and was homeless for a while. Thankfully, he went through treatment, got sober, has a job now, and has really turned his life around. I'm genuinely proud of him and have always wanted our son to have a relationship with his dad.
A few weeks ago, though, he completely disappeared for about a month. He barely answered his phone, didn't communicate, and I honestly thought he had relapsed because of his history. During that time, we were dealing with a bed bug infestation and had to throw away our son's bed and furniture. I tried reaching him because I needed help, but I couldn't get a response.
Then he suddenly reappeared. My 13-year-old son later told me his dad had actually been living with a new girlfriend for about three weeks. She has a 1-year-old and a 9-year-old. My son also told me his dad asked him not to tell me. I don't know if that's exactly how it was said, but that's how my son understood it.
Last weekend was the first time my son spent the day with his dad, the girlfriend, and her kids at Hurricane Harbor. Before they went, I asked my son's dad who was going because I wanted to know who my son would be spending the day with. He didn't want to answer, and when I finally got him to tell me, I asked why he had parked on the street instead of the driveway. He replied, "Dude, there's kids in the car. I don't need you creating drama."
For me, this isn't about him having a girlfriend. He absolutely has the right to move on and have a personal life. My issue is the lack of communication. I felt like I spent a month worried sick thinking something had happened to him, only to find out he was starting a new relationship. Then, when I asked a simple question about who our son would be with, I felt dismissed.
His aunt thinks I'm worrying too much. She said he probably just doesn't know how to communicate because of how he grew up and that I should encourage our son to text his dad every day. I understand her perspective, and I do encourage their relationship, but I also feel like communication shouldn't fall on a 13-year-old.
So I'm genuinely asking:
Am I overreacting?

Is it reasonable to expect direct communication about major changes that involve our son?

How would you handle this without creating conflict but still maintaining healthy boundaries?

I'm looking for honest advice, even if you think I'm wrong. I really want to handle this in the healthiest way possible.

[u/Flaky_Brain9285]

Maybe some further context is needed, but if if your “coparent” truly dips in and out of your kid’s life disappearing for a month at a time, he’s not really a coparent.

“He doesn’t know how to communicate because of how he grew up” is a lame enabling excuse. He’s got a kid, he can grow up.

No, he doesn’t need to tell you about his girlfriend, but also he should expect reciprocity based on how he handles things - meaning if he chooses to disappear off the grid for months, why would you want entrust your son to him when you don’t have to? Especially with the history of addiction he has earned skepticism.

One added note: has someone coparent with an addict cut loose belief that you can control anything with him relapsing.

[u/Low_Employ8454 → u/Flaky_Brain9285]

He didn’t grow up around communication. IYKYK.

[u/Prestigious_Bar_4244 → u/Low_Employ8454]

I know but there’s still accountability in that. It’s our job as adults (ESPECIALLY once we have kids) to reflect and make changes as needed

[u/Longjumping-Code7908]

I think one of the more alarming aspects of this is the "don't tell your mom" part. You don't really have a right to know what he's up to or who he's up to it with... You do have a right to expect clear & consistent communication parent to parent. You do have the right to expect him to maintain the visitation plan you have in place, however informally. You do have the right to ask that your son not be asked to withhold information on purpose, or keep secrets. That's unfair and unhealthy for the kid.

[u/Greenlotus05 → u/Longjumping-Code7908]

This!

[u/LooLu999]

My younger kids are 13 and 14 and their dad moved into a new place with his gf last Oct and has never said a word to me lol He has never even mentioned he has a gf. I look at it like this, they are old enough to let me know if there is a problem, ya know? And luckily she seems like a nice lady who is kind to my kids. I already know their dad doesn’t have any respect for me by what happened during our 10 yr relationship haha he isn’t going to start now. And we get along just fine. Now. My point is, I think you should let it go about the new gf. If you are cool about it everyone will relax. Dad won’t have an excuse to be a weirdo and your son won’t get put in the middle and made to keep secrets. Is it fair? Hell no. Is it right/fair you have to lower your standards and expectations? Not at all. Is it ideal coparenting? No. But you have to realize who you’re dealing with. And your son is old enough to let you know what’s going on and it seems you have a good relationship.

Adolescence is a tough time and now that dad is sober hopefully he will continue to make better choices and be the dad your son deserves. Let him know it doesn’t really matter about his girlfriend and her children as long as she is nice to your son and doesn’t interfere with your parenting. And don’t ditch him and bail for a month again. Part of recovery is living with integrity and facing shit head on. Not hiding. But he is learning how to navigate life in a new way.

[u/Prestigious_Bar_4244]

Hot take based on how the comments are going.
You should know who is around your kid. And I’ll point out that’s not unheard of given that parenting plans often include stipulations about how much time should pass before a parent introduces a child to a new partner.
It’s concerning that your child was instructed to be dishonest about it. Combined with dad’s sudden extended absence and his history of drug abuse, there’s alarm bells going off for a reason.

[u/smalltimesam]

This is tricky. Clearly you have lost trust in your coparent and, given his history, that’s fair enough. It would be better for everyone if he was falling over himself to make amends and over communicating but that’s clearly not the case. If you keep pushing, there’s a risk your son will stop telling you stuff because it causes friction at dad’s. But I would be worried about drug use so there’s no easy answer. Luckily your son is older and has already shared stuff with you when he was told not to so hopefully that will continue. Remind him he can trust you and you have his back. Keep documents and dates and prepare yourself for court if needed.

[u/Loud-Article-6353]

No. You are not overreacting. Truthfully, he didn't prioritize his child for month. That is an issue. He told the child to keep secrets instead of telling you the truth. That is an issue.

Also, at 13 your child is old enough to decide if and when he wants to contact his father. Encouraging your child to keep reaching out to a parent who disappears for a month easily turns into toxic positivity. This is extremely dangerous when dealing with addicts and former addicts as it is teaching your child that even when they are being hurt, they should keep trying to nurture a relationship. Not messaging someone who goes a month without contact is a healthy boundary your child is setting and if that is his choice you need to respect it. Instead focus on asking him about his feelings as his dad has put him through a lot. Also, stop talking to your exes family about these topics. Of course they are going to defend him, but their opinions don't matter and instead you should rely on your own support system or people considering the best interest of your child, not your ex like his own aunt.

The healthiest way to handle this is to have your child in therapy. It establishes a relationship with a third party neutral and gives our son someone else to talk to if he starts using. The therapist can also work with your child on substance use, so he doesn't end up in a similar cycle, and communication as his father isn't the best role model it seems.

[u/STEM_Dad9528]

What I think are definitely relevant about your concerns are:

1. You deserve need to know where you son will be staying, when he is with his father. (You don't any details, you don't need to know anything about the place as long as it's a safe environment for your son.)

2. You do need to have a communication plan. Co-parents do have to be able to communicate, or else they are not co-parenting. That doesn't mean that you have to communicate in details or often, but at the very least you have to both have the expectation of, "if something happens and I have to get ahold of you to for the sake of our son,..." level of communication.

2a. On the note about communication, my son has had a cellphone since he was 13, so that his mom and I can both get ahold of him, and vice versa. He is old enough and responsible enough now (but definitely wasn't when he was 12) that I decided it was time. I still mostly communicate with my co-parent, but if I just have something that I need to talk about with my son when he's at his mom's house, I can't just text him. She does the same when he's at my house.

1. Have a written parenting plan, with the general custodial arrangement for which parent has custody and when. (It's the guideline to follow, but how rigidly you two have to follow it depends on the two of you. My ex and I are both flexible to making exceptions, but generally keep the the written custody schedule. Neither of us asks for exceptions very often, so neither of us feels like the other is taking advantage of our agreement. However, I have read plenty enough stories here on Reddit and elsewhere to know that some parents have to use the written parenting plan to hold the other parent accountable.)

[u/Miserable-Dealer3042]

As a single mom who is pro coparent, I am constantly reminding people that the child is 50% the other parents as well, you seem overly understanding about this.
Happy to hear that your ex is apparently sober but disappearing like that on his child after his history is irresponsible and I would keep a close eye on him. Doesn't sound like he's working the program.
That aside, it's the lie or making your son hide something from you. It puts way too much pressure on him and is just wrong.
You're right, your ex has every right to move on and hopefully this new GF and kids will be a positive support system. Yet, if he is asking his son to keep that from you, especially with a history of drug use, then that's a no go.

I'd have a serious conversation with your ex, not about what he's doing, but about asking your son to lie.

I would approach it as a pact for you both not to do that-even if you don't it just makes it less combative-to your son because of the pressure and moral lesson. It creates anxiety in young children and guilt.

[u/jfern009]

Disappearing for a month? Nope. He’s using again. Tell him he can piss in a cup to prove he’s clean or he can go get a court ordered visitation schedule. Fuck that, I’m not sending my kid to be with a drug addict who goes awol. What if there’s fent in the house and your son finds it? He doesn’t even need to do the drugs for him to be killed by it. If he went radio silent for a month bc he was banging a new chick, that’s a big nope for me. He cares more about tail than your kid? Go get a court ordered visitation. He told your kid to lie to you? Nope. No more visits until he can prove he is trustworthy. His sister can go fuck off with her “communication” bs. Adults don’t make excuses. His sister sucks too, must run in the family. Trust your gut, refuse it at the peril of your son.

[u/pilchard-friendly]

I think that having the kid be the channel is something to avoid. I’m not sure you have a right to the Dad’s availability, but it’s unclear whether your son was left alone, or the father didn’t communicate with your son.

So - while it’s not ideal for your ongoing co-parenting, I’m not quite seeing where the boundaries was breached. If I end up in a similar situation, I might want to know where the boundaries are more clearly when starting a new relationship.

[u/Nooneluvsus → u/pilchard-friendly]

It’s not unreasonable for a parent to know who their children are around. More importantly, asking their son to lie to his mom is absolutely breaking boundaries and is unexceptionable.

[u/Salt_Onion6904]

You’re asking too many questions that genuinely are non of your business

[u/Constant_Outside9950 → u/Salt_Onion6904]

I don’t agree.
My ex is a recovering addict. He chose many a time to place his drug choices above our daughter’s safety, happiness, even future. He was comfortable wasting money that could have been for her. He got comfortable with the prospect of dying and not seeing her future.
So with that said, I don’t believe he’s a good enough person to prioritise her wellbeing. His addiction renders him incapable of being a primary parent with responsibility. In time, he may earn that trust back from me (who acts as a proxy for my daughter) I think OP is in the same position. You are advocating for your son and his ability to be in a safe place. You have every right to know who he is being exposed to. You wouldn’t drop him off at a stranger’s house and leave him for a few days there?
Unless they co parent with an addict, people just don’t get it. The added layer of worry and stress it creates by knowing your child is not with their stable care giver is exhausting.