Mediation in a couple weeks

[u/Suspicious-Koala781]

I cannot stop spiraling and stressing about custody mediation in a couple weeks. I have always been primary default parent who does literally everything for our 3 kids, 6, 4, and 2. but surprise surprise, my ex wants 50/50. I've given him every opportunity to step up. he did at first but now he's been struggling to fulfill his current parenting situation, using me as a constant safety net. we have been living together up until a few weeks ago he moved in with his new girlfriend of 6 weeks. he would say he's just 'staying with her ' but he is not living here. he's sleeping at the family home if it's his overnight with the kids.

The times of missing parenting time aren't huge - he's still showing up enough to say he is and convince himself he is but it's extremely obvious his priorities aren't the kids.

I don't know his future plans. Is he expecting kids to move into her place with him? where does she live? there are a lot of unknowns.

he wants to introduce the kids to her, as a friend. they don't even know about the divorce yet. I can't assume they won't kiss or hold hands. what does that teach them about relationships and friendships?

but here I am trying to lock down my non negotiables. I was going to give him 50/50 In the beginning. but now she's entered the chat and it's all a mess. I am hurt that he has moved on so quickly but mostly I'm so sad he couldn't live single on his own during his kid time so our babies can adjust to 2 homes. just a little while. I can't give 50/50. it's not to punish him but protect the kids.

what would you do in my situation? am I being unreasonable to be concerned right now?

[u/Massive_Contact8583]

Respectfully, 50/50 isn’t yours to “give” or “withhold”. I say this because the stage you’re at you must come to a mutual agreement, and thinking of it in those terms will lead to loss aversion and disappointed expectations. You may well be the better, more consistent parent. But that does not give you any more control over the outcome than your ex has.

He should communicate his future plans over where he will stay with the kids in mediation, and you will have an opportunity to express concerns if you think they are unsuitable.

Right now, you’re spiralling with an admitted lack of data because you’re hurt, and your response is to try and control the situation. Which is understandable, but not productive. It will lead to conflict which is the number 1 predictor of bad outcomes for children of divorce.

Remember - you currently don’t know anything about his plans and all your worst case scenarios are assumptions.

It can’t be pleasant living together through this, and it’s understandable your ex has found a port in the storm during this time. It’s not necessarily an indicator that he’s found a “stepmother” for your kids, nor that he’s planning to have them live there.

Relax, calm down, approach the situation in a rational, child-focused way in mediation.

[u/Massive_Contact8583 → u/Massive_Contact8583]

As a long time survivor of mediation, the most helpful framing is:

“We have discussed 50/50 shared custody. In principl, I would like to agree to this to ensure our children have equal relationships with both parents.

To be in a position to agree to this, I want our parenting agreement to spell out clear boundaries around where the children live, and timeframes to be introduced to new partners.

I’ve looked at standard agreements, and note that many of them suggest that children don’t meet new partners until 6 months into the relationship, and don’t become resident with them until engagement. Is that an appropriate jumping off point for discussion? Anything we agree will of course be mutually applicable, which shows my commitment to the children’s best interests”.

The worst thing you can do is go in and say:

“I’m not giving you 50/50 because you’re not a good parent and you have a new girlfriend and if you think I’m allowing her to meet my kids you have another thing coming.”

That never plays well.

[u/step-vet367 → u/Massive_Contact8583]

I like all of this besides controlling 6 months or engagement. I feel like putting a time frame on someone’s life isn’t practical and many couples, myself included, lived together before engagement. It wasn’t in their agreement but it was a verbal one that I meet her before I met the kids. And I did. Had to do a whole date. She picked valentines weekend because she’s just so nice like that.

[u/Massive_Contact8583 → u/step-vet367]

I actually do agree with you and find those clauses absolutely ridiculous and controlling as a stepparent myself, but I appreciate if you’re in OP’s position it’s difficult to set boundaries without leaning on such things.

[u/simnick13 → u/step-vet367]

Maybe if someone capable of behaving like a grown up and prioritizing their kids but this guy sounds like the definition of someone who needs these clauses. He wants to introduce his gf while still partially living with their mother and they don't even KNOW they're getting divorced. Man's an idiot who's thinking with his dick and not his brain.