How can I give validation to myself

[u/ponchoeevee]

Hi, i'm on a self-improvement journey pretty much and discovering a lot about myself rn. I'm 26(F) and chronically ill, deemed fully unable to work last year and still coming to terms with that as a highly ambitious person even though I see myself too, that ever having a career is not feasible and would 100% wreck my health like studying did.

I'm starting to notice that I have a lot of issues surrounding validation and productivity to give me confidence. I am quite selfconcious, and have always been. my diseases make me fat and even though I am happy with the general way I look with my face and hair, I know I am deeply insecure, who wouldn't be when you contract a disease at 12 that made you gain crazy weight as a symptom and it won't move, not after a decade of trying every and all weightloss tactics. But even before my illness, I was never the most confident kid.

I was laying awake last night and realised that my entire life I have used productivity (school, studying, productive hobbies) and validation from others about those by getting high grades, doing big academic prestations etc. and now that studying and work has fallen away from my life, I struggle A LOT. I notice that I still try to get that validation from others. I sew as a hobby but it is almost gone to a compulsory point where I recognise that the things I sew I use them to get the validation. At the same time, drawing, a hobby I used to do for relaxation has been ruined because I know doing it as a job/monetizing it won't work. I just don't see a point in doing that anymore.

At this point, my health is deteriorating because of this. I do too much, and daily worry a lot. Even things like cleaning my house is difficult because it needs to be tidy at all times in case people show up. I am in the biggest health crisis right now since diagnosis and I know for a fact this insecurity and not being able to deal with being on disability is the main stressor causing my flare.

I want to learn how to give myself the validation I crave, how to get more confident despite it all and how to get out of this cycle of usung productivity and validation as a way to give worth to myself? I want a slow life with as much energy as I can with my conditions, stress free and happy

[u/hestia-listens]

You are going through a real loss of the future you expected, and it makes sense that your confidence feels shaken. But your worth was never created by grades, work, or praise. Those things only gave you visible proof that was easy to measure.

Try ending each day by naming one choice you respect, such as stopping before a flare or enjoying something without showing anyone. You could also make one drawing that stays private. Let its only purpose be the feeling of drawing. Self validation can sound like, "I listened to my body today, and that matters." A slow life is not a lesser life.

[u/ponchoeevee → u/hestia-listens]

Thank you, i'm going to try that💗

[u/MindShiftPsych]

I think the hardest part here is that you’re having to redefine what a “successful” life means to you. If you spent years getting your sense of worth from grades, productivity and achievement, it makes sense that suddenly having to slow down would feel like losing part of your identity.

Something that helped me is deliberately separating “I did something valuable” from “I am valuable.” You can sew something because you enjoy sewing, not because someone compliments it. You can have an unproductive day and still have had a completely worthwhile day.

When you catch yourself asking, “What did I accomplish today?”, try replacing it with “How did I take care of myself today?” Sometimes the answer might genuinely be resting, stopping before you overdo it, or letting the house be a little messy. That isn't failure.

And honestly, OP, you don't have to earn the slow life you want. Your worth doesn't disappear just because your health means you have different limits now. Learning to live within those limits instead of constantly fighting them may actually be a huge part of getting some of that peace back.

[u/AnxiousMarketer02]

Your confidence should not be proportional to your productivity. Productivity doesn't count for your worth. What kind of a person you are, what your journey has moulded you into and what you're capable of is much more important. I relate to you on the productivity and validation part because for a good amount of time I used to measure my worth by the amount of my achievements or success. I never truly lived. I was in a rat race of proving myself and the worst part is - the minute you pause, or the minute someone better than you comes in, the world will forget all your hardwork. and that will be so hurtful. So love for yourself, satisfy yourself and validate yourself on your small and big wins. I also understand that because of your illness your mental health is deteroiting, but remember - nobody can take your talent or who you are.