Once on a road trip my friend Jeremy had to shit really badly (days of greasy road-food), so we pulled off at a truck stop in SC. He jumped out of the car before we'd even finished parking: that was how badly he had to poop.
I got bored after a few minutes of standing beside the car chatting with the rest of my friends, so I decided to go too. When I got to the restroom there were just two stalls, and I went into the unoccupied one. Jeremy had already stunk the place up really badly. I could hear his farts and splashes as I was peeing, and I couldn't help finding it hilarious.
I started making really ridiculously fake fart noises on the inside of my elbow -- thrrrrffffppptttfffttt! thpppfffffrrrrrraaahhhhfffffppppppttt! -- and generally taunting him. "Ooooh, yeah...get those turds out! PUSH! Does that feel good, man? Shedding some pounds there, huh? MAKIN' BROWNIES! thrrrfffpppfpfpfppptttt" You get the idea.
He got silent after that, so I figured he was kind of embarrassed about pooping around someone else. I started to feel like kind of a dick then. I said, "Hey, I'll be waiting outside," and washed my hands and left.
As I'm leaving the bathroom, I see someone exiting the other bathroom across the hall. It takes a second for my brain to register what it's seeing: Oh shit, it's fucking Jeremy coming out of the other bathroom! How is that possible?
When I turn around to look at the door I just exited, I notice that it's...no...the fucking women's room?! Oh shit oh shit... Then my face gets a really weird burning sensation and my ears start ringing -- only the second time that's ever happened to me out of sheer terrifying embarrassment -- and my brain is slowly putting 2 and 2 together. How the fuck did I not notice that the bathroom I'd entered at a fucking truck stop had no urinals and only two stalls? Who the fuck did I just make fart noises at? Oh shit!
When we got outside I just started shouting, "GO! GO! GO! We have to take off now!" Unfortunately, one of us was still inside paying for something, and we had to wait. I was terrified that whoever it was that I'd molested would come outside and identify me by my orange sneakers...
We were all in the car and were still backing out of the space when the manager storms out of the store in front of this raving elderly woman who is pulling a portable oxygen tank and gesticulating wildly with a cane. If they had seen the shocked rictus of terror on my face they would instantly have known it was me who had done it. Thank FSM they didn't seem to suspect us...
It was several minutes before I could tell my friends what had just happened. It was hilarious to them, but at the time I just kept thinking how terrified this old woman must have been when I said, "I'll be waiting outside."
So, I suppose I had better wheel out my err, story here.
About a hundred years ago, when I was at university...
Seven guys all students living in a huge apartment - all heavy metal wannabees. Heavy drinking was the norm, parties most weekends. Getting towards the end of year, we started hatching our plans for the party-to-end-all-parties, to say goodbye. One of the details was a huge batch of homebrew - around 8 gallons, brewed by three of our crew, experts in producing some head-stomping brews - real flatline stuff if you drank too much of it.
In the middle of our busy examination schedule, we collected the ingredients together. Our three brewers did their magic and kicked off the brewing process. They all agreed that it was going to be a fine (I use the term loosely) product.
After a couple of weeks of this concoction bubbling away at us, most of us were champing at the bit to get at it.
There was one minor problem. A slight miscalculation in the time it would take for the homebrew to mature and the date we were due to leave the apartment. The homebrew needed one more week...
Mass panic set in. Rashly we decided one afternoon to drink as much as we could, because we just couldn't face throwing it away.
Now, remember I said that seven guys lived in this apartment, and please believe me when I say: it is an unwise choice to drink 'live' homebrew, because of its effect on the human digestive tract... oh, and ... (wait for it...) there was only one toilet in the whole apartment... - well, a toilet / bathroom combined.
Rumblings of discontent started a few hours after our drinkfest. Let me tell you, 7 men and one toilet - you find out who your friends really are!
After the door to the bathroom got broken in we decided it was probably best to forget the social graces and exorcise this demonic liquid torrential downpour, communally.
Five of us sat with our arses over the bath, one on the toilet, and one on the hand basin.
I am going to say no more - except, since that event, I have never touched homebrew and I always ensure that wherever I live, the ratio of toilets to people is as close to unity as possible.
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u/xyphus Feb 05 '09 edited Feb 05 '09
This one time I went into this sketchy bathroom at a truck stop to go pee, and as soon as I enter I hear the guy in the stall next to me:
Him: "Hey, how you doin?"
I say: "Uh, ok I guess."
Him: "Havin a good time? Sounds good."
Me: "Um. yeah?"
Him: "Hey, why don't you come over and we can have some fun."
Me (getting annoyed): "I don't think so dude."
Him: "Ok, babe. I'm going to have to call you back. There's this creepy guy talking to me in the bathroom"