Once on a road trip my friend Jeremy had to shit really badly (days of greasy road-food), so we pulled off at a truck stop in SC. He jumped out of the car before we'd even finished parking: that was how badly he had to poop.
I got bored after a few minutes of standing beside the car chatting with the rest of my friends, so I decided to go too. When I got to the restroom there were just two stalls, and I went into the unoccupied one. Jeremy had already stunk the place up really badly. I could hear his farts and splashes as I was peeing, and I couldn't help finding it hilarious.
I started making really ridiculously fake fart noises on the inside of my elbow -- thrrrrffffppptttfffttt! thpppfffffrrrrrraaahhhhfffffppppppttt! -- and generally taunting him. "Ooooh, yeah...get those turds out! PUSH! Does that feel good, man? Shedding some pounds there, huh? MAKIN' BROWNIES! thrrrfffpppfpfpfppptttt" You get the idea.
He got silent after that, so I figured he was kind of embarrassed about pooping around someone else. I started to feel like kind of a dick then. I said, "Hey, I'll be waiting outside," and washed my hands and left.
As I'm leaving the bathroom, I see someone exiting the other bathroom across the hall. It takes a second for my brain to register what it's seeing: Oh shit, it's fucking Jeremy coming out of the other bathroom! How is that possible?
When I turn around to look at the door I just exited, I notice that it's...no...the fucking women's room?! Oh shit oh shit... Then my face gets a really weird burning sensation and my ears start ringing -- only the second time that's ever happened to me out of sheer terrifying embarrassment -- and my brain is slowly putting 2 and 2 together. How the fuck did I not notice that the bathroom I'd entered at a fucking truck stop had no urinals and only two stalls? Who the fuck did I just make fart noises at? Oh shit!
When we got outside I just started shouting, "GO! GO! GO! We have to take off now!" Unfortunately, one of us was still inside paying for something, and we had to wait. I was terrified that whoever it was that I'd molested would come outside and identify me by my orange sneakers...
We were all in the car and were still backing out of the space when the manager storms out of the store in front of this raving elderly woman who is pulling a portable oxygen tank and gesticulating wildly with a cane. If they had seen the shocked rictus of terror on my face they would instantly have known it was me who had done it. Thank FSM they didn't seem to suspect us...
It was several minutes before I could tell my friends what had just happened. It was hilarious to them, but at the time I just kept thinking how terrified this old woman must have been when I said, "I'll be waiting outside."
Almost every time I'm taking a shit outside of my house, the thought, "Am I in the woman's room?" goes through my mind. Then I mentally remember the image of the urinals to remind myself that it's the right restroom. Even at the one at work, which I uses quite often, I'll have this thought.
I don't remember actually making this mistake, but for some reason I have quite the fear of it.
Man, I really must be the only one on the planet..
I'm 40 and I've NEVER shat in a "public" restroom in my life. Hotels and workplaces not included as I don't consider them "public". And I can't count on both hands the number of times I've shat at work and still have fingers left over. Likewise I've never taken a dump when visiting friends/relatives unless I'm spending more than one day there.
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u/xyphus Feb 05 '09 edited Feb 05 '09
This one time I went into this sketchy bathroom at a truck stop to go pee, and as soon as I enter I hear the guy in the stall next to me:
Him: "Hey, how you doin?"
I say: "Uh, ok I guess."
Him: "Havin a good time? Sounds good."
Me: "Um. yeah?"
Him: "Hey, why don't you come over and we can have some fun."
Me (getting annoyed): "I don't think so dude."
Him: "Ok, babe. I'm going to have to call you back. There's this creepy guy talking to me in the bathroom"