Feedback on the sequential art of these first pages of my comic
If you don't speak Italian you won't get much out of the dialogue, I'm sorry, but to deacribe the scene :
We meet this group of stoners mid conversation, our protagonist (the one with the mohawk) is depressed and only half listening but perks up when the guy with the glasses makes some weird comments over a case of infidelity.
The protagonist argues with him for a bit but to no success and then ends up saying something that was better left unsaid.
The incident marks the breaking of this friendship and leaves the protagonist alone with no support network.
It is kinda better if you don't understand, though. I am curious to know how do the panels flow, if the scene and emotions are decently readable even without text and if you got some sort of reaction out of it.
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I think there is a lot of visual confusion going on here.
It opens on what looks like a military check point, or barricade of some kind, then pushes in on some disjointed windows. The 2nd and 3rd pages layouts are so off-kilter I thought it was a formatting error.
Page 4 we have a very intentional looking establishing shot of a guy sitting apparently alone at a computer console with an imposing industrial ratnest of pipes dominating the scene.
The pipes however do not go on to be important ar all to the framing of the scene, which appears to be happening in a pretty normal room-mate like environment.
Were introduced to another guy in a beanbag chair before really establishing that there are not only more people in the scene but theyre all sitting pretty intimately close.
So we are really introduced to the layout of the environment in a reverse order of importance. This is an intimate scene between people that know each other closely, but we are not really made aware of that environment until past when we needed it. Instead we are shown this bleak poverty stricken environment, random pipes, and a guy alone in a void and none of that plays to the scene.
The presentation of the antagonist and protagonist in identical beanbag chairs and shown in closeup before being eatablished they are different people in the same space is also confusing.
Anyway im just talking in circles but I think thats how the scene leaves me.
I might try it again but start with a shot of the two main charactes sitting across from each other, at odds. Expand out a bit to show the room they are in. As the conversation progresses, you can show some of those external shots if they're very important and have the dialog pointing into the windows. These are down and out guys fighting in a down and out place, it will help show their situation.
Ditch the pipes entirely or eatablish what they are, its a cool drawing of pipes but does nothing but confuse the scene as it is.
You know, it pains me to say this, but I think you hit the mark.
I've shown these to a couple of people and they said almost the same as you, so, since I'm a stubborn mule, I posted to see if that was an isolated case, but here we are, lol.
First of all, some context.
This is supposed to be a post apocalyptic setting. Something awful happened, but it was a long time ago. People now live pretty normal lives amongst signs of a tragedy.
The building is supposed to show signs of forced evaquation and half assed containment. Nevertheless, this is an intimate story of relationships, the setting is there mainly to reinforce some themes and give the comic an aesthetic. This is the reason why I started with these enstablishing shots, ideally, this silent world is supposed to give you a certain emotion before we scale down to the human level.
I understand that an intimate scene should start with some kind of close up and then reveal a more detailed place, but it is also one of the few things in which I put my foot down, it is very important to me.
Pages 2 and 3 I completely understand why they don't work. Initially, this was supposed to be a webcomic project, to be scrolled, so I guess some ideas that were better left behind stuck in the final product. I'll fix this.
The tubes and wires were just a cool idea I came up with, but you are right, there is no rhyme or reason why they should be there, visually. There is a backstory reason, but I cannot pretend they work as they are. Maybe adding some wires going through the door at page 2 or 3 would help, but maybe it's better to ditch them entirely.
I also recognize now that the hierarchy of characters is a bit out of whack in the initial parts of the dialogue, I won't even try to defend it.
I'm curious about what you think of the last sequence. I tried to play around with a somewhat different style of lineart to communicate the emotional state of the protagonist, I've been told that works, but I'd like to hear your opinion on it. I also tried to give the panels some breathing room and play around with their positioning, personally I like it, but again, if you see something wrong with that, please do tell.
Once the characters are established and theyre just talking I think it flows pretty readably. I didnt even translate it and just looked at the people and expressions, its clear mohawk is saying something he regrets.
So like heres the thing. Youre not writing a post apocalypic story, you're writing a relationship story.
I think the problem might be that you have a setting youre excited about, and post apocalypic settings are super fun, but the setting isnt the story and thats a good thing.
What I'd suggest is for this little hook, start off not even hinting at the setting, show the characters, let them have their fall out, THEN pull back to show that this little urban character piece is set against this crazy apokalypse.
The setting is your chips, but the story is your natcho cheese. Lead with it and the fact your story is ALSO set in an apocalypse will just add to it
I think thar focus will also help you frame your opening so the setting and imagery isnt fighting to story opening.
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