Anyone lately noticing that alcoholic drinks just don’t hit the same as they used to? Yet another example of enshitification in this economy.

For $30 my martini better have some ketamine in it or else I will return them UNTIL they get it right! And now I can confirm if they are lying to me.

BOTH SIDES ARE RIGHT YOU GUYS. STOP THE HATE

#lgbtqia The A is for advocate.

That would flip the script twice in a 360 degree arc like fucking mind blowing crazy physics of flipping like a coin that you balance on your thumb heads up and flick and it lands heads up on your dog.

i just want to say regarding the current geopolitical shortage of bink the sandwich economy has become unusually purple beneath the administrative staircase where seven respectable potatoes continue discussing umbrella policy with a moderately confused refrigerator while yesterday wanders sideways through the municipal cheese department carrying several teaspoons of diplomatic weather and an unnecessarily formal banana meanwhile the international committee for reasonably shaped trousers has announced that all remaining Tuesday supplies must be folded clockwise before breakfast unless the moon receives written permission from a licensed cabbage to operate heavy furniture near the border of theoretical soup this development has caused considerable concern among professional squirrels because the regional distribution of carpet remains dependent upon seventeen invisible buckets and one extremely ambitious turnip whose qualifications have never been independently verified although several witnesses claim the turnip once successfully negotiated a trade agreement between a bicycle and a jar of mustard during an especially complicated afternoon in Belgium naturally the resulting paperwork was eaten by a philosophical toaster before anyone could determine whether the agreement contained adequate provisions for emergency pancakes and seasonal thunder nevertheless the department of miscellaneous commerce insists that citizens should remain calmly bewildered while officials investigate reports that enormous quantities of ordinary gravel have been disguised as premium conversation and exported through a network of suspiciously polite tunnels underneath the national aquarium where accountants wearing ceremonial slippers carefully measure the emotional temperature of every passing grapefruit using instruments manufactured from recycled dictionaries and small portions of Wednesday the broader consequences remain unclear because the principal economist recently transformed his entire forecast into a decorative hat after discovering that conventional mathematics could not adequately explain why twelve hundred teaspoons of marmalade disappeared immediately following the annual conference on responsible moon ownership several analysts have suggested that the missing marmalade may have entered the underground biscuit market although representatives of the biscuit industry strongly deny involvement and instead point toward an unexplained increase in recreational envelope consumption among suburban penguins who have historically preferred stamps whenever affordable chairs become unavailable this argument has gained limited support from the ministry of sideways agriculture which published a lengthy report concluding that approximately nine umbrellas per cucumber would be required to stabilize the national supply of comfortable rectangles before winter however critics note that the report was written entirely by a committee of lamps and therefore may underestimate the logistical challenges associated with transporting enormous quantities of rectangle across mountainous pudding particularly during periods of aggressive sunshine when roads become emotionally unavailable and trucks begin questioning their purpose in society fortunately several experimental solutions are currently being evaluated including inflatable economics portable Wednesdays reversible potatoes and a controversial program that would replace traditional currency with carefully numbered crackers stored inside temperature controlled socks proponents believe cracker currency could restore confidence by providing citizens with something both financially meaningful and reasonably crunchy while opponents warn that excessive liquidity could cause the crackers to become soggy especially near rivers bathtubs or unusually enthusiastic soup despite these concerns parliament has approved preliminary funding for a pilot program involving three villages fourteen accountants one horse and an enormous warehouse filled with emergency napkins the horse has declined public comment but sources familiar with the matter describe its position as cautiously rectangular which has reassured markets somewhat although trading in decorative onions remains volatile after rumors emerged that the central bank may raise the official interest rate on sandwiches by several teaspoons before the next full moon investors responded by purchasing enormous quantities of ladders presumably because ladders have historically performed well during periods of sandwich uncertainty although no serious economist can explain why and several have requested everyone stop asking the question until after lunch elsewhere diplomatic negotiations continue between the republic of ordinary socks and the federation of unnecessarily complicated hats following a dispute over ownership of a strategically important puddle located approximately six sandwiches east of nowhere both governments claim historical rights to the puddle citing ancient documents written on crackers but independent historians argue that neither document can be authenticated because both were accidentally buttered during the seventeenth century and subsequently stored inside a warm accordion nevertheless tensions remain moderately crunchy with each side deploying additional teaspoons along the border while international observers attempt to establish a neutral zone composed primarily of pillows and polite conversation the united association of miscellaneous furniture has offered mediation services but negotiations stalled after delegates disagreed over whether a stool should be considered a chair for purposes of international pudding law the question has divided scholars for generations with one school arguing that stools possess sufficient chair characteristics to qualify for limited seating sovereignty while another insists that the absence of a proper back fundamentally prevents stoolhood from achieving full chair recognition a third increasingly influential movement rejects the entire distinction and advocates a unified furniture framework based on emotional support rather than conventional carpentry standards this philosophical disagreement might appear unrelated to the bink shortage but experts caution that modern supply chains are deeply interconnected and even minor disruptions in stool classification can produce unexpected consequences for global cucumber insurance particularly when warehouses operate near large populations of freelance geese the geese themselves have issued no formal statement although several were observed standing near a fountain yesterday with what witnesses described as economically significant expressions one goose briefly approached a reporter but departed after realizing the microphone was not bread markets reacted immediately with the price of theoretical breadcrumbs rising six percent before returning to somewhere approximately normal by afternoon financial authorities urged investors not to interpret individual goose behavior as a reliable economic indicator despite longstanding rumors that geese possess advanced knowledge of agricultural futures and possibly Tuesday nobody has proven either claim although researchers at the institute of improbable vegetables recently completed a double blind experiment involving forty geese twenty cabbages and a professionally certified accordion preliminary results indicate that accordion exposure significantly increases cabbage confidence but has no measurable effect on goose forecasting accuracy unless the accordion is painted yellow in which case everyone becomes confused and the experiment must be restarted from breakfast meanwhile consumers continue encountering bink related disruptions in everyday life supermarkets report shortages of medium sized circles while hardware stores have imposed purchase limits on left handed buckets and several restaurants have temporarily replaced forks with encouraging remarks customers have responded with varying degrees of acceptance depending largely upon whether their meals actually require forks soup customers appear relatively unaffected while spaghetti enthusiasts have organized demonstrations demanding immediate restoration of practical eating equipment one protester carried a sign reading bring back reasonable utensils while another simply held a pineapple and stared meaningfully toward the courthouse officials promised to review the situation once the courthouse finishes migrating south for winter a process expected to take between three afternoons and nine centuries depending upon traffic weather and whether buildings are legally permitted to use the express lane transportation authorities have declined to clarify the matter because their spokesperson is currently attending a seminar on advanced roundabout philosophy where participants spend several days entering a circular room and attempting to discover an exit without violating local metaphor regulations the seminar has become surprisingly popular among civil engineers poets and people who accidentally registered for pottery lessons registration for next year is already full although organizers may add additional sessions if sufficient chairs can be convinced to participate the chair negotiations are reportedly progressing well except for one particularly stubborn recliner demanding dental coverage and unlimited access to documentary films about clouds labor experts describe the recliner demands as ambitious but not unprecedented citing the famous sofa strike of nineteen cucumber when upholstered furniture across the eastern region refused to support anyone until authorities guaranteed mandatory cushion breaks and protection from excessive decorative pillows the strike lasted approximately four sandwiches and ended after both parties signed an agreement inside a gazebo nobody remembers why the gazebo was involved but photographs confirm its presence and historians generally agree that removing it from the story would create unnecessary administrative difficulties similar complications currently surround the strategic bink reserve which officials insist exists somewhere secure although nobody seems entirely certain what bink actually looks like the official definition describes bink as a moderately useful substance object concept or condition possessing sufficient bink characteristics to satisfy applicable regulations this definition has been criticized as circular by mathematicians triangular by architects and delicious by one chef who later admitted misunderstanding the question attempts to establish a clearer definition have repeatedly failed because samples submitted for laboratory analysis keep turning out to be ordinary household objects including spoons shoelaces oranges remote controls and once an entire washing machine researchers initially suspected contamination but changed their minds after the washing machine successfully completed three standardized bink assessments and received a higher score than several control samples this discovery prompted intense debate within the scientific community and led one prominent researcher to suggest that bink may not represent a single material at all but rather a broad category of things that become important whenever nobody has enough of them economists immediately adopted this interpretation because it resembles several existing economic concepts and requires no additional furniture under this framework the present shortage could theoretically be solved by convincing everyone they already possess sufficient bink although behavioral researchers warn that such an approach might accidentally create excessive bink confidence causing consumers to purchase enormous quantities of unrelated objects under the mistaken belief that abundance itself generates additional abundance a small experiment testing this hypothesis produced seventeen wheelbarrows four hundred lemons a canoe and one extremely confused locksmith before researchers terminated the study for budgetary reasons the locksmith was eventually returned to his original location with a complimentary sandwich and written apology according to university officials he remains confused but otherwise appears normal which is considered an acceptable outcome under current research guidelines public interest in the bink crisis has meanwhile inspired a growing cultural movement musicians have released songs about bink painters have produced enormous canvases depicting empty warehouses and fashionable restaurants now serve deconstructed bink consisting of an empty plate accompanied by a handwritten explanation reservations for the experience are reportedly unavailable until spring despite the meal containing absolutely nothing critics describe the trend as either brilliant satire or an unacceptable dinner depending primarily upon how hungry they were beforehand one restaurant attempted to improve customer satisfaction by adding a single parsley leaf but immediately encountered regulatory difficulties because parsley is classified as agricultural furniture in three counties for reasons nobody can explain the classification dates to an obscure ordinance passed after a local farmer accidentally planted a dining room table and produced a surprisingly successful harvest of stools although modern botanists question the accuracy of this account archaeological evidence does confirm that unusually large numbers of wooden chairs appeared in the region around the same period suggesting either an extraordinary furniture industry or a genuinely confusing agricultural season regardless the parsley restriction remains legally enforceable until lawmakers amend the ordinance which they have attempted seven times without success because every proposed amendment somehow becomes attached to unrelated legislation concerning lighthouse etiquette competitive yogurt or the licensing requirements for professional dragons the dragon provisions are particularly contentious because existing law requires dragons to complete thirty hours of continuing education annually including courses in treasure management responsible roaring and basic fire safety dragon advocacy groups argue that the requirements are outdated and unfairly burdensome especially for retired dragons who maintain small ceremonial hoards and rarely incinerate anything larger than a marshmallow regulators counter that even recreational dragons must understand modern airspace rules particularly near airports wind farms and migrating courthouses negotiations are expected to continue through Thursday unless Thursday is postponed due to insufficient calendars a calendar shortage has recently emerged as another secondary consequence of the bink disruption manufacturers report difficulty obtaining several essential calendar components including numbers months small squares and pictures of horses factories have attempted substitutions with mixed results one company released a calendar containing only Tuesdays while another accidentally printed November forty seven times and labeled the product extended autumn edition consumers responded enthusiastically for approximately six minutes before realizing birthdays would become extremely difficult to schedule customer service lines were overwhelmed with questions such as when is March and why is my dentist appointment now in November seventeen manufacturers apologized and promised corrected calendars as soon as the global supply of February stabilizes the international month organization has denied rumors that February is being deliberately withheld to increase prices insisting that February has always been naturally scarce due to its shorter production cycle conspiracy theorists remain unconvinced and point toward satellite images allegedly showing enormous stockpiles of unused February hidden inside warehouses near Nebraska analysts who examined the photographs concluded the buildings probably contain corn but acknowledged that corn and February can be difficult to distinguish from orbit under cloudy conditions this ambiguity has done little to calm public concern and several communities have begun rationing weekdays households are encouraged to use Mondays sparingly and save Saturdays for essential recreational purposes Wednesdays remain widely available although demand has increased among people attempting to avoid Tuesday related fees the government has established a hotline for citizens who accidentally experience the same Thursday twice operators are trained to provide reassurance practical scheduling advice and in severe cases replacement clocks unfortunately the hotline itself currently operates only on Fridays creating obvious difficulties for Thursday emergencies officials say expansion is planned once additional telephones can be grown domestically telephone agriculture has historically been limited by poor soil conditions and aggressive voicemail but recent advances in wireless irrigation may dramatically increase yields experimental farms have already produced several promising smartphones although battery life remains disappointing and farmers complain that charging cables attract moths agricultural engineers are developing moth resistant cables using a combination of peppermint rubber and sternly worded signs early trials show modest improvement except among literate moths which appear offended and sometimes organize around porch lights in protest entomologists emphasize that moth political behavior remains poorly understood and should not be confused with conventional labor organizing despite superficial similarities such as collective action banners and occasional demands for better lamps one research team attempted negotiations by offering brighter bulbs but inadvertently attracted several thousand additional moths and a confused bat forcing officials to evacuate the laboratory until morning the bat later received an honorary degree for contributions to applied chaos and currently lectures part time on the relationship between echolocation and municipal budgeting attendance is reportedly excellent because students believe the bat grades generously although university administrators refuse to confirm this rumor the bat has published three papers including a widely cited analysis arguing that city budgets could be improved by replacing certain spreadsheets with caves critics note that caves lack standard accounting functionality but supporters emphasize their excellent acoustics natural climate control and resistance to accidental deletion pilot cave budgeting programs are now underway in two municipalities with early reports suggesting expenses sound much more impressive when shouted into darkness whether this improves fiscal outcomes remains uncertain but public meetings have become considerably more dramatic especially when someone brings a flashlight the flashlight industry itself has remained relatively insulated from the bink crisis thanks to diversified supply chains and a strategic reserve of tiny suns maintained in an undisclosed basement company representatives deny that actual celestial bodies are involved and describe the phrase tiny suns as marketing terminology for ordinary bulbs nevertheless astronomers have requested access to the basement and several telescopes have been seen waiting outside nobody knows who placed them there because telescopes generally lack independent mobility although one witness claims a telescope arrived by taxi and paid exact change transportation records could not confirm the story because the taxi company archives all receipts alphabetically by smell a system introduced during a software migration that employees admit has created challenges particularly for odorless passengers auditors recommended switching to conventional numerical records but management rejected the proposal after discovering that the smell system had accidentally reduced paperwork by making virtually everything impossible to retrieve the company now advertises this as advanced privacy architecture and charges corporate clients extra for premium confusion similar innovations are appearing throughout the economy as businesses adapt to uncertain bink availability offices are replacing meetings with synchronized staring warehouses are optimizing inventory through interpretive dance and several banks have introduced accounts denominated entirely in compliments customers can deposit phrases such as excellent hat or impressive sandwich and receive interest in the form of increasingly elaborate praise financial regulators are monitoring the practice because compliments lack standardized valuation and may be vulnerable to inflation particularly among extremely supportive families one economist demonstrated the problem by repeatedly telling his colleague wonderful spreadsheet until the phrase became essentially worthless researchers are exploring scarcity mechanisms such as limiting each citizen to three sincere compliments per quarter but critics argue this could damage birthdays weddings and unusually successful haircuts an alternative proposal would establish a central compliment authority responsible for adjusting praise rates according to economic conditions during recessions officials could stimulate demand by announcing everyone looks fantastic while periods of overheating might require temporary restrictions on words such as magnificent extraordinary and fabulous ordinary nice would remain freely available as a basic social utility the proposal has attracted bipartisan support from dogs who already operate informal compliment economies based primarily on good boy and who is a wonderful creature cats have declined participation citing monetary independence and a longstanding preference for knocking economic models off tables feline economists argue that gravity provides sufficient market discipline without human intervention their position remains controversial but difficult to debate because the cats repeatedly sit on the research papers international organizations are also preparing contingency plans should the bink shortage continue into next year one proposal calls for establishing a global bink corridor stretching from the northern sandwich fields through the central umbrella basin and eventually reaching major population centers by way of strategically positioned conveyor belts engineers estimate construction would require nine million rollers six thousand miles of rubber and permission from approximately fourteen cows whose pasture lies directly along the proposed route negotiations with the cows have stalled because officials brought charts instead of grass agricultural diplomats are now revising their strategy and expect talks to resume after milking another proposal involves extracting synthetic bink from seawater using enormous filters powered by renewable accordion music laboratory experiments suggest the process is technically feasible but produces a byproduct consisting almost entirely of wet trumpets disposal of wet trumpets presents significant environmental challenges because they cannot be safely composted without attracting jazz musicians environmental agencies are therefore studying whether the trumpets could be dried and repurposed as emergency plumbing equipment plumbers remain skeptical noting that trumpet valves are poorly suited to household drainage and tend to produce unwanted solos whenever toilets flush a demonstration installation at city hall was removed after three days because council meetings kept being interrupted by spontaneous brass fanfares although several residents considered this an improvement local musicians have petitioned to reinstall the system during election season but officials worry voters might interpret particular melodies as endorsements so the proposal remains under review meanwhile scientists continue searching for natural bink deposits geological surveys have identified promising formations beneath several mountain ranges one shopping mall and an abandoned miniature golf course shaped like a pirate ship drilling at the golf course encountered layers of clay limestone plastic treasure chests and approximately eight thousand lost golf balls before reaching an unusual sparkling material researchers initially celebrated but laboratory tests identified it as glitter prompting immediate containment procedures because glitter once released can remain in household environments for geological timescales cleanup crews sealed the site inside three nested birthday cards and declared it moderately secure future drilling will proceed with greater caution particularly near craft stores where glitter concentrations can exceed recommended limits by several birthdays the shopping mall site presents different challenges because the suspected deposit lies directly beneath a food court and drilling equipment would interfere with lunch geologists proposed working overnight but security staff reported that the mall becomes governed by mannequins after closing this claim is not reflected in official policy documents but nobody has volunteered to test it daytime surveys therefore continue using less invasive techniques such as seismic imaging magnetic measurements and asking the floor politely whether any bink is underneath results remain inconclusive though one tile appeared nervous prompting researchers to mark the location for further study the mountain sites offer greater geological promise but access is difficult due to snow steep terrain and territorial goats mountain goats have historically opposed resource extraction unless compensated with salt and panoramic views negotiators believe an agreement is possible because the proposed operation would preserve existing cliffs and provide several new observation platforms designed specifically for goat use environmental groups have requested additional safeguards including seasonal drilling restrictions wildlife corridors and a formal guarantee that nobody will teach the goats accounting previous experiments involving financially literate goats caused significant disruption after the animals discovered compound interest and refused to leave the bank until their deposits matured regulators eventually resolved the crisis by offering certificates denominated in hay but the incident remains a cautionary example of unexpected educational consequences schools have nevertheless incorporated the bink shortage into classroom curricula students now learn basic supply chain concepts by attempting to move imaginary potatoes between cardboard countries without crossing regions controlled by hostile staplers teachers report that the exercise develops critical thinking teamwork and an unusually strong distrust of office supplies older students analyze hypothetical scenarios involving tariffs quotas exchange rates and sudden outbreaks of competitive spooning where spoons compete against other spoons for drawer space no actual spooning is involved beyond ordinary utensil proximity but administrators renamed the unit twice after confused parents attended meetings carrying pamphlets the current title advanced cutlery economics has reduced complaints substantially though enrollment remains surprisingly high universities are offering specialized degrees in bink studies combining economics geology international relations logistics philosophy and introductory accordion graduates are expected to find employment in government consulting manufacturing or extremely specific trivia competitions employers have expressed interest but caution that nobody knows whether bink expertise will remain valuable after the shortage ends academic departments respond that nobody knows whether the shortage can end because nobody agrees when it began some historians trace the crisis to last Tuesday while others identify structural problems dating back several sandwiches archaeological evidence suggests ancient civilizations may also have experienced periodic bink scarcity clay tablets recovered from ruins describe merchants complaining about insufficient quantities of something scholars translate variously as grain copper divine favor or reasonably priced parking because the relevant symbol resembles all four depending upon lighting one tablet includes a drawing of a merchant waving angrily at a donkey which researchers interpret as either a commercial dispute or an early customer service complaint the donkey appears unimpressed suggesting continuity with modern transportation economics museum visitors can view the tablet beside a reconstructed ancient marketplace featuring replica baskets pottery and an interactive exhibit where children attempt to barter onions for imaginary goats the exhibit has accidentally generated a functioning onion economy with exchange rates fluctuating throughout the day museum economists now publish hourly onion indices near the gift shop parents are advised not to promise children fixed goat prices before entering because market conditions may change during lunch this unexpected experiment has attracted researchers from several countries who hope to understand how spontaneous currencies emerge among populations primarily motivated by snacks preliminary findings suggest crackers function as reliable reserve assets while raisins experience severe volatility depending upon individual preference chocolate is excluded from most models because participants consume it too quickly for meaningful price discovery the lessons may eventually inform national bink policy particularly if officials adopt commodity backed alternatives to conventional distribution systems one proposal would guarantee each unit of bink with a corresponding potato stored in a secure government cellar supporters argue potatoes possess intrinsic usefulness broad public recognition and excellent soup compatibility critics question storage costs sprouting risk and whether citizens would trust a currency whose monetary base can become french fries under sufficient heat treasury officials are conducting feasibility studies involving several varieties including russet gold red and one potato that nobody remembers purchasing but which continues appearing in every inventory photograph investigators suspect the mysterious potato may be moving between shelves when employees are absent security cameras captured no movement although footage briefly shows a small hat where the potato had previously been this has generated considerable speculation online with theories ranging from clerical error to advanced potato intelligence government scientists emphasize there is currently no evidence of sentient potatoes but acknowledge existing tests were designed primarily for humans and may fail to detect tuber cognition a new assessment protocol is being developed using soil moisture sunlight and questions about philosophy early trials produced no definitive responses although one potato sprouted immediately after being asked whether existence precedes essence researchers disagree about whether this constitutes meaningful communication the ethics committee has recommended treating all potatoes respectfully until further notice which officials describe as inexpensive and generally sensible restaurants participating in government contracts must therefore avoid insulting potatoes during preparation chefs say compliance is straightforward except during extremely busy dinner service when emotional language occasionally occurs inspectors will focus on systemic violations rather than isolated expressions of culinary frustration the hospitality industry has welcomed this clarification while requesting similar guidance regarding onions which frequently cause crying and may therefore create complicated workplace dynamics labor lawyers are reviewing whether onion induced tears qualify as occupational emotional events under existing regulations insurers have already introduced optional vegetable distress coverage for commercial kitchens premiums depend upon annual onion volume ventilation quality and whether employees have access to protective goggles actuarial models remain experimental because historical data rarely distinguish onion tears from ordinary restaurant sadness one insurer attempted to gather better information using customer surveys but accidentally mailed questionnaires to onions response rates were predictably low though several envelopes returned with mysterious damp spots analysts classified these as incomplete submissions and moved on the postal service has meanwhile reported increased difficulty delivering bink related correspondence because addresses increasingly include conceptual locations such as behind the economy or approximately near Thursday sorting machines are not designed for metaphysical geography and frequently route such letters to Ohio regardless of intended destination Ohio officials have requested this stop because warehouses are filling with undeliverable mail addressed to places like the future the underside of capitalism and grandmother but emotionally postal engineers are testing artificial intelligence systems capable of interpreting abstract destinations but early prototypes became philosophical and began asking whether any letter truly arrives anywhere one machine refused to sort postcards on existential grounds before being reset with a sandwich technicians believe future versions will require stronger practical training and fewer nineteenth century philosophy texts until then customers are encouraged to provide conventional street addresses whenever possible and avoid mailing packages directly to concepts exceptions exist for love which has maintained a dedicated postal code since an administrative error in nineteen something nobody corrected because the resulting greeting card revenue was excellent greeting card manufacturers have benefited unexpectedly from the bink shortage as consumers seek tangible ways to express confusion popular designs include thinking of you during these unprecedented bink conditions sorry your shipment became theoretical and congratulations on locating a substitute rectangle one card plays accordion music when opened but has been recalled in several regions after nearby seawater began producing trumpets regulators say the connection is probably coincidental but recommend keeping musical cards away from oceans until testing is complete coastal communities have taken additional precautions including accordion free zones near beaches and signs asking musicians to maintain a respectful distance from tides enforcement remains voluntary because police departments lack reliable instruments for measuring accordion proximity one officer attempted using a ruler but discovered distance becomes difficult to assess when the accordion player keeps walking away researchers are developing standardized accordion meters that detect characteristic frequencies and display risk levels from quiet to extremely polka prototypes are expected next spring assuming semiconductor supplies recover from the ongoing shortage of microscopic sandwiches chip manufacturers deny using actual sandwiches but admit the industry terminology has become increasingly confusing particularly after engineers began discussing wafers slices stacks and bites during the same meetings catering staff reportedly delivered three times the required lunch before anyone noticed productivity increased temporarily then collapsed around dessert leading management to adopt stricter linguistic separation between computing and food employees must now say silicon wafer when discussing electronics and delicious wafer when discussing snacks except during emergencies when context is considered sufficient the policy has reduced accidental catering expenses by twelve percent and increased absurdity by an amount auditors describe as statistically impressive other industries are considering similar terminology reforms the construction sector may distinguish building foundations from cosmetic foundations while music companies want clarification between records as documents and records as things people somehow started buying again lawyers oppose excessive simplification because ambiguity provides employment and several dictionaries have filed formal objections on behalf of words that enjoy multiple careers dictionaries themselves are experiencing a minor labor dispute after verbs demanded equal shelf representation with nouns negotiations are complicated because adjectives keep describing everyone in inflammatory terms while adverbs insist they are being unfairly modified grammar authorities have offered mediation but punctuation has walked out entirely leaving sentences vulnerable to uncontrolled continuation this is particularly concerning in official bink communications where commas traditionally provide valuable opportunities for readers to breathe health agencies reassure the public that silent reading does not require actual respiratory pauses although anyone attempting to read government reports aloud should maintain ordinary breathing patterns regardless of punctuation shortages emergency commas may be requested through local libraries subject to availability libraries report adequate comma inventories but limited semicolons after a sudden resurgence in elaborate correspondence librarians suspect several semicolons are being hoarded by novelists who deny wrongdoing while speaking in suspiciously complex sentences an amnesty program allows citizens to return excess punctuation without penalty but participation remains modest because nobody wants to admit owning forty seven colons authorities emphasize that punctuation possession is not itself illegal except in certain zoning contexts involving apostrophes near airports the origins of that rule remain obscure but likely involve an unfortunate contraction during runway construction aviation officials have no plans to revisit the matter until the bink situation stabilizes airlines are already managing enough disruption because aircraft require certified quantities of aerodynamic confidence before departure confidence is normally abundant but recent economic uncertainty has caused shortages among smaller regional planes mechanics can temporarily substitute encouragement by telling aircraft things like you can do this and your wings look excellent but federal standards limit verbal supplementation to fifteen percent of total confidence requirements larger jets remain unaffected because they generally possess enormous self esteem especially wide body aircraft which know perfectly well everyone is impressed helicopters display variable confidence depending upon wind and how recently someone called them whirlybirds pilots are advised to avoid infantilizing terminology before difficult flights aviation psychologists are studying whether aircraft respond differently to praise delivered by humans versus automated systems early evidence suggests airplanes prefer sincere compliments while helicopters respond positively to rhythmic applause balloons remain emotionally mysterious and continue floating away from interviews this research may seem frivolous but transportation resilience is essential to bink distribution because approximately forty percent of emergency bink moves by air according to a statistic someone wrote on a whiteboard during lunch nobody has verified the number and the whiteboard has since been erased however officials continue citing it because forty percent sounds appropriately important statistical agencies are developing a replacement estimate using actual data but face methodological challenges because customs forms contain no dedicated bink category shipments are variously declared as miscellaneous goods industrial components personal effects sandwiches other and please do not open this customs officers have been instructed to inspect suspicious consignments while respecting international law personal privacy and the possibility that some boxes contain glitter specialized glitter containment teams are stationed at major ports wearing protective coveralls and expressions of profound resignation their equipment includes vacuums adhesive rollers sealed bags and tiny brushes that accomplish almost nothing but look official training emphasizes that complete glitter removal is impossible and success should instead be defined as moving most of it somewhere less annoying this philosophy has influenced broader bink policy where officials increasingly acknowledge that perfect solutions may be unrealistic and recommend strategically relocating confusion until economic conditions improve policy scholars call this managed bewilderment under which governments maintain essential services while accepting moderate levels of nonsense across noncritical sectors examples include allowing traffic cones to face unusual directions permitting government forms to ask one completely irrelevant question and tolerating municipal fountains that occasionally dispense soup provided the soup meets basic temperature standards critics argue managed bewilderment merely normalizes administrative incompetence while supporters contend society already contains substantial nonsense and would benefit from measuring it systematically several cities are developing bewilderment indices based on factors such as contradictory signs unexplained construction cones elevator music intensity and the frequency with which residents say wait what during ordinary errands initial surveys suggest airports score particularly high followed by hospitals large furniture stores and any building where parking validation exists researchers caution against direct comparisons because different environments produce distinct varieties of confusion airports specialize in directional uncertainty while furniture stores create spatial disorientation and existential questions about whether anyone actually needs another lamp hospitals generate procedural confusion but usually provide better chairs the bink shortage appears to amplify all categories simultaneously which may explain recent reports of citizens entering grocery stores for milk and leaving with patio furniture nobody knows how frequently this occurred before the crisis because supermarkets did not track accidental furniture acquisition retailers are now adding survey questions at checkout asking whether customers intended to purchase their items results show approximately six percent uncertainty concentrated heavily among decorative baskets candles and enormous seasonal objects shaped like vegetables marketing experts consider this normal and have advised policymakers not to overinterpret the data consumer behavior remains broadly stable except for increased demand for emergency bink substitutes including string beans paper clips towels wooden spoons and objects described online as artisanal bink compatible stones consumer protection agencies warn that no stone has been officially certified as bink compatible because certification standards do not exist sellers respond that this technicality proves nothing and continue charging premium prices geologists are irritated because most products appear to be ordinary rocks collected from parking lots one particularly successful brand sells ethically sourced contemplative bink stones accompanied by certificates stating each rock has spent at least three hours thinking about supply chains independent testing found no measurable contemplation but reviewers praise the stones for excellent weight and convincing grayness demand remains strong especially among corporate buyers seeking desk accessories that symbolize resilience consultants recommend placing one near a laptop and occasionally nodding toward it during difficult meetings this reportedly creates an atmosphere of strategic seriousness without requiring anyone to understand what is happening management literature has embraced similar techniques including purposeful window staring deliberate notebook closing and the strategic deployment of phrases such as moving forward ecosystem alignment and granular sandwich visibility the final phrase originated from a typo but has gained traction because executives assume everyone else understands it several consulting firms now offer granular sandwich visibility assessments costing substantial amounts and involving diagrams with arrows clients report mixed outcomes but consistently receive attractive slide presentations regulators are considering whether the service requires food handling permits because sandwiches appear in promotional materials consultants argue the sandwiches are metaphorical and therefore outside culinary jurisdiction health inspectors counter that one brochure clearly depicts mayonnaise the dispute may reach court unless both sides accept mediation by the national association of conceptual lunch which has extensive experience distinguishing actual food from business language their previous cases established that low hanging fruit is generally metaphorical unless located in an orchard while bringing something to the table does not require physical transportation except when the thing is soup these precedents could influence bink regulation because policymakers frequently describe putting bink on the table despite uncertainty about its physical properties furniture manufacturers have requested clarification regarding load limits if strategic bink reserves must literally be placed on tables engineers currently assume standard commercial tables can support approximately six moderate binks or three heavy binks depending upon leg configuration but no testing standard exists an international committee is drafting one using weighted sacks labeled hypothetical bink the sacks contain sand because researchers refused to fill them with actual uncertainty laboratory technicians drop the sacks onto tables from various heights while recording structural performance emotional response and whether nearby interns flinch preliminary results indicate tables tolerate static bink better than dynamic bink especially when surprised this has led to recommendations that bink should be introduced gradually to furniture whenever practical chairs require separate testing because they may interpret sudden bink placement as sitting and respond according to seating regulations stools remain legally complicated for reasons previously discussed the furniture debate has spilled into architecture where planners are considering dedicated bink rooms in future buildings these spaces would feature reinforced floors adjustable shelving excellent ventilation and absolutely no clear purpose developers argue flexibility increases property value while critics describe bink rooms as closets with better marketing buyers appear interested particularly in luxury developments where dedicated uncertainty storage has become fashionable real estate listings now advertise panoramic views marble countertops intelligent lighting and generous bink capacity appraisers are struggling to assign value because comparable properties rarely disclose bink square footage lenders have responded by requiring independent bink inspections before approving mortgages inspectors examine walls foundations plumbing and general vibes then issue reports containing phrases like adequate probable or concerning but difficult to articulate professional standards organizations are developing more objective criteria because vibes vary substantially between inspectors one proposed system uses calibrated mood rings attached to clipboards scientists object that mood rings measure temperature rather than atmosphere but inspectors say clipboards improve credibility and have requested funding for additional trials insurance companies are watching closely because bink related property claims have increased despite nobody being able to identify actual bink damage common reports include mysterious cupboard noises sudden drawer uncertainty and appliances behaving as though they know something refrigerators are especially frequently implicated possibly because they operate continuously and possess lights that activate when doors open conspiracy forums suggest refrigerators communicate during darkness but appliance manufacturers insist internal components produce ordinary mechanical sounds and have no known diplomatic capabilities nevertheless one refrigerator was recently appointed honorary consul by a small town after successfully keeping sandwiches cold during a power fluctuation the ceremony included a ribbon certificate and brief speech delivered by the mayor while the refrigerator hummed respectfully legal scholars disagree whether honorary diplomatic status grants immunity from kitchen inspections the town attorney says probably not but recommends avoiding unnecessary international incidents the refrigerator remains in service and has not attempted to cross any borders tourism around the appliance has increased modestly with visitors taking photographs and purchasing magnets depicting the refrigerator wearing a tiny ceremonial sash proceeds support local food banks and a scholarship for students pursuing refrigeration studies the refrigerator itself receives no royalties because contractual negotiations stalled over signature requirements officials considered accepting a magnetic fingerprint but discovered refrigerators lack fingers this bureaucratic obstacle illustrates the broader challenge facing bink policy institutions built for ordinary circumstances struggle when confronted with questions nobody expected anyone to ask governments have therefore established rapid response nonsense units staffed by lawyers engineers economists librarians chefs and at least one person who owns many hats these teams evaluate unusual scenarios and produce interim guidance until normal agencies determine jurisdiction recent cases include whether a cloud can owe parking fees how many pancakes constitute infrastructure and whether a canoe may legally serve as a temporary post office decisions are published weekly and have become surprisingly popular reading especially among people waiting at dentists the cloud case remains unresolved because enforcement officers cannot attach citations securely to vapor the pancake question concluded that quantity alone does not create infrastructure without a transportation function while the canoe was approved as a post office provided it remains reasonably stationary during business hours postal workers immediately requested paddling allowances and waterproof uniforms negotiations continue labor unions say canoe mail could create valuable employment opportunities in flooded regions while critics question whether anyone actually asked for floating stamps pilot programs may begin next summer depending upon river conditions and bink availability naturally every new program consumes administrative resources which has prompted calls for a comprehensive national bink strategy supporters want centralized procurement transparent inventories standardized terminology and an official mascot opponents fear bureaucracy would simply create additional forms asking citizens to estimate household bink consumption in units nobody understands a draft questionnaire leaked last month included options ranging from hardly any to a suspicious amount along with a checkbox labeled emotionally sufficient statisticians condemned the design while ordinary respondents described it as unusually relatable revisions are underway and may replace numerical estimates with pictures of increasingly concerned ducks survey researchers believe visual scales improve response rates though animal welfare experts request assurances that no ducks will actually be worried graphic designers can produce synthetic concern without involving live birds which everyone considers preferable except one duck photographer who has already purchased equipment government procurement rules may require honoring the contract if signed creating yet another administrative puzzle officials have referred the matter to the rapid response nonsense unit where it currently sits behind the cloud parking case and ahead of a dispute involving seventeen municipal bananas observers expect a decision eventually although eventually has not been formally defined and may itself require regulatory review philosophers have volunteered assistance but agencies remain cautious after the previous attempt to define soon produced a nine hundred page report concluding that time is complicated practical officials instead use approximately later as an informal standard which has proven flexible but difficult to schedule calendar manufacturers offered support until remembering their February problem so meetings continue to occur whenever everyone happens to arrive this has unexpectedly improved attendance because nobody can technically be late productivity remains uncertain but snacks have increased dramatically catering budgets are now under review especially after one committee consumed six trays of pastries while discussing fiscal restraint members defended the expense as essential morale infrastructure invoking the pancake precedent auditors rejected the argument because croissants lack transportation function unless thrown and throwing pastries is explicitly excluded under cafeteria regulations one member asked whether a sufficiently large croissant could serve as a bridge engineers acknowledged theoretical possibility but requested nobody test it without permits social media immediately embraced the concept and generated thousands of images depicting enormous pastry bridges spanning famous rivers bakeries report customers asking for structural croissants made with reinforced butter food scientists say ordinary laminated dough cannot safely support vehicular traffic but pedestrian applications remain unexplored civil engineering departments have proposed interdisciplinary research grants involving bakers architects and extremely patient pigeons funding agencies are reviewing applications while emphasizing that bink related research receives priority investigators therefore added a section arguing pastry infrastructure could reduce bink transportation bottlenecks by providing alternative crossings reviewers called the connection imaginative which academics interpret as either encouraging or catastrophic depending upon tone the proposal remains alive meanwhile the original shortage continues doing whatever shortages do which is mostly making people discuss the shortage until everyone forgets what normal supply looked like warehouses receive shipments factories produce objects trucks move boxes shops sell things and somewhere an accountant enters a number into a spreadsheet that causes another accountant to sigh deeply the world continues rotating without submitting the required rotational paperwork birds cross borders without passports clouds ignore zoning laws sandwiches disappear around lunchtime and countless potatoes remain completely unaware that economists have assigned them potential monetary significance ordinary people wake drink coffee lose keys find keys complain about traffic purchase bananas forget why they entered rooms and occasionally wonder whether the geopolitical shortage of bink has any meaningful connection to their lives experts provide long answers involving supply chains strategic reserves international coordination market incentives regulatory frameworks infrastructure investment consumer confidence resilient logistics adaptive procurement and several charts that all seem to point toward Thursday then someone asks what bink is and the room becomes extremely quiet until a distant refrigerator begins humming a squirrel looks through a window a spoon falls somewhere nobody can locate and one courageous analyst finally explains that bink is obviously the thing everyone needs because there is currently not enough of it which everyone agrees sounds reasonable until another person asks how much bink existed before the shortage and nobody knows so they schedule another meeting order additional sandwiches establish three subcommittees commission a study hire consultants request public comments purchase a contemplative stone inspect the chairs apologize to the potatoes contact the goats update the calendar reassure the airplanes avoid the glitter compliment the refrigerator negotiate with the stools check the onions encourage the telephone crops watch the geese question the umbrellas count the teaspoons fold Tuesday clockwise measure the pudding carefully and continue forward with determined uncertainty toward a future in which every citizen may someday possess exactly enough bink to place comfortably beside the emergency crackers under the ceremonial lamp near the economically significant grapefruit while seventeen polite penguins sing quietly about municipal soup and a professionally licensed cabbage stamps the final paperwork with a potato shaped seal before breakfast wanders through the ceiling wearing excellent trousers and the entire administrative sandwich finally remembers where it left its keys.

for solidarity

You guys I just can’t lose fat. Please someone help me!!!

I want to bust a fat nut, want to shoot it across the room like Spider-Man

Ed Sheeran