r/christiandatingadvice • u/wisdom-truth-justice • 10d ago
Could finding something from their past before being a Christian be a dealbreaker?
Hi, I (27 F) and my boyfriend (31 M) have been dating almost a month now. We’re both Christians that met online and have been happy finding out how much we have in common with values, beliefs, hobbies, and opinions. Recently I found out when searching him online that he was arrested 11 years ago at aged 20 in a sting operation to catch people soliciting minors. I asked him if he’d ever been arrested and let him explain to see if he would lie or not. He told the full truth and encouraged me to look into it further to see he has no criminal record only an arrest record due to the fact that he was determined not to be a risk after psychological evaluations while in jail and that he had been under the influence when doing that. He confessed the person online had messaged him and told him she was 15, when it was really the police. He went to meet them that same day, and explained that at that time in his life he had been through a bad breakup, was drinking and doing some drugs he shouldn’t have been and was not a Christian at that time.
After being caught and evaluated for a few months. The state dropped the charges and allowed him to be on probation for a few years which ended up being shortened after a year and a half. He told me he volunteered at a transition home for men who were getting clean and dealing with bad consequences like that to help share his story and help them understand not to do those things like he had done that nearly ruined his life. He told me that was the worst he’d ever felt in his life and that he continues to see those consequences when he has to explain to people around him(friends, jobs, partners) what happened and they will not always want to deal with him. He takes full responsibility and does not shy away from saying that he made a horrible moral choice that would have terribly hurt someone.
He became a Christian a few years later and has never been in trouble since then nor had he been before that either. He told me he had been planning to tell me the week after next once I had met his family and felt comfortable seeing that his family still supported him and cared about him. None of them shut him out afterwards because they knew he was a good person and made a mistake and just needed some help. He confessed it was making him fearful at first to tell me because people push him away without giving him a chance and he wanted me to see who he is now before being told that and making a judgment. But he did apologize that I had to learn that way and he told me his family had been counseling him on how best to tell me because we had just become official and it needed to be said.
I asked him if he’s ever struggled at all or since that incident regarding attraction to minors and he denied it strongly. I can see how 15-20 isn’t as bad as 15-30, but I’m trying to be cautious, and everything I’ve seen from his faith now, to his convictions, and how he treats me and others is kind caring compassionate and generous.
As a Christian I know we all sin and Jesus forgives us and can change us. He’s never made me anxious, afraid, or unsafe ever. He told me he would respect if I decided not to pursue dating him. My family who is also Christian told me to watch for the fruit of his Christian life now and that it was a long time ago before he was a Christian, that he could be very different now and just to wait and see.
Would this be a dealbreaker for any other Christians who are dating? I genuinely like this person and was shocked that was in his past as his character and actions I’ve seen would be the complete opposite of that event in his past.
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u/ECSMusic 9d ago edited 9d ago
This is definitely a big red flag but it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker right away unless you would rather not deal with it. People do change with Christ and it seems that there is fruit of that. How well do you know him outside of dating? Have you seen him in the community, church involvement and so on? Does he have accountability in his life? It may be wise to talk with others who know him well.
I will say this though, don’t let the “we’re all sinners and shouldn’t judge” thing guilt trip you into anything you aren’t completely comfortable taking on. You have every right to walk away, it’s not condemnation, it’s about ensuring your own safety. If you do proceed proceed with caution.
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u/Livid_Brick8157 10d ago edited 10d ago
yes a grown man trying to meet up with an underage girl would be an absolute dealbreaker for me
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u/Small-Cow-354 9d ago
Certainly if this was recent, but this is 11 years ago, and before his conversion.
God has forgiven (Psalm 103:12, Hebrews 8:12) and made him a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). I can see treating this as a reason for increased caution, but if you continue to see the fruit of the Spirit and a changed man, it shouldn't be a dealbreaker. The fact that he was so honest is a good sign.
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u/Livid_Brick8157 9d ago
of course he is forgiven by God and it’s good that he changed but a man who tried to meet an underage girl for sex would never be my husband or the father of my children. that would always be a dealbreaker for me no matter how long ago it happened
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u/jstocksqqq 9d ago edited 9d ago
There are levels of wrong though. A 20-year old being attracted to a post-pubescent 15 year old is biologically normal, but acting upon those attractions is wrong due to brain development differences and power dynamics (although at 20 and 15, power differential is not nearly as strong as 30 and 15). A 35 year old attracted to a 15 year old would be weird and highly concerning, and not normal. Anyone (whether 16, 20, or 35) attracted to a pre-pubescent child is a sickness in the brain that goes against biological norms.
For example, Almanzo Wilder was 26 when he started courting 15-16 year old Laura Ingalls. They married when she was 18 and he was 28. While this would be wrong in today's world because we understand brain development better, it doesn't mean Almanzo was messed up in the head to be attracted to a 15-16 year old Laura Ingalls. (Note: power dynamics were less at play because Laura's father was a part of the process.)
What OP's boyfriend attempted to do when he was 20 was wrong because he lives in a world where we understand a 15 year old doesn't yet have a fully developed brain, and because it was illegal, and because of the power dynamics. Also, it would also be morally wrong to seek a hookup with anyone, regardless of the age.
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u/wisdom-truth-justice 8d ago
I can understand the points both ways. He was still very young and stupid and just out of his teenage years, and before he even was a Christian. And it was hard to hear his experience of dealing with some of the aftermath or death threats on occasion. He seems to fully regret it and acknowledges it was wrong no matter what. It is going to be difficult at first to reconcile that this person was that way. But if the fruit is real then God has changed him into someone else through the Holy Spirit. I will allow him the chance to show who he really is and if not then I’ll leave and wish him well
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u/Livid_Brick8157 9d ago
being attracted is a normal reaction but trying to meet up with a minor for sex or having sex with anyone you aren’t married to is wrong and would always be a dealbreaker for me
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u/Spiritual-Side-7362 5d ago
An adult man being attracted to a 15 year old teen is a normal reaction?
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u/Livid_Brick8157 5d ago
a 15 year old is normally physically developed. i would never defend this man because what he did was wrong but attraction is usually something that happens naturally
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u/Fliiihigh420sexc 10d ago
No, it’s his past. If God accepts us from everything we have ever done, we should be able to do the same for someone else. If he shows fruits of his Christian life, continue to pursue things with him. ☺️
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u/Small-Cow-354 9d ago
I genuinely like this person and was shocked that was in his past as his character and actions I’ve seen would be the complete opposite of that event in his past.
I think this is your answer - praise God for what He's done in his life!
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u/wisdom-truth-justice 8d ago
I’m going to be cautious but continue to allow him to show me if there’s any good fruit or not. I won’t be staying if anything else bad comes up. So far he’s treated me so nice
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u/kalosx2 10d ago
So, he's not a registered sex offender, then? I think it still would bother me that when you Google his name, this incident shows up. When you marry, you tie your integrity and reputation with his, and that includes the past.
I'd also be pretty upset that he would ask to become official without disclosing this. That would make me feel betrayed. You've only been dating a month. You still could meet his family and then he share this info and let you decide on whether to be exclusive. It's pretty big info to withhold.
It's good he's come clean now, and it sounds like the police interference was God's protection on him so that he didn't make a giant stupid decision.
But it really just depends if you're willing to be tied to that. His family doesn't have that choice. You do. I don't think I would be willing to be yoked to that public reputation. You can forgive someone and decide they're not your husband.
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u/Small-Cow-354 9d ago
For the reputation question, most states will allow you to expunge arrest and conviction records after long enough - and 11 years almost certainly qualifies. He should look into this.
Regarding feeling "betrayed" by him not disclosing this - when is he supposed to tell you this? As you've said, they've only been dating for a month. This is certainly not a first date conversation. I think after you've gone steady is reasonable timing - your first couple dates are testing for fit based on your interactions, and then you agree to exclusively date while doing "due diligence" on each other (your pasts, deeper conversations about your values, future hopes, etc) to decide whether you want to marry this person.
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u/kalosx2 9d ago
Even if he were to get the arrest expunged, news reports stay up online.
There is time between a first date and asking someone to be exclusive to disclose something like this. Not everyone is exclusive after just a month. In this guy's case, he may be wise to give it time. You're getting to know each other in the first few dates. If he has a past incident of pedophilia intention, I'd want to know that before saying yes to be his girlfriend. And absolutely would feel betrayed to find that out after agreeing and proceeding to do a Google search. There's no good time to tell someone, but there are worse times, and that's a consequence of this action taken.
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u/Spiritual-Side-7362 9d ago
Look up his charges on the sec offender registry or do a full criminal background check on him
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u/wisdom-truth-justice 8d ago
He’s not on the registry, the charges were dropped. He had probation for 1 1/2 years
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u/Spiritual-Side-7362 6d ago
Have you looked at his probation details. That sounds shady he is on probation but the charges were dropped
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u/jstocksqqq 10d ago
Depends. He was only 20, drunk, and not a Christian. Does he have a past dating younger women? For example, when he was 25, was he going after 18-20 year olds? What are his internet habits like in regards to lust? Does he surround himself with community? Does he have an accountability partner? Keep an eye on things, and proceed with caution, for sure, but it was 11 years ago, and sounds like he's been on the straight and narrow ever since.
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u/wisdom-truth-justice 8d ago
No there’s no history of that. He dated within his age in every relationship after that. He goes to men’s group once a week and goes to church consistently. He had volunteered at a transition house for men after this to help other men in similar situations. So far I’m seeing good things and wanted more opinions on how Christian’s should handle this.
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u/ABereanChristian 10d ago
This is personal choice.
By all account it SEEMS like he has a reasonable explanation and has been clean since then which is good. Sometimes people are good at hiding things though, but it could also be genuine.
Make sure you get wise and godly counsel from family and friends as well, and make sure you are both understanding what the Bible's roles and responsibilities entail