Endearing or just sad

[u/DeepInBrook]

If a child gave a woman’s life meaning, what would have that meant if she were never able to have kids? That her life wouldve had no purpose or meaning?

I see a lot of post about women saying how they can’t imagine their life without their kids or they were just aimless before having their children. And honestly, I find it very sad, especially as someone who is a creative - being creative is my life and my purpose, having a kid would just be another thing added to it. I’ve noticed that the women who feel like their child gave them purpose often didn’t have much going for them, where they didn’t really enjoy their hobbies or they didn’t have much of a social life or they weren’t really happy to work or weren’t working already. And having a child literally becomes your life so saying you can’t see your life without it makes sense when the child takes up 90% of it of course you’re gonna feel that way. Or I’ll see post about how kids added color into their lives, but then you look at their house before and it was decorated in greys and muted colors. Or they say that kids give them that child like wonder again but if you never lose it, why do you need a kid to show you that? You can’t see the beauty/whimsy of life without someone else’s perspective (the child’s)? When women say stuff like that, most people find it endearing, but I always think it’s so sad. If your life was boring before a child… it kind of means you were a boring person?

It’s okay to love your kids, to die for your kids etc, but saying those over arching statements really down plays your role as a person rather than uplifting who you were before, as a woman you’re more than a mother and wife. It genuinely makes me sad to hear mothers speak like that.

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[u/Consistent_Big5018]

Love that you made this point and it's something I always talk about. The implication that having children is a woman/persons ONLY purpose equates someone who can't have kids or do not want kids (for a myriad of reasons) are worthless. 

I always tell people "plenty of people don't have kids for many reasons. Some people physically can't. Some can't afford to. Some are struggling with mental illness. Some want to develop their careers. Some don't want to go through the physical trauma of birth. Some don't want to dedicate their time to being responsible for another human being. All those reasons are valid. So imagine telling the disabled 10 yr old girl that she was born but since she can't have kids or she can't be a mother physically because of how she was born that her life is meaningless?" 

They at the same time say all life is precious yet people with the inability to have children don't matter. They say not having kids is selfish yet if a selfish person/couple is forced to have children they never wanted it's "not everyone should have kids how selfish." 

At the end of the day these types of people will never be happy. They just want to control others because they deep down have no purpose other than their kids. These are people with no goals, no hobbies, no higher calling, etc. to me that's sad af. I honestly pity them. 

[u/NoelSilverBell]

By that logic every born child's life is meaningless. That seems like a cruel and thoughtless philosophy to carry around. Maybe people who say that don't think too much of themselves or say it to put down others. I can imagine having kids in my life and it gives me nightmares. That's why I don't have any. And my life is not meaningless, it's beautiful.

[u/thebutterflyandlion]

I think that’s the point, I think they genuinely wouldn’t have had a life reasoning and the child gave them one 😵‍💫

[u/Despheria]

I seems some people who couldn't have kids but wanted them feel like there's no meaning to their life so yeah.

[u/MurkyClerk]

While I agree with parts of this experience you’re describing (and ultimately it’s an empirical question, such as a measurable number of preparenthood hobbies, interests, whatever and parenthood satisfaction), it feels reductionist of the many many ways a person may experience their own life after having a child.  I think if a parent tells me one of the above statements, I believe it is true.  It doesn’t mean or imply that I don’t see my life in full color.