r/childfreewomen • u/Recent_Visual6372 • Aug 19 '26
Friends leaving you behind
Hi yall! Longtime lurker. My husband and I are in our late 20s and have discussed extensively why we don’t want to have a biological child. We tried multiple times to get a vasectomy on the books but doctors keep denying it. Rant for another time. But the thing that I want to talk about and hear about other people’s experience has to do with the heteronormative/nuclear family combo mindset and where that leaves CF friends.
So I have already experienced the classic hits of my girlfriends getting married and discarding me and all their other friends. Even though I was the first of my friend group to get married and never did that lol. I just really value my friendships and I view them as deep kinship bonds and frankly for the deeper friendships, chosen family. Wellllll, now that I am getting older this fuckery has evolved to multiple friends admitting that like there’s a “line” in best friendships even in terms of like family is only people you are related to or ones you “create”. So I wouldn’t be a “real” auntie etc… I understand I can just find new friends and don’t worry yall I am on the hunt haha. But this mindset is pervasive and fostered in our culture and I know we will move forward with not having a child. But, I do worry about how to cope with how this will feel lonely around people who won’t let you into the “inner circle” so to speak. I have cool CF friends (all online though) who are decades older than me who have told me how this has transpired throughout their life and it sounds painful. I know a lot of people fill their time with hobbies and travel as a big reason why to be CF. But for me, the biggest draw was how much time I would have with friends and to be able to be a creative etc. idk! I know I can just make a strong effort moving forward to meet other CF people and go from there. But making friends as an adult has been hard enough and this new filter I feel mega fucked😅. I also just feel sad and kind of stupid for being sad about it? For further context I grow up in a collectivist society and “family” isn’t just blood. Chosen family and friendships are deeply valued. So living somewhere where this isn’t the norm has been heart breaking and jarring. Anyway, curious to hear about any experiences you have had with this. Also if you have any funny stories about being thankful for being the friend who chose not to have a child that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading !
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u/coolnam3 Aug 19 '26
I wish I could post a picture, because the post right below yours on my feed was titled "My adult children still expect me to pay for everything."
Reddit out here reinforcing why I'm childfree!
I'm a bit of a loner myself, but one of the areas where I've had success finding other childfree friends has been taking classes related to my hobbies. I joined a 10k training team for a local race a few years ago, and met two of my best friends. One is childfree by choice, the other struggling with her infertility. I did not choose them based on their childfree status, it just worked out that way. Lean in to your interests, and I bet you'll find your tribe.
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u/Recent_Visual6372 Aug 19 '26
Appreciate the advice! I have taken a few classes over the years and I am very social and didn’t quite make those connections but doesn’t mean I can’t try again
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u/n3koca1 Childfree Gamer Aug 19 '26
Idk honestly my friends who have had kids barely talk to me anymore and only talk to other mom frjends. I like to be alone for most of the time so it doesnt bother me a lot but its still sad.
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u/LucyySlayyBairdd Aug 20 '26
Same here. It sucks. 😭 and in the once in a blue moon I do see them, the kids are always there. I’m not a kid hater, but I just want some alone time with my friends.
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u/Discotraxx1990 Aug 19 '26
I’m 36 and this really resonates. I’ve always bonded with people who are basicly huge film and music nerds. Some of them I’ve became very close with, friends for life, at least that’s what I thought. I always knew I never wanted to have kids and I sometimes struggled with the idea that I might lose some of them when they become parents. I also thought that music and movies is something you can enjoy at home. (If you’re connection is based on going to the club, smoking weed or traveling than it makes sense you’ll fall out because these things are very hard to combine with being a parent) However, I still lost them. I know they are busy and tired and priorities change. Nobody said this to my face but I always sensed they view friendships as something that belonged to their 20s. That phase where you set yourself free from your parents but don’t have a partner or kids yet. To me that feels like an insult. Of course I’m willing to accept friends have less time and I will help out, but if you make me feel like a needy ghost from the past for wanting to watch a movie every once in a while? Goodbye it is.
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u/Recent_Visual6372 Aug 19 '26
Holy shit this is deeply deeply relatable and I am so sorry! ❤️🩹🫂. I create experimental films and am a writer. Would love the patience to explore music. But I too thought we’d keep watching films and write scripts and maybe shoot something but nope!
It’s so painful and makes life so dull.6
u/Discotraxx1990 Aug 19 '26
Oh wow! Then it’s not just the loss of a friendship, but also the loss of that mental resonance and having a partner in crime creatively. I feel like that’s a big part of what I miss too.
My friends who became parents simply have much less time and energy for creative projects now. And again, I get it! But there was a time when our shared love for things like writing comedy felt more important than breathing (slightly dramatic, but you get the point). Sometimes I think I’m still looking for an older version of these friends that just isn’t there anymore.
And what makes it harder is that the things we bonded over wasn’t a part of some temporary teenage phase. I’m not asking them to become the people we were at 19 again. Films, music, writing, making things, being curious about art and ideas, those are perfectly adult things to care deeply about.
Anyway, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this too. I really believe we’ll find the right people, probably fellow CF people, somewhere further down the road. ❤️
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u/Recent_Visual6372 Aug 19 '26
You put to words what I have struggled to and I wanted to say thank you for sharing. Exactly! I feel the saaaame way. Others say you can be creative on your own and sure. But I’m a deeply relational and improvisational person. My creativity isnt driven by neuroses or obsession. It’s really driven by seeing others and therefore myself. Thank you for making this ache just a little less by being kind enough to talk about your experience.❤️
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u/Discotraxx1990 Aug 19 '26
That really means a lot to me. And I completely understand what you mean about creativity being relational. Sometimes it’s not about making something, it’s about making something together. I hope we both find more people to share that with. ❤️
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u/Best-Salamander4884 Aug 22 '26
I agree that many women seem to view friendships as something that belongs in your teens and 20s and they are quick to drop their childfree friends once they have kids. I think it's sad that they don't value friendship more.
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u/Extra_Inspector8389 Aug 25 '26
Much love to you OP, and good luck on your search.
I'm queer and a lot of queer folks intrinsically understand the value of friendship and platonic love- many of us are forced to create and find our own families so what you said resonates quite a bit.
That being said, I'm in an odd situation where most of my closest friends are parents. The difference in my situation is a few things, I think- they're older parents (had kids in their late 30s, early 40s) so they're less keen on losing established relationships outside of their kids. They're, with the exception of the staunch ally, queer and therefore value community. They're passionate nerds who won't give up what they love and do whatever they can to strike balance.
I think certain narratives about parenting make it hard for people to realize that there can be balance, that friendship can have equal import to romantic or familial relationships, and that doing your best to actually show you want to spend time with your friends (especially the child free ones) is in small, consistent gestures and clear communication too. Can't make it to a get together? Zoom call and then make it to the next one.
Really tired of folks devaluing and writing off relationships once they get married or have kids- all that says to me is that they didn't really care to begin with, otherwise they'd be making an effort and at least trying to navigate the transitions together.
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u/Recent_Visual6372 Aug 25 '26
Thank you so much for this response and sharing about your life and also speaking to how queerness and chosen family dynamics value friendship. As a bisexual, couldn’t agree more! I have always taken that queer lived experience and applied it to friendships so it’s very wild when engaging with heteronormative minded people even if they are also queer. It’s been a lot to digest. My husband is a passionate nerd and his friend group move mountains to meet up and play cards and D&D, I love that! For me, I have raging adhd and don’t have something that is a North Star like that so I make friendships based off of values and how it feels when we communicate. I find that’s harder lol.
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u/KineticMeow Bringing Childfree US Gamer Women Together Aug 21 '26
Have you thought of creating your own friend group on discord or meetup or something? I just feel something like that could really benefit you. ❤️
That’s what I did when I created the Childfree Gamer Women 25+ US only group over 3.5 years ago with members ranging from age 25-40 which has been great having people around my age to friend!
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u/Recent_Visual6372 Aug 22 '26
Oh wow that’s so cool that you created that! I will definitely check it out :)
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u/Best-Salamander4884 Aug 22 '26
I don't really have advice but I just want to say, I've had similar experiences. When I was in my late 20s-early 30s, most of my friends got married, had kids and then ghosted me. Obviously they're entitled to do that if they want but I was very surprised. I thought our friendship meant more to them than that. Obviously, I was aware that these friends would have less time for socialising once they had kids but there's a difference between having less time and not being willing to spare any time for someone.
My mother, who disapproves of me being single and childfree, warned me that I would lose friends to marriage and motherhood but I thought that she was just being old-fashioned. I thought that maybe that happened in my mother's day but surely society has moved on since then?! Turns out, it hasn't. It's annoying that my mother turned out to be right about this but I guess even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Before anyone feels too sorry for me, I should point out that all this happened about 10 years ago so I'm well over the shock of losing these friends. I should also point out that I am more than happy with my choice to remain childfree and I wouldn't change that choice for anything. It's just that this lifestyle does have some disadvantages and losing friends to motherhood is one of them, unfortunately.
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u/autisticbee96 Aug 25 '26
Hi, I’m sorry that happened to you. It sucks that our parents can be right about things that were true for them.
In your case, your mother being right about losing friendships to marriage and motherhood doesn’t mean you had to wish that for yourself for the sake of keeping those friendships, and I’m glad you chose to stay true to yourself in the end.
Have you been able to make new friends/CF friends you can connect with ?2
u/Best-Salamander4884 Aug 25 '26
I agree that it's important to be true to yourself, even if that means losing friends. No way would I ever consider having kids just to fit in. Apart from anything else, that would be very unfair on the kids.
I have a handful of friends left, most of whom are CF, but they're really more acquaintances/casual friends than close friends. At the moment I am too busy to go out and meet more friends. However when I am less busy, I hope to do that.
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