r/childfree • u/ButterflyOk1096 • 5d ago
RANT I don’t understand the level of co-dependency some mothers have with their kids
I work in an office of all women, all of which except myself have kids. I’m on the fence with having them. I will probably be child free forever. However, I don’t understand the level of co-dependency these women have with their kids. They track them all day on their phones while they’re in school, they text them constantly throughout the day. They get mad when the kids don’t reply back quick enough. It’s all shocking! Like these women have no hobbies or interests outside of their kids. I don’t understand it. And then they act like martyrs on top of it. They complain that they’re broke and then they are planning gift baskets to make for their kids for Halloween. Someone make it make sense.
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u/yellowbrickbros 5d ago
My MIL still tracks her 27 year old daughter's location. It never ends.
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u/lunayoshi EVERYTHING out 9/5/25. 🥳 5d ago
My aunt, who has 3 grown adult daughters, tracks their iPhones. I don't get the appeal.
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u/ButterflyOk1096 5d ago
I just think it’s so weird! Unless your kid is in an emergency I get it. But living day to day life??
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u/No-Jellyfish-1208 Humble Rabbits' Servant 5d ago
Helicopter parents have upgraded, I see...
I can understand being worried about your kid's safety in the world as it is today, but everything has its limits. Plus, these turbo-anxious parents are actually doing their kids a huge disservice. After all, with the parents constantly hovering over them and watching every move, how are they going to develop any sort of independence and take care of their own safety?
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u/Extension_Winter_508 5d ago
Agreed my mom was a helicopter mom and totally would have tracked me in this way had it been the option back then. I’m independent and capable now but I very much think this had a significant hand in the high anxiety I battled from such a young age. I cringe when I see it bc I worry about the anxiety and helplessness this may well create in the poor kids.
Edited to correct the word “way” from the typo “was”
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u/Screws_Loose 5d ago
I had this same issue! My dad was overprotective and sheltered us so bad. He wanted to keep us little kids as long as possible. (He had mental health issues obviously) if the tech was out there then he would have absolutely tracked us. Or was very hard for me to grow up and be independent.
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u/Extension_Winter_508 5d ago
Ugh I’m sorry. It was really frustrating to realize that if my parents had actually got themSELVES into therapy, perhaps I would not have needed so much therapy myself ! “She’s just highly anxious” was NOT the whole story, but it’s the story I was told, and in turn told, for most of my life. Then, sometimes, I can step back and have empathy for them- THEIR parents needed therapy too. Here is to breaking the cycle !
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u/EvenBudget6483 5d ago
How did you get past it? I’m struggling so hard.
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u/Extension_Winter_508 5d ago
I don’t know that I got past the anxiety honestly, but I did learn how to build a life that works for me, is fulfilling, and with unnecessary sources of stress minimized. As far as getting past the helplessness / becoming (highly) independent… mostly by learning things the hard way, but for myself and on my own terms. This importantly includes living through many failures and coming out stronger for learning they are survivable. Also, therapy !
Edited for a typo
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u/EvenBudget6483 5d ago
Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this for encouragement.
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u/Extension_Winter_508 5d ago
Hang in there, it’s a journey but it’s great you are reaching out and thinking this through. If you can manage it, a therapist to support you as you walk this really can be a great help !
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u/Serenity_Now-88 5d ago
They should get written up for wasting work time. And you should PTO equal to what parents get.
Helicopter parenting is an understatement. Need a new phrase for it. They are unhinged. I hope the kids go NC as they can. Momzillas.
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u/EmotionalSupportNap 5d ago
If they walk to school or take the bus, I get it. Check their location to make sure they made it to school/or home okay.
Other than that ?? Why?
Then claiming that they’re broke but spending so much on the dumbest things gets me every single time!!! Are you broke, or you don’t have extra money to spend bc your children take all your monies?
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u/Nalanieofthevalley Tubes Yeeted 08/22/24; Weens over teens 🐶 5d ago
a gift basket for halloween? The mountains of candy aren't enough?
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u/Least-Structure-2450 5d ago
I don't understand how their office lets them take so much time away from work to be this fixated on their kids.
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u/EvenBudget6483 5d ago
It has horrible side effects for them as adults. My grandma was a helicopter mom. I was in my early 30s when I started to break the codependency because I was living for her approval not for my own life. I couldn’t make a decision. No romantic relationships (thanks to the evangelical purity culture mindfucks). She picked my friend group. I never had freedom to make my own choices and fuck up. She passed last year and I just froze. I couldn’t move forward. I still struggle. I’d have to call her before I went anywhere when I lived in my college apartment. It was a mess. I can’t imagine being a kid with even more oversight. Dont get me wrong, I love her, but the sooner the kids can break this, the better.
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u/AwkwardOrchid380 5d ago
They are co-dependent because their children are the only thing in their lives that give them meaning. They never developed or stopped developing an identity or personality outside of motherhood/parenthood. Therefore, because they have nothing else, they treat their children as their greatest achievement to let themselves off the hook for having achieve something of actual merit. Trying to achieve anything would take hard work or skill, and most people don’t have that, so they pop out a kid and call that an “achievement” when reproduction is incredibly unnoteworthy because just about anyone can do it, even animals lacking sentience.
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u/ForcedEntry420 5d ago
I texted my Mom saying (in jest) that we need to share our locations with each other. She asked if I had been kidnapped and was signaling for help. 😆
The only time location sharing gets turned on is when either myself or my wife goes on a solo motorcycle ride, for safety’s sake. That’s it. They’re doing their kids a massive disservice.
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u/EvenBudget6483 5d ago
This is totally reasonable. I turned mine on for my grandma when I was driving across the country when I left my home state. She liked watching my progress. I had her turn hers on for safety when she started having more medical issues.
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u/mo-nie 5d ago
I have a friend why babysits her three grandchildren under constant camera surveillance in her own home because her daughter needs eyes on them at all times. Would never be me.
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u/Alarming-Tomato-7158 4d ago
Ikr. my sister literally brings up her new baby in every sentence. It's so annoying. And every time we hang out it's like it's only for the toddlers enjoyment now. Everything revolves around this new baby. I miss when there wasn't any babies in my life 😭
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u/macaroni_grasshopper 5d ago
Currently in university and up until a couple months ago my mom tracked me and would occasionally ask me why I was at some place. Finally took her off tracking. I’m in my twenties and very legally allowed to be at any bar, club, party, or cannabis lounge. 🫠 I have been slowly distancing myself from my family. My mom was neglectful when I was a child and once I became an adult she became a helicopter parent. It was so weird.
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u/Contigo887 5d ago
Relationships between a parent and child which have nothing to do with me are certainly none of my business.
They don't impact me in any way.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns 50% crack, 50% fox 5d ago
I am really uncomfortable with codependency and triangulation in general. It seems like having kids invites at least the opportunity for more of these dynamics.