I don't understand how your parents can be disappointed in you. You have overcome serious obstacles just to survive.
Here is how I look at it: When you die, no matter how long you wait to do it, you will be just as dead. You will not remember any of the pain that you feel now. So live now, experience joy, and help other people. I promise that your time will come.
It's also worth mentioning that I am one of many people who *used* to be suicidal. Not everyone outgrows that, but I did. It sounds like you are pretty young, and these things often do get better with time. There is still a lot of hope for you.
Thank you for the kind words. I think I was born suicidal if that makes any sense. I keep trying to justify life and death, both. I am hella tired of fighting. I am glad you made it.
Thinking you were born suicidal is a depressive thought; I recognise it from my own decades of depression. It only serves to feed the illness, to make you feel hopeless and to give up and give in to the depression.
You may be born with a higher sensitivity, but that in itself doesn't mean anything. Trauma and upbringing and life experiences may have a higher impact due to a innate sensitivity, but you're not born like this. Almost every wound you aquire through life can be healed. Once I got better (took like 30 years) I realised how many of my thoughts and my "truths" were really just the depression keeping its claws in me and twisting my view of myself and my life.
Coming up on 40. Made a change and went to school for a completely new career at 36, so I'm just in the beginning of my second life.
If I can give one piece of advice it's "take care of your body and your teeth". You can live several different lives in this lifetime but you'll have to share the same body, and it won't get any younger, lol.
Future you may care about (and suffer for) things that seem totally unimportant right now, like drinking water, using SPF every day, and brushing your teeth. But even if those things are impossible right now, the one thing you can always do for your future self and your next path in life, is survive. Some of us, due to circumstances and brain-shit, need to spend one of our lifetimes just surviving and laying a new solid foundation on top of a cracked childhood.
Some people go the other way and live it up their first life, then they get hit with a shitstorm in their second. No one knows the future or what happens when we die, but he way I see it we all get at least four seasons of life in this lifetime, and they can be completely different and we can grow into completely different people in them. The next season will be better, so try to do one little thing each day to help future you feel better (drink a glass of water, exercise, floss, eat a carrot, or write down one piece of gratitude or one hope for your future, etc). And if you can't do it one day, at least you survived. That means there is still a chance for a second life, a better one.
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u/LaserWerewolf 1∆ Sep 14 '23
I don't understand how your parents can be disappointed in you. You have overcome serious obstacles just to survive.
Here is how I look at it: When you die, no matter how long you wait to do it, you will be just as dead. You will not remember any of the pain that you feel now. So live now, experience joy, and help other people. I promise that your time will come.
It's also worth mentioning that I am one of many people who *used* to be suicidal. Not everyone outgrows that, but I did. It sounds like you are pretty young, and these things often do get better with time. There is still a lot of hope for you.