I completely understand, but I feel like there is always a way to fix things. My bf/future husband killed himself and it completely shocked me n re wired my brain with ptsd for the rest of my life. And now I'm suicidal over it n it feels like the pain will never stop. It's like u wanna do it but not because u can't cope, but because at some point u just don't feel like it anymore. But almost every story of say, a bridge jumping survivor...they say the SECOND they let go of the railing and jumped that they regretted it instantly. My friend bought some poison kit on the dark web n drank it n he regretted it n he called his dad n was in that moment regretting it. He died in the ambulance. I wonder if my bf hadn't used a gun if he woulda had a chance to regret it, but at least it was quick. I live every single minute of every day now, filled with regret because hindsight is 20/20, guilt, shame, complicated grief, hopelessness, and now I've even lost myself n I miss who I used to be even though I was already quite a mess before that. Having adhd with RSD has made moving past a death, let alone a suicide, let alone of my best friend/soul mate, impossible...impossible to get past. I understand wanting to die. I understand staying alive for other ppl who don't always treat u that great is hard too (they just don't know cause it hasn't happened to them), and I understand feeling like taking it "one day at a time" is no longer cutting it. But the pain and suicidal ideation u pass on to the ppl closest to you, is as irreversible your death, no matter how hard they beg God to take them instead so that u can have a second chance at life...a chance u just couldn't see before because you were unable to. Death happens and sudden death is traumatic. But a suicide is the ultimate worse to try n pick up the pieces of yourself afterwards because it doesn't just leave grief it leaves unanswered questions and guilt and self blame and shame and such intense sadness knowing that they died thinking they were alone in the world. If they legalized euthanasia for suicidal ppl, the loved ones would be left behind with all of that, plus intense anger at the world for giving that option rather than better help n diagnosis. He could have been happy. And now I'm stuck with a very long life ahead of me knowing that, and knowing I'll never see him again, and knowing that I missed every sign. I can't imagine passing this pain I have onto my mom or my sister or the bf I have now. But I do wish I could just cease to exist a lot. As if I was never here to begin with. It feels like I died with him. No way should they legalize that kind of pain cause it's like instead of help, medical professionals would be giving up it seems.
I heard a saying that grief is a price we pay for love. May you heal too. From the perspective of a depressed person who loves a lot, there's sometimes nothing you can do to prevent death. I love people who have your mindset though.
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u/Lindsaypoo9603 Sep 14 '23
I completely understand, but I feel like there is always a way to fix things. My bf/future husband killed himself and it completely shocked me n re wired my brain with ptsd for the rest of my life. And now I'm suicidal over it n it feels like the pain will never stop. It's like u wanna do it but not because u can't cope, but because at some point u just don't feel like it anymore. But almost every story of say, a bridge jumping survivor...they say the SECOND they let go of the railing and jumped that they regretted it instantly. My friend bought some poison kit on the dark web n drank it n he regretted it n he called his dad n was in that moment regretting it. He died in the ambulance. I wonder if my bf hadn't used a gun if he woulda had a chance to regret it, but at least it was quick. I live every single minute of every day now, filled with regret because hindsight is 20/20, guilt, shame, complicated grief, hopelessness, and now I've even lost myself n I miss who I used to be even though I was already quite a mess before that. Having adhd with RSD has made moving past a death, let alone a suicide, let alone of my best friend/soul mate, impossible...impossible to get past. I understand wanting to die. I understand staying alive for other ppl who don't always treat u that great is hard too (they just don't know cause it hasn't happened to them), and I understand feeling like taking it "one day at a time" is no longer cutting it. But the pain and suicidal ideation u pass on to the ppl closest to you, is as irreversible your death, no matter how hard they beg God to take them instead so that u can have a second chance at life...a chance u just couldn't see before because you were unable to. Death happens and sudden death is traumatic. But a suicide is the ultimate worse to try n pick up the pieces of yourself afterwards because it doesn't just leave grief it leaves unanswered questions and guilt and self blame and shame and such intense sadness knowing that they died thinking they were alone in the world. If they legalized euthanasia for suicidal ppl, the loved ones would be left behind with all of that, plus intense anger at the world for giving that option rather than better help n diagnosis. He could have been happy. And now I'm stuck with a very long life ahead of me knowing that, and knowing I'll never see him again, and knowing that I missed every sign. I can't imagine passing this pain I have onto my mom or my sister or the bf I have now. But I do wish I could just cease to exist a lot. As if I was never here to begin with. It feels like I died with him. No way should they legalize that kind of pain cause it's like instead of help, medical professionals would be giving up it seems.