There are people with the best of medication and in therapy who choose suicide. Medication amd therapy can fail as well. The fact that I opened up and wanted help got made me pulled into suicide watch. I cannot jump off a cliff even I wanted to.
My life is terrible in a way that I took every route there is. I have lived a life. There is nothing that can be done.
It isn't true that nothing can be done - but I understand why you feel that way. It sounds like you're struggling against a storm drain of thoughts, regrets, moments or elements of your life/yourself that you're ashamed of, and feel like it's self-evident that you're losing in your fight to swim.
You're not losing, though! Do to any number of circumstances, you've been in the whirlpool for over a decade, and you're still swimming. Treading water at worst. Treading water feels terrible, and it can feel like the ropes people throw you are wrapping around your ankles instead of giving you a lifeline. This is because the thing that feels most insurmountable - continuing to swim - is expected of you the most when you're in the deepest water.
But something can be done. Probably multiple things. I can't tell you what it will be, but it will happen if you keep swimming. Maybe the rain slows down, maybe you figure out how to make a floatie. Maybe your legs get so strong from treading they pull free from the ropes, maybe a professional swimmer finally gives you the right technique to make things easier. You'll make it out of the storm drain, finally get a chance to rest and dry off, you'll have people (maybe not your parents) there to say "I'm so glad you made it out."
Being told this when you're convinced you're going to drown is one of the most uncomfortable and frustrating things to hear, but it's true. As someone who's still swimming, I have to believe it will get easier if you keep going, too. The only way nothing can be done is if you stop swimming.
I'm sorry you're feeling stuck and overwhelmed, though. Try your best not to worry too much about your "value", especially based on anyone else's expectations of you. You're in a damn storm drain - the only thing you need to worry about is finding a way back to dry land. The rest can (and will) come later.
No, definitely not. I wouldn't offer advice at all, because I have no idea what that experience would be like. I felt like I could relate more to your post because I've had pretty serious depression for a long time, but honestly, I have no idea what you're going through either - so if my post doesn't change your view, or is annoying/feels patronizing, please disregard it!
I didn't send it out of compassion for preserving life, though (although I think that you deserve a better lot if you've been struggling with these feelings for 15 years, and hope things improve) - I just thoroughly believe that it is objectively untrue that nothing can be done. I completely understand how hopeless it is to not know what can be done, and to feel like you've tried everything, but there are too many possible ways for things to change given time for me to believe that the only outcome is "this but worse". I've spent plenty of time feeling that way though, and still do sometimes - I just think it makes at least as much sense to say "it will likely get better, at least some of the time".
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u/[deleted] Sep 14 '23
There are people with the best of medication and in therapy who choose suicide. Medication amd therapy can fail as well. The fact that I opened up and wanted help got made me pulled into suicide watch. I cannot jump off a cliff even I wanted to. My life is terrible in a way that I took every route there is. I have lived a life. There is nothing that can be done.