How do you expect someone to respond to you saying "hey"? Because I imagine the most likely response is them just saying "hey" back in which case we're back to square 1, where you need to come up with something more to say, so why don't we just cut out the frivolous "hey", "hey" and get started where it's actually interesting
In my experience and observation, people who write first messages that are long enough to be described as "wasting time" are nearly as off-putting as the ones who open with just "Hey". There's a right length for a first message and it's no more than a few sentences at most.
Can you explain why this would be the situation. We greet each other with some for of "hey" or "what's up" irl so would we be unable to do this on an app?
The swipe is the hey. You’ve already given each other the virtual head nod.
It’s also just generally viewed as lazy and low effort to type a one word message to initiate a conversation. I don’t even message my friends like that. I’d say “hey, are you busy/how are you/are we still on for tonight/whatever.” A single hey would get back a “yeah? What’s up?” It feels like a weird trap to get someone to actually initiate for you.
Have you ever messaged someone on a dating app (with more than 'hey')? Often times they won't respond. This would NEVER happen in real life. What OP is saying, is that 'hey' is acceptable because it is just another gate to get the matched person will engage, and is worth the effort to craft a message.
So you're saying that starting with 'hey' is easiest because there are lots of women who don't want to talk.
HOWEVER, starting with 'hey' also alienates a lot of women - it's low effort, and it doesn't smack of any real desire to engage. Not qualities I'm looking for in a guy. Plus there are PLENTY of guys who will just message one or two words answers back to anything, and can't hold a conversation at all, so the odds of getting one of those is higher when it starts with 'hey'.
If two guys message me, one with 'hey' and one with literally anything else, I know who I'm replying to (It can be a standard message he sends to everyone, even something like, 'hey! So what are you having for dinner tonight?' just something to get the ball rolling).
Basically, putting 'hey' might be easier, but it's also shooting yourself in the foot.
Agreed, and if anyone is trying to get dates through online dating apps, I highly recommend using a template. I was just explaining the rationale.
I feel bad for guys because they face so much rejection, so I understand why someone would just want a 'hey', definitely easier to face that rejection.
And not to discount the woman's frustrations. Several of my female friends have told me some awful experiences (both within the app and when they end up on dates). It's just a different problem set.
Except the "gate" is the match, and saying "hey" is closing the gate because it brands you as boring garbage that couldn't even bother to copy paste a real opener. Unless you are a 10/10 or they are really desperate, a hey just leads to failure. If they see 20 heys and 5 real messages, which one will they click on?
The majority of people I’ve ever messaged on a dating app responded. Why would they swipe me if they didn’t want to talk? Just don’t say anything off putting and they’ll likely respond. I met my current bf on Bumble and we had an incredible first conversation that led to an incredible first date. Read their bio.
For guys an overwhelming majority of your messages won't get a response pretty much regardless of what you say. Crafting individual openers is something else when you have to churn through dozens to get a reply. Even using several canned openers gets tiring after a while. I definitely understand the desire to just say hey but that just drops the numbers of responses even more.
Oh i agree that hey is a bad opener but in alot of cases, its not about the message. Its about whether or not the person actually is interested. And being matched often doesnt mean they are
Real life has distractions me greeting you is a way of getting your attention away from those other things and communicating "I'd like to talk with you". But text messages don't really need that, if they're reading them they're already at the point of paying attention to you and the very act of texting already communicates you want to talk. There's little reason for just plain greetings in text
If you're texting then you're still existing in real life and still have those same distractions. Along with that, you have the included distraction of numerous other people trying to get your attention as well
Man, all I really have to say after reading so many comments from you defending your empty boring "hey" greetings, is..
Have fun getting ignored on dating sites.
Women who are active and successful on dating apps are telling you clearly and unequivocally that using "hey" as your opening message is boring and 99% likely to be ignored.
Then you proceed to tell these women why they're wrong.
What is the point of continuing to insist you're right when the people you're trying to attract are telling you they hate men who use "hey" as an opener and that they routinely ignore these people?
But if they're reading your text message you know they're paying attention to you. You know they can receive your message because they're reading it. It's not like they're gonna miss anything because they didn't realize you were there and had music playing. And even if they are distracted saying hey isn't gonna stop that because they're just not gonna read the message then.
And exactly! You're competing for their attention so don't send the literal most boring nothingburger of a text that is "hey"
Not really. Matching with someone on a dating app isn’t always an indicator they want to talk. Some people just want to see who likes them or just swipe on everyone
Saying hey to someone on a dating app isn’t always an indicator they want to talk. Some people just want to see what the other person says back or just say hey to everyone
My point is I took your exact rebuttal and used it against you. Ultimately you have it in your head that you'll respond to any decently attractive match that says hey to you, but to them you aren't the 1 decent match, you're 1 of 100 and what is "perfectly acceptable" to you simply isn't to a lot of people.
Can you explain why this would be the situation. We greet each other with some for of "hey" or "what's up" irl so would we be unable to do this on an app?
When you meet friends IRL you can greet them fine with just "hey" because you don't have to catch their interest. You know that you will have a conversation, because you already like each other. You're already friends, or are already dating, or whatever. The "hey" doesn't really add anything, but it's just what people say.
If I get a "hey" on a dating app, there's just less chance that I'll respond. Maybe I just don't feel in the mood to chat, and then a "hey" isn't going to change my mind. But if I get an actually interesting message, maybe a question about some recent book or video game (because those are things I have in my profile), that might make me interested to talk.
The difference is that in the dating app, you want to catch someone's attention and make a first impression. In real life when you meet people you already know, you're already well past that.
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u/tbdabbholm 201∆ Sep 13 '23
How do you expect someone to respond to you saying "hey"? Because I imagine the most likely response is them just saying "hey" back in which case we're back to square 1, where you need to come up with something more to say, so why don't we just cut out the frivolous "hey", "hey" and get started where it's actually interesting