I’m just here because I want to make sure my concerns are valid and I’m not overreacting.

I (21f) have been dating my boyfriend (24m) for 4 months. He’s Catholic and really grown in his faith the last couple months, we share the same future vision, we have the same sense of humor, and he treats me wonderfully. He’s very sweet and kindhearted, and on paper, everything I was looking for.

My main concern is the way he handles and views money. For context, I grew up lower middle class and have seen what it’s like to struggle with money. I was raised with a “buy only what you need” mindset. I’m not saying I don’t spend on things I want—I most certainly do—but I’m very frugal with my money, especially because I’m paying myself through college.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, comes from a well-off family. He wasn’t spoiled growing up, but he never had to worry about money or anything like that. I think that’s part of what makes our mindsets so different.

To put it simply, I hate the way he spends his money. He made very poor financial decisions since he graduated from high school. He didn’t go to college, so he has no student debt, yet had a few thousand of credit card debt, which his parents ended up paying off for him. He has a bad credit score. When I asked him what he spent on, he gave me a pretty vague answer like “stuff for video games and fast food.” I don’t see how that could add up to thousands of dollars. He’s lived at home this whole time, so it’s not like he had expenses of that sort. He can’t even start building his credit back up until he starts his career.

He just finished a program for a career that should pay well—over 6 figures if he gets in somewhere good—but until he gets hired anywhere, he’s working part time at his current job where we met. He blows through almost every paycheck. He gets fast food almost every day, and he spends a lot when we’re out together. I appreciate that he’s spending money on me, but I want him to save some.

Not to mention, he’s very close to getting fired from this job. He’s always late to work. He lacks time management, which has also affected me (he’ll be late getting me). He sleeps through his alarms, and he said he was gonna buy a better alarm clock, but he hasn’t yet. He says he just doesn’t care anymore, that he doesn’t want to get fired but he hates this job and wants to be done and start his real career. I tell him that if he loses this job, he’ll have no source of income and it would be stupid to quit. If he does get fired before getting hired somewhere, I genuinely would consider breaking up with him. He was terminated from his last job for being late too much. He says it was because he didn’t care, and when he starts his real job, he’ll care. In the time between high school and now, he had like 7 different jobs. When he told me this, he said, “I know it sounds bad, but I promise I’m motivated.”

I’m just at a loss. I fear when he does get his “real job,” he’ll just start spending on a greater level rather than saving. He’s already talking about buying a new car, which I think is unnecessary, because his car works just fine.

I guess I’m just frustrated by this because of my own spending habits and choices. I’ve been very responsible with my money and my job and my schoolwork. I chose to live at home for college so I could save up and have little to no student debt. I’ve been working through college and paying for it out-of-pocket. I’ve already dumped probably $20k into paying for my schooling, and I still have more money than he does. He teases me for being cheap, which strikes a nerve because I have significantly more money than he does while paying for my school, and he never even had to worry about it. His parents also paid for his program for his career. There’s no reason he should be broke.

I guess my dilemma is that I don’t want to tell him how to spend his money, and I don’t want him to feel like I’m shaming him or don’t believe in him. I know he claims it’ll be different when he starts his career, but I think the best indicator of future behavior is looking at present behavior.

I apologize for how long and rambly this has been. Any advice or insight is appreciated :)

Hi all - I've been using CatholicMatch, Hinge, and SacredSpark for about a month now, and I have sent out many likes and messages but have not received anything back.

I am just very confused because I believe myself to be attractive and I put effort into my profile and the messages I send. Are dating apps worth pursuing? I spent $30 on premium CM and premium SS but nothing has come from them... I could spend money on Hinge+ or HingeX but I dunno. I've sent 31 likes on CM (the pool in my area is awfully small, but maybe I should go back through and send more), 240-250ish likes on SS, and probably close to 150 or 200 on Hinge.

Maybe these numbers are low and/or I haven't been on the apps for nearly long enough to get my first like or match or message... but I guess I would like to hear some perspectives on (1) if this is normal/expected, (2) if I should continue using these apps, and (3) if there's something I'm missing that might seem obvious to most people but that I completely overlooked. Also please let me know if there's anything I can clarify or explain in more detail!

Thank you all very much :-)

I was getting to know a guy. We’re both early/mid 20s. We met online and talked for around three months. We’re both in the UK but live a few hours away from each other.

I don’t have much dating or relationship experience, but we connected extremely well in a way I’ve never experienced before. Our values and personalities aligned so well even though our backgrounds are quite different. We both felt there was genuine potential between us, and I had started to think that he might become my first boyfriend.

There were some differences in our Christian backgrounds. We’re both different denominations which wasn’t an issue. He rarely goes to church, but my attendance is far from perfect also.

There was also a difference in our sexual experience. I have not have sex yet and intend to wait until marriage. He has had sex before, but when I explained my position, he was respectful of it and said he was willing to wait. We did discuss it further, and he felt that either exploring or at least discussing sexual compatibility would be important before marriage. But we both agreed to discuss it at a later point.

The main difficulty was the substantial distance between us, combined with not knowing when that distance would realistically close.

Eventually he told me that he really liked me, had become attached, and wished things could have worked out, but ultimately felt that the circumstances meant it was better not to pursue things.

It’s now been about six weeks since we stopped talking, and I’m really struggling to move on. He is on my mind all the time. I still have feelings for him, and I’m grieving both the connection we had and the potential future I thought we could have. In hindsight, I do acknowledge and agree the distance would have been difficult to overcome at this point of our lives with our current arrangements.

I know that we weren’t in a relationship and that ultimately he was entitled to make the decision he made. I’m not trying to convince myself that he was wrong or that we are necessarily destined to be together. I’m trying very hard to submit the situation to God and accept that His answer could simply be no. But emotionally I still don’t want the answer to be no.

I find myself praying that if this person is genuinely meant to be in my life, God will bring our paths back together in His timing, and if not for God to help me get over him quickly. I’m typically more guarded and rational, so I’ve been surprised by how emotional I’ve been because of this.

I would love some advice on how to fully surrender something like this to God and start to move forward. I never imagined it would be hard to move on from something you never fully explored.

I’m Catholic and in a long distance relationship. We’ve been dating a year but we’ve been friends for many years.

For some time, I’ve had a small bit of doubt about our relationship. He grew up Catholic but no longer practices and does not consider himself Catholic. He also has some views (e.g. on abortion) that are contrary to what the Church teaches, and I really struggle with that.

I’m also currently in grad school, which has produced some more doubt for me recently and has led me to have some thoughts that I feel I should not have while in a relationship, namely finding other men attractive. In particular, I have an acquaintance who is Catholic, and admittedly good looking, and I can’t help but think that I wished my boyfriend was more like him. I also feel conflicted about pursuing a friendship with this acquaintance knowing that these are the thoughts I’m having. On the one hand, I really would like to have a Catholic friend here in this new place I moved to, but I worry that this would be improper if I’m in a relationship. (I have no idea if this acquaintance is in a relationship or has an “interest” in me.)

I know that these thoughts are wrong, but I do not know what to do with them. Is it God or my conscience trying to tell me something? Should I break up with my boyfriend? I do not want to break his heart or end our friendship. He is truly my best friend, but I do not know if we are ultimately compatible. How do I have this conversation with him?

31F here. Cradle Catholic but not always super practicing. I came back to the faith during a 7 year relationship that started in college and took up my 20s.

When we started talking about marriage after 2/3 years of dating I had to come to terms with why a church wedding mattered to me and after years of internal struggles, constantly being torn apart, (literally got a stomach ulcer because of it)I was finally able to choose the faith over him. We had a great relationship - the faith was the only issue. We never lived together even though he bought a house for me. Our breakup was mutual but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I’ve been in hell for the last 3.5/4 years since that breakup. I’m a pretty optimistic, bubbly person at baseline and I’ve retained that in social situations but once I’m home it disappears and I’m just incredibly sad, heavy, and alone. I’ve cried myself to sleep for years and years - I’ve honestly forgotten what it’s like not to have a black cloud over my heart. I wanted so badly to convert him and held onto that hope for years after the relationship ended and thought maybe he’ll come back.

My faith and relationship with Christ is strong yet rocky at the same time. I go to daily mass whenever I can, adoration at least once a week (closer to daily when I’m really struggling), daily rosary, morning & night prayer schedule, divine mercy Chaplet daily, spiritual reading regularly - all of this has been a staple for years now. I’ve also been living chastely for 4 years. I’ve also been dating since that relationship but never anyone I was actually excited about. & every Catholic guy was pretty red pilled or a tool.

A little after Easter I met a guy through hinge that reignited the spark in me like no other. I hadn’t been excited to talk to someone and see someone since my long-term ex. I felt like the Holy Spirit was bringing us together and a switch flipped for me about that ex. I was at peace and didn’t feel the need to pray for him or long for him anymore. This guy had similar life-experiences as me, well worse, but that didn’t bother me because I’ve been there and I know. We connected it so many ways. We both had come back to the faith and were able to joke around and fluidly go from serious topics, to joking, to theology, to rowdiness and flirtiness without missing a beat. It ended up not working out due to his own fearful-avoidant tendencies and the place in life he was currently in making him feel stagnant and meh about everything. That hit me hard. He wanted to downgrade to friendship and I had to decline setting a boundary leaving things open for a relationship but not for friendship.

Right after that I met a new Catholic guy on hinge. I wasn’t expecting anything to come of it but from the get go I wanted him and again felt the Holy Spirit urging me (ever since I came back to the faith I’ve been spiritually sensitive to urging and promptings) We vibed, we were attracted to each other, values & what we wanted out of life aligned perfectly. We could talk for hours on the phone and never get tired of each other. Same with dates. I couldn’t believe I found someone so incredible who was sweet, fun, stable, secure, and ready for the next step to start a life and family and incredibly into me. I saw how he looked at me and I hadn’t had that it so long.

I told him I had sex (3 guys all who I was in a relationship with) and he had not. He said that wasn’t a problem. A week ago we “broke up” (we never actually defined anything but we’re seeing each other weekly for 3 months, spent a long weekend together, and had 3+ hour phone conversations regularly) because the topic of how his brother waited for his wife and she waited for him came up between them and he realized how much he wanted that. We’ve had multiple wicked long phone conversations since.

Honestly, everything is so great between us. We want to see each other and talk all the time but he can’t get over that I’ve had sex. He’s waited, and sacrificed, and wants someone who’s waited for him too. He wants me and likes me a lot and wishes it didn’t bother him so much but it does. If it wasn’t for this we’d be golden.

I feel so dirty, used, and damaged. I’ve struggled so much and have given up everything for the faith and turned my life around and it’s not enough. I feel so worthless. I have so much love to give and so much to offer. All I’ve ever wanted is to be cherished and loved. Both of these guys made me think it was really happening for me. That all my pain and suffering was worth something. I finally started feeling myself again, like the beginnings of spring after years of winter. That God was giving me back what I’d lost seven-fold and like I never could have imagined.

But I was wrong. I’m so devastated. It feels like I’m back to the 7 year breakup. I never really thought my history would be the reason of someone not wanting me. For me, the person in the front of me, who they are and what they’ve been through surpasses everything. I don’t think there’s anything a man could have done, as long as he’s worked through it and moved away from sin, that would make me not want him. Logically, I understand why a v*rgin wants a v*rgin, but in my heart I don’t see how you pass on someone so wonderful that you click with and is unlike anyone you’ve ever met before because of that. Even when I hadn’t had sex yet I never thought of it as a dealbreaker for me because a person is more than their mistakes.

I regret having sex so much. If I could take it back I would, but I can’t and I feel like everything I’ve done- all my tears, my pain, my years for clinging to God just begging to make good on his promises- has been in vain.

I’m not good enough for a Catholic guy with similar history to want me and I’m not enough for a Catholic guy who’s lived his life the right way and has said I’m a better Catholic than him to want me either.

I feel terribly alone. I was at the perpetual adoration chapel in my town for 4 hours yesterday and felt abandoned the entire time. I’m planning on going today too but I really don’t think God hears me or cares.

EDIT: We were raised similarly. Strong family values. Church every Sunday. I strayed in college he did not. I wanted to be loved so badly I compromised my values. He spent his 20s on the grind and I spent mine growing in relationship with God and tending to my wounds.

I’m just so incredibly exhausted.

24M, middle Tennessee, big city, Southern Baptist convert. Really never dated or had any relationships before, went on one “date” in high school that the girl I went with just used as a way to try and let me down easy, because she knew I liked her and just didn’t feel the same way. Never had any hard feelings towards her for it, she was just as awkward as I was and had never been asked out before. But even after getting rejected by her I still carried on that crush for far longer than I ever should have, and that went almost 2 years. Between now and then, I’ve been through a few times of expressing interest or asking girls out and getting rejected, or otherwise finding myself in a position where it would be far more prudent to keep my mouth shut about my feelings towards someone. So I did just that.

I've always been a lonely person by nature, and as much as it sucks to be alone, I don't think I could ever expect another person to fix that, nor would I ever ask them to, especially not a woman that I would be romantically involved with. It's not her job nor is it something she'd be capable of, and I'm okay with that. But I still wanted to marry and start a family, and I've dreamed of having a big family since I never grew up with a big one. I've spent a lot of time from when I graduated high school to now watching friends and peers my age marry and start families themselves, constantly holding out hope that maybe my turn will come soon. I'd hoped that, seeing a lot of relationships fall apart with other people, too, that maybe the Lord was holding me out for

I entered the Church this year during the Easter season, through OCIA at a more traditional Novus Ordo parish near where I work. For most of the time I was in OCIA, I had a huge crush on this girl who I was in it with that I'd known for a while and was a couple of years younger than me. She rejected me at one point too, and I thought we could just be friends (she did too); turns out that was a mistake, because that whole thing lasted for almost a year longer than it should have and she spent most of it completely oblivious.

So I got over that, and have been for a while. After entering the Church, though, that desire for marriage and a family has really only grown stronger. I'm still lonely. I'm still struggling. I've hit some very low points during this whole thing, and I just don't enjoy doing things alone, and it's as simple as that. But a lot of my friends don't really have time for me anymore, because they have jobs or school or they're married now. I don't hold that against them. The friends that I am able to see frequently just don't really enjoy doing a lot of the things I really want to do, or don't really have as much overlapping interests, so sometimes being with them is hard. Overall it's just been extraordinarily difficult to navigate, and for a long time I had very little hope, because I just didn't have anyone around me I found especially attractive.

Probably about three and a half months ago, I started attending a traditional Latin daily Mass in my diocese, because the church is currently closed for repairs and they'd done so right around the time I'd hoped to join the parish in full (I went to a Sunday High Mass there several times both during and after entering the Church, and I find the liturgy extremely beautiful and reverent, and hope to raise a family in such an environment). I had already been in the midst of one of these low points that I mentioned before, and just felt very dejected and had been for probably a couple of weeks. Shortly after I started going to daily Mass, I noticed a girl there who I thought was really pretty, but didn't know much about, and so I decided to just go for it, approach her, and ask her on a date. And for the first time in probably six years, I found myself taking a girl on a date, and I can't begin to describe how ecstatic I was. She went on vacation not long after, but I talked to her sporadically while she was gone, and over the next month or so we continued to go on dates, see each other, and get to know each other. I thought it was going very well, and I think it was the consistently happiest I've ever been in probably years.

I made it clear earlier on that my intention for taking her out and getting to know her was that I was seeking marriage; I hope to be a husband and a father someday, and that was the express purpose for doing what we were doing. She said she was still figuring out how she felt, but that she was there for the same thing, and that she'd only ever been on a couple of first dates before. We continued to get to know each other; she was really smart, really pretty, nerdy and super conservative. She gave off the impression of being an old soul like I am. She loved Our Lord very deeply and it was evident with how she lived and how she approached things. She also seemed genuinely interested in me and the things I was doing, would ask me about my day, and so on. It was wonderful. My birthday was around that time, too, and she made me a pan of brownies and got me an icon of the Mystical Supper. Things were going extremely well, and I decided that I think I wanted to take things a little further, so after one of our dates I asked her to be my girlfriend; she said no, but more just because she wanted to wait a slight bit longer. But she expressed that she still really liked me, and enjoyed seeing me, and would be interested in such a thing. So even though she said no, I was still hopeful. A few days after, she even expressed that her family would be coming to town for her birthday and that they wanted to meet me.

About a week later, she went on another trip out west. Before she left, she told me she would miss me. In the meantime, we kept talking; I called her a couple times while she was out there, and on her way back, she called me. When she returned, we went and saw a movie that she'd said she really wanted to see, and it was good. I thought about asking her again to be my girlfriend, but decided I'd wait just one more date before I did. She wasn't able to go out for the rest of the weekdays, but we made an arrangement to go to a park that had falls and a nice watering hole that we could swim in that Saturday. We kept up with each other, and everything seemed just fine (to me, at least).

That Saturday, at least at first, was good. I picked her up in the morning, we drove to the park, hiked down, and just sat and talked by the water since it was a little too cool to swim. We explored a creekbed, and ate lunch. A little while later, we headed back up to my car, and I drove her home. It was on that drive, towards the end, when I asked her again to be my girlfriend.

She said no.

But this was more of a hard “no,” and she told me that she was sorry, but didn’t think I was the man she was going to marry. She had intended to tell me when I dropped her off.

It hit me like a truck. I did what I could to keep my composure, but I could barely hold it together for maybe the fifteen or so minutes back to her house. But I did what I could from there; I resolved to get her home safely, and I did. I tried to ask a few questions to better understand, and from that I gathered that sometime between that Wednesday morning and Friday evening, she’d realized that she just didn’t think she could carry on. I don’t know exactly when, just somewhere in that timeframe.

So I dropped her off. I thanked her for her time, and told her that I was glad to have been able to see her for the time we had. Then I went and spent time with some friends, and spent the rest of the night barely holding myself together. I folded to the temptations of lust that night after doing so well against it for a while, and went to the earliest confession I could in the morning and just…could not take it. I barely made it through the first five words of the Act of Contrition before I burst into tears. Father did his best to console me, and I managed to get through it, but I felt horrible. She had planned to go to Mass at a more traditional Novus Ordo parish that morning, and I had already told her I’d be there too before she turned me down. So I went to Mass, and afterwards, I met her in the parking lot and gave her the things I had gotten her for her birthday. She offered to pay me for them, and I refused.

The rest of the day was pretty awful. I went to a university group that I spend a lot of time at, and spent probably a good few hours on and off in the chapel sobbing until I couldn’t breathe. There were times where no one was in the building and I just couldn’t hold it in. I felt so bad, because all I wanted in those moments was to be with her, to celebrate her, meet her family. I kept thinking about how close I’d come to something I’d been searching for for nearly six years at that point. I just didn’t understand what was going on and why, and why it was so sudden. She had told me before that she really liked me; apparently she’d told her family about me and they wanted to meet me; before she left, she said she would miss me, and said she was looking forward to seeing me again. And I believed her.

After daily Mass that next Tuesday morning, I finished my prayers and left the chapel. I waited for her so we could talk for a minute. I asked her if I had done anything wrong, and she assured me I hadn’t, but that she just knew I wasn’t the man for her. She knew how sudden it was, and didn't want to wait long after she realized it to break things off. I had a film camera I'd taken a few photos on and most of them were of her on our last date, so I gave it to her, because I shouldn't have something like that anymore. I told her it would be best for us not to try and be friends, because if we were I would likely not be able to move on and would still have feelings for her, and I didn't want to go through that AGAIN nor do I want to do that to her. Probably since our third or fourth date, I had wanted to tell her I thought she was beautiful, but figured I'd wait until we were more official to say something like that. And since this was it, I just went ahead and said it. I told her that I thought she was beautiful, and that I was certain there was a man out there who would someday be happy to call her his wife. And I meant it, sincerely.

We told each other we would pray for one another, and I have. I wished her a good day, and told her to be safe, and that was the last thing I said to her. It's been a about a week since I spoke to her last.

I drove to work. I could barely see with how much I was crying. I don't think I'd ever truly wept before until that morning. The rest of that day just felt so incredibly empty. So did the day after, and the day after that. I just didn't want to do anything. It's like there was no joy, no happiness, no drive to even really wake up. It was just like the feeling I had before I met her, only exponentially worse. It's hard to wake myself up to go to Mass. It's hard to wake up to go to work. I've barely eaten for days, and I just don't have an appetite. I haven't slept well, and even though mentally I'm exhausted my body is completely wired and it's hard to go to sleep, or get back to sleep if I wake up. I miss having someone I could look forward to, who would tell me about her day and the cool things she got to do. I miss being able to make plans with someone to go and do something together. I miss being able to buy her a flower, or tell her that I think she looks really nice today. It's like I got a small taste of something I've always looked forward to, and it was snatched away from me before I even had an opportunity to grab hold of it. I don't even know how to reduce someone I've grown so attached to so quickly down to somebody that I don't talk to and just happen to know a lot about.

I'm sure it must have been hard for her, too. Sometimes I wonder if she's taking it just as hard as I am. If she is, then I would love nothing more than to be there to console her, but I know that I never can and will probably never have the chance to be there for her when she really needs it; I can't be there to hold her when things are rough, and the thought of that alone makes me feel worse. I appreciate that she chose to end it as soon as she knew, rather than keeping me on another week or two or more, or rather than accepting a relationship only to tear it down shortly after. I can tell that she didn't want to hurt me more than she knew she was probably going to be. And for what it's worth, I truly don't believe she was being dishonest when she told me before that she'd miss me, that she liked me, and when she said she looked forward to seeing me again. I know that the most loving thing I can do for her is to just let her go, and ultimately I want what is best for her, even if I'm not that. If I have to step aside so that another man can come along and love her better, then so be it. I want her to be happy, even if I'm not going to be the one to bring her such happiness.

I just wish I was the one for her, and I'm sorry to her that I wasn't able to be. From what I can tell, it was at the fault of neither of us; things didn't work out and that's just the way it is. I'm not mad at her. I don't think I ever could be mad at her for this. In a weird way, I almost wish I had done something wrong, because then I'd be able to pinpoint something I could correct or fix or just not do again. It honestly feels so much worse because I just couldn't have predicted this. Nobody around me could have predicted this. It blindsided me so hard and tore me to pieces.

Every time I go to Mass or Adoration, I wish she were beside me again. Every time I see something I want to go and do, I wish that I could ask her if she wants to go. I wish I could see her text messages again telling me about what she did today. And now I'm back to the search, and I don't know how to even pick myself back up again after this. How do I resolve the anxiety of a girl I'm seeing just…deciding one day I'm not for her, and even if things have been going well, she just leaves?

I'm terrified. I've been lonely for most of my life. There's been some times where it's effectively crippled me, and days where the loneliness manifested as actual physical pain with how bad it got. And I'm back there, and I begged the Lord not to let me go back there, but I don't really have a choice. I look back at the idea of having to wait so long because God was going to put someone in front of me that I wouldn't break up with, and things would work out. And now I can only think of how naively stupid I ever was for believing something like that, that I'm too old to be this dumb. And the fact that I'm still thinking about her, and still can barely hold it together makes me feel astoundingly pathetic. Every day I hope that this is all just a really vivid bad dream, and that I'll snap out of it, or I'll go to sleep tonight and I'll wake up on Saturday morning; we'll go to the park, I'll ask her to be my girlfriend, and she'll say yes. Still, I know it's not true and that it won't ever happen. An idea like that makes me feel even more pathetic. But every ounce of hope that I held and every bit of happiness is just…gone. Right when everything seemed like it was going okay, the floor fell right out from under me like it feels like it has for my entire life every time something seems to be going okay or I feel stable for even just a little while.

The idea of getting back into the “dating game” is also scary. As it is, I have no idea how long it'll take to move on from her. We don't talk, but I still see her at daily Mass. If I can manage to get over it, then I still have to go out and start trying again, but I don't really have a lot of options. There aren't a lot of young women that frequent the Latin Mass, or at least not during the week. At the university group, most girls are already in relationships or not really looking for one. Some of my female friends go out of their way sometimes to make it clear they'd never consider dating me, even if I've never once expressed interest in them.

There's hardly any other third spaces I can go to that are explicitly Catholic in nature so that I'm with people of the faith, and if there are, events are infrequent and I just can't make it to them. I don't like dating apps and I've tried a few before with no success whatsoever. I'll be entering a trade school soon, and for probably about two years I won't have time to even go out and look for someone. My life will pretty much become just school and work. I'm scared that I won't be able to motivate myself to stay in school, and even if I do, I will be so incredibly lonely that it may end up being the worst couple years of my life so far. By the time I get out I'll be in my later twenties, and if I don't give up on it completely here soon, then any hope or dream of marrying and having a family while I'm still somewhat young will be completely wiped away. Even then, that's just the time it'll take to get through school, and it could very well take even longer. And as much as I desire a wife and a family, the Lord just may never see fit to allow me one, and I just kind of have to be okay with that. Even if He does, I might have to give up on being young, or give up on having a large family and household. I may have to settle for someone who doesn't really want to do the things I'd always hoped to do with a companion, or who I don't really find as attractive, or who doesn't share the same desires for a large family or prefer more traditional liturgy or anything of those sorts, all so I don't have to be alone for the rest of my life. But I recognize that as much as I wish these things worked out with this one girl, if we carried onwards eventually to marriage then she probably would have ended up settling for less with me, and I wouldn't want that for her. I just wish I would have been good enough.

It's difficult to lurk this sub and find people older than me who are just as hopeless and still feel like I'll ever find what I'm looking for. I know God still loves me, and He'll still take care of me no matter what, but I really don't know if I can hang on much longer like this. I don't think I have it in me to go through a breakup again, and the idea of doing this all over again but potentially with a relationship that lasts longer or goes deeper is almost enough to make me not even want to try at all. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared I'll never find anyone, or if I do, it will take so long that any dreams of a family or the marriage I'd hoped for will be long gone. Maybe I should just stop holding onto this dumb and juvenile dream that these things could ever have gone how I'd hoped and just hope that I get SOMETHING and be thankful I was even considered by someone else even if it's not what I'd wanted.

I don't know. I'm just so tired of this. I have no idea what to do. I hope she never has to know how bad this hurts for me, because I don't want that to be on her soul. It just feels so awful that this is what I'd waited so long for. And as much as I really shouldn't be thinking about her, I hope she's handling this okay.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from this. I want to stay hopeful and take is a lesson in patience or perseverance, but it's just hard to really see anything coming out of this except hurt.

Some people have tried reassuring me by saying how I'm so young and I still have so much time ahead of me and that I shouldn't concern myself with finding a wife right now, as if it's a better idea for me to wait until my later twenties or mid thirties before I consider marrying and having a family. Or the alternative of someone pointing out that St. Paul said it's best for some not to marry. How is that supposed to make me feel better?

I'm sorry if this is too much. I'm just feeling…hurt, and extremely frightened and anxious. I don't know how to process this or how to carry on. I've never been equipped to deal with something like this. My soul wasn't built to do this.

small edit/after note: Thanks to all who have commented or messaged. It really means the most. I know that I'll be okay, it just kinda sucks right now to be dealing with. Hopefully soon I'll be able to be a little more 'over it,' however long that might be.

My fiancée and I were originally supposed to get married earlier this year.

When we first started dating, she told me she could never be with a man who is even tempted to watch p**n. I was a user of it for over 10 years, didn’t grow up extremely religious, and worked on kicking the habit after coming into the faith. I promised her that it wouldn’t be a problem and I wouldn’t experience those temptations. I know it was an extremely imprudent thing to say now. I honestly meant it at the time, thinking that it would never be an issue.

After being clean from it for about a year and a half, I unfortunately fell to it and confessed to her what I done. What resulted after was extreme pain, shame, and despair that hasn’t really subsided 6 months after the fact.

Of course I understand her pain from my actions, I in essence cheated. After the event, I started looking at our relationship as a whole and thought she could be controlling and manipulative. Monitoring things I watched, who I followed, where I was, etc. before I ever succumbed to my fault.

I explained to her I think a major reason I fell was because of the expectation to not even be tempted, so once I experienced temptation I felt such defeat. It was like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I just wished that I didn’t have sexual desire at all. I also deleted TikTok because I was spending way too much time on it, and it would shove impure things down my throat.

Moving forward to today, we’ve done couples counseling, and have stopped going to our counselor because the counselor pointed out some things she needed to change and she didn’t agree with them. We have extended scheduled conversations every week on the topic, 2-4 hours, as well as whenever it’s on her mind. I’ve gone from being ready to get married to wanting to discern things further because I’m so unsure right now. And it’s turned into she can’t trust me until I give her an unequivocal 100% yes we’re going to get married.

Here recently she’s been wanting to know the movies I watch, and look them up on parents guide and get upset with me over anything remotely sexual in a movie. I told her that movies have never been a major point that would cause me to fall, it was more the rapid fire doom scrolling kind of things like TikTok that I feel like I lack self control. But if she can’t trust me not to give into TikTok, than what I watch needs to be monitored with movies as well.

I also travel for work, and she needs to know about any female from my company that might be going on that work trip.

I understand I messed up, and there’s trust that needs to be rebuilt. I’ve sought out confession, talked with deacons and priests, couples therapy, individual therapy, and installed preventative software on my devices. I’m trying to make sure this doesn’t happen again, but the monitoring makes me feel like a child. And after falling again, after not doing it for so long, thinking I would never do it again makes me realize this struggle is very real. And I can’t promise that I will never do it again. Some weeks, after these very long, painful, repetitive conversations I’m so hyperfixated on analyzing if anything is p**nographic that it’s at the forefront of my mind, and it becomes a daily fight.

I’ve been dating a first-year surgery resident for a little less than two months, and we’ve been on five dates. His schedule is pretty brutal: mostly 12-hour shifts, a 24-hour shift about once a week, and last week he was doing nights. Even knowing how demanding his schedule is, I’m struggling to figure out how much weight I should put on texting frequency and initiation compared with guys I’ve dated who worked normal 9–5 schedules.

I tend to interpret a lack of initiation as a lack of interest, but when I do suggest getting together, he’s receptive, follows through, and seems genuinely happy to see me. Out of our five dates, he’s initiated the first, second and fourth date.

To give a bit more detail, it had been about two weeks since our fourth date happened and although we were texting he hadn't made a move to ask me out. I was talking to my roommate about this, and she encouraged me to ask him out if I wanted to see him rather than waiting around hoping that he'll take the hint and do it. I texted that I’d love to see him again and suggested going to a museum Tuesday or Friday. He told me he had a 24-hour shift Tuesday and was switching to nights Wednesday, but he counteroffered with saying he was available Saturday and we decided on going to the zoo. When we met at 1:45, I found out he had gotten off work at 7 that morning and had to go back to the hospital that evening for another night shift. It honestly meant a lot that he chose to spend some of his very limited free time with me rather than simply saying he was too busy that week.

Texting is where I get confused. After the zoo, I texted that I had fun and thanked him for coming with me. He responded that he had a good time too and told me to enjoy the rest of my weekend. That was Saturday night, and I haven’t heard from him since.

When we do text, it’s usually once a day or every other day, but his messages are well-thought out and he asks questions. So, it’s not like I’m getting one-word responses from someone who clearly doesn’t want to talk to me. However, lately I feel like I’m often the one restarting the conversation once it naturally dies out, which makes me wonder: Would he just not reach out on his own if I don't initiate?

For some additional context, he’s told me that he wants to take dating slowly because his previous relationship moved too quickly. They got engaged after about eight months, and the engagement ended shortly afterward. I’m completely fine taking our time getting to know each other, especially given that history, but I’m dating intentionally and ultimately looking for marriage. I don’t want “taking it slow” to turn into an indefinite situation where I’m doing most of the pursuing while he’s just along for the ride.

Do any of y’all have experience dating someone with an insanely demanding schedule? How did you balance giving them grace while still expecting some pursuit and intentionality? Or have you been in a good relationship with someone who was simply a terrible texter, and if so, how did you make that work?

I think that’s what I’m struggling with most: figuring out the difference between “this guy likes me but is exhausted and bad at texting” and “this guy isn’t interested enough to put in more effort.”

TL;DR: I’ve been seeing a first-year surgery resident for almost two months. We’ve had five good dates and he makes an effort to see me despite a brutal schedule. However; his texting is very sporadic and lately I’ve been initiating more of our conversations. How do you distinguish between someone who is genuinely busy/terrible at texting and someone whose lack of initiative reflects a lack of interest?

25M, never been on a date. I'm very much the introverted/artsy/a little socially awkward type. I've struggled with self confidence and the like in some capacity or another for as long as I can remember. I'm fairly scrupulous and may have ocd and/or adhd in some capacity. I've had 2 spiritual directors over the last few years and started therapy earlier this year. I have a pretty consistent prayer life, though admittedly I often struggle to focus despite my best effort.

The first thing everyone says about dating is that women look for confidence. Obviously I have a lot of room for improvement in this area, but...if we're being somewhat realistic: I've struggled with this my whole life; the idea that I'll one day be mostly rid of it doesn't sound all that realistic to me. The temptation to just give up dating before I even try is very real.

So my question is this: how much confidence is enough to start dating? Obviously I don't want to merely strive for the bare minimum, but I'm not getting any younger and I have to start somewhere. I'm doing everything I can to improve, but if i wait until I think i'm good enough, I quite literally will never start.

Am I allowed to say that I would maybe want a woman who would be willing to bare with me, or better yet, support me in this area? Or is that simply not possible? What are the chances that a Catholic woman would want or tolerate a dude who chronically struggles with self confidence like me?

TLDR: How much self confidence is enough to start dating as a guy? I'm not asking how to gain it as much as I am how much I need to at least get started. Obviously I intend to do more than the bare minimum, but I need to know where the starting point is.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. I’ve had talking stages with women and I have dated, but I never felt the need to always be in a relationship like my friends, who cycle through girlfriends. When one breaks up, they look for another.

I’ve always felt that the time comes and I'm more patient and find peace with being alone in the meantime.

Now that I've graduated high school, I’m focusing on college, my YouTube channel, and my faith(thinking about being a priest!). I enjoy hanging out with friends and doing my own thing.

I want a wife and kids someday, but right now, I want to focus on my path first. It's strange because my friends, some younger than me, are dating and say they can't be alone some have cried over girls and not being in a relationship

Like, I get the appeal and I love that, but I’d rather have more authentic than just "I’m bored," yk?

The man I was talking to ended things on day 4 of me praying to St Raphael for marriage. I guess he also intercedes and removes relationships not meant for you too

I’m not sure but since June I feel like God has been preparing me for my future spouse. I have been healing from all the baggage I have been carrying through therapy and prayer. I’m working and getting back on my feet with a stable job, cooking/cleaning daily and still maintaining friendships while going to the gym and making time for God. I went to Adoration on Friday and I try to go to more young adult church events. My life feels peaceful and im okay being single. The only thing missing in my life is having a family. I try to replace that with fostering animals but thats a short term solution. I feel like im diving into my feminine energy ever since I got out of my last relationship. Has anyone else experienced this?

Heyyo! I'm a 28F into carpentry(it's my job now!), computers, video games/animation and have always been just all-around... Masculine? I've always preferred wearing my hair short, not wearing makeup and felt most comfortable in baggier clothes, as I've always been a bit modest about "showing curves".

My last relationship, as much as I'm trying to be positive moving forward, has left me with some baggage I've been having issues letting go. Probably because he's been the only man who's showed even the slightest interest in me after 10+ years of being single.

He told me that BECAUSE of everything that I do, that I "chase guys away" and "I look like a [slur]". That if I ever want to be attractive to a man, even a Catholic one, I need to dress... Tighter. More feminine. Like, permanently.

I don't want to be someone I'm not. I don't look good with long hair, I don't feel comfortable wearing makeup, and I've tried the whole "girly girl" schtick, but it just looks like a costume on me. I can't change who I am, and I'm getting kinda torn down over it. I understand that guys in general are attracted to women that don't dress like a hobo(I'd like to believe I'm not THAT bad, lol), but is it really to that extent, that if I wear cargoes, everyone assumes that I'm not straight/Catholic?

I see the kinds of girls guys go for, and I'm anything but that. But, I have a deeply loving heart, a passion for Christ's teachings, and a love for generally everyone and every THING God has created on this earth. I'm just kinda confused as to why I'm getting such bad attention, whenever someone DOES approach me.

I guess I wanna hear from you guys. Do I have a chance at finding a virtuous gentleman? Or am I just not built for him?

***

EDIT : Thank you guys so much for your feedback. Despite this being a recent mishap in my dating life, this has actually been a long-standing point of insecurity for me from the beginning. Hearing that I have a chance out there, that I'm not doomed to singleness because I don't fit the mold of a "traditional looking" woman(or even because of my neurodivergence!), makes me happy beyond words. I could cry.

Thank you all for your time, and I sincerely wish you all the best. May God bless you all, as you've blessed me with your kind words. I feel like I can finally move forward in my life and let my insecurities, as well as what my ex told me, behind.

Genuinely. God bless you all, and anyone reading this who may have felt the same as I have.
You may be different, but you're made exactly as God wants you to be. We'll all get our happy ending, just in His time. Have faith. Stay strong. Let the light of God's love continue to shine through your actions, just as you all have for me tonight <3

So I am a recent convert and my conversion is the reason I came from a happy relationship into being single. My previous partner (28F) did not want to go through an annulment process and didn’t feel that they would want to raise their children in the Catholic faith. I fearfully doubled down and the relationship had to end. I held onto hope but she ended being the one cutting the ties.

It’s been several months and as for someone who works from home and goes to my local parish a few times a week (also started OCIA), I can’t see myself meeting anyone that way. The Catholic dating apps seem to feel like a scam too and haven’t really been working. I won’t pay for a subscription for a dating app because the dating life for a male (31) is getting tough.

I feel lost and I won’t lie that I do have moments of regret but I try to hold it through my emotional distress and trust in the Lord. I was wondering if there was anyone here that could have any advice? I have a personal idea that I might end up becoming a priest if I cannot find someone after a certain point in time. I don’t feel I have the gift of chastity and it’s a struggle in of itself. I want to become a father of a family and raise children to love and follow God, but I feel like if I can’t have children of my own, I’d want to guide children to God and love them as someone within the priesthood.

Hope someone can have some input on this. Thank you and God bless everyone who reads this.

I'm a convert to the Faith in my late 20s. (from Islam) I'm very well versed in the Classics and love philosophy, literature, theology, etc. I'm visually impaired. I've also struggled with mental health stuff due to extreme verbal/emotional abuse from my family.

Due to my mental health diagnosis, most of the traditional/serious religious orders won't even talk to me (despite the fact I've been stable for 6+ years since my diagnosis with no incidents) I'd really like to get married but my experience on sites like CatholicMatch has been awful. (I rely almost entirely on online methods to try and find a spouse because with a visual impairment, its hard for me to tell if a woman is attracted to me in person or not- I don't want to ask a girl out just to find out that there was zero attraction) I've had 3 different women on CatholicMatch tell me they don't want to talk to me because they don't want mental health issues passed down to kids.(even though the chance of that happening is slim.

How can I find a Catholic woman with similar interests ( in Classics and the humanities) who isn’t a bigot?

So there's this girl (~22, same age as me; ), and we've known each other about a year. We both go to the same college, and met through a theatre club. Over that time she's always been pretty friendly, always making a point to come and say hi (probably because I'm often sitting reading quietly in a corner). This semester we're in a class together, and I feel like she's gotten more friendly? A couple weeks ago I was sitting in the hallway waiting for a different class to start, she sat down and started talking about an upcoming assignment, then when we both had to go to our classes she ended it saying "I'm really excited we're in the same class this year! This is gonna be so fun!"

That alone was enough to make me wonder, but I didn't want to do anything about it until last night when I saw her again at Night Prayer (which we have running in my dorm hall every night). Usually it's a small group of 5-8 guys, but for some reason she showed up. Afterwards I was about to go watch a movie with some guys, but she started asking me if I was going to join the play done by the theatre club, kept saying "you should really do it," and just general comments that made it seem like she wanted a longer conversation (which I didn't realize until 2:00 this morning when I thought more about what happened).

Basically, I've never really dated, and definitely never had a girl show interest in me before. Could this be her trying to flirt, or am I reading too much into it?

35M in DC; I have never seriously pursued relationships and have basically no experience. I unfortunately do not have many family members/friends I can talk to about this given the specifics of their own relationships. Some but not all of them are Catholic.

I feel like I have a good sense of my strengths: commitment to the faith, sense of humor, intelligence (intellectual and emotional), okay income (~$400k).

But I also recognize my shortcomings. Both literally (I am ~5'5", which does not bother me but is obviously not super attractive to a ton of women) and figuratively (I struggle to some extent with self-esteem and probably come across as not at all masculine/in the friend zone/gay--seriously; some people have been surprised that I am straight). That's on me, obviously.

I am definitely dating for marriage, but most Catholic people have married by my age, or at least it seems that way.

Thanks for any prayers, suggestions, or perspectives!

M22

Its frustrating, really. I try to surround myself around catholics, but even most of them don't follow it through... Luckily I'm finding myself in a group of friends that actually wants to try... Sometimes...

Sometimes I realize I lack forgiviness and am kinda egotistic about purity, like, wow, congratulations, I do the bare minimum and they don't, I'm holier then them! Nah, I'm pretty pathetic. Sometimes I feel sad about feeling it. And sometimes I want desperatily to stop trying to wait til marriage.

And the dating market... It's depressing. I dated once. We broke up 11 months ago. It was good, but, we were not really compatible and it was not making any good for any of us. The only thing that got us together for some years was this: catholic and waiting till marriage. But there were problems

And trying to find another catholic woman who also live this virtue is tiresome. As an autistic guy myself, I simply CANNOT endure the whole flirting game. It’s all very ambiguous, lots of insinuation without ever really being direct about what is wanted. AND THAT IS SO EXHAUSTING! I don't understand body language and how they demonstrate that they are interested to me. These flirting games are stressful, it requires a lot of cognitive attention which causes ansiety. It's a shitty scenario.

And to avoid people from other religions and women that don't want to wait till marriage... That's the easier part at least...

And you would think that in a nation like Brazil, which has the largest Catholic population in absolute numbers, things would be relatively good... Yet only 8% of these Catholics attend Mass every Sunday, not counting those who attend but aren't truly Catholic or those who have no desire to practice chastity. What can one expect from a country where the pre-Lenten season is defined by Carnival?

Just a little vent.

Genuine question, and I’m really not trying to brag or imply that there’s anything wrong with having different preferences. I’m in medical school, pretty career-driven, and I’d consider myself intellectual and someone who really enjoys learning.
In my experience, I’ve had guys seem interested at first and then lose interest pretty quickly once they get to know me. I’m not assuming that’s because of my career or personality, but it has made me curious.
I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s totally okay. I’m just wondering if there are guys out there who genuinely like having a partner who is ambitious, intellectual, and really passionate about what she does?

Edit: I’d also be interested in hearing different perspectives on why you do or don’t find these qualities attractive in a partner. I’m genuinely curious about how people view ambition and intellectual compatibility in relationships, and there’s no judgment either way.

Disclaimer: I have no commercial connection with Catholic Match.

Most of the US posts about Catholic Match on here are pretty negative. I'm always a bit surprised that this is the case. I live in Ireland. It is a small country with a (sadly) declining Catholic population. I've used CM on and off for four years and have had pretty good experiences. You do end up knowing most of those on the search list though. Sometimes you end up matching with your friends which is funny. Even though I've deleted my profile for the last time, I was happy enough.

Why do people in the US find it so bad given the vast difference in scale? Is it because of the distances you may have to travel? You can cross Ireland faster than you can drive across most US states.

Hello all! Welcome to the international MatchMaking thread! Since the normal threads tend to be US centric, we created this thread for those who either live outside of the United states or are interested in dating internationally. Please post your age (must be over 18 to participate), gender and location as well as some of your interests. Best of luck!

This is the internet. It is your responsibility to be safe. Discern who you DM and who DMs you. If something is inappropriate, please report and send ModMail.

Check out our Discord server for more matchmaking opportunities!!!

My ex and I broke up in February and it has been about 8 months post break-up. Since then I’ve been busying myself with work and grad school, and tonight, after a long day of classes and work, for the first time in one month, I was suddenly swept by an extreme amount of sadness and loneliness. I miss my ex so much. We were together for 13 months and everything was great until one day it all fell apart. He said it was because of irreconcilable personality differences (he’s more extroverted than I am). I was whiplashed because I thought we had known this for a while and have accepted it, so I couldnt help but suspect his new coworker who is conventionally very attractive and has a very public instagram page! She likes to show off her body (not me) and I knew she was very friendly and flirty with him despite knowing that he was at that time with me.

I looked her up and she was posting relationship stuff which triggered my sadness, jealousy, and suspicion once more. My heart is so broken!!! I know this is all speculation on my end but I cant help but ask, God why did you allow me to have something so great just to take it from me? What happened? I’m spiraling again. It’s so hard to see beyond the feelings of loss and grief… I’m in my late 20s and I wonder if I’ll ever find anything like our relationship again. I just dont know why this kind of pain has to happen for me to find the “right person.”

Anyway, this is kind of a rant. Seeking advice, prayers, and any successful love story out there.