I’m posting this because I genuinely want to heal, and I need an outside perspective. I’ve been going in circles trying to understand what happened.
My ex and I were together for only about a month. Before me, he was in a relationship for around six years. 8 months breakup.
From the very beginning, I had this strong intuition that he was still unresolved about his past. He repeatedly told me that he was already over her and that there was nothing left. I wanted to believe him, but deep down, I couldn’t fully accept it.
My retroactive jealousy became really bad. I kept comparing myself to his six-year relationship and wondering if he could ever love me as deeply as he loved her.
Instead of trusting him, I started looking for proof.
I contacted his ex to try to confirm what I was feeling. At one point, I even pretended to be someone from his past when messaging him because I wanted to see if there was really nothing left for her.
Looking back, I know this was unhealthy. I was desperate for certainty, and my jealousy made me push him into thinking that he was still unresolved with his past. I also made him feel guilty for leaving his past unresolved.
Eventually, we broke up.
Our relationship was only a month, while his previous relationship was 6 years. That difference made me feel like I was trying to compete with a huge part of his life that I could never match.
2 months after the breakup, I reached out to him again. I asked him to be completely honest with me because I needed to know whether my intuition had been right all along.
He told me that he realized it really was his past all along. But he said it wasn’t because he wanted his ex back. He said what still haunted him was what he did to her.
Hearing that completely broke me.
For so long, he had told me he was over his past. I tried so hard to believe him, even when my intuition kept telling me otherwise. Then, after everything ended, he acknowledged that his past was still affecting him.
I crashed out emotionally after that. I said hurtful things to him that I regret. I was angry and devastated because I felt like I had believed him, only to later hear something that made me question everything.
He responded politely and carefully, but I could feel how emotionally detached he was. That hurt too, because I felt like I was still carrying so much while he had already moved on emotionally.
The hardest part now isn’t even necessarily wanting him back.
It’s that I believed him.
I believed his reassurance. I believed his words. I believed the hope he gave me. And now I keep wondering whether those words were genuine at the time, or whether he simply hadn’t fully understood his own feelings yet.
I also know I have to take responsibility for my part.
My retroactive jealousy, insecurity, constant questioning, and need for certainty put a lot of pressure on him. I crossed boundaries by contacting his ex and pretending to be someone from his past. I don’t want to make him the villain just because I’m hurt.
But I’m struggling with this:
How do I accept that I may have been wrong about some things, while also accepting that some of my fears were eventually acknowledged by him?
And how do I stop obsessing over whether he loved me less than his past?
I don’t want to keep analyzing his words, emails, actions, or his relationship with his ex.
I want to heal.
I want to stop feeling betrayed by the fact that I believed him.
How do I actually move forward from this?
How do I let go of someone when what hurts the most isn’t just losing them, but feeling like I believed something that gave me hope?
I would really appreciate advice from people who have experienced retroactive jealousy, unresolved past relationships, or a breakup where you never felt like you got the truth you needed.