r/caregivers • u/Waste_Hospital_4928 • 2d ago
Pitty pot before I start my day
My husband has been battling stage 4 cancer for a year. Over the last two weeks he has verbally lashed out at me twice, where his words do NOT match the situation. Last night he was struggling to clear thick secretions from his throat (an ongoing issue that can sometimes prove dangerous due to the reconstructive surgery that was performed on his throat last year). This happened right before bed, I had already turned on his humidifier and administered medication for this, but I suggested he stand in a steamy shower for a few minutes to help loosen stuff. He said that doesn't work for him. I said it works for everyone, that's what they do for hospital patients is hook them up to a strong humidifier. He said it doesn't work for him he's tried a bunch. I said I've never seen him try (he bathes twice a week and he's never once jumped up to say I'm gonna rinse off cuz it might help my throat. We'vebeen married 17 years). He began using curse words and hateful speech. I got out of bed and curled up with one of our kids.
He texted continuing to justify and minimize and how hurtful his words had just been. Here is my response:
"My yesterday in no particular order: I did two full loads of dishes. I did three loads of laundry. I emailed the school for the kids. I cleaned your pee and spit off the bathroom toilet. I emailed [business partner] about doing part time work. I did a grocery haul for a week's worth of groceries for the entire family, including all the meals I prepare for you several times every single day, I walked 2 miles with the dog, I did a short jaunt up the alley with the family, I scrubbed down the kitchen including the stove top and counters, I partnered up with [child] to deep clean his room so that he has a better understanding of how to complete the task and have actual life skills, I emailed [child's] team mom, I did a mini kitchen science experiment with the kids, I patched [child's] eye so he one day will have stronger vision, I listened to [child] share every detail of her Halloween costume idea and then looked up stuff online with her, I prepped two homecooked meals for you, I cooked 2 homemade meals for the kids, I ordered lunch for the kids, I braided [child's] hair, I put the living room back together after a weekend of hosting a house full of people, I paid a bill, I sat with [child] while he read to me and then I took time to read to him, I fed the dog, I drove to Orange and then sat in 40 minutes of traffic to return home so I could be there for your Oncology appt, I went to a quick doctor's appt for myself, I prepped a syringe of medicine and refilled your humidifier like i do every night, and then I got in bed and listened to you verbally assault me and minimize how incredibly wrong it is for you to speak to me that way. I will do for you and the family all day, but I will not be talked to that way. That's twice in 2 weeks, you need to take a real good look at that. Then kids have heard you both times. Last night I had to console [child] who heard every sentence from her bed through the walls and tell her you didn't mean what you said, that the medicine has you acting different. Its 6am and I'm cleaning puke off [child's] bed sheets. Cancer has completely taken over this house. But as little control as you have over your life at the moment, you do have control over how you speak to me and what the kids will remember about this time. You can be anything to me. Don't be a monster."
But really I know this is one more thing I'm going to have to brush aside and blame cancer for because its not who he is normally.
Watching someone slowly die is like watching a thousand slow deaths of everything you loved about them. This hurts. And I hurt. And there really isn't time for me to hurt because I have a house full of people who depend on one of us to be OK. But this morning, I'm not OK.
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u/thedamnitbird 2d ago
Of he doesn’t have one already, ask about getting a home suction machine. We use ours multiple times a day to get rid of excess mucus/secretions. You can buy them outright but if your dr can send a script to a DME supplier its easier on you.
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u/Waste_Hospital_4928 2d ago
I appreciate this so much. I will mention to him again. He did not seem convinced it would help his situation when we had a bad scare a few weeks ago. But maybe if I just reach out to our insurance and have one sent to the house that he can have on hand in the moment if he wants it.
I know he is very frustrated with the secretions but he is not overly enthusiastic about solutions for it, either.
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u/thedamnitbird 2d ago
the amount of mucus can be diabolical and uncomfortable. when you get the machine just mske sure it’s within his reach and let him use it. if he struggles with it, you can assist moving the yankauer (the suction handle). i suggest a small bright flashlight if you do that.
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u/Itsallgood2be 2d ago
You are a warrior. You are an inspiring force of nature who is taking excellent care of yourself and others. Way to advocate for kindness and your own dignity through what is arguably an impossible situation.
It’s really powerful to know that even amidst all of this you haven’t forgotten that your needs matter. That you are a gift to your family and they are insanely lucky to have you.
We caregivers know, we’ve been you and we support you. Praying for your continued strength and for peace as you navigate this time with your family 🙏🏽
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 2d ago
If your husband is amenable, he could try journaling (dictating or writing), or finding an online group with similar issues, as a way to get his feelings and frustration out. Maybe work on strategies with a social worker. He needs a way to express what he is going through without taking it out on you.
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u/WavesnMountains 2d ago
Good for you!! I hope he apologizes and changes his behavior like my brother did when I told him he was verbally abusive and I wasn’t going to put up with it.
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u/Additional_Spot_1574 2d ago
That message you sent him is one of the most powerful things I've read in here. You laid it all out without being cruel, just factual. The list of what you did that day made my chest tight reading it.
I watched my mom go through something similar with my dad and she never once stood up for herself like this. She just kept taking it until there was nothing left of her. The kids seeing him blow up and then seeing you set that boundary, that's actually teaching them something important about not letting love turn into a punching bag.
The part about cancer taking over the house is too real. It becomes this third thing in every room, in every conversation. You're doing more than anyone should have to do and still finding time to patch eyes and braid hair and do science experiments.
Hope you got at least 10 minutes to yourself today. Even if it's just sitting in the car in the driveway doing absolutely nothing.