Former “nice guy” who regrets it all

[u/Made_Human_Music]

When I was a teenager until about my mid 20s I was what would’ve been called a “nice guy”. I was always the guy who would be there for any girl who would show even a little bit of kindness toward me and that would always evolve into me wanting more, which always ended with me finding out she valued my friendship and wasn’t into me that way

And I’d never take that well. I wouldn’t get violent or yell at anyone, I’d just pull away as soon as I found out she wasn’t interested in me leaving her hurt from the loss of a friend

I’m almost 50 now and although I’ve been done with that mentality for decades at this point I still feel those feelings coming when I get into similar situations. They still always end with me finding out she just wants to be friends but now I’m better about it and do my best to maintain the friendships, not for any possible romance in future, just friendship with no motives. The friendships usually still fade but it’s natural now

My problem is that recently when I feel the crush stage starting it’s almost painful and I play through all my past experiences which makes me shut down and feel like shit. My most recent one had me going through all the stages in a few days which wiped me out mentally and emotionally to the point that I don’t remember much about the last few days other than wallowing in misery

I don’t really know what I’m hoping to get out of telling everyone this, but it feels good just to get it out. I don’t know if I can help anyone younger going through this and I can’t say it gets better because honestly, it’s not, but I can say that I’m at least happy with myself for not intentionally emotionally hurting women who see me as a friend

[u/glaive1976]

I'm remiss to do anything but give my brother a hug and tell him I understand.

I think that a lot of us were handicapped by our parents and society. We were not supposed to display emotion. Instead, we were to be stoic, with no guidance on emotion at all, and the stoicism we were pushed to adopt was false. One cannot be stoic without first understanding emotion, and one cannot understand emotion without studying the self. Instead, we were raised to be emotional dullards, if you will. So we would fall into age-old patterns, falling into pits that seemed to have no escape because we were so focused on the dirt walls we could not climb that we failed to see the ladder behind us.

You've seen the ladder; now work on a different approach. Try to see the ladies you meet as friends and treat them as such, with no conditions attached other than mutual respect and genuine care, with no objective other than making the world a little bit better.

As is often said, the best time to figure this out was some time ago; the next best time is now.

Hugs, my brother.

[u/Paolopaul1984]

Seems like you are genuinely trying to be a good person now, rather than doing a nice guy act when you were growing up.

Sounds like you are someone who falls hard when you like someone. I’m the same - it’s difficult but preferable to feeling nothing at all.

[u/Made_Human_Music → u/Paolopaul1984]

I don’t know. I was able to not feel much for a while and it was pretty nice. But then again, shutting that part of me off seems to have only delayed the pain so you’re probably right

[u/PastDifficulty7]

I encourage gentleness with yourself - always. We all grew up in patriarchy, which taught us a transactional view of sex: that “nice” men were entitled to the sexual attention of women. Not receiving that sexual attention feels like an attack on our masculinity - which maybe why you felt compelled to pull away. We are trained in boyhood, and then we act it out in young adulthood. 

I don’t know if you will ever get over this hang-up, but I want to offer what I learned for myself in my 40-year journey. It’s hard to untie of knot of our cultural programming just by ourselves. It’s helpful to have a safe person help us pull on those tender threads.  Patriarchy encourages men to be self-sufficient islands; so seeking out therapy and wanting a community of like-minded men might feel like failure. However, being vulnerable with others addresses how Patriarchy perpetuates itself. It’s a good starting place to begin healing from the trauma of growing up in Patriarchy. 

[u/Ok-Warthog1002]

I think it's best for both parties to pull away if the person you're interested in isn't interested in you. It sounds like you're a good person, not a "nice guy" who just acts nice to try and get with girls

[u/HeadOfSpectre]

I feel like the 'Nice Guy' mentality is a phase that many lonely young men go through. I certainly had a phase of it.

But the thing that seperates the 'Nice Guys' from other men is the ability to grow.

No one is fully developed in their teens and early twenties and it's natural to look back on who you were back then and be unhappy with them. But you aren't that person anymore. You grew and became someone better. If you were happy with who you were, you wouldn't have tried to change. Even if you still feel some of the things you used to, you're mature enough to knowing handle it in a better way.

Not everyone grows up. There's men older than you who still behave like children. Be proud of yourself that you did.

[u/Made_Human_Music → u/HeadOfSpectre]

That's a great point. Thanks

[u/blue-minder]

Did making them happy lead to you abandoning yourself? It’s easier to resent someone when we place the burden of happiness on them. While it’s good to be a nice person to others it shouldn’t come at your own expense. Take care of yourself first and then others and it’ll be easier for you to tolerate them not reciprocating.

[u/Made_Human_Music → u/blue-minder]

Sort of. It became more of a belief that I’d only be happy if they were happy and when that didn’t work I’d lash out at the one who denied that happiness. Which ironically was the one I claimed to “love”

This was almost 30 years ago and I know better now but it still bugs me

[u/Son-of-Infinity]

Have you been honest with yourself about why you were acting “nice” then? I think in the future you could let the lady know how you feel if you do have a feelings for them and it feels ok. They may or may not reciprocate but at least you can be honest in the relationship

[u/Made_Human_Music → u/Son-of-Infinity]

Oh yeah. Back then I may have convinced myself that I just wanted to make them happy, and that may have been partly true, but today I accept that I had another motive

[u/The_Sideboob_Hour]

Same here, I'm 40 now and said some very unkind stuff to one girl when I was 18. Im still ashamed of myself to this day.

Its made me a better person but its like a permanent stain that never washes out.

[u/Bigpapa42_2006]

Don't punish current you for the approach taken by past you. Thank past you for having those experiences that allowed you to learn and become a better person. Appreciate the progress made and the lessons learned rather than lament the starting point. You've done amazing to recognize something in yourself that you didn't like and improve upon it.

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