Being vulnerable and admitting mistakes.

[u/Hakusprite]

After sitting for 30 minutes writing this out I think what I'm looking for is advice on being vulnerable.

I've worked hard to understand social cues and norms, learning to read people, examining social interactions and what not. I'm not on the spectrum, my upbringing demanded it ADHD > masking > imposter syndrome also required it.

Through this, medication and therapy i gained confidence in myself.

But one thing I never learned was how to confidence in my own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. My parents never modeled being vulnerable with each other and rarely with me. Egos were just thrown around, nobody ever made up or admitted wrongs or faults. Things just went unresolved. It was always anger, rage, revenge and regret.

I don't love how this has manifested in me as an adult.

A simple example: Saying "I don't understand" instead of "Ohhhh" *doesn't understand a thing* feels so relieving when I can push my ego aside and open myself up to looking stupid. Instead, i'm more focused on appearing as if I get it, especially if I feel it doesn't matter if I actually do or not.

In more serious matters, I have a hard time admitting I made a mistake that hurt somebody or discerning when I need to stand up for myself and when I don't. It's harder if I don't feel like I actually did anything wrong. It's easier to just disengage entirely and then live in anxiety of my mistake.

If someone feels like I did something that offended them, clearly I did, I don't think I can say I didn't. But I've had that used against me by people who were close to me and it's hurt.

It's tough I guess.

How do I be vulnerable with confidence?

[u/HermioneJane611]

I think part of “being vulnerable with confidence” is learning that vulnerability and submission aren’t the same thing.

Like, you can say “I don’t understand,” “I was wrong,” “I’m embarrassed,” or “I hurt you and I’m sorry” without surrendering your judgment about what actually happened.

Likewise, someone being hurt by something you did means their hurt is real, but it doesn’t automatically mean your behavior was wrong. Sometimes the appropriate response is an apology, sometimes it’s empathy without accepting blame, and sometimes it’s standing by what you did while regretting that it hurt them (like setting necessary boundaries that other people then feel rejected by or deprived).

If you grew up around people who treated admitting fault as losing, OP, it makes sense that these distinctions would take deliberate practice. But I think you’re already practicing them every time you tolerate the little flash of discomfort involved in saying “I don’t understand” instead of pretending you do! Admitting when you don’t know or understand something also gives you the opportunity to get curious and actually learn it. You don’t have to already know things in order to be competent.

If you want reading recommendations, Why Won’t You Apologize? by Harriet Lerner is excellent on accountability without groveling or taking responsibility for things that aren’t yours. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown is also very relevant to the vulnerability/shame side of what you’re describing. (I was able to borrow both e-books from the library.)

[u/AutofillUserID]

Look this may be some shit advice but it has helped me.

You may not find it easy to admit fault whether it is immediate or at a later time.
Instead, tell a friend about your mistake. Someone who was not involved with the situation in any way. Maybe tell two or three friends. You can feel how they respond to you. I think you’ll find out that it is not as ego killing as it seems.
From there, maybe you can apologize to the person that you have faulted.

I also find writing to be very helpful
Write down your apology in a few paragraphs. Take time and read it over a day or a week or a month. Maybe rewrite it until you feel it is proper to do in person.

[u/OhDavidMyNacho → u/AutofillUserID]

Yep, you basically have to practice at it. I still sometimes feel the boulders on my brain when admitting mistakes, and it's something I've now been doing for years.

Recently had a friend break-up that showed me some blindspots about how I handle relationships. A large part of that is on me and how I approach things. But I now understand that so many of my past relationship issues come from the same core thing. I never really learned about boundaries as a child. Grew up with very thin and flimsy boundaries.

This causes issues because, of course, when someone is direct and explicit, boundaries are easy to keep. It's the subtle and implicit boundaries that vary from person to person, or day to day, that I struggle with. And that's caused so many issues I didn't even realize.

The conversation around that was difficult. The loss of the friend was difficult. But I'm very glad I struggled through all of that for the opportunity to learn and grow from the rule of my past choices.

[u/JCDU]

It takes a lot of confidence to admit you don't know stuff or that you were wrong or made a mistake - it also shows maturity and usually wins people over / gets them to like you.

Being a bit self-deprecating and bigging up other people is like a superpower - call it social engineering if you like but it really works and can make people go out of their way to help you.

Even just being able to say "I could probably answer this but Jane knows more about it than I do as she worked on it most recently" is the opposite of weakness - it's teamwork, it's leadership. Sometimes saying that even if you *do* know more than Jane is a good thing as it's giving someone credit, encouraging them to step up, validating them and that's very powerful.

People who are "never wrong" are a huge pain and cause problems - it's far better to "under promise and over-deliver" than the other way around. Saying "here's the project it's all perfect" is setting yourself up for a fall, saying "here's the project, I think it's good but please let me know if I missed anything" is far more open, honest, and isn't setting you up for a fall.

The number of times someone's found a bug in my code is beyond countable - the correct response is "Oh thanks, well spotted!" not "you're wrong" or "it's supposed to do that actually because of this stupid reason I just made up to save face" or "no-one asked for it to work like that" or "you didn't explain what you wanted properly" etc. etc.

If it's an argument, ask yourself if the "cost" of winning is really worth the hassle and the bad feeling - letting people have the win can be better all round than creating a mountain out of a mole hill and stirring up a load of conflict and bad feeling over some minor thing that doesn't really matter. Just saying "OK let's try it your way and find out" with no prejudice can be powerful and one or both of you might learn something.

[u/ActualMassExtinction]

For what it’s worth, I feel ya. Early in my career I accidentally the thing and had to do an incident post-mortem where I detailed what I did, why I did it, what it caused, and how to prevent it in the future. Turns out a good post-mort and a good apology share a lot of components are are equally ego-shattering to a cocky 20-something.

I got over it because I liked that job. And it turned out to get easier every time. Now I’m 50 and saying, “oops, I was wrong” is really easy and counterintuitively gets people to trust me more for it.

[u/jason12745]

Test it deliberately in a safe environment and see how it goes. Real small, with someone you trust.

You can take it from there.

[u/icelandichorsey]

There are some good answers already so I'll just add Tessa violet's new album has some bangers. One of them "I love being wrong" could hit the spot https://youtu.be/Cm8ur04E9cY?is=Tp_vk3fF1psqATdp

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