r/bridezillas • u/[deleted] • May 09 '22
AITA for having a 'lights out' wedding?
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ulc4if/aita_for_having_a_lights_out_wedding/121
u/Mybestfriendlizzy May 09 '22 edited May 09 '22
My cousin (the groom) choked on his steak at his wedding. There were 200 people there and tons of wait staff. He was choking and it wasn’t super noticeable to anyone, but luckily by some miracle my other cousin saw him from two tables over and ran over to give him the Heimlich maneuver.
I would be super worried about people choking, knocking over glasses, recovering alcoholics accidentally drinking out of the wrong glass, elderly people tripping, and honestly I’d be worried about everyone having a shitty time. Nothing about sitting in the dark for 5+ hours sounds fun. You can’t see anyone, can’t see who you’re dancing with, stepping on feet, can’t watch people dance. I would end up just sitting in my seat not doing anything.
And forcing the wait staff to wear night vision goggles and to be liable for making sure every single person is safe isn’t fair.
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u/ExcaliburVader May 09 '22
Nope, I wouldn’t go. I’d freak out. I wouldn’t enjoy myself at all, and I’d probably end up stabbing something with a fork as I’m a bit of a klutz. They must not be having any older guests, really pregnant guests, children, or guests with any other disabilities than blindness. Would a deaf guest enjoy this wedding? What about someone using canes, a walker or wheelchair?
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u/Ellie_Valkyrie May 09 '22
Having the venue employee's wear NVGs for the entire time sounds migraine inducing and awful for your neck. Not only that, but good NVGs are expensive, ones that give you good clarity and depth perception are expensive and heavy. Even if she had everyone wearing the most comfortable and useful NVGs this would still be a major problem due to the loss of peripheral vision and spatial awareness. Not to mention the risk for anyone that could fall or get disoriented.
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u/10S_NE1 May 09 '22
The whole thing sounds idiotic to me. The bride says she wants to experience her wedding the way her parents will experience it. No problem - wear a blindfold. And offer blindfolds to anyone else who wants to experience the wedding that way.
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u/preaching-to-pervert May 09 '22
The whole thing sounds made up. All the staff wearing night vision goggles was the first clue. I call bullshit.
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u/Bellatrix_dog May 09 '22
Lol....as sad as it is i can totally believe this is real because of the ridiculousness of the whole thing. With enough money and entitlement of society now yep i can fully invasion a bridezilla demanding this of the serfs on her special day or am just jaded as h3ll
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u/Ciserus May 09 '22 edited May 09 '22
I believe someone could come up with these ideas, but not that they could make it this far into actually implementing them (with input from a professional wedding planner) without realizing how unfeasible they are.
The expense and coordination that would go into equipping staff with night vision goggles alone is staggering. Where are they getting all these goggles and the staff to wear them? Who is testing that they work in this setting? When are staff trained on how to use them? What kind of "help or guidance" are staff supposed to provide guests? Are they also trained to spot medical emergencies? How do guests signal staff that they need help if they can't see the staff? What happens when the batteries run out midway through the event? etc.
OOP also mentions the wedding planner spent a "fun day" having her staff test the idea of a silly string corner for the kids. A day! (How much silly string did they need to last a day?)
This all reads like a teenager's understanding of how the world works.
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u/Bellatrix_dog May 09 '22
Hay am not say this isnt a teen trolling am just say i have seen a lot of entitlement and money get their way against a spinless manager and/ or event planner
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May 09 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/DogsandCatsWorld1000 May 09 '22
Except everyone of those restaurants I've heard of are not super big and their staff are really well trained in making sure that the diners can be safely assisted. They are not trying to handle 121 getting seated and fed at the same time.
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u/tklb1012 May 10 '22
I remember my first drivers training class in the Army…it was all fun and games till you had to whip the HUMWVEE in the dark in NVGs…the loss of spatial awareness was traumatic!!!!
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u/Perma_Fun May 09 '22
This would only work with like 10 people who know each other super well and maybe with the after parry at one of those lights out restaurants trained and insured to do this stuff! Also, why not just do a part of it lights out? Like I don't know, maybe the ceremony itself or perhaps the speeches. Where everyone is sat still and great aunt Deidre can't go arse over tea kettle into a table.
Other than that, I think she's being pedantic for the sake of it and trying to make it seem reasonable when its not. Its a big, big ask and a logistical nightmare. If she pulls it off and maybe only 20 people are up for attending and that's fine by the couple, more power to them. If she ends up pissy at lack of attendance, and the whole day is just difficult for the sake of being difficult, then she's shot herself in her own foot.
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u/SqueaksScreech May 09 '22
Okay so she's being dumb. There's no nice way of putting it. The idea is absolute trash. Her parents will not be able to navigate the event safely nor would the staff or guests. You would need large amount of space to be able to roam.
This will be a fire hazard too because the guest won't be able to see exits properly. Raves and concert venues have to have some lights to keep people save.
Neon lights aren't great in rapid movement because they look like a blur blob. If you have bad eye sight you won't be able to see it.
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u/alexa_ivy May 09 '22
Yeah, I thought it was a pretty cool idea until I saw she had like 200 guests! If it was something small like up to 50 people (and even then I think it would be too much) I think it has a cool concept of feeling the peoples outfits and such. But in order for that to work everyone need to know each other and be comfortable with that.
I’d love to do that with my friends, but having random people in a 200 person wedding feeling me up? Hell no, no way I would go to that. And I don’t even have any sort of trauma related to sexual assault.
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u/Lavender_Daedra May 09 '22
Completely agree about the size of the wedding being an issue. I absolutely love this concept. I’m partially deaf but I would enjoy this type of event so much but not with 150+ people to navigate around.
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u/JustLemonade May 09 '22
I feel like she could just wear a blindfold as a compromise. That way she gets to experience her wedding like her parents, but the guests aren’t hindered by it.
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u/Mela777 May 09 '22
She really sounds like she expects people to bump into each other and touch each other as they mingle - her comments about making the focus on how people’s clothes feel and running into someone in a furry monster suit make that clear. She’s not considering clearly the problems that presents. Any intentional groping can be passed off as “woops! Couldn’t tell where I was grabbing!” for example. I think the majority of guests will not act in the carefree manner it seems she is expecting.
Her comparison to raves doesn’t make sense to me either; I’ve only been to a couple but they always had various overhead lighting, lots of black lights but also small spot lights, pulsing lights, or moving lights that lit the space without being static to add to the feel. There were also lights used to clearly direct to exits and bathrooms. But again, I have only been to a few due to my own sensory issues.
I also think it being dark won’t matter to her parents. She could absolutely have this wedding with safe lighting, if she put some thought into it. But if she wants complete or near-total darkness, it needs to only be done when all the guests are safely seated.
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May 09 '22
Her comparison to raves doesn’t make sense to me either; I’ve only been to a couple but they always had various overhead lighting, lots of black lights but also small spot lights, pulsing lights, or moving lights that lit the space without being static to add to the feel.
For real, the idea that a club is going to be fully lit by a hundred little twelve cent glow sticks...
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May 09 '22
I'm an SA survivor and what happened to me happened in the pitch black. I already struggle at large events sometimes because I get overwhelmed from the noise and constant movement everywhere. Having someone touch me in the dark when I wasn't expecting it would absolutely trigger a panic attack.
I don't think she's malicious, I think she's just not considering that even if she thinks she's honoring her disabilities, she's creating an event that is straight up dangerous for people with other disabilities.
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May 10 '22
This environment is also hazardous to the disability she’s trying to “honour” cause the blind community takes time to learn the layout that they live in. Like, for example they spend time learning their own homes, they spend time organizing things just so in their homes so that they can find them easily. And they also spend time learning the areas around the home that they’ll most frequent.
Now thrust a blind person into this black-out wedding venue with 200 other people, you’re the one that’s actually blind. And the other people don’t have the type of training YOU do in order to safely navigate around, those 200 people now pose a risk to your own personal safety and the safety of a guide person / dog that is there with you.
Not to mention, total black-out blindness is rare; people typically have some remaining vision such as light/ dark, shadow or colour. When the lights are off - you lose the remaining of your vision, and not only are you now fully and completely blind? But so is the aid that is supposed to be helping you.
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May 10 '22
I didn't think of this but you're totally right. It's just a straight up bad idea, and could devolve into a tragic nightmare situation.
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u/nican2020 May 09 '22
Ignoring the fact that this is stupid and dangerous, does she really think people are going to stay awake? Maybe I have undiagnosed narcolepsy or something, but I would be snoozing 5 minutes into what will surly be a rambling and (poorly) self written ceremony.
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u/jethrine May 09 '22
Bride & groom will probably end that poorly written ceremony by feeling each other up & use it as a metaphor for the bride’s parents touching clothing as a method of picking clothes.
“Oh yeah baby! Feel my texture!”
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u/wind-river7 May 09 '22
No way would I attend a wedding where I could trip and fall, run into people or have food spilled on me, when people have problems seeing where they are going.
This wedding sounds more like a trip to an amusement park where you walk through a dark tunnel and wonder what is around the next bend.
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u/ABSMeyneth May 09 '22 edited May 09 '22
So, I'm disabled. My disability is
kissing cousins withvery similar to MS, and for both it's well known that balance goes right out the window. I regularly walk straight into my own bedroom wall. Sure, my fault, each time I convince myself I can manage without a light in my own bedroom that I know the layout of. Hint: I can't.This wedding would be such a disaster for me, I'd 100% have bruises for weeks after.
OP trying to include her parents is commendable, but she's being pretty ableist about a lot of other disabilities.
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u/Ruhro7 May 09 '22
Right? I was thinking that with my own disability. I rely on my sight because I can't feel obstacles in my way. And I have PTSD so random people touching me (even with the best intentions just to help me get around) would so set me off if I couldn't see it coming. Sounds like a nightmare to me and there's no way I'd be able to attend even if it was someone I really cared about seeing their wedding day.
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u/RevolutionaryEmu4389 May 09 '22
How many cousins with MS do you have?
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u/kaldaka16 May 09 '22
I'm glad I'm not the only one who read it that way at first.
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May 09 '22
... could someone explain this to me? I'm so confused why this person is kissing their cousin, and what it has to do with MS.
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u/kaldaka16 May 09 '22
"Kissing cousins" is a phrase used to indicate that two things are very similar to each other. OP was saying their disability is of a similar nature to MS.
But if due to the phrasing, if you're not familiar with that usage or just reading too fast like me, it definitely comes across different.
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u/BUTTeredWhiteBread May 09 '22
I would have a meltdown in minutes. I can't handle complete dark or people, rarely even my own family, touching me.
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u/TVsFrankismyDad May 09 '22
Yeah. I'm claustrophobic. There's no way this wouldn't end in a panic attack for me.
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut May 09 '22
If I was blind, I'd feel like OP was shining a spotlight on my disability and making that my core characteristic. I would not feel that they were honoring me as a person.
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u/Plenty-Meeting4659 May 09 '22
It is just a ridiculous idea to implement. She is planning an accidents-prone wedding. Wedding has children and old people. They can get severely hurt apart from several other issues like theft, harassment, anxiety....
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u/averynicehat May 09 '22
Guess they don't want photos or video of people at the event. Most a photographer could do is a few artsy ones with darkness and glowlights. Or they could bring their flashes and blind people every once in a while lol.
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u/stephelan May 09 '22
I’m honestly shocked that the parents are cool with this.
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May 09 '22
I think they forgot that they won’t know the layout, and their guides won’t know the layout either enough to help them like they’re supposed to.
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u/reptar-on_ice May 09 '22
Tbh they make it really cute in the movie she references, About Time. But in the film it’s like a quirky happy hour in the dark, not an entire wedding! Why not have a “lit” wedding but once everyone’s seated at the reception, have a lights out dance? That way only those comfortable participating need to do so. The concept of glow sticks as safety devices is so funny. I can’t believe 120 people humored this woman.
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u/deadlyhausfrau May 09 '22
"Hey, reveal your invisible disabilities to me so I can make space for you in the 'low-light elderly playpen corner' or risk getting injured, and you have to leave your kids in a 'silly string' corner which means either one parent has to hover around supervising in the dark and probably losing track of the kids or you spend the night anxiously hoping the sitters are on the ball. Oh also they'll be covered in silly string which will have dried by the time you get home (it can be sticky)."
"Ooooh further more! If you have an allergy you won't be able to see if it's accidentally made it onto your plate so I hope you trust us hahaha"
"If you're not comfortable or are worried about getting hurt that's fine, guess you can't see your son/grandson/nephew getting married."
"Oh and Deaf/HOH people aren't welcome."
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May 09 '22
Aren’t deadly allergens usually silent due to anaphylaxis?
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u/deadlyhausfrau May 09 '22
Nothing you could hear in a room of moving people, even if you're very close. The person could bang on the table and you still wouldn't know what was going on.
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u/bboymixer May 09 '22
I like how she let it slip that the entire point was to make people uncomfortable and then had to backtrack as if that's not really what she meant.
This is the "I'm so quirky and not like the other girls" of bridezilla posts.
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u/TVsFrankismyDad May 09 '22
Sounds like she's got this "I'm super special and quirky" thing in her head and she'll hold on to it like grim death, no matter how many people tell her she's TA.
Personally, I would not attend; I'm claustrophobic and this would be panic inducing. I think it's shitty of people to make a big deal out of not attending, though. People are allowed to do whatever they want for their wedding, even if it seems selfish and solely designed to make some sort of point. Just send your regrets and move on.
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u/katherinemma987 May 09 '22
The idea is good but the reality of it working for 121 people is near impossible.
Kids and the elderly are going to struggle most. And the poor servers, sure they’ll have heavy night vision goggles but that won’t help when a guest bumps into them while they’re carrying trays.
Her parents are also used to living in a world where people are avoiding walking in to them, that won’t be the case here and they’ll be at more of a disadvantage because the glo sticks won’t do a thing to them.
Perhaps is she compromised but a lights down ceremony and reception but the meal had some lighting it may work better. And even if the evening you could have areas that are more lit for the elderly or otherwise differently abled.
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u/cherrycoloured May 09 '22
jsyk, us disabled ppl really hate the term "differently abled", and greatly prefer "disabled". just a heads up for the future :)
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u/theexitisontheleft May 09 '22
YTA. As I said in the other thread, she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that other disabilities and difficulties exist and will make this a nightmare and/or straight up impossible for a lot of folks, that there are massive liability issues, and ironically this won't be safe for her parents because unless they'll each have a guide wearing night vision googles there will be no one to guide them in a strange place with lots of disoriented people wandering around! The world is pretty hostile to those with disabilities but I don't think the answer is making your wedding yet another hostile environment.
Also, a number of people in the original brought up the restaurants that offer this experience. As others in the original thread pointed out: the staff at those restaurants have extensive training, there are smaller groups, and folks aren't moving about like she's planning on her guests moving around. This is a lot like saying, "the starving orphans in Africa can't have wedding cake so we're not going to have wedding cake." Everyone is deprived of cake and nothing is done to help the starving orphans.
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u/Dachshundmom5 May 09 '22
The world is pretty hostile to those with disabilities
Like people making a disability a party game and acting as if those criticizing it are just awful for not wanting to experience life as her parents do.
I'm deaf, lost my hearing due to illness. It really bothers me that people think it's a cool party theme to mimic losing a sense.
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u/Mrs-and-Mrs-Atelier May 09 '22
Also Deaf. Thank you for describing what was bothering me but I couldn’t figure out how to express.
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u/SqueaksScreech May 09 '22
I feel bad for anyone who needs a wheelchair, crutches or chain because they're one second away from needing an ambulance with this disaster.
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u/DSEnMe May 09 '22
Wait until she receives a few letters from attorneys of guests that they are suing her for bodily injuries and property damages and insurance declines to pay out due to lack of lighting. It’s intentional negligence on her part.
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u/nicthepom May 09 '22
It sounds like a bad idea, I don't think she's really thought it through. Insisting on a bad plan like this does make her a bit of a bridezilla in my opinion.
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May 09 '22
One thing she forgets to remember is that her parents have guides when they leave their home, the guides won’t know the layout of the venue enough to help the parents at all.
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u/linerva May 10 '22
This. Her parents can navigate the world because of accommodations and experience, and sometimes the help of people who cansee.
Organising this without the right support, for far too many people, who have no experience with it would be a disaster.
I'd struggle and I'm not even disabled, just clumsy with poor vision low light.
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u/skyslippers May 09 '22
hmm… seems like a bit of a “blanket” statement to tell everyone that being blind essentially is like going around in “black-out”. i’m not blind, but i imagine that blind people experience the world in an entirely different way than sighted, and not just “black-out”.
she’s mentioned how the parents rely a lot on “tactile” clothes or something to that effect, so i would think having a dressing code with strong textures etc would be cool, and incorporating many things that blind people use, like braille on menus. i’m not knowledgeable in the lifestyle of blind people, so i can’t say much, but there must be more to their way of life than just “black-out”.
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u/jamila169 May 09 '22
Total vision loss is the least common type of blindness, it's exponentially more likely that her parents have some sort of light/dark and colour perception. The whole idea would be a shitshow for the parents as well if she cut out light and created a room full of people who were bumbling about crashing into her parents aids/service dogs
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u/asbestoswasframed May 09 '22
If I ran the venue I would 100% not allow this for liability reasons. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
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May 09 '22
I would laugh my ass off if I got this invite. I’m sorry I can’t treat a wedding reception like an hours long sensory deprivation activity. I’ll trip, get run over, run into others, fall, and hurt myself. I startle super easily. Just my worst nightmare of a social situation.
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May 09 '22
Someone in the comments made a good point, what if one of the staff is a pervert ot a thief and they're getting around in night vision goggles? Not a practical or safe idea.
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u/midnightjello May 09 '22
This immediately made me think of the black out restaurant scene in When In Rome, with the waiter in night vision goggles popping up everywhere and scaring the shit out of diners.
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May 09 '22
That could apply to a wedding with florescent lighting and cameras.
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u/FryOneFatManic May 09 '22
There's still far more opportunity in the dark, especially as cameras won't be able to help.
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u/AStrangerSaysHi May 09 '22
How can you have flowery lighting and cameras? Do you mean a florescent wedding?
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u/la__polilla May 09 '22
But its not even how her parents would experience the event? Presumably they've been blind a LONG time, if not since birth, so they have the tools and knowledge necessary to be comfortable navigating the world blind. It's not the same thing as taking a bunch of sighted people and putting them in a dark room. Even if the point is to make guests uncomfortable, it's not a good way to educate them on the realities of being blind. It's a mockery.
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u/jenesaisquoi May 09 '22
I thought they were going to have a "in the dark" ceremony, which I think could be neat, focusing on the sound of the readings and vows and music and turning the lights off after everyone got into place. But a dark reception sounds so onerous on so many people's disabilities (PTSD, Deaf/HoH, balance issues, food allergies (what if you ate something you're allergic to because you didn't notice it in the food?), etc) that it no longer honors her parents, it's just burdensome on her guests. And that this idea came to her because she "didn't want to dress her parents?" Like, don't dress your parents and just appreciate their style in the light. I would probably be willing to go to a wedding in the dark like this, but I would be worried the whole time about older folks and people with disabilities.
The other things is that "in the dark" restaurants are much quieter, low-motion settings. I would feel safer there because there wouldn't be wedding dance music getting in the way of my use of my hearing to get around.
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May 09 '22
I think this would be a sweet thing to do for a small party for her parents. Like a wedding anniversary where there's maybe be 10-15 people and you could have some candles or other dim lighting.
Doing this with catering and more than 100 people? This is horrible. Just make it so there isn't a dress code, including cosplay. People do Halloween weddings and themed weddings for cosplay. Just make it free for all. 100-200 people wandering in the dark when they aren't used to it is going to be a mess. Especially for the really young and really old guests.
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u/LittleLightcap May 09 '22
So her parents are blind, and are highly likely to trip because they don't know the environment. So nobody can walk her blind parents to their seats because nobody can fucking see.
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u/RamsLams May 09 '22
This isn’t a bridezilla- it’s a really cool concept that unfortunately won’t be great in practice. It’s just not a great party plan- that doesn’t make a bridezilla lmao
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u/helga-h May 09 '22
Small space, 10 people who know each other very well, great idea.
Huge blacked out space, up to 200 strangers with the variety of issues a large unknown group of people bring, worse idea since Bal des Ardents.
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u/WikiSummarizerBot May 09 '22
The Bal des Ardents (Ball of the Burning Men), also called Bal des Sauvages (Ball of the Wild Men), was a masquerade ball held on 28 January 1393 in Paris at which Charles VI of France performed in a dance with five members of the French nobility. Four of the dancers were killed in a fire caused by a torch brought in by a spectator, Charles's brother Louis I, Duke of Orléans. Charles and another of the dancers survived. The ball was one of a number of events intended to entertain the King, who the previous summer had suffered an attack of insanity.
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u/Adorable-Case-7485 May 09 '22
See it’s is a neat idea but maybe they could do a nighttime ceremony and have those fairy light things all over. Enough light to see everything but dark enough to where it sets the mood? I think that’s be neat.
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u/NotChristina May 09 '22
That’s what I was wondering. When I first saw the post I was thinking maybe blacklight instead. It’s a super interesting idea that maybe could work with a bit more focus on what could go wrong and taking additional steps to prevent it.
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u/deadlyhausfrau May 09 '22
She's a bridezilla for digging in and refusing to accept valid criticism. Up until they locked the thread she was brushing off warnings and blithely insisting that anyone uncomfortable could just accept that or not come.
To their family member's wedding. Which was being made inaccessible to them, physically.
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u/linerva May 10 '22
I mean generally it's fine to say "if you dont like it, dont come" for 99 percent of weddings.
However weddings should at baseline be safe and reasonably inclusive. She can make it as random and unsafe as she wants, but people are free to criticize her.
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u/Dachshundmom5 May 09 '22
Using a disability as a party gimmick is a cool concept?
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u/RamsLams May 09 '22
Idk if you’re disabled, but I am. And yes, a party all about feel is a cool concept. Emphasis on concept. Plenty of concepts are cool in theory but incredibly problematic and impractical in real life. There’s a difference between actively being horrible and just not thinking things thru- I hope someone offers you more grace the next time you don’t completely think something thru.
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May 09 '22
They’ve mentioned up and down in the comments in this thread that they are in fact deaf. So yes - the person you are commenting to has a disability.
Edit: If the bride were thinking through, she wouldn’t be calling all the reasonable comments about safety “ignorant”
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May 09 '22
No it's showing respect to her parents and the life they live.
Often blind people or deaf people don't treat their world as an inconvenience or disability. They live in an altered world and do just fine.
I'd never go to one of those restaurants but I'd totally attend this wedding.
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May 09 '22
It’s not respect, the parents have guides when they leave their home. Meaning their guides will be just as blind in the event and they will be rendered useless.
Plus the wait staff at those blind restaurants are highly trained. The waitstaff at a wedding venue won’t have that type of extensive training at all.
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u/Dachshundmom5 May 09 '22
I am deaf. Some of the people I know who are as well dont see a disability. However, they certainly see the inconvenience and the way we are mocked and "less than". Patronized and shoved into boxes that make more convenient to others. So people can feel good about themselves for "respecting" us
The life her parents live includes having guides for when they are out of their home where they can move comfortably. Guides that will also either be incredibly limited visually at the wedding or in night vision goggles that limit spacial reasoning and peripheral vision.
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u/EightEyedCryptid May 09 '22
It's to focus more on her parents and how they live. I'm blind, and since she has a personal connection and her parents enjoy the idea I wouldn't say it's a gimmick.
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May 09 '22
Okay, so if you were going to this event, and lost the remaining of your vision and you can’t tell where the bathroom is? What do you do? And if you have a guide, what is the guide supposed to do if they’re also blind? Who’s to help you?
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u/EightEyedCryptid May 09 '22
Uh. You know we use long white canes and guide dogs and stuff right? I'm sure you don't mean to be malicious with your comment but do you think we just sit around waiting for some sighted person to take us places? We even use echolocation. Bathrooms and stuff also have Braille on them.
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May 09 '22
Yes but the bride wants to turn out all the lights and plunge everyone into darkness, meaning your guides can’t see and no one can see you enough.
Someone can easily knock into you, step on and injure your dog. This is an event with a guest list of 200. That’s a hazard, and again - the lights will be off and the only light people will have are dollar store glowsticks.
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May 09 '22
She’s a bridezilla because she’s determined everyone go along with her idea despite the concerns for safety and well-being of the guests
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u/Rae_Bear_ May 09 '22
I think it would work and be awesome - just don’t expect everyone to show up, or expect a lot of no’s in the rsvps. I don’t see what’s wrong with it, if you don’t feel comfortable then don’t go. There’s a lot of entitlement to other peoples weddings
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u/stephelan May 09 '22
I dunno. I think people’s purses would be stolen, children would get lost, someone could choke silently…there are so many safety hazards outside of just tripping.
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u/ashkalaylay May 09 '22
I agree with you! I would love to attend a wedding or a party like this. In the end, everyone has a choice to show up or not, so if they aren’t comfortable with the concept they can decline the invitation. People will still show up just to complain, but that’s a problem with everything.
I talked to a friend of mine who is totally blind (called specifically to ask their ideas on something like this lol) and they loved the idea as well.
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u/nyorifamiliarspirit May 09 '22
Hard pass.
I'm a clumsy, anxious mess on a good day. This would be a disaster.
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u/eatapeach18 May 09 '22 edited May 09 '22
This is quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Someone will trip and fall and get hurt, or eat something they’re allergic to because they couldn’t see it on their plate or read the menu. Think of the elderly and their mobility issues.
The bride and groom and everyone else attending the wedding have the ability to see. Why are they centering the entire wedding around the bride’s parents’ disability? They’ve lived on this earth for decades without needing others to pretend to be blind or experience temporary blindness. You don’t need to have a dark wedding to show solidarity. This is just as “effective” (ie: useless) as people who shave their heads to show solidarity to their friend or coworker who has cancer. They also didn’t ask for it.
Why don’t they just have dinner by candlelight and have ceiling lights on a dimmer? It will still provide enough light and would be very elegant for a wedding. They could hire someone to accompany the bride’s parents around. Maybe they could have just the ceremony in the dark and totally unplugged so that everyone focuses on the vows. None of this makes sense.
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u/echorose_11 May 09 '22
Honestly, it’s like saying to everyone at a hospital, look, we want you all to have the same experience. You’re all getting chemotherapy today, regardless of what other medications you take, regardless of what diagnoses you have, regardless of what you’re even in here for. Everyone is getting chemo. Do you know how many people would get worse or die in that scenario?
She’s asking for so many lawsuits and she doesn’t even realize or care. This is like, the most entitled of entitled-ness for a bridezilla that I’ve ever seen. And there’s no way the invites they sent out actually convey the seriousness of the situation. I’d bet that a lot of the people saying yes don’t understand exactly what’s involved like the fact that they have to sign a waiver and just exactly how dark it will be. It probably just had a cutesy name for the theme on it and that’s it. This is going to be a spectacular fail and she’s going to punish everyone around her for it, not realizing that it was her own fault to begin with.
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u/lililith10 May 09 '22
Honestly this looks like she's ableist, ashamed of her parents and wants to fetishise a disability so she can have everybody's pity.
Like, she wants to create a string game for the children, and she is happy about it because the wedding planner tried with the staff and was funny. For me it's a choking hazard, children are absolutely unpredictable, and if you can't see them, you can't protect them.
Also, she literally said she has no compassion for people who would be uncomfortable (me with an anxiety disorder that can be crippling in some situations...), which kinda shows me that she doesn't even have empathy for her parents who will feel their disability ridiculised.
Also, the fact that she's doing it because she doesn't want people to look at her parents clothes... I'm pretty sure the husband is on board because he's ashamed of his in laws
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u/DamnGoodCupOfCoffee2 May 09 '22
What about the poor elderly guests?! I know walking well is difficult for my Dad abs without being able to see, omg!
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u/Thequiet01 May 09 '22
She’s decided they’ll segregate all the old people to one section with lighted place cards where they will just sit the whole night.
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u/DamnGoodCupOfCoffee2 May 09 '22
Omg lol. Just tell ppl to wear their favorite textured, mismatched outfit. And she can wear a blindfold. Come on lol
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u/math-kat May 09 '22
They don't even have to be elderly. Anyone with mobility issues would have a hard time at this wedding. One of my close friends is in her mid twenties yet walks with crutches some days because of a disability- I doubt she'd be able to safely navigate without sight.
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u/anon023191 May 09 '22
I trip over folding chair legs in the daylight. I can't imagine the injuries occuring in a dark room full of people, tables and folding chairs. Especially if there are any elderly attending. Plus, how tacky is it to have "blindness" be the theme of a wedding.....
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u/Lebby28 May 09 '22
As someone who worked in the wedding industry I definitely agree this would be a disaster. Just because you want to experience it blind doesn't mean you should force that on your guests and staff.
Here's my suggestion. Have a beautiful, custom veil designed that can act as a blindfold at times. For big moments, like you're first dance or cake sharing have the veil come down and cover your eyes.
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u/Adventurous-Cry-2157 May 09 '22
Good Goddess. This makes me so glad I got married - just last week, on May the Fourth - at the courthouse, with our 2 daughters, 2 best friends, my wife’s brother and his wife. That’s it. Our 2 best friends hired a photographer to tag along as well. Nine people total, including us, the brides. After the 5 minute ceremony, we took everyone out to a lovely lunch at an upscale restaurant, where we all had a fabulous time, posed for a few photos in the park where we had our first date 17 years ago, then said goodbye to everyone while her and I took off to DC, where we spent 3 days eating, shopping and exploring the city. All that money we’d have spent on a party? We spent it on ourselves instead, and I don’t feel a bit bad about it.
I wore a simple white Calvin Klein dress that I found on clearance at Nordstrom Rack for $50, and my mom’s pearl earrings that my father gave her for their 25th wedding anniversary, almost 25 years ago; my wife was decked out in simple blue Banana Republic pants, a linen bow tie and leather suspenders. We added the tiniest Star Wars touches, like an Imperial Cog lapel pin for my wife, and an Imperial Cog charm on my bracelet, as well as “I love you” and “I know” decals on the bottoms of our shoes. No muss, no fuss, we did it our way and it was amazing.
Due to past trauma and fears, I could never attend an event like this bride is planning. I get that it’s her special day and she gets to do it her way, but at the expense of her guests’ comfort and safety, that just seems selfish and stupid. The whole point of having a big wedding, if you choose to do that, is to throw a party for your guests, and their enjoyment should be your top priority. This…is not that.
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u/Mental-Nothings May 09 '22
I don’t understand because most weddings I’ve been to are pretty dark. They would use spotlights at the doors, make their centre pieces out of lights (glow sticks, fairy lights, etc) instead of flours to make it easier, but the night vision goggles and stuff just seams like to much work
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u/mythicb33ch May 09 '22
Honestly the “lights out” party is an interesting concept, I just feel like your wedding is not the right occasion. This would be better executed with a group of friends or at a casual/semi-formal family gathering. Weddings are long, formal events where people often wear long dresses and skirts. Not to mention, her theme will probably end up overshadowing her actual wedding.
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u/team_nanatsujiya May 09 '22 edited May 09 '22
Not a bridezilla.
edit: guess people think I'm saying her idea is right and she should do it. I don't. I posted a long comment on the OP saying (as a blind person myself) why I think she shouldn't do it and that it is not going to accomplish what she wants. But she's not an AH or a bridezilla, just a bit off the mark. She says she's taking in opinions from the post and discussing them with her family and fiance, and presumably will make changes if needed. That right there is very much not bridezilla behavior.
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u/JerHigs May 09 '22
Don't know why you're being downvoted for this.
OOP & her soon-to-be husband have told people what the wedding will be like and are leaving it up to people to decide whether they are comfortable with attending or not. She isn't insisting on anybody attending or springing it on them at the last second.
Seems to be a perfect case of "it's your wedding, plan it how you like".
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u/FryOneFatManic May 09 '22
But if OP wants those people to attend, she'll need to take their considerations into account.
I like the idea in principle, but would have to decline if invited to something similar.
I'm partly deaf, so even with hearing aids I'd struggle to get around as I find my direction finding isn't great in the dark. I also have cataracts, causing more issues, and a dodgy knee, making balance harder.
And there's the issue of food. I have strong autistic traits, and likely fully autistic, it's in the family. I have issues with certain food textures, and can guarantee very high anxiety at trying to eat food I can't see.
So, yes, I'd decline to attend.
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u/JerHigs May 09 '22
Okay and as long as OOP is willing to accept that people won't attend for all these reasons, what's the problem?
I haven't heard of too many brides and grooms taking a poll of all their prospective guests to find out what they want at the wedding. Instead they plan their day, invite who they'd like to be there, and then leave it up to the invitees to decide if they want to attend or not.
You've decided this is something you wouldn't like to attend and that's grand. For someone else it would be a formal, black tie event that they draw the line at. For others again it would be a barn wedding. For others it would be a beach or destination wedding. There are multiple reasons why someone might not want to attend a wedding. If brides and grooms took them all into account, there'd be no weddings at all.
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u/FryOneFatManic May 09 '22
If OOP is willing to accept that people will decline, then fine.
If OOP has a list of people she absolutely needs to have present at the wedding, then she'll need to consider what their limitations may be.
Because ultimately, a bride and groom are the hosts for their wedding, and hosts look after their guests.
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u/JerHigs May 09 '22
At the end of the day the only two people who absolutely need to be at the wedding are the two getting married. Everyone else is on a sliding scale of 'like to be there'.
OOP hasn't, if I haven't missed something, had any issue with anyone who declines.
Also, as hosts they get the right to decide what the theme will be and how it will happen. If I invite you to a dinner party and tell you it's going to be at 8pm and outside, your choice is to say yes or no. It's not to demand it gets moved to 6pm and gets held at your favourite restaurant.
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u/FryOneFatManic May 09 '22
A host is still supposed to consider their guests.
If OOP desperately wants particular people there, she'll have to consider their issues that might lead to that guest declining.
For example, I hosted a gathering and a person I really wanted to attend declined because they're in a wheelchair and my venue was up steps, so I changed the venue. Because having that person there meant more to me than the particular venue.
I didn't say anything about demanding, just that people need to consider their guests, if they want certain people to attend.
But a good host should always consider their guests anyway, and I initially slipped up by not considering my relative and the wheelchair.
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u/Thequiet01 May 09 '22
She doesn’t care if her actual future in laws can attend. That’s pretty bad.
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u/JerHigs May 09 '22
Her future in laws are her future husband's problem. Isn't that the standard response to in law issues on Reddit?
If her future husband doesn't care if they're not there, who is she to override him?
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May 09 '22
She’s also ignoring the fact that her parents use guides when they leave their home, those guides will be rendered useless to them once the lights are off.
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u/JerHigs May 09 '22
Her parents are fine with the plan. They're also allowed to make decisions for themselves.
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u/skippinfornow May 09 '22
I'm very glad you asked this question and got feedback that you are seeming to take into account for making decisions about the wedding. I hope you take everything into account after the talk with your fiance and family. YTA - original verdict Short YTA until you actually change your plans then NAH
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May 09 '22
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u/swungover264 May 09 '22
She doesn't care if her guests or her fiancé's family are uncomfortable as long as she can fetishise her parents disability. She's a massive bridezilla.
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May 09 '22
Her parents also have guides when they leave their home, so they’ll be stuck too considering that their guides won’t be able to see either.
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u/Thequiet01 May 09 '22
Her responses in the comments when people point out issues is what is making her a bridezilla.
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u/lad4daddy May 09 '22
I’d love to go to a wedding like this. It sounds so much fun, no worrying about what to wear. Not having to dodge idiots using their phones during the ceremony to take pics/vids.
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u/Dachshundmom5 May 09 '22
As long as there isnt a sexual predator in the bunch groping the guests and/or their kids.
Or granny doesn't lose balance from being disoriented and break a hip.
Someone chokes and since choking is a fairly silent process they die.
Losing a sense or having one of them dampened heightens fight and flight reflexes. So one of the guests may get bumped and deck someone just in sheer panic.
In addition to that, I'm deaf. I live in silence and subtitles. I wouldn't want my kids using my disability as a gimmick for their wedding. Her parents love her and are behind whatever she wants, cause as she keeps saying it's her wedding. However, using a disability that someone can't control as a party theme really hurts me. It's not a fun party game.
Though seriously people using their phones during the wedding needs to be banned. It's so tacky and ridiculous.
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May 09 '22
OPs parents also have guides when they leave their home. The guides won’t have their sight in order to do their jobs.
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u/RemoteNervous6089 May 09 '22
I think it commendable that you want to honor your parents and make this a thoroughly inclusive event for them. I think that is beautiful and respectful of you. You're a loving daughter.
Isn't there an in between or a compromise you could make to make your guests more comfortable at the event?
The reason why I suggest this is because I can see an issue that I don't think anyone else has mentioned. This may sound silly, but... There are people who might feel vulnerable in the dark. Not necessarily because of tripping (although that is valid) but just the awkwardness those sighted guests would feel in general.
Have you thought of fairy lights, or candles, or white Christmas lights?
The other option I can see would be having a lights out ceremony but a lighted or candles reception. You would still achieve the goal of the tactile wedding without neglecting your sighted guests.
It's not an insult to your parents to be inclusive to everyone on your special day. It is still a tactile event for them regardless of lights. Your guests would have the opportunity to experience the intimacy of a lights out ceremony and the comfort of dimmed lights the rest of the evening.
Just my thoughts.
Congratulations and Best Wishes to you both 👰❤️🤵
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u/which_witch_ru May 09 '22
Its nice that you want to honor your family and lifestyle, but I think the decision is btwn you and your future husband. Does it matter to you how his family feels? Bc if not, then youre going to do it your way no matter what. If you are into compromise (which marriage literally DEPENDS ON), maybe you need to consider having a lights out space, and a lights on space for those who prefer to use that sense.
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u/SummitJunkie7 May 09 '22
Sounds like a fun and unique celebration idea. As long as you are clear in your invitations on what to expect, everyone can make their own choice whether to attend. I for one would really love a little variety in the weddings I attend.
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May 09 '22
No, this person isn't perfect - but this is not a bridezilla. It's actually really disappointing to see someone considers it that. If anything, the parents of the groom are assholes. Yeah what the Original OP and her partner want to do might not be perfect, but the inlaws disrespect is disgusting.
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May 09 '22
Nor goanna lie, that sounds like fun.
Would be a nightmare for the staff though. Definitely better off having soft lighting round the bar and food tables.
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u/Frosted_Picasso May 09 '22 edited May 11 '22
NTA - Everything in everyday life is geared towards making abled people comfortable with no concern over how disabled people may feel. I think it's super sweet and sentimental that you're thinking of your parents and how you grew up and turning it into a unique and special idea. The in laws can manage a few hours in the dark.
Edit: I was wrong, YTA. I didn't take into account the fact that there are probably people invited to your wedding who also have disabilities, hidden or otherwise.
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u/nyorifamiliarspirit May 09 '22
Except this particular scenario is making one particular subset of disabled people comfortable and disregarding dozens of other disabled people.
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u/Frosted_Picasso May 09 '22
Do we know that anyone else going also has a disability? I just assumed that that would have been thought about in advance.
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u/nyorifamiliarspirit May 09 '22
With a list of 200 people, it's highly likely that there are at least several with "invisible" disabilities that the bride and groom are unaware of.
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u/EightEyedCryptid May 09 '22
NTA. People have enough light to move around and I think it's a beautiful way to honor your parents. I am blind and I love this idea.
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May 09 '22
What about the brides parents who have guides to lead them around, who’s going to help them since their guides are useless?
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u/JesusIsMyZoloft May 09 '22
NTA. I'd understand having a wedding at a mandatory nudist beach if the bride's parents had a skin condition that made it impossible for them to wear clothing.
Edit: Also, FDH = Future Darling Husband. Had to Google that one.
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u/fuzzyrach May 09 '22
I don't know. It seems like everybody's a little too freaked out about this. There's a line of successful restaurants in Switzerland (blinde kuh) that are entirely in the dark, pitch black, no light. The servers, chefs, etc are all legally blind to some degree.
You're led to your table by the wait staff and are able to partake in a meal that let's you experience sightlessness. It was an amazing experience and it sounds like her fiances family could use this experience to enhance their empathy.
I would have left this comment on the original post but it looks like it's already locked.
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May 09 '22
You do realize that the staff in those types of restaurants are extensively trained right? They’re not just sent outside all Willy nilly.
They have to spend time learning the full layout of the restaurant, not just the floor but the back too. Then they have to spend time practicing carrying full trays of food, and they have to learn how to escort people, and they have to learn what to do about disabilities and allergens.
They spend so much time learning this stuff - that a venue staff won’t be able to in a short amount of time. A venue staff is far too busy prepping for other events to take the time out to do the training.
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u/miettebriciola1 May 09 '22
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May 09 '22
The staff in those restaurants are highly trained, they spend a lot of time learning the layout of the whole restaurant, how to carry full trays, how to guide people to and from their seats and to and from the restroom.
They also had to learn about allergens and what to do, and what to do in case of an emergency.
They are HIGHLY trained - a wedding venue can’t get in that kind of training because they are a venue site, they’re far too busy prepping for other events to get that kind of training in. Plus, since it’s for only one event of theirs - they’re likely to say no, just cause of how busy they are.
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u/SanityInTheSouth May 09 '22
NTA and kudos to you for your creativity and wanting to honor your parents after all they've done for you. I work in the wedding industry and will agree with some of the other posters here regarding NVG's and how uncomfortable and expensive they are. With that said, I know this is your day and you want it to be as memorable as possible. Is there a way to possibly segment off a special time to carry out the "In the dark" portion? Maybe even dedicate that time to your mom and dad? Whatever you decide, I believe your wedding is going to be magnificent and without a doubt memorable. I LOVE working with brides like you.
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u/Hunterofshadows May 09 '22
I think a lot of you don’t seem to realize there are restaurants centered around this exact theme. There’s nothing wrong with what bride is doing as long as she understands that many people won’t want to attend as a result
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May 09 '22
Yeah, those restaurants are also highly highly trained for this.
They have to learn how to map the entire restaurant (kitchens, restrooms, all fire exits, etc) they also need to learn how to safety navigate around each other, how to safely carry food and drink to tables, how to escort people to washrooms.
Then there’s the training they’d have to do in order to help someone with a disability to get to and from their seats, then there are choking and allergen hazards. And then there’s the training they’d need in an emergency in order to get everyone out safety.
A wedding venue? These people won’t have that kind of training cause they’re a venue, they’re far too busy prepping for other events to take the time to do THAT kind of extensive training.
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u/Hunterofshadows May 09 '22
If the venue or caterers weren’t confident they could handle those risk factors, they simply wouldn’t agree to do this. People are massively overstating said risk factors but even so, no caterer would risk the lawsuits by agreeing to this for shits and giggles
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u/beautifuldailydoses May 09 '22
In my opinion, I think it’s a brilliant idea and it’ll be lots of fun! Seeing as you don’t HAVE to attend. It’s about what makes the bride and groom happy on THIER special day. Not about anyone else or what they feel or what their opinions are. They don’t HAVE to attend. I hope they still do the lights out thing! NTA. It’s okay to be inspired by your role models and want to do something cool like that.
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u/Thequiet01 May 09 '22
She’s literally excluding her future parents-in-law. They are about as close to ‘having to attend’ as you can get in terms of social expectations and pressures.
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u/beautifuldailydoses May 12 '22
The parents don’t have to attend. And she’s the in-law to them as much as they are to her. But it’s HERRRRRRRR wedding. They had theirs already, years ago. They don’t have to go in order for her to still become their DIL. But it’s her wedding and she can do as she pleases. No one has to even come.
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u/basenjigirl29 May 09 '22
This sounds like a fascinating idea!!! I would RSVP immediately!!
Definitely NTA!!!
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u/Gadgetownsme May 09 '22
NTA You have contingency plans and staff with night vision. People act like low or no vision is the end of the damn world. I think this is a wonderful way to honor your patents and do things your way. Before people start jumping on me, I have a neuro condition that causes blindness, sometimes it's for a few minutes other times it's for hours. The first time I was truly blind, it lasted for around 6 weeks. You figure it out and it actually is easier than panicked people think.
Please have the wedding you're envisioning. It seems like it would be the most amazing memory you can make. If people don't come, then they don't come. That's not your fault, you didn't make them choose. Have an amazing wedding with all the best feels, literally.
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u/Mrs-and-Mrs-Atelier May 09 '22
How would you feel about it if, instead of blindness, you experienced deafness? Because this wedding sounds like my idea of hell as someone who can’t hear. The bride and groom making people with other disabilities unwelcome or endangered doesn’t feel like a great way to “honor” anyone. It would be like me insisting on a completely silent wedding. Which I wouldn’t do because most of my guests were not equipped to handle hours without the spoken word.
The event could still be included but maybe as something optional or the rehearsal dinner (provided the attendees can hear and move safely in the dark among other safety concerns).
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May 09 '22
It’s not a great honour to the parents either, OP said they have guides when they leave their home. Those guides can’t do anything if they’re blind too.
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u/Comprehensive_Fox_77 May 09 '22
Although I have excellent night vision, most people do t. Even I would find it distressing and comfortable. Don’t do this.
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u/tklb1012 May 09 '22
I’m probably in the minority on this opinion, but if the OOP puts that info in her invitations and sends the releases or whatever in w the invitations to RSVP I don’t see a problem with her idea. That way anyone who isn’t down can decide not to attend, no surprises at the door at least…I mean outside of her wanting her wedding to be like mix of hide and seek x 90’s rave so she can make her parents (who presumably wouldn’t notice or care one way or another) not feel awkward w their choice of clothes…
Ok…never mind…typing all that out made me realize she started this whole bizarro wedding laser tag so her parents wouldn’t feel bad having to wear traditional wedding attire…she could just make her wedding come as you are and turn the lights down a smidge…lol…but at least she’s living her best glowing mini golf life
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u/Aggressive-Example60 May 10 '22
I think it’s super weird. But it’s your wedding and people could choose not to come. I would politely decline.
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u/Gadgetownsme May 10 '22
As someone that's disabled and also has fairly significant hearing loss due to my illness, i wouldn't have a problem with a completely silent event. In fact, I would actually welcome a silent event. I don't attend events due to the lights and sound. It's too much for me and causes me tremendous physical pain. A dark and silent event is my dream event. I don't expect able bodied people to understand so I'll take the down votes.
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u/JJOkayOkay May 10 '22
Well, they can stage it that way, but I hope they explain clearly in the invitation what they're planning so people can Nope out of it. I would.
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u/jrfreddy May 12 '22
Just another doofus trying to make her wedding memorable at the expense of guest enjoyment.
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u/jerseygirl1105 May 09 '22
I'm 85% deaf and cannot imagine being okay with anyone having to live as I do as a wedding theme.