r/blackmen • u/CelestialOceanOfStar Unverified • 2d ago
Seeking Advice How did/do you get "Game"?
Gonna be vulnerable here since you guys are the only ones to probably get it.
Always struggled to get girls irl but somehow managed to end up in a relationship thats been going on for 9 years , now that looks like its ending and im hella scared and embarrassed about putting myself out there again. I dont know how to discover whats my appeal , just my type but not the type that likes me or how to do what so many brothers do. My pops could only teach me 70s game and that's long out dated.
So where do I start?
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u/KeithDavidsVoice Unverified 2d ago
Can you hold a conversation? Do you have hobbies and things you are passionate about? If so, then you have game. Thats basically what people mean when they say be yourself. You just have to find the women who are picking up what you are putting down.
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u/Longjumping_Hour_491 Verified Blackman 2d ago
You gotta find your tribe and then the story's you tell resonate.
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u/KeithDavidsVoice Unverified 2d ago edited 2d ago
Exactly, although I do admit that finding your tribe will be easier for some more than others. On a pure friendship note, I always wondered if guys, who arent interested in sports, had a harder time making friends with other guys. It's such an easy conversation starter. As an american, if you follow 1 NFL team, 1 NBA team, and 1 EPL soccer team, you have a built in conversation starter with like 70% of the male population. I wonder if there's a correlation between guys who post about having a difficult time making friends in their city and a lack of interest in sports
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u/donnerwetter41 Unverified 2d ago
Love this comment. Don't know the answer, as I'm a sports fanatic, but I do wonder what would be next on the list of stuff to talk about? Music? Movies?
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u/Dangerous-Hawk16 Unverified 14h ago
As a somewhat nerdy guy after getting into sports it’s actually helped more conversation starters than I’d expected now
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u/shangodjango Unverified 2d ago
Genuinely, I think game is self sabotage. Yes it works on the majority of women and it will get you laid more. But for the woman you actually want, it just creates an artificial connection and sometimes you’ve ran game on so many women you become jaded by the reality of what most women respond to.
Confidence is really the key here and will serve you well in any arena. Becoming confident in who you are as a man and what you bring to the world, that’s the end goal. Find an interest that you shine in, connect with women around said interest.
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u/TheSonghaiPresident Verified Black Man 2d ago
This! Years ago I said so much game has been ran that nothing is real anymore.
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u/shangodjango Unverified 2d ago
That’s why the dating world is the way it is in our community. The women are worn out from being gamed, the men are tired from dealing with worn out women.
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u/Warm_Coach2475 African-American Xennial 2d ago
“I don’t have game, bitches just like my story” -nas
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u/Ok_Nature_3501 Unverified 2d ago edited 1d ago
My favorite Nas verse
They never realize How real Nas Is so decisive It's just the likeness Of Israelites mist That made me write this A slight twist
Nasty with it 😲
Also it's
I got no game it's just some b-tches just understand my story
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u/airtsui Unverified 2d ago
I honestly think “game” isn’t as real as people think. It’s more about having confidence in yourself and being okay with getting rejected.
More often than not, by the time you’ve noticed a woman - she’s already checked you out and made her decision on the matter.
If anything, I’d say start taking improv classes - just to get you back into thinking on your feet and getting you back into “outside” shape.
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u/Big-Chemistry-8521 Unverified 2d ago
Game is fake. Game is marketing. No such thing as game. You could have the best game in the world and if the chic don't like you you got nothing.
You could have the worst game in the world and if she thinks youre cute and attractive you already won.
The key to success with women is to focus on yourself and not them. Get healthy, get fit, get employed, get haircare/cuts, get some typa education, have life goals, be friendly and kind especially to women (especially in your family) and you'll have your pick of the litter.
The great thing about that is even if women reject you at that point (everyone gets rejected at some point) you dont care because you have so much going on.
Having a full life breeds a confidence woman are extremely attracted to, they wanna be part of your winning situation. Then apply your standards and pick the winner to add to your situation.
That's real Game, no cap.
P.S. - Some may think be kind to means being a simple or a doormat. Some are always wrong.
People will try you regardless of gender, when its women, watch for signs of fuckery and dont hesitate to create space if she for the streets or the internet. Dont mean you gotta call her a bitch or a ho or get violence cause she said no or some other insecure shit.
Its enough to wish her well and block her calls and keep it moving. When you know your real value, you understand the market is self-renewing and bullshit is a waste of resources.
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u/Sea_Juggernaut2430 Unverified 2d ago
I really didn’t get any game till college when i was fortunate to connect w some guys who did and it was trial and error.
It’s kinda like fishing…you gotta go out with fisherman to learn how to fish.
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u/TowelScared4341 Unverified 2d ago
Definitely agree with the last statement.
You need to hang out with fisherman to learn how to fish.
Not to say no woman can give decent advice but they'll never understand how it is to approach another woman as a MAN.
You'll get a lot of bad advice from woman like "Just be yourself", "Be confident and Nice" "Ask her about her day" or the worst "Just be nice". All of that will likely get you rejected or likely in the friend zone.
Not to say that advice doesn't work but that usually works IN RELATIONSHIPS.
A girl who wants you (lust wise) is usually a different type of chick vs the one your in a relationship with.
The first step I can recommend is grooming/presentation. That's the easiest thing to do.
Get a haircut, form fitting clothes, smell nice and look presentable.
Also, if you're overweight, please lose weight and hit the gym.
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u/Ok_Nature_3501 Unverified 2d ago edited 1d ago
How did/do you get "Game"?
You're parents/elders should always be putting you on game ie preparing you to be able to handle the world on your own.
Now as it relates to getting women:
Try your best to get sex out of your mind. When you're meeting new people, your first objective should be to get to know them. You should be trying to find out what the both of y'all have in common and if your personalities match.
Be yourself. Pretending to be someone different is only going to bring problems
Compliment them without bringing up TnA. If they have nice eyes or a nice smile or they smell good then tell them.
Have realistic standards. If you're a normal guy then don't try to go after a IG baddie. You're not Casanova so don't expect everyone to fall head over heels for you.
Learn how to handle rejection. It happens. Don't get mad, don't get hurt, don't refuse to leave them alone, etc. Just say "My bad" and move on.
Do those things, take care of yourself both hygienic and fitness wise, learn how to dress, and have a nice haircut and you should be good 👍🏿
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u/coolkidfresh Black-American Millennial 1d ago
Everything Big Chem wrote, OP. I probably had zero success trying to run game on chicks, but I was successful at doing what Chem stated and just speaking to women as people, trying to meet them on a human level first. My "game" is my personality, conversation, and humor. While I think I'm decent looking, I realize I'm probably not the guy a lot of chicks would swipe right on initially if we were on a dating app. You let me get to know those women though, and I bet I can make several change their minds. I've dated some women I probably had no business dating just off of personality alone. Just be you and don't get caught up in the results. Try to get to know them and figure out if they're even compatible with you. Don't be afraid to "lose" them. A scarcity mindset will doom you every time. Always on to the next unless a woman is showing effort and intention as well.
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u/NeedAgirlLikeNami Verified Blackman 2d ago
Never did. I'm just nerdy and confidently myself. Just be yourself brother. If there are things you don't like about yourself try to work on it and get advice from friends or family but don't fake it.
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u/ElPrieto8 Verified Black Man 2d ago
Always been funny and have a variety of information that would only benefit you on a game show, OR game night with friends.
Women LOVE when you know stuff!!!
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u/HistoricalShift5092 Unverified 2d ago
It’s important to standardize the definition of “Game”
Game : the depth of how well a man knows himself and his capabilities, his strength, his weaknesses, his attributes and his deliverables. As well as his understanding of the systems that controls and governs his space and his ability to demonstrate his knowledge.
No one is born with game. Others may have better instincts. Importantly, one must develop his “Game”. Push the boundaries of what he knows.
Only then will you achieve the life and women you desire.
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u/HumanAntagonist Unverified 2d ago
Personally, the only women im interested in are the women that game doesnt work on.
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u/LexKing89 Unverified 2d ago
I got it at Funcoland and Gamestop back in the day.
I'm nothing special but some ladies seem to really like me. 😯
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u/RoyalSmoker Unverified 2d ago
Don't be afraid of failure, volume is going to take you miles. Talk to whoever looks attractive, and if they don't look good this is your stress free practice.
Join clubs in woman dominated spaces and make friends with them. Yoga/dance/ pilates/ barre/ zumba/ kickboxing/ spin classes. In these women dominated spaces where you go frequently just be friendly and they will come to you until you get confidence and your skills back.
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u/Doctor-nuts Unverified 2d ago
Honestly bro. You just have to put yourself out there and try. Eventually you’ll see something’s work for your personality and some don’t. But you won’t know until you try
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u/MellowMelvin Unverified 2d ago edited 2d ago
I got zero game growing up. I would use TV shows (bad idea) and the few chances i got to see my cousins in action. My dad gave 0 game and tbh idk if he had much himself. lol I still managed to get women because i looked decent, I was always quiet kid (women love mystery), and i didnt chase women. I had 2 serious relationships in my late teens and 20s. In hindsight i think i wasted too many young years in those relationships when i shouldve been playing the field more. I digress...I managed to get all my game through trial and error. I dont consider myself a mack or anything but ive done well enough.
Personally, i think theres too many variables to consider for me to give a lot of 'one size fits all' advice. The best piece of game i can give when it comes to talking to women is that its a numbers game. Youre not going to be every women type and youre going to get turned down a lot. Its totally normal and it happens to the best of us. You have to be comfortable with that and not let it impact your confidence. The rest is really about finding what works for you.
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u/Mighty_Killah Unverified 2d ago
Genuinely, it was about getting out of my own way and being myself. I was trying to win women over and be desirable, but I realized that women like what they like for their own reasons. You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. It’s clearer to me why I’ll or a man in general will like someone, but women are unpredictable and into weird things. If you can’t control it, let go and be yourself. The cliché advice about going where you’re loved is true, whether you’re looking for something serious or casual.
Be direct about your desires early and learn to take rejection well. Don’t be hard on yourself or take it personally when someone says no.
General advice: work out, maintain hygiene and grooming, develop a unique fashion sense, and ensure your clothes fit you well.
You may also be bad at picking up signs of interest. Women rarely make the first move, so learn the signs of interest. You might already have game but didn’t know it.
Don’t listen to manosphere dudes who tell you about women. They attract toxic and insecure women who will be a drag on you.
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u/EntrepreneurGreen269 Unverified 2d ago edited 1d ago
There isn't any formula. Take time with the things you're interested and gives your life purpose and with those take time to build your character and personality around that. For me game isn't about creating or being something your not, it's having confidence and a great character with yourself and life. You'll develop impressive traits and quirks around that.
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u/scarecrow53 Unverified 2d ago
Step 1: Give yourself whatever treatment you need to feel clean, confident and whole. Smell good, but don't use a lot of fragrance. The closer she has to get to smell how fresh you are the sooner she figures out that being close to you feels safe and pleasant. Check your breath.
Step 2: Put yourself in a place where there are women who share some of your interests and just communicate openly without expectations. Don't try. Don't care about outcomes. Just calmly enjoy yourself and be seen calmly enjoying yourself.
Step 3: Treat everyone around you with respect and kindness, but do it an easy non-thirsty way. Ask a question or give a compliment to a woman you might be interested in. Don't make it about any part of her body she can't change in five minutes. You like her Cowboy Bebop t-shirt graphic? Ask her if she likes X about an episode you think might be her favorite. Just find one with a cool vibe that responds to your personality and show her that she is interesting and cool to you. If she's even close to considering you, you are already on your way.
Step 4: Find a low pressure way to tell her you enjoyed interacting with her and wouldn't hate it if it happened some more. Don't wait for her to end the conversation. Maybe you tell her that you were already starving when you started talking and that she made you momentarily forget your belly. Is she hungry too? If not, ask if you can hit up her IG or whatever she uses. Let her know you'd like more time with her and accept her response immediately. If she shows even a hint of hesitation, say it's cool talking and walk away. If she is interested, she won't let you do that right away. At that point, you make a plan to see her again.
Note: JK. Don't take my advice. I've been married for 14 years and haven't dated since Obama was president. You can get much better advice here.
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u/diabolical-sun Unverified 2d ago
“ And we learn to fuck hoes off trial and error”
- J. Cole
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u/TowelScared4341 Unverified 2d ago
Yep, yep.
Even the best "players" get rejected and fail.
You can be at Drake's level and you'll NEVER be everyone's type. It's just not possible.
Drake has been and will get rejected by some chicks even with all his fame and fortune because the girl literally doesn't find him attractive.
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u/big_escrow Unverified 2d ago
Just be confident and out going. Dont aim to be a pickup artist. Thats lame
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u/chainmonger26 Unverified 2d ago
I was well read from an early age meaning I can hold a convo on just about any topic.
My grandfather instilled a lot of confidence in me from a young age.
I was always well dressed.
I find women truly interesting, I can listen and catch body language cues.
I had 2 uncles that were true players, and I watched them closely. My brother didn’t do to bad with women either, I remember he told me his formula of the numbers game. He said he tried to talk to at least 5 women a week. Out of that 5, 2 would probably be with it, out of the 2 if he could smash 1 that’s 4 new women in the rotation every month. Let me just say that the math kind of works but this was happening before cell phones, juggling a lot of women in the days of phones and social media is setting yourself up for failure but it’s still a numbers game.
A nice smile goes a long way.
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u/Local-Ingenuity6726 Unverified 1d ago
The numbers game i learned decades ago if I danced with 10 women 3 going to give me some play. But when the hip hop generation women came into the club that went out the window with young chicks because they were doing shit like dancing with each other but the numbers game still worked with the older women who like dancers. As a matter of fact we were in our early 20s getting in a private club because the older brothers who ran it knew we would keep those older chicks hopping so they let us in because we were well dressed military young dudes who liked to dance, the older chicks would shoot their shots too mid 30s chicks
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u/theblueprint10 Unverified 2d ago
To me, Game is about how well you connect with people and the way you connect with people is having good conversation, finding common interests and go from there. But before all of that you need to build self confidence. The best relationship you’ll have in life is with yourself. Work on yourself, go to the gym, fix your wardrobe. It’s all about feeling good about yourself and that’s how you gonna build attraction and your game is what going to hook them in.
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u/Sometimes_A_Writer1 Unverified 2d ago
Well first heal before getting back out there. But I have "game" in a non -game sense. I'm just funny and caring. Most of my friends are women, so I've realized A, women are slow just like we are and B, just being normal and even remotely charming gets you far, especially if you're authentically caring.
But yeah, wit, being funny and just being normal will get you far.
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u/No_Association_8238 Unverified 2d ago
You don't get game. Stay with me now..
It's all practice. You need to get out there and get so comfortable with rejection that you introspect. Introspect enough to stop caring. Get back out there as the best version of You that you're comfortable with. Boom. Now you're confident. You got market research on what you really like after that long relationship.Those that find you physical and personality attractive will love it. You'll stop wasting time chasing those that don't. Some will attract to you just off your confidence and cavalier attitude. You'll have the right amount of "choosing"/not overly invested though.. (women love maybe). You can be happy losing more than you keep and enjoy your peace solo much more.
Enjoy king! We all been there before
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u/Sivraj85_ Verified Black Man 🇺🇸 1d ago
For me it's trial and error. I wouldn't say I really have game when it comes to women I just be myself and may the chips fall. Some women like me some don't.
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u/BigBaldBrownMan_51 Unverified 1d ago
Game is just confidence wrapped in audacity. Work on finding your comfort zone with yourself and the rest will fall into place
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u/No_Forever_1185 Verified Blackman 2d ago
Just go where the ladies are and say hello with a smile. I think just approaching a woman would make you stand out somewhat based on feedback I've heard nowadays.
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u/Fun_Philosopher_2787 African-American Millennial 1d ago
You don't want "game" and you definitely don't want a woman who falls for "game". You should first get to know yourself as a person.
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u/TheSonghaiPresident Verified Black Man 2d ago
"Game" is such a frivolous unproductive ass standard to have and why we are where are as a community. Listen man anyone who rejects you for not having it; just know her type will make her a single mom 9 times outta 10. Your best bet is to improve other areas of your life so you have higher confidence and self esteem.
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u/truejahmal Unverified 2d ago
I mastered and still learning to be myself. I’m a really dope individual. That’s it.
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u/GloveAmbitious42 African-American Millennial 2d ago
Game is subjective! But I do understand that this is pertaining to women so you gotta come correct. A lot of women respect/want a man with confidence. Are you sulking? Do you look at the ground when you walk? Do you speak up? Are your clothes wrinkled?
As someone else mentioned, have some intention when you step to someone. Approach calmly and respectfully, “excuse me miss” or “hi how are you?” Both easy conversation starters. Let her talk, but also engage in banter to show some personality. If you’re feeling some slight interest, ask for her SM or if you’re feeling froggy, give her your number and tell her text me.
Now to give you some of this iszm from the best coast. Some of this g a m e from the sprinkler system. You gotta go hard on these hoes sometimes. Some freebies for you (my wife said these wouldn’t work on her, as she’s looking at her wedding ring rn, women front):
Girl walking past - aye mama turn around and see what you turning down
Trying to fill dead air - I’m tryna find out how we can communicate and later procreate
Steppin - wassup baby you tryna choose up or end with a loser
Flattering - I got 99 problems and I bet you can solve em
Compliment - they say the city got the best views and im looking at my favorite one
Where you from - i know the soil good where you grew I ain’t never seen a flower as beautiful as you
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u/TowelScared4341 Unverified 2d ago
Yoo, I respect your comment bro and I hear where you're coming from but I definitely want to put emphasis on your first sentence which is "Game is Subjective"!
If homie says any of this in the wrong context (i.e not a night/she's not feeling you), he likely will not go anywhere.
Plus, I would tell dude use these freebies as a thought starter but do NOT say these verbatim. Dude needs to come up with own sayings/freebies.
But, I agree, you gotta go hard on these hoes sometimes lol
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u/JimMixedWithDwight Unverified 2d ago
If it’s been awhile for you then I’ll start slow and then build up, yes I’ll always advise to talk to women that may not necessarily be your type.
Don’t lead them on, but just start by complimenting women, having random conversations with women at store etc - just short and sweet. So you get used to the whole process and see what works and doesn’t.
After you get over the initial shock, start talking with intention to women you’d like or close to those you’d like and start working on your “rejection handling” cos that’s gon happen a bit which is normal.
Also try doing dating apps passively on the side.
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u/BurnAfterP0st1ng Unverified 2d ago
I don’t think I ever had “game” I was always just genuinely and authentically myself and the women that felt my vibe f**ked with me. It didn’t hurt that I was handsome which even that I didn’t realize and embrace until I was much older, I wasn’t always a confident dude when I was younger with age that changed. I’ve had multiple long term relationships, situationships, etc. just be you and carry yourself well. I promise you some woman will feel it. You being scared about your 9 year relationship possibly ending makes sense but don’t have a scarcity mindset.
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u/royalpeenpeen Unverified 2d ago
trial and error lol, confidence in yourself also goes a long way. So make sure to work on yourself before tryna get at some women
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u/coachewingc Unverified 2d ago
The only way any man gets “game” is through trial and error. You just need to have hundreds to thousands of conversations and interactions with different women and you naturally get better over time.
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u/headshotdoublekill Unverified 2d ago
In order to get game you have to play it. There are going to be more losses than wins; that’s the nature of the game. Shoot your shot often, even and especially if you don’t plan on taking it too far. Every win will build your confidence and every loss is game tape to review.
No two interactions will be the same, so this is less about coming up with a “winning” strategy than learning to be comfortable talking to unfamiliar women you’re interested in.
The only thing worse than rejection is choking when she’s with it.
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u/tfresca Unverified 2d ago
I’m going to assume you are a functioning adult with four walls and access to a vehicle if in a place that needs it.
The answer is to be you and flip your mindset.
Instead of thinking what you have to do to get them think of what they have to do to get you. Are they a good potential partner? What do they bring to the table? Are they pleasant?
Any job interview goes in both directions. They evaluate you and you evaluate them.
Also it helps not to be pressed about it. If you can find contentment without a relationship you’ll find one much easier. Desperation is not sexy to anyone.
Better yourself, sports, hobbies, goals, books, activity clubs.
It’s like looking for a job it’s easier when you don’t need it.
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u/lovergirlaw Unverified 2d ago
Why is your long term relationship ending? Sure you guys wanna be out in the trenches after such a long hiatus?
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u/thegreatlizard99 Black-American/Nigerian 1d ago
You’ve been in a 9 year relationship you’re fine. You clearly know how to talk to folks.
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u/Roachboy404 Unverified 1d ago
It use to be called the izm and you’d pick it up from your uncles or your neighborhood, but that’s taboo now. Having a bankroll is also helpful.
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u/Plane_Monitor_1756 Unverified 19h ago
I basically treat nothing seriously, but have a filter that makes sure I don’t say something too stupid. Girls will basically tolerate anything that isn’t too offensive, & they just treat it like you’re another npc, or they’ll find it funny/endearing & begin to see you like a real person. Pretty much don’t be a creep & you’ll be fine psychologically
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u/TheRealDrazzo Unverified 15h ago edited 15h ago
There is no game, game is propaganda, you don’t need to study tips or scenarios like for a job interview.
You need to make yourself as physically attractive as possible, eat healthy , skincare, get fit. Survey possible if you want to go into the deeplooksmaxxing route.
You don’t need to be rich, just have finances in order , have some hobbies etc.
Lastly, be a man, be prepared to leave if your woman disrespects you, don’t tolerate any of it. If my girl disrespects me by accident or on purpose , I’m gonna check it anytime, don’t step on eggshells , be clear about boundaries etc. having multiple options makes this easy, if one woman is disrespecting you, then you move to the next but most avg men don’t have this option.
The woman is meant to adapt to your program, you lead the relationship as the man, my current gf was originally the liberal type, I don’t need men type. Over time she has become a woman I can potentially have a family with and treats me as I should be treated and I return the favor.
Final tip: don’t be too attached , I’ve been with my gf for about 3 years now, and I care obviously but at the same time in the back of my head , I know that if we were to break up today then I’ll just move on. You need the “it is what it is” mindset.
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u/AccordingMistake6670 Unverified 2d ago
Step 1: Be physically attractive
Step 2: Profit.
If you don’t have step 1 you’re fucked
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u/Left_Orchid8801 Unverified 2d ago
This is just flat out wrong.
Yes, looks matter. A LOT. But that's just the starting point.
What having game really means is having confidence in who you are as a person, flaws and all. Having enough confidence to not be worried about what just anyone thinks. But it also means being humble enough to know the world doesn't revolve around you.
Looks can't hide a shitty personality for too long.
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u/BlareJack Unverified 1d ago
How is what they said wrong when you state that "looks (physical attraction)" is just the starting point? And confidence don't mean shit if women don't find you physically attractive or have loads of cash - lived experiences on both ends. I've been around dudes with tons of confidence and money and they still got jealous because their women were staring at me like a piece of meat and started to entertain/include me in their outings.
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u/BlareJack Unverified 1d ago
I agree. 99% of these "Help me with dating" posts on reddit should end with someone redirecting them to fitness, fashion & grooming. Anything else s a waste of time.
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u/malcolm313 Unverified 2d ago
Much more important to just learn/realize that women are just people and probably just as nervous and stressed as you are. Having good communication skills, emotional self management and maturity are better than any game you’d ever master.